The NOW project

This week is flying right by me. Every day is a blur, and I just can't keep up with them. I hope that's partly due to me trying harder to live in the moment and not in the future or past. This has been a goal of mine recently...to make sure that I don't miss something happening now, wondering what will happen next week or month, or even worse --- remembering what happened last year, or the year before. Does that make any sense? In doing that, I think I am feeling more relaxed and happy and enjoying the little things that seem to slip by most of us. When all that is focused on is the NOW, then time just slips by without notice. I hate watching the clock, but like most of the world, live by it. I am really attempting to go with how I feel and not what the clock says it's time to do, within reason of course, as I have to show up at work and to various appointments by the clock. In my mind, this has been named the now project, and when I find myself slipping into what will be, what if, why didn't I---I just repeat think of now, think of now, think of NOW. Even in my current life, there are many things to enjoy and have fun doing, and for the most part, that is how I am living. Most of my life takes place inside these four walls, other than the forty hours I give to my employer. I focus on the fact that I am so happy to be living in these particular four walls, and feel lucky to be doing so. When I start to worry about my future, I bring myself back to here and how grateful I am to have what I do, and to be where I am. I have changed my music preferences by choice, as like for so many of you, music takes me back to where I was, how I felt and what I was doing THEN. I have been very surprised and pleased at how much wonderful, awesome new music there is out there, even if most people think it's kind of strange that an old hag like me would buy the Black Eyed Peas latest cd. I am tired of living in the past, and worrying about the future. I am tired of feeling sad for what is gone. I am tired of feeling like I did something wrong before, or I wouldn't be in the messed up state I am in now. I am just tired of not having any enjoyment in anything. I look at my grandson and know that the future is where it's all at, but I also know that if I don't take the time to enjoy the NOW, that someday I will wish I had.

So, that is the reason I put my Christmas tree up early. Many of you have asked why, or if I usually do that. No, not usually. But it is only me here these days, and I feel like I can sit and look at the lights anytime, and that's okay. Christmas will have to be in my heart this year, as it cannot be in what's under the tree, as in years past.

I went to church last Sunday. It was a new church, I am trying to find one that "fits". I was very excited and hopeful to visit this one, I had heard the pastor speak on a local radio show, and felt very much like he said the things that I believed, and he made sense. Boy-oh-boy...did I ever choose the wrong Sunday to go. Hmm...can we say fire and brimstone and even perhaps a couple of scare tactics? I practically ran out of that place, and it left me feeling very shaken and upset. The video that was shown has haunted me since. Perhaps I will do a bit more homework before I try the next one.

I found, on the internet, the auction that was held on the 7th of this month, selling all of my fathers property (that was left), including his house. It hurt me to my core, and made me cry. Not one person called me. My own flesh-and-blood cousin was the trustee. Just one more thing that I am trying to overcome, by living in the now. Otherwise, I could go ballistic on that cousin. Many things in this life are just not right. Many things. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that Walmart, who wanted that property in Southern Missouri, and was willing to pay nearly a half a million for it, did not step up. I hope she is happy with her money, as that is all she ever saw when she looked any my dad and stepmother.

I had an MRI on my brain yesterday. I hope they find one in there, some days I wonder. But I had the contrast stuff in the vein and it made me terribly sick. I was nauseous for quite a while and then my head started banging and wouldn't stop. It was not easy to drive home after that, plus it was raining and foggy and hard to see anyway. I was happy to park the car safely and nearly crawl up to my apartment. I had to go to bed, just to get my head to stop pounding.

We are having one of "those" sales at work. You know the kind, where the vultures swoop in, basically deceive the public, sell one hell of a lot of vehicles and then they slither out. I don't like them in theory, but we are selling a ton of cars. Eventually, doing that kind of business will bite you in the backside, but for now, at least I have a ton to do during my eight hours.

Have a happy. :)

A few things

Observations from an (almost) fifty year old:

Whatever can go wrong ...even if it' the most unlikely thing...will eventually happen, if given enough time. However, this can go for what can go right, too...if hope is held out.

Like Sally Field---I've got this one body...but mine is often broken.

Every day, it's a choice. Some days, it's nearly impossible to take the happy road. With the proper training, it becomes easier.

There really is a time for everything. Really.

Age makes many things easier, especially if we can still try, and not fall into the "old dog-new tricks" rule.

Some things aren't really what they appear to be. Conditioning can make us believe things to be one way, a rude awakening comes with eyes wide open.

So...

it's been a good weekend. Not necessarily the one I thought I would have, but good nonetheless. I cleaned, shopped, put up the Christmas tree, ate lunch out today. All in all, things are okay. I have spent all my evenings alone, and enjoyed it. Tonight, listening to music, playing around on the computer, going to bed early. I expect a crazy week at work, a little extra sleep can't hurt. I'm out.

Layin' it all out there

First bone head move of the day:

Wake up at four am, stumble to the coffee pot, turn it on, stumble to the bathroom upstairs and brush my teeth. Come out of the bathroom, back down to the kitchen---good heavens, what's that noise? Oh yeah...that would be coffee pouring all over the kitchen counter, as I forgot to put the pot in the coffee maker. Clean that mess up, thirty minutes later, make more coffee. You know, I'm not sure that my coffee maker will ever be the same. Coffee wasn't streaming out of it, it was coming back up through the top, as I have one of those machines that you can take the pot out under to pour coffee while it's still brewing. So, I not only had coffee everywhere, but I had coffee grounds, too. Lovely start to the day.

So then, it's time for breakfast for my kitties, and I get out the canned food, put it in their bowls, holding my nose all the way. I have not had a sip of coffee yet, and I seriously need it by now. I put the food bowls on the floor, pour my first cup, gather up my things to sit down at the computer and step in the f***ing cat food. Bone head move number two and it's barely four thirty am. Gah.

Yes, it's going to be a good day.

I feel like ass this morning. Turning my head to the left has been a problem all week, and that has not improved. My right foot is alternating between burning, buzzing and no feeling at all. Something is brewing south of my left behind cheek, it feels like if I move wrong, it will knock me to the floor. My knees sound like jiffy pop on the stairs and my left hip is making this loud click from time to time. Yea me.

I think my marriage of thirteen and one half years is dying a slow death. Perhaps I am no longer able to get my point across, anyone agree with that? Hell, I don't know anymore. After a conversation with Mark, I seriously wonder if I'm losing my mind. I don't feel that way after conversing with anyone else, but I don't talk to that many. Anyone wanting to weigh in here, it's fine by me. I am open to suggestions because I am completely out of ideas.

And while I am whining and swearing and talking out loud here, I had an interesting conversation with a male customer at work. I don't even know how I got to the point of telling him that I would be fifty on my next birthday. I was then told that I was "well preserved". Hmm..compliment or not? He was older than me, considerably. Is fifty so old that being preserved is necessary? bleh...

I don't' care if it harelips the governor, I am going to have a good holiday season this year. There is not much money, and I have little strength, but screw it. I am putting my tree up as soon as I can, and I am going to enjoy the reason. I feel it in my heart, it's not in my wallet.

I have not even had the strength to get to the store all week long. I have zero food in this house. I have been eating the strangest things, just because I am too damned tired to go get anything else. I had cheesebread for dinner the other night. Let me remind you, I hate cheese and bread. Today, grocery shopping, first thing.

Happy Saturday friends. I'm out.

Too late this morning

Because I'm running late today...

I don't have time to tell you that my doc is putting me through all kinds of tests, once again. He is afraid that we could be missing something and that if I have surgery now, I could end up worse off and still in so much pain, because we missed something else. Yes, yes, whatever, I'll do what you ask because after all, I am the one asking for your help.

And I don't have time to tell you that I have to work a long day today, which is really a tragedy on a Friday...come on. See how spoiled I am getting? I used to work more than sixty hours a week.

I also don't have the time to say that the husband and I cannot seem to connect on any level these days, and I find that disturbing. I don't know if it's me, him or the combination of the two of us together. I seem to have no trouble getting my point across with anyone else or here..

And I am running too far behind to say that my kitty Meisha---whom I have had for two years--and who has never, ever been destructive in any way, ate my headphones the night before last. Chewed them into pieces. She was mad because Tonka (new kitty that lives with Mark) had been here all evening. I couldn't believe it.

I am too late to say that I have a long list of medications that have been changed or added or ugh. I hate pills and just seem to add to the list every time I see the dr. Dammit.

Too late to say any more, have to go now. Sorry I was too late today to tell you all any of these things. :) Happy Friday.

Stuff, stuff and more stuff

I will never know if I would have gotten the job, I could hardly walk the day of the interview, so it made no sense to go. I am fooling myself, there is no way I can do that kind of work, not until the dr's can fix me. I can hardly do the kind of work I already have, walking some days is next to impossible.

Yes, I am frustrated. Yes, my attitude is bad. I am so tired of physical problems I could just scream, but that doesn't help. I try really, really hard, every day. It does not change the facts. And, that? It makes me really mad.

I see my neuro today. I have to have some answers. I don't necessarily expect to have any today, but I will put the wheels in motion to find them. My dr is not excited for me to have surgery but I have tried every other thing, and I cannot (will not) live the rest of my life this way. I have had the epidurals, I have tried and am still trying the medications. I live my life rushing home to take pills, which knock me out, either literally---and I sleep my life away, or partially, and I am too out of it to do anything. I am like a stupid child, each day I wake up expecting that I will feel better, only to have my expectations crushed. My ex used to call me Pollyanna...I suppose he was right. The surgery that I need is dangerous in that there are so many parts to it, I may have to have two procedures. The outcome is not guaranteed and I could end up with no use of my legs whatsoever. I need a cage put in my spine to hold the bones in place. That even sounds awful and believe me, I don't want it. However, I don't want to live this way, either. I try so hard not to sound sorry for myself, I really don't feel that way. I know how much worse things could be, but not being able to do the few things I want to do is really a problem. I guess I will know more later.

Something is beeping, and I can't figure out what the heck it is. Have you all noticed how many things in our lives beep these days? It is coming from downstairs, it's too soon for the coffee pot to be telling me it's time to shut off, my phone is here beside me, my laptop has no reason to beep, ugh, it's the house phone, the battery is low. Good heavens.

I am finding it hard to believe that the holidays are upon us. The Christmas lights are up here at my apartment community, they are beautiful. Thanksgiving is just a couple of weeks away---and I just found out the my son is coming home! I am so excited about that. I am making dinner, at least I think I am, I am having trouble getting my kids let me know their plans...but either way, Craig will be here, and I can't wait. I have not seen him for weeks - thirteen of them, in fact. He has always been my good friend...and I can't tell you how much I miss him. He is doing well and is happy, so I am all for him living in Colorado, but some days I just want to hug him. He calls to see how I am, he always remembers to ask how things went with whatever is happening in my life. He has been such as support to me for so long...he worries about me more than he should. I cannot wait to see him.

I am not going to work today, the dr appointment I have is two stupid hours away. It has been so slow at work my presence will not be missed. Things there have been tense and I am happy to have a day away, although I am not looking forward to what I am doing.

Ugh, it was not the phone...I hung that on the charger, and the beep just went off again. I think I shall go see...

Have a happy Wednesday. :)