Just shoot me

So many things that I really shouldn't discuss here. SO MANY. No one ever said I shouldn't but it's hard to air all the laundry in public, you know?

Dammit. Who cares?

The person that shall remain nameless at work is on my last nerve, no---not the one you might think. A written warning is in order, and then she will be out of there. Too many absences, too much drama. They already think I am a bitch, so why not?

A year ago right now, I was in Las Vegas with all of my family. It was the last hurrah for my marriage, and to think now that I have been living/feeling this way since then makes me sad. I am missing a person that was there with us, even though I hear from her occasionally. She is no longer a part of the twosome equation with my youngest, and I miss her. I can see that he is now happier, that the girl he is with now makes him happy, and of course, that makes me happy, too. But that does not mean that I don't look back at the earlier relationship with sadness. I have never been very good at letting go, and I am struggling with it now. Yes, I know how stupid that sounds...I mean, it was his relationship. I am trying to find that middle ground with her---and I think maybe I can. We never discuss him, of course, it's against the rules. And I honestly do like his new girl, I am getting to know her, she seems to honestly care about him, and she is a little cutie. Ahhh...like I don't have enough of my own problems.

My oldest son has gotten himself in a bit of a financial situation, involving a very expensive speeding ticket. Great.... My daughter is having a hell of time with her life, and there is nothing I can do. She only tells me enough to make me worry, and their money issues are overwhelming.

And a very happy Friday to you all, too!

I love the IRS. I love the IRS. I love the IRS.

And so, I survived my Easter dinner. And so did everyone that attended, although when some of the guests--my youngest and company -- were very late, I wasn't so sure they would. However, the issue was getting off work in time, so not completely their fault. It's funny, I have gone from nearly weekly family gatherings, to major holidays only, and still, getting the whole crew here at the same time is a problem. Once we are all here, once the food is eaten and the mess is cleared, it is always fun. My kids are all crazy, and I am serious. They make me laugh like no one else ever has. Most of the joy I have from these family days is from watching all of them together, watching what true friends they are, how much they love each other, and how well they interact. It's funny, when they were growing up, most days, they HATED their brothers and sisters. That part is the best ever.

This week is hard. I am struggling along, but it is a struggle. A big one.

I am looking forward to the weekend, I am having a tiny baby shower for Janelle - just family and a couple of her really close friends. Trav will be here on Friday, that part I am very excited about. She can only stay one day, but that's better than not at all.

April 15th - oh how I love the IRS. I wrote the first of many big checks out last night. Oh how I love the IRS. Have I mentioned how much I love the IRS? Happy Humpday.

Wind and rain and dark, oh my.

Only time for a quick post this morning, it seems no matter what time I haul my butt out of bed, I am never on time. It has been an extremely rough week so far. My body is not cooperating and my mind is over loaded. This is kind of the norm for me these past few years, but this week, it has been to the extreme. I had to have help - which meant calling Mark -something I did NOT want to do-just getting myself out of the car and up to my apartment yesterday. To say I am scared to death what this latest round of weakness in my legs actually means, is an understatement. I have not tried to call my dr to see if my appointment can be moved up, but I already know what the answer will be. There is no way. They do not keep a list of people to call in the event of a cancellation and he is booked up for months. Somehow, I have got to keep plugging along, at least enough to go to work every day for eight hours. My pain is off the scale and I am pretty good at hiding it from people that don't know me well-but it can make a person a bit snappy at times, which is something I have to control, I have enough issues with co workers on the job. Please take a moment and say a prayer for me today, okay? I need all the help I can get, and other than divine intervention, I don't see too much of that available.

I have had to deal with kids crisis's--crisees---(how DO you spell that word?) since the weekend. Having a baby with no boyfriend troubles, cars that are broken and no finances to fix them troubles, on a scale of ten my stress level is about forty-six. That absolutely doesn't help my physical problems. I know that I should not be the one they should lean on when in the middle of a problem, but seriously---who should they call? I am close to my kids, so even if they don't call to tell me the issue, I sense trouble immediately and of course, have to know. Other than not seeing or talking to them, I see no answer to the problem. I will somehow manage, to help when I can, and listen when needed. If I didn't have such horrible physical issues right now, the stress wouldn't be so bad. If I didn't have the stress of everything, perhaps the physical problems wouldn't be so critical. Anyone else see a problem here?

It's not raining today, and that's a plus. For the past two mornings, getting to work has been a joy-wind and rain and dark, oh my.

Happy humpday, peeps. I'm out.

Monday Morning Quickie

Another weekend behind us...I wonder how many weekends we are allotted in our lives? I could probably figure that out pretty easily, but maybe I wouldn't want to know the answer to that. I would like to say this has been a wonderfully relaxing one, but anytime my kids are involved, there IS no relaxing. It was as good as it could be, here in my own world. I accomplished everything on my to-do list...well almost everything. There are still some un-ironed clothes hanging in my closet, but that is due to pure laziness. I actually slept last night, for the first time in days, so I expect to feel pretty good today. Hope every one's day is perfect. Later.

I am boring like that

It's storming outside, a sign of spring---maybe? I am so ready for warm weather, blue skies, green grass and trees with leaves, but it's too early. Snow is predicted for tomorrow.

