Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Because I promised,actually even UN-RESOLUTIONED, I must

write something here now, because I am coming up on a week since last said anything here. The truth of the matter is, I have had a really rough week. Rough as in, P A I N.

Unrelenting, crazy-making, GODPLEASEMAKEITGOAWAY kind of pain. And He hasn't. (Made it go away, that is). I cannot say why it has been so much worse - I used to try and analyze every move, every little thing I did to see if I could establish a pattern, find a cause, just make some kind of sense of why I hurt so bad. Then I realized that it was a stupid, futile thing to do. There is no reason why, and other than understanding that the more physical I am with my back, the more pain I have, Other than that, there is no sense to be made of it.

I won't go into the dreaded details of all this crap --- Geez, who wants to hear (read) about someone else's aches and pain -- but suffice it to say, I have made calls to doctors, and I NEVER make calls to anyone, especially doctors. I hate doctors, and I have good, even great doctors and I never call them, other than when I have to call, see or otherwise dink around with them, which is way more often than I like. But, I made calls to doctors. And waited for calls to be made back to me. And they were.

And my surgery date has been moved up, Significantly. Before, I had a date in April to see my surgeon again, to have another CT scan, to set a surgery date at that time. Which would have been at least six weeks from that time. Now, I am waiting for my surgeon's office staff to get yet another surgery cleared and okay'd by my insurance company and then the date can be set. With any luck, the end of February - or the first part of March. However, my insurance company, who would much rather see me dead than alive, is making my life a living hell and causing much, MUCH longer waiting times than necessary (as I said, if they dick around long enough, I could blow my own brains out, thereby ending the need to pay out yet again, for surgery)... and btw --- that's my idea of what they are thinking, not anything like what I'm thinking or planning or anything of the sort. But, anything they can do to make my life worse, they are doing it. So,the surgery date is up to them and I'm praying it's soon. I have been in pain for years and years and years.But, nothing like I am experiencing now. You really do get to a point where you think about which is easier, living this way or giving up and dying. NO, I'm not suicidal at all, but anyone in my shoes would have these thoughts. So far, I think of my kids and grand kids and that's enough for me. But I can see where a person could get caught up in thinking the other way. Pain will wear you down and make you old and literally take the light right out of your life. Even the strongest of the strong. And I am one of those, the strong, I mean. But it's taking it's toll. Yes, I have pain medications. Yes, I go through hell each and every month, seeing my pain doctor, fighting with the insurance company, taking the medications that I hate so very much, and depend on even more - because I could NOT make it without them. I have tried. I have gone off of them to prove I can, and I have proven that I can't. I am dependent with a capital D. But that is due to pain. I do not have a drug problem. I have a pain problem. I am so tired of the stigma that goes along with the super heavy duty pain drugs. Every person I encounter, every person my husband encounters (because he is the one that picks them up for me), treats us as though we were the scum of the very earth. And I am talking about the pharmacists, the clerks the nurses that work with and for the doctors, just in general --- I am thought of as a junkie. And one day, when I no longer have to depend on the heavy duty drugs to survive, I am going to do something about it. I am going to get my point across to a few certain people one day. And while I really have never wished bad things on anyone, I have a hard time NOT wishing for painful things to happen to certain individuals, because folks will never, ever learn until they are in my shoes. And enough. I am sorry to have gotten off on this little rant.

Again, I've had a rough few days. If you are one who prays, please throw a couple of sentences to the man upstairs my way --- I can use all the help I can get.

I apologize for the content of this post, it certainly is NOT any fun or even interesting to read. But when I committed to writing here once a week, I never said anything about writing something worth reading. LOL.

Big Hugs, y'all. I'm out.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Random -- Really.Really Random

It's cold in this place today, although I haven't moved the thermostat in ages, so it's the same 67 degrees that it always is. (Yes, I know that is cool but you take the meds I take and let's talk temperature).

Actually, living on the top floor of this concrete building, not much energy is used to keep this place running along at that temperature -- in the winter,it has to be very cold outside to cause the furnace to kick on. I mean really cold, like near zero and high winds.... otherwise, the apartments below us pretty much heat our place. However, it is a way different story in the summer months, lol..

My daughter and her four kiddoes were here all morning --- oh my gosh, I worship those kids. They are my heart all over again, just like my own kids were. It's amazing how wonderful having grandkids is. Seriously.

On Wednesdays, I keep my son's oldest boy -- Wrigley. (Yes, his parents are DIE HARD CUBS FANS) (Their youngest, the four month old, is named Maddux, so yeah, BIG CUB FANS.) But anyway -- I have the three year old, Wrigs, each Wednesday, and while it tears me up pain-wise, I wouldn't give that day up for anything. He and I have such fun --- and it gets better each week. Yes, God has blessed me with such joyous grand children.

My Bone Growth Stimulaor has finally been approved by my AWFUL, AWFUL insurance company, so I should be getting it soon. I am NOT looking forward to using it at all, but if it will help me, bring it on. I have had enough of the waiting.

My heart is heavy today and I am trying not to think about the news my daughter gave me today -- they will be leaving for North Dakota in the next couple of weeks - her husband's job keeps them traveling and up to now, it has only been in-state. I knew, of course, that they would have to leave someday --- somewhere further away but I have avoided thinking seriously about that. Now I am faced with the reality and it's all I can do not to cry. Yes, I will miss my daughter, we have become very close these past few years. But OMGosh, losing those kids will honestly kill me. Again, I knew. They bought a semi-sized camper and a one ton truck just for this purpose. She pulled the oldest boys out of school two years ago and homeschools them for this purpose. But my heart feