Dammit Stella, answer me

When I was young, I believed there was some kind of virtue in aging. You know, some great epiphany that occurred around that magical fortieth year....something that helped to balance out the rather rude side of growing older. "Okay so....you have to lift up your boobs to zip your jeans, but hey - you are one smart cookie." You know what I mean? Well, I am here to tell you, that's all just plain BS. Aging means remaining as stupid as ever, plus the added benefit of fossilized crow's feet, bunions, grey hair in places where there shouldn't even be hair.

In my case, I have never, ever been so confused with what I am, who I am, where I am going....or why.The big joke used to be that young people needed to "find" themselves. I don't recall ever losing me...not even in my darkest days. When I was young, I knew what I was here to do. Now ---- at the age of 49, I have no idea. I wake up each day and struggle through a job that has no meaning to me, other than paying my rent at the beginning of each month. I work with and for people that don't know me, and don't care to. I struggle back up to my apartment at the end of each day, only to sit and watch life go by the outside of my apartment. I watch people come and go to the gym, the various shops below, and wonder what the hell is so important to them. Where did those feelings go? I used to feel that way.

In the past eighteen months, I have had major health issues, and still struggle with the strength to walk around during my day, due to a spinal cord problem. Now I have the added benefit of some sort of heart issue. I have lost my long-term job that I loved, and in doing so, have lost many people that I care deeply about. I have moved from a small town to a city, and have struggled to pay both the rent and the mortgage on two places. Now, my old house is selling, and wouldn't you think that would make me happy? No, I cry because I miss that old life, the one with the happy family, living in small-town USA..the one where I had three kids that were happy and mostly well adjusted, two dogs that meant the world to me, constant activity and perpetual motion. When things got overwhelming, I had a mother I could call on. I have gone from having enough money to bankruptcy. I have been happily married and now I am separated. I have zero idea where or how that will end up. I have grown kids with such overwhelming problems that I can't get through one day, not even one day...without a crisis. I have had my heart broken so many times that patching it any further will surely cause it's demise. I am letting people down everywhere I turn. This is me? Impossible. Not Jamie, not miss-self-assured, miss-decisive, miss-get-off-your-ass-and-get-it-done. I fall into bed each night exhausted, only to wake in a couple of hours and deal with those night issues, the worries that creep in, the fear of what is next...sheer terror at the next dawning day. And yet, I get up, get dressed and plug along. WHAT FOR? How am I doing anything that matters for anyone at all?

Stella ---- how do I get MY groove back?

Wind and rain and dark, oh my.

Only time for a quick post this morning, it seems no matter what time I haul my butt out of bed, I am never on time. It has been an extremely rough week so far. My body is not cooperating and my mind is over loaded. This is kind of the norm for me these past few years, but this week, it has been to the extreme. I had to have help - which meant calling Mark -something I did NOT want to do-just getting myself out of the car and up to my apartment yesterday. To say I am scared to death what this latest round of weakness in my legs actually means, is an understatement. I have not tried to call my dr to see if my appointment can be moved up, but I already know what the answer will be. There is no way. They do not keep a list of people to call in the event of a cancellation and he is booked up for months. Somehow, I have got to keep plugging along, at least enough to go to work every day for eight hours. My pain is off the scale and I am pretty good at hiding it from people that don't know me well-but it can make a person a bit snappy at times, which is something I have to control, I have enough issues with co workers on the job. Please take a moment and say a prayer for me today, okay? I need all the help I can get, and other than divine intervention, I don't see too much of that available.

I have had to deal with kids crisis's--crisees---(how DO you spell that word?) since the weekend. Having a baby with no boyfriend troubles, cars that are broken and no finances to fix them troubles, on a scale of ten my stress level is about forty-six. That absolutely doesn't help my physical problems. I know that I should not be the one they should lean on when in the middle of a problem, but seriously---who should they call? I am close to my kids, so even if they don't call to tell me the issue, I sense trouble immediately and of course, have to know. Other than not seeing or talking to them, I see no answer to the problem. I will somehow manage, to help when I can, and listen when needed. If I didn't have such horrible physical issues right now, the stress wouldn't be so bad. If I didn't have the stress of everything, perhaps the physical problems wouldn't be so critical. Anyone else see a problem here?

It's not raining today, and that's a plus. For the past two mornings, getting to work has been a joy-wind and rain and dark, oh my.

Happy humpday, peeps. I'm out.

Gah

Today I am 49 years old. Yes, it is my birthday and the day promises to be one of the hardest (of the birthday-days) in recent history. I mean, let's face it, my life is sort of in the toilet recently. I get to spend my birthday afternoon at an attorneys office, trying to figure out some legal/financial issues..and finding out what the options are. Yea...me. Ugh.

Mostly, I miss my mom today. On my "big" day, she always was the first on the phone to tell me how wonderful, how special, how beautiful I am and always was..how lucky she was to have had me for a daughter. Yes...I know she was full of it, but she was my MOM...:) Mothers are supposed to feel that way, you know? Many years, I thought that call was stupid. Many years, I resented being woke up..because my mom couldn't make that call after eight am, it had to be closer to six. Oh..how I would give a few birthdays now, to hear her voice. To let her tell me once again how I was born in a snowstorm...stupid? Yep, I know. Pity party, anyone?

I am trying to age with grace and dignity. That is a difficult thing to do. My life has been about nothing recently if not change, and at this age, change is even more intimidating than ever. But, I am trying. I am trying to roll with it all---and accept. Some days I wake up and wonder who's life I have been thrown into, this surely can't be mine. And yet it is. I hope for the day when I can look back and make some sort of sense of all of it.

I am supposed to have dinner with a couple of my kiddos tonight, if I have the strength left. Tomorrow night, Mark and I are supposed to have dinner. I am trying to look forward to both. Wish me luck...

Hugs to all. :)

Life update

Okay, so this another one of those times that I want to start a new blog post, but I am not sure how to jump in. Once again, events have occurred that are not my doing, but affect me greatly. Once again, a child of mine has behaved less than beautifully, and now has a steep price to pay. Once again, a sleepless night, a day full of worry and helplessness. My child is by no means the only one at fault, but is left holding the bag for everyone involved. Once again, I know how to make the problem go away, but cannot make this adult child understand that's the only option. Once again, I lay awake, knowing that nothing that I say or do will change any of it, and I am left with merely trying to keep my-own-self from destruction.

My new job is very stressful. At this time, I can't say whether that's only me---making it that way, or if the whole place is that stressed out. I feel fairly certain that it will eventually be okay there - but to say that this past week has been a breeze would be a lie. I have two women working directly for me---right, I know - a piece of cake..after all, in the past I have had more than ten times that amount report directly to me. However, the dynamic in this place is way different than what I am used to. First of all, I am the boss, and I have no clue about how things are done there. So, the two who do, have to spend all of their time showing me. Not a good way to begin. Then, I find out that the one that has to spend all of her time helping me, once had my job and couldn't do it----and was asked to step down. So, no wonder she has a chip on her shoulder large enough for me to crawl into. Personally, if I were in her shoes, there is no way I would stay in that place, but both of these women are long-term employees and not going anywhere. Neither of them appear to be smart enough to worry that leaving me hanging will not be good for them, not in the long run. But hey - whatever...at this point, I can take it. If the other things in my life do not settle down soon though, it could get ugly. Physically, doing this job is all that I can manage right now. I get to work by seven-thirty and nearly crawl back up to this apartment around five and I cannot hardly make it across the floor. This is not a physical job, and my exhaustion and severe pain are not completely understood by me, I mean - I know I have health issues but this is ridiculous. All I can do is hope that physically I become used to it...and mentally I can do it---and by that I mean put up with all the bullshit. Because this is the only option for me, and because it just makes sense...it has to work. I will manage, somehow.

At home, no progress is being made. That is my fault, as I just don't have the strength left in me to even be nice to Mark, let alone try and pull this relationship out of the toilet. We had plans to actually spend time together yesterday, you know - like doing something fun---as if either of us could recognize fun---but they were messed up by the events I started this post with. We did see alot of each other this past week, but it's easy to see, none of it was enjoyed or even wanted... by either of us I would say, but we had necessary reasons to be together. So, where this is going is also unknown to me right now.

Other than that...I'm doing well. I am actually looking forward to a quiet day alone. Well--mostly alone as I am sure I will see a kid or two at one time or another. Happy Sunday. :)

BORING-don't say I didn't warn you

Today, my niece turns eighteen. My ex---the kids dad, turns fifty-nine (holy crap!). Tomorrow, my father would have been seventy-seven. Hmmmm....makes me think of MY 49th coming up in a couple of months....no, let's think about something else.

Martin Luther King day...is there mail today?

I am reading the best book --- THE HOUR I FIRST BELIEVED by Wally Lamb. I can't read it fast enough, my eyes are really causing trouble. But the book is great.

We went to Sunday church this week, instead of Saturday church. Sunday morning services are much more formal, most people in their Sunday best, but more traditional. Saturday evening services are come as you are, jeans and t-shirts and much more relaxed. I have decided I like both of them. There are advantages to going on either day, but I enjoyed being out and among people fairly early in the day on Sunday. We went to Panera afterward, and had lunch. Then a shopping trip for Mark -- he will be going to Atlanta this next week for training, and needed more clothes. We also needed to go to the grocery store, but by that time I was shopped out, and I am lucky enough to have a husband that doesn't mind going on his own.

I actually got out and walked yesterday, in the morning. I can't go as far as I would like, it's been too long since I have walked at all. The weather was somewhat cooperative, the temps in the lower teens, which I can manage okay, as long as we aren't in the zeros..which is why I haven't walked in so long, the winter this year has been brutal. Like everyone this year, I am ready for winter to take a hike.

Okay...this post is even boring me. I'm out.

THE ego and THE force...

I am really late in posting, aren't I? About a day and a half late, I think. I have been running around like a chicken with no head, and today is not looking any better. And yes, I have seen the proverbial chicken running, my grandmother used to take off their heads on a stump with her foot when I was a tiny, tiny child...it was rather gross....

I had an awesome interview yesterday, and today I'm filled with fear that I won't be offered the position. Yesterday, I felt so positive but overnight I have begun to reason with myself why I wouldn't be their first call. Who knows? Job hunting is a real ego destroyer, and even when I have had no real rejection yet, it stings to think that I would. I suppose we protect ourselves this way, although I really do believe I am a little old to feel this insecure. See what I mean? The position in question was at a place where I could feel very much that I belong, and let me tell you, that's hard to find. So, in my head, that is the one. I do however, have another interview coming up next week that would also be a very fun place to work and the money would be doable. So I can only say, it beats the hell out of me, all of it.

Mark took a job on Wednesday. It is sales, something that he has had no real experience with, and it is a total sink or swim position. I support him completely, I do believe he has it in him to be wonderful at it.

It looks like we will be moving within the next three weeks or so, and how I am going to manage that is completely undecided. Oh yes, I have all the time in the world to pack up a three bedroom, two bath, three garage house, and move it. Just like that. No problem. We will go to an apartment in the city, and frankly, I cannot wait. I just don't want to have to actually DO it. UGH. Help!

Beyond all of this, I have no idea which project I will tackle first today, I have so many to accomplish. I should get myself in gear. The force be with you, or with me, whichever. :)

Happy Tuesday

Happy Tuesday.

Unless you are me, then it's not so happy...

I have no real reason for feeling so bad, but I do think it's best that I just keep my mouth shut today. You know, like our mothers always told us, if you can't say anything nice,then don't say anything at all.

Happy Tuesday.