I have had a good but stressful week. I guess the stress will never subside, it has become my friend. Work stress is one thing, home life and family stress is a whole different ballgame. Throw in the new *improved* financial stress, and I am a heart attack waiting to happen. Nothing much I can do about any of it---at work, I am plugging along as best I can. I am still buried but it's better. I need to make these next two weeks count as much as possible as the end of this month will arrive before I am ready to go through what I just did. I learned the quirks of this dealership though, so future months won't be quite as difficult. Co-worker wise, it's all okay. Most folks there are polite and civil. I am difficult to get to know, I am aware. I always operate on a "need to know" basis, so getting to know someone like me is a challenge. I just don't see any need to tell everything I know...to anyone. In my many years of living, I learned that is most always a mistake.

Family life ---- pretty even keel at the moment. Janelle is pregnant and alone and I worry about her, alot. She is sad much of the time, and I try really hard to see it from her perspective. That can be very difficult. I try to keep her "up" as much as I can. I feel fairly certain the alone part is temporary and that makes me sad...but it's not my life. I am trying to help her financially because there is no way she can do it on her own right now...and I no longer have the means, but I am trying. She did order the crib and changing table yesterday so I think we will be having a family "assemble the baby furniture" party soon.

Mark and I? I don't know. We did spend one evening/night together this week..it was almost as though neither of us could wait for it to end. I am beginning to think that he is "over" all of it...me, the kids, the kids issues..and really, who could blame him? And still, it grinds me to think that everyone that knows us believes our issues are mine alone.

Today is Saturday and I don't have to go to work! I can hardly believe it. Of course, I could go to work, but I am not expected to and I just don't think getting into that habit is good, not for me. They pay me to get the job done. It seems to me I should be able to do that in forty or less, once I am all squared away. That will take some time...but I am getting there. So, I have a two day weekend. I am excited to spend it cleaning and shopping today and doing nothing tomorrow. Yes I know, I am boring like that. Happy Saturday!

Wednesday Stuff

It's Wednesday already...where do the days GO?

I have had a very busy and stressful week at work so far, I am trying to close the month (February), and the way that I have always done that and the way that my new employer wants it done is a bit different, combine that with the mistakes from the previous months, and I have a mess on my hands. I hope to have it behind me today...

I bought a television on Sunday. No, I technically couldn't afford it, but like I said earlier, I have zero life, and without the tv---I am left with very quiet kitties. It is way smaller than I am used to, but fine for me. Now, I just need to get the old monstrosity out of the entryway....Mark says he will take the old one back down to the house and have it fixed. Yesterday wouldn't be soon enough, you can't open the front door without running into it. I was fortunate to have Janelle with me when I bought it, and Craig available to carry it up to my apartment and set it up for me. Men do come in handy from time to time --- especially when things need moved and hauled and carried and put together. One thing I did find surprising --- when Craig (my son) put the extremely cheap stand together, I did not hear one swear word. NOT ONE. I thought that every man...no matter who, how old, whatever, swore at furniture that needs put together, because inevitably, the pieces are not all there, the pre-drilled holes do not line up...etc. That was a nice surprise. In fact, the whole ordeal went very well. For me to ask someone for help, of any kind, is really difficult. I am very grateful for my kids.

I am off to start my day. It will be a long one, but I am going to get the past month out of my hair---I don't care if it harelips the governor. Then tonight, girls night out - dinner with Janelle and Stephanie. Woo Hoo!

Happy Hump Day. :)

Life update

Okay, so this another one of those times that I want to start a new blog post, but I am not sure how to jump in. Once again, events have occurred that are not my doing, but affect me greatly. Once again, a child of mine has behaved less than beautifully, and now has a steep price to pay. Once again, a sleepless night, a day full of worry and helplessness. My child is by no means the only one at fault, but is left holding the bag for everyone involved. Once again, I know how to make the problem go away, but cannot make this adult child understand that's the only option. Once again, I lay awake, knowing that nothing that I say or do will change any of it, and I am left with merely trying to keep my-own-self from destruction.

My new job is very stressful. At this time, I can't say whether that's only me---making it that way, or if the whole place is that stressed out. I feel fairly certain that it will eventually be okay there - but to say that this past week has been a breeze would be a lie. I have two women working directly for me---right, I know - a piece of cake..after all, in the past I have had more than ten times that amount report directly to me. However, the dynamic in this place is way different than what I am used to. First of all, I am the boss, and I have no clue about how things are done there. So, the two who do, have to spend all of their time showing me. Not a good way to begin. Then, I find out that the one that has to spend all of her time helping me, once had my job and couldn't do it----and was asked to step down. So, no wonder she has a chip on her shoulder large enough for me to crawl into. Personally, if I were in her shoes, there is no way I would stay in that place, but both of these women are long-term employees and not going anywhere. Neither of them appear to be smart enough to worry that leaving me hanging will not be good for them, not in the long run. But hey - whatever...at this point, I can take it. If the other things in my life do not settle down soon though, it could get ugly. Physically, doing this job is all that I can manage right now. I get to work by seven-thirty and nearly crawl back up to this apartment around five and I cannot hardly make it across the floor. This is not a physical job, and my exhaustion and severe pain are not completely understood by me, I mean - I know I have health issues but this is ridiculous. All I can do is hope that physically I become used to it...and mentally I can do it---and by that I mean put up with all the bullshit. Because this is the only option for me, and because it just makes sense...it has to work. I will manage, somehow.

At home, no progress is being made. That is my fault, as I just don't have the strength left in me to even be nice to Mark, let alone try and pull this relationship out of the toilet. We had plans to actually spend time together yesterday, you know - like doing something fun---as if either of us could recognize fun---but they were messed up by the events I started this post with. We did see alot of each other this past week, but it's easy to see, none of it was enjoyed or even wanted... by either of us I would say, but we had necessary reasons to be together. So, where this is going is also unknown to me right now.

Other than that...I'm doing well. I am actually looking forward to a quiet day alone. Well--mostly alone as I am sure I will see a kid or two at one time or another. Happy Sunday. :)

My chicken tail...chicken tale...do chickens have tails?

The past few days around here have been a mixture of emotions and chaos. And I'm talking about me, not the rest of those being affected by the tragedy that surrounds everything. I keep having to remind Jordan and Steph to step back, take a breath, realize that while you are about as close to this as you can be without it being you...it still hasn't happened TO you. Those are good words for me to remember as well...why is it so easy to give advice to others, and so damned difficult to follow your own? I have not in the least allowed myself to be sucked in, and yet the sadness and worry that surrounds my heart right now is unexplainable.

There have been many things in my life that have had to change or be put on hold as a result of all of this: One, I rescheduled my insurance test, as somehow I apparently agreed to watch the remaining two babies during the funeral. That is entirely possible, trying to understand Steph on the phone - or in person, for that matter - when she is upset is nothing short of impossible. At first, when I was told that I was being counted on to do that, my response was, "I can't do that, I have this test, and you all don't know if the funeral will be Tuesday or Wednesday..." After a conversation with my sister and one with my heart, I felt like an ass, as I DID stand in their apartment and offer any kind of help, whatever I could do. So, they come up with something that I actually can do, and I tell them no. It didn't take me long to reschedule at that point, the problem is, I think it was too late, so I get to pay double for the privilege of taking the damned test. Ugh. And, in theory, that will give me extra time to study, although I have yet to pick the book up since Sunday. The idea of spending an hour or two alone with two babies bothers me, I have to admit I have not been a baby fan since our own baby tragedy last winter. I have held these babies since then, but it has done a funny thing to my heart....and maybe, it will help, who knows? But it honestly is the least I can do.

My kids have been around here all the time since all of this...one or the other, or another. Or all. It has been good, but draining. I think that Steph has improved some in the past twenty-four hours, I was becoming quite worried about her mental state. I did take her yesterday and replace the lost phone, she has been using mine since last Friday, and I'm ashamed to admit I have been rather lost without it. Hers drove away on the hood of some one's car last week, right in the middle of all the tragedy...and seriously, something like that can only happen to her. :)

On a lighter note, last night, I made a down home, kitchen destroying, grease fest of a fried chicken dinner. I had just been talking with Soul recently and she mentioned that she was hungry for fried chicken...well anyway----one thing led to another, and here I was making the chicken, the mashed potatoes, the gravy...all of it. When she and I discussed it, I told her that I would make it more often if it weren't for the noise of the frying...it drives me crazy. Last night, I discovered that not only the noise makes me nuts, but the whole freakin' mess is a nightmare; I must have had grease from one end of this apartment to another. No wonder I don't ever fry anything....And please, the next time I think I might want to cook again the way my mother did, smack me. Although, the men in my life enjoyed it.

My cold has now turned into a sinus thing, no more throat pain, chills or fever, but if I close my mouth I would suffocate. I think a lot of it is allergies, I have never seen a year with so much cotton wood floaty thingys in the air. And before you ask, floaty thingys is a technical term...

Have a good Tuesday. :)

PS....this brightened my day, I could NOT stop laughing out loud. If you are an old "rocker" like me, you will love this:

A member of the NOT-QUITE-RIGHT club

I have to admit, I am not quite right, although we already knew that, now didn't we? Yesterday, I was driving home (from work...doesn't that sound wonderful?), and I got caught in a traffic jam...and I got so excited! I live in the city and I am stuck in traffic!!! Thank you, God... This thought really made me smile, and then the absurdity of it made me laugh. I will guarantee you I was the only one stopped on I-35 in the middle of a traffic mess, excited to be there. I suppose sometimes it's best to laugh at yourself. Plus, let's just see how long it is before I am swearing and sighing in disgust along with the rest of them.

Driving here has been a bit of a challenge, but not as much as I thought it might be. I haven't gotten terribly lost yet, but that day is coming. Sometimes I feel like such a bumpkin, and I have to remind myself that I learned to drive in Phoenix Arizona, for heaven's sake. I can pass on the right and cut you off just like a pro, not that I make a habit of that or anything, teehee.

After my training class yesterday, the kiddo's and Mark and I met at my favorite drinking establishment and had dinner. It was a wonderful time and again, I found myself thanking God that I now live within a few minutes of two of them. Craig could not be there, he lives 45 minutes away from here, and he was working at the store. He was missed by all of us.

We are taking a family vacation to Las Vegas in the fall, we have been waiting for Miss Stephanie to turn 21 so that we can all go. We took the two older ones the year before last, but Jordy and Steph did not go due to her age. At that time, I promised her a trip to Vegas for her birthday, so this September 12th, she will finally be of age. I think we will wait until the last day of the month to go, so that Craig (who runs the ICS) can go without issues, because we will have already closed the store for the season. I have told them I will provide the rooms and the way there if they want to ride along as we will drive. They may be looking into flying and that's fine - I don't like to fly and for us, part of the fun is the drive. I am looking forward to it.

I am tired today, but then, I am tired every day. Mark and were finally able to take the bikes out on Sunday, and it was a wonderful time, but it didn't do my legs any good. They are protesting, still.

I think the new career choice might be a good one, I'll get back to you later with better information. Since it will be MY business, I will change a couple of things and make it fit my life better.

Have an awesome Tuesday. It is the first of the month, AGAIN. Holy crap - where does the time go? :)

Friday thoughts from an old, old woman

Today, I sign the paperwork to begin my new job, and I'm rather excited about it. It means learning ALOT again, and I hope this old brain will stand up to all of it.

Yesterday, I worked at the Whippy Dip, aka the ICS, and it was no fun. My oldest son really didn't want or need my help...or at least that's the way it felt while I was there. To add insult to injury, I cut my finger and it bled for HOURS. I hate that, and I seem to cut myself alot.

CrazyDog is making life in this wonderful place hell. She will not ever relax, and it's really beginning to get me down. Taking her out for walks really isn't the problem, as it is an enjoyable place to walk her, but she wants to be walked constantly...She sees the vet back in our old town tomorrow, I really hope they can find a medication that will help her calm down. Physically, the crisis has passed and she is feeling better, mentally-I really feel sorry for her. At different times in my life, I have felt the way she seems to feel ALL the time, and living like that is no fun. We just keep trying to love her and have patience. It is hard, sometimes.

Daughter and her significant other are having problems, and I somehow have been sucked into the loop. I have no advice to offer, no help to give. I am given out, adviced out, and worn out. More than anything, I want my kids to be happy. Hell, I don't care how they accomplish that, but for heavens sake, just be happy. Life on this earth is too short to make problems, and if that's not what's happening, then perhaps the the wrong path has been chosen. Beyond that, I don't even know what to say to any of them.

I don't remember being so tired, not in a long, long time. Since I live my life in a perpetual state of tiredness, that's a huge statement to make. I am not sleeping well, and damned if I know why. Physically, my body is giving up, the pain is getting intolerable, and all I want is just to enjoy my new life. It's beginning to really piss me off.

This post was not supposed to be a whine-fest, and I do apologize...sometimes when I sit down to write, my fingers have ideas that my brain was not aware of.

On a happier note.....I've got nothing here.

Happy Friday, y'all.

One of THOSE kinds of days

Hey, hey, hey----it's finally Friday! And the last day of being here in this great state of Minnesota, no offense to those who call it home, I think this place is wonderful, but I am ready to get back to my own life, my own routine...what's left of it anyway.

Yesterday, things seemed to be ticking along as they should...until my Mom texted me, in the middle of the afternoon, with a message that read: "call me, it's important". So, of course, I couldn't wait until the day was over, I was too nervous about what was wrong. After I called, I wished I had waited as the rest of the day was ruined for me, I found it impossible to concentrate on anything. My step dad, Richard, has colon cancer. Just like that, out of the blue. He has had no issues or problems, and merely had a routine colonoscopy, and they found cancer. He has surgery scheduled for June 3rd, and it is the surgeon's belief that will take care of it, assuming they find no surprises once they get in there. GREAT. I was literally dumbfounded, if you all knew Richard, you would know that he's a healthy, young for his age man, can do anything, will do anything....Of course, this is worrying me, for him - although I do believe that at this early stage it can be stopped, but also for my mom, without him, I seriously have no idea what would happen to her. PLUS, while he is in the hospital and after his surgery, my mom is going to need help. That was my first thought, or the second, as my first one was for R. So, of course, now I'm working again and can't be there. There is no way I can ask for time off in this job. Trav, my older sister, is having surgery herself the day before R's, and will in fact need her own help, (another thing I was cursing the timing gods for, as I certainly could have gone and helped her, had it been in the right time frame for my job). My younger sister, is in BAD, BAD shape herself, cannot get down her own stairs most of the time, so she will not be helpful in the least. Eventually, we did come up with a solution, one that will be okay, but these are the things on my mind last evening, so the studying I was assigned to do went right out the window. Of course, there is a big "test" on what we have learned these past two weeks today. But, I was still trying, after the million phone calls I made, and all the discussing. I was still trying, sitting here in my room, attempting to make sense of all of the reading I had to do from the manual. Then the phone rings once again, and my youngest was on the line. "Uh mom...." Oh great, here it comes, I can tell by the tone in his voice this isn't going to be good. And now, of course...he has lost his job. JUST FRICKING PEACHY. He was let go for being on the internet when he was not supposed to, and of course I asked him if he knew he wasn't supposed to be there, and of course, he knew. Not my problem, I realize, but I am not the kind of mom who can't or won't worry. Finally, I went next door to the restaurant, ate dinner, and had a couple of much needed beers. In my head, I said "screw it". This morning, however, I have alot to do....ugh.

The last day!!! Hope all of you have a great day today...and I will see you all here tomorrow, from my own HOME!

Just call me Red...

No, no, no...I don't want it to be Sunday already, that means I have to leave again, today. Ugh. I have had a great weekend home, although we actually haven't been home at all. I have been running around like a fool, trying to get it all done before I'm out the door again, and none of it is done, if you want the truth. In fact, my sweet, most wonderful husband is going to drive me all the way back to Minnesota today, so that I can hit the books on the way. There has been zero time for studying, and there is a huge exam on product knowledge/client flow/medical exceptions/counseling technique tomorrow. I think that is the sweetest thing ever. I will not need the car while I'm there, everything I could possibly need is within walking distance, so this seems to be the most viable solution. Plus, it gives us that much more time to get caught up, there has been little time for talking this weekend.

I got to see all of my wonderful kids yesterday, and it was great. I hadn't seen Janelle is a long time, or Jordy either, actually. They are all doing fine, Jordy and Steph seem quite well-they are so cute together-Janelle looks great-and Craig, well poor Craig is having issues running the Ice Cream Store, and he looks a bit frazzled, otherwise he's good, too. I love being with my kids. I doesn't happen enough. I cannot wait to get moved so that I can be closer to all of them.

Speaking of moving, we looked most of the day for apartments. Holy Crap - this is going to be harder than I thought.We only actually got to look at one, all the others we stopped at were either full, or had issues with the kind of dog that CrazyDog is. She is a chow. They are on the "bad dog" list, which makes no sense to me, but was not surprising. (Out of the blue, several years ago, we got a letter from our home owners insurer that we could no longer have their insurance, due to the fact that our dog was a Chow...) and while I understand rules, frankly, I have never known a Chow to be aggressive, unless you count the way CrazyDog acted towards the dog we used to have, my Snowman. But anyway, the one place that we looked at, Mark really liked, and I liked okay. It was quite beautiful, in a brand new area of town...mixed in with shops, restaurants, stores, every kind of business you can think of, this little area has it all. And the apartments are strewn about, here and there, over, under, beside all of these "trendy" lifestyle type of places. Once you were home, you would not have to move your car. Ever. And I would like that, I know I would. The building is the quietest I have ever been in, so much noise protection, that even if the stupid dog would happen to bark all day, like we are afraid she will, no one would hear her. The apartment itself was big, new, had everything you could want. The price was steep with two capital E's, although with all that's included, it's probably not any worse than anywhere else. It comes with local paid for telephone and internet, water, gas, DIRECT TV..the only thing needed is electricity. And that would be very minimal, with all the insulation against the elements. It has my balcony...it has underground, heated parking, (no more scraping windows in the winter) and the very best security system I can imagine. No security key fob, no going anywhere on the property, not even the elevators will work without it. So, I don't know. Like all things, I feel that if it's the right thing, we will know it. But we have to decide soon, I actually start working in one week, and there is no way I am going to be able to commute for two hours each way.

We shopped a little yesterday, and I bought a couple of things, I needed more suits, and I am built so stupid, I cannot buy one off the rack. I have to buy separates, and that's not that easy to find. But I did find a a jacket and pants and a sweater. I cannot tell you how much I despise shopping. Oh - and I colored my hair, and although it wasn't really planned that way, I am now a bit of a redhead, and I have decided I like it...mahogany is red, at least when it's put on my hair, who knew?

Have a happy, happy Sunday. I'll catch you all here, later. :)

Kitty CSI

I am still alive, I worked terribly hard yesterday, and I lived to tell the tale. I have a kitty, that would be the one I refer to as #2, that almost didn't however. Poor little Meisha, she had a terribly traumatic day...she is about as curious as any cat I have ever been around, and every little thing that I pulled out and sat on the table in the kitchen, had to be inspected and approved by her. I love to watch her investigate things, she make me laugh out loud every day. Yesterday however, she really, really was on a roll, very playful, and investigative, a regular CSI. When I left the room at one point, I left a giant box of already priced glassware sitting on top of the step-stool that I had been using. I heard the most deafening crash and the unmistakable sound of glass breaking, and poor little Meisha came flying out of the rubble like she was on fire. No, nearly nothing survived. Almost every piece in that box broke in the fall from only about three feet up to the floor below. It was quite a mess, and one I had to clean up quickly before we had glass shards in little paws. Just as soon as I sat back down from that little escapade, I heard another huge crash...since the weather yesterday was finally beautiful, I had many windows wide open...once again, Meisha went flying out of the room, and I realized the window that she had been sitting in, had come crashing down, apparently nearly on top of her, poor little thing. She is apparently fine, but she was a little skittish last night, hmmmm....I wonder why?

I made a huge dent in the workload yesterday, and my body feels it this morning, OMG. There is still plenty left to do, but I have time. It is hard but it feels freeing at the same time. My house is looking a little bare, though, not really like my home anymore.

Steph (my youngest's gf) came over in the evening, and brought her sister and her new twins. I have to say those babies are beautiful. They are five weeks old, and just plain yummy. It was hard having them here, I wanted to cry at my own daughters loss a couple of months back, on the other hand, it was good for me to be with them. I held one of them for quite a while. The feeling of a baby in my arms is one that is completely natural to me, and I couldn't help myself from wishing this one was the one I should/would have been holding in a few months had things worked the way I wanted them to. But I know that God knows best. I guess that's all I have to say about that.

Janelle and Craig came over earlier in the day, they helped me a little. All in all, it was a good day, and today will be much the same. I will have Mark's help today, that will be better.

Happy Monday to you all.

Grrr....

So today, I'm feeling pretty poopy. I am a nervous wreck and listening to CrazyDog bark at this moment (outside) is about to cause me to run away. However, last night was a normal night, everyone slept. And for that alone, you would think that I would feel better. But it's Monday morning once again, and I have no job to go to. I am seriously thinking that I am going to get an offer or two this week, I have had a couple of really good interviews and still have two to go, but the waiting is getting to me. IT IS GETTING TO ME. And to Mark. Because he and I pretty much hate one another at this juncture. Grrrrr...

But on to other things. I had the BEST day yesterday, with my kids. Janelle did make it here, and I was very happy to see her, however, I'm not so sure the feelings were returned, she was here for awhile, but clearly unhappy. I assume that meant unhappy to be here, but I guess you never know. I did try several times to talk with her, to no avail. But having Craig and Jordy and Steph was also wonderful, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Jordy and Steph were her until nine last night, they were doing their laundry...it was just an awesome day. All of us took a walk down memory lane, looking at old photos, and school papers and we all laughed alot...digging out old things really brings a family closer, you know? My mom was unable to be here, and that made me sad. She was having a really bad day. I worry.

So today, I'm here, doing what I do best, submitting resumes. And submitting the federal and state taxes, have I mentioned that I hate the IRS? And looking for xanax...good heavens. Out.

Protect thy arteries

Another bad night with CrazyDog, so this has been number three. Tomorrow, I feel certain that she goes to the vet, again. I don't know if there is anything more that can be done for her, perhaps a new medication? She has not slept for more than two hours maybe two or three times in the past three nights-total. The rest of the time has been spent pacing and barking. Simultaneously. Even Mark is losing his patience, and of course I am too, but I can recognize that this isn't her fault, he is beginning to take it personally. I swear, she is acting manic, is it possible for dogs to have the same sort of problems mentally, that humans do? Is there medication for that? I guess I need to do my homework. And yes, to answer your questions from the last post's comments, she is a Chow. Papered and registered, as if that makes any difference...

I'm having a clan for dinner today, all of my kids-I think, I'm still not too sure about Janelle-and my mom and stepdad. It will be a sort of catch all dinner, I'm firing up the electric fryers, and it's going to be an artery plugging affair. Chicken strips, tenderloins, french fries, onion petals, and I'm making a double batch of homemade Mac and cheese, just to round out the already yellow meal, and to seal the deal on the artery plugging, wouldn't want to leave any open spaces, lol. I do think I need to make a cake or maybe brownies for dessert. None of it is my cup of tea, although I do like my own chicken strips, with my own horseradish sauce. I have told all of my kids to come and get what they don't want thrown out or sold in the garage sale later this month, that anything left after today is mine to do with as I choose, and believe me, they have ALOT of stuff left here. The days of Mom's free storage are over. It is sad, sort of, but in another way, it will be nice to get rid of all the junk that is overflowing every closet, every rafter in each garage, and clean out the basement...that part will be good.

I do hope that Janelle can be here, I haven't seen her in at least three weeks. Apparently when the subject was mentioned in her home yesterday, there was a fight, and that made me feel really bad. I don't think I should call her when he's at home, and I won't do it again. She knows how I feel about him, and I know how he feels about me, I don't know why any of this surprised her. I understand that she wants harmony in her family, including him, but that is unrealistic. Completely. She knew how all of that was when she went back, and frankly, she surprises me. Everyone is just supposed to get over it, like that, because she has. It never works that way. I am trying to keep my mouth shut, although we all know that is hard for me, but the fact that I don't think he is right for her is well known. I can only imagine what he says about me, so the fact that she gets all upset when something like this happens is surprising. However, I will not be the reason for making her life harder, she is my daughter and I love her no matter what. I will not interfere and will not call again when they are together, which I assume would be evenings and weekends, and since she is now working days, I guess she will have to call me. Ugh.

When I just looked outside, my car is covered with a dusting of snow, again. Good lord, will this ever end? It has been so cold this weekend, it feels more like February than April.

I suppose I had better get myself in the kitchen. The group will be here around noon or one, and I have alot to do in there. I hope each of you have a really great Sunday! :)

Tuesday, I get a little sideways

Help, I'm drowning in numbers...

I did manage to get our own taxes done yesterday, we owe the Feds, but get back about half of what we owe from the state. Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE the IRS? I am still working on getting it all pulled together for the Ice Cream Store, I don't know why this job is so hard for me this year.

My telephone interview from yesterday has been rescheduled for tomorrow. The thing is, the woman CALLED to ask me if that would be okay...does anyone else see the humor in that? Ugh..Also, I got a call from another place I had applied to and I have a face to face with them on Wednesday afternoon. At this point, I will pretty much agree to anything and take the job, I am getting pretty freaked out, and that feeling grows daily.

Janelle is not living here anymore, although I did not know that until yesterday. She had been gone all weekend, which is not unusual, but didn't bother to tell me that she had taken EVERYTHING with her this time. Uh, okay. But I was pretty shocked when I walked into her room yesterday and it was empty. I suppose she can do whatever she wants, obviously she can, but I cannot be the Mom she wants me to be when I know that what she is doing is wrong. I don't like him, I never have. He hurt her, on SO MANY levels. My words were strong, and if you all know me, I don't act that way with my children. I am fair, above all, I am fair. The mere fact that I DISAGREE with her decision should be enough of a red flag for her, even when her brain is not operating, that should be enough. The things that I know about him that I cannot and won't tolerate, came from her. I would not know any of them had she NOT chosen to tell me, and now she pays the price. It's too bad, and it rips my guts right out of my body. But I cannot watch it happen again. That leaves me, where? Well, here of course. And her there. And I pray that she is strong enough to take it, once again. Before you all tell me that I have to let her make her own mistakes, believe me, I know that. I really do. She is not a child, and has already made a few. I only hoped that she would learn from them. Perhaps she never will.

I have to shop today. It is my favorite thing to do, as you all know...lol. I have to go the city and buy some clothes. I may not survive. I will let you all know. Have a good Tuesday.

You and I travel to the beat of a different drum

And we meet again, same bat time, same bat channel.

I accomplished alot today:

I took a shovel to my bedroom. No exaggeration here, it was awful. Years of papers stacked here and there, mostly there, as Mark uses his dresser as a desk. Years of clothes that I don't wear and never will wear put into a pile for the garage sale. It made a huge difference, and just looking at it makes me feel better.

I went to the hospital today. My mom is better, there is talk of letting her go home on Saturday, which is her birthday, so the timing is good.

I went to the grocery store again today. I have been to the store more in the past two weeks than I have in the past decade. No, I still don't like doing it any better.

I applied for another gazillion jobs. I have a telephone interview scheduled for four pm on Monday, at least that is some kind of progress. Mark and I have been asked to schedule a tour and have dinner with another place of potential employment, it is a job for the both of us. I called and left a message to schedule it, and haven't heard anything back, yet.

I had a disturbing argument with my daughter, I can't say that made me feel good.

My back is still killing me, which is why I am sitting here again, at the computer.

I spent a small fortune on Easter for my niece's, Alex and Carli. That was fun. Carli's basket is quite adorable, even if I do say so myself. I miss having little kids.

My younger sister, Shell and her family will arrive tomorrow. I am very happy about having Carli here for the weekend, she is three, and quite a little chatterbox. I have a ton of cooking to do in the morning, we are getting together on Saturday afternoon for a birthday celebration for my mom. I will make and take the dinner - pulled barbecue chicken sandwiches, potato salad, cheese cake. All of it is easy to make ahead, so I will do it in the morning.

Happy Friday to you all. :)

It had to be you...

This time change is really kicking my ass. Well, that and all the issues going on around me, as I was up for many hours with stomach pain last night.

So...Janelle is home and I'm happy to have her. She is not all that happy to be back in this ice ridden state, and is preparing to go back to NC in a few weeks. She has alot to accomplish first, and it's going to take real work to get back there. I understand how she feels and support what she wants to do. She looks like my old daughter once again, and that certainly is a plus. The time away accomplished what she needed it to.

Early yesterday morning, my plans changed and I ended up going to the city to be with my mom during her surgery. Once again, she was sent home without it, as they generally felt her health was too poor. I took that as a sign that she is NOT supposed to have this damned thing done at this time. I have had really bad feelings about it in the first place, in fact, no one felt good about her having it done right now. I certainly want her back to be fixed so that she can live a little, but she is not doing well at all right now, and I was quite happy that they were not willing to take the risk. I want her out of pain, but I want to keep her around a while longer, too.

Work is an awful and upsetting mess. I was only there from eight until eleven yesterday before I left for the hospital, but that was long enough for me to know that I cannot keep this up for much longer. My only concern is trying to teach my job to the girl that is taking over, and I am not sure how much I will be able to accomplish before I have to leave. I have not had ulcer pain like I have now for years. I wish I could just let it all roll off of me, but this is apparently too near and dear to my heart to not feel it all. I'll keep trying.

It is supposed to be almost warm today---in the 50's! The ice and snow are just about gone, maybe in another day or two. I am so ready for spring this year, I can't even tell you. I don't remember a winter like this one, ever. Good riddance, I say.

I hope you all have a great Tuesday. I will catch you all later.

Bullet post

When things get really rough for me, I don't want to talk. I never have. It all becomes like a brain overload, sort of in a word jumble format. So, we'll leave it at that, okay?

• I did manage to find just the right birthday gift for my mom, at least I think I have found it, I ordered it online, and it's not here yet. She is so tiny and hard to buy for. She wants a new robe but it cannot be a long robe, she wants a short one. When you are only around 5 foot nothing, all robes are long. Victoria's Secret had one that I think may work, so that made me happy. And I found very cute pajamas too, in size extra small petite. Yea me!

• Mark had a job interview yesterday with a headhunter. He personally knows the family that owns the business that is looking for a GM, and told Mark that he would fit in there perfectly. I am praying that this is the "one". I would feel so much better if one of us had something happening in the job department. It would be such a great job, that I wouldn't have to work too much for awhile, and right now, not working too much sounds like pure heaven.

• The ice cream store begins the "Let's do lunch" program today. It is not officially open, but on Thursdays, we deliver lunch to a nearby factory. So, it all begins today. My oldest son has it all under control, he is doing well. In just about three weeks, we will be open for business.

• Guess what? I still have no coffee filters, but I didn't cry about it. I was too worn out to stop anywhere on the way home, just getting through the door turned out to be a big enough problem.

Have a good day.

Tell it like it is..I'm nothing to play with..

Well, it's three am, on what now is a Saturday morning, do you know where your kids are?

I don't. I frankly don't know where any of my three are, and since they are all-growed-up, that should be okay, shouldn't it? The son that lives in Des Moines, I assume is home now, since I'm sure he has to work in a few hours. The son in Pella, I feel certain is at home, sleeping. The daughter however, the one that has been living here with me, is in an unknown location. And that really should be okay, good heavens, she is 28 years old. But under the current circumstances, it isn't. She went out tonight, and I thought that was a good idea, but I worried because I felt sure that the @%&$ that she has recently broken up with would be around, somewhere. She was worried about it also, because in her present mental state, any crap from him would surely put her over the edge. I told her she couldn't let the idea of him keep her from doing any damned thing she wanted to do, but told her to be careful and let me KNOW what was going on, how she felt about things, what was up. So, do you think I KNOW where she is right now? Well of course not...why should I, I am only the mom who has to pick up the pieces every damned time....oops sorry, that sounded a little on the ugly side, didn't it?

Okay so anyway...it's Saturday morning, although most folks would still call it Friday night. I am now up for the day when almost any other Saturday, this is when I would be getting home myself. But last evening, no way was I going out anywhere. I had just endured one rough day at work - one of the busiest, craziest days in recent memory. I literally ran from one end of that building to another, all day long. No service manager in the service department, no parts manager in the parts department, employees up front in the offices out for various reasons, pissy customers, grumbling employees, an owner that is just back from Florida, standing there with his Florida sunburn, looking rather shell shocked at all the confusion, and of course, adding to it. One freakin' strange problem or another, odd phone calls...a wonderful, wonderful husband trying to take over and learn the job in the parts and service department, which is terrific of him by the way, but of course, no one can learn it in an afternoon, and although he is a very fast learner, it was one page for me over the intercom after another...or a buzz from the service phone to my office, repeatedly. I finally sat down to do my own work at five, and of course, the state withholding tax that was due yesterday, was considered late because I didn't log on to the website until that hour. Oh well - what the hell - what's another eighty dollars among friends?

So, when we got home, all I wanted was a beer and a bed, and of course, dinner. I think I managed to stay awake until nine, and here I am.

Janelle just called, she ran into a friend from high school and went to his house - and is lost out in the country on the gravel roads...thank God for google, I managed to direct her home with a cross street address and a computer. And you all wonder why I drink...

Thursday night, in an oddly quiet hour at the garage, I stood in the darkened shop, smoking and looking out the window...the same window I have been looking out of for the past 11 years. In my mind, I could see all the past years of doing just that, and of course, all the memories in between. When I went to work there, Mark and I were newlyweds. My sons were still young - 13 and 11 - and Janelle was in high school. So much of their lives and my own revloved around that place. Both boys worked there, their first jobs...I planned an wedding for Janelle while there, and then helped though a divorce. I have cried there, I have laughed there, I have had the best times of my life while there. I have also gone through the worst things I have ever been through while there. I have cried to the owner, I have cried among my friends there. I have shared in the happiest times of all of their lives while there, and shared my own happiness with them...I have watched people that mattered to me come and go. I have made people that mattered to me leave. I have hired the funniest people ever, and fired them later. I have made the very best friend I have ever had-the owner, in a strange and funny kind of way, while there. I have helped him with his life, and he has helped me with mine. I have bitched to him, at him...and everything in between. I have acted like a raging lunatic a time or two, with him. He has loved me anyway. I have done more for him than any employee ever should do for a job, for years. I love him, and he feels the same. I cannot imagine my life without him or that place. So, while standing there with all of it running through my mind, I cried. Change is hard. I need it, I realize, but this one will be hard to let go of. And please don't misunderstand the love I feel for him, it honestly is like a brother, that kind of love. Mark has been involved in so much of it too - and he understands exactly how i feel. There have been different business ventures with the owner and I, and I have learned so much from him, and for him. I ran a race track for two years, I have run an ice cream store for the past four, and I still have managed to run the dealership. Owner will be 60 this year, he is tired, and me-at 48 next month, I'm tired too. I'm ready for my life to slow down some, maybe just be involved in one business at a time, but it's hard to imagine my life, the way it's going to be soon. And the thought makes me cry..

Well that's probably enough about nothing - this post has been all over the place. Daughter is now home and in bed. Where I should be, but that won't be happening now. It's hard to turn off the mind sometimes, you know? Have a good Saturday. Later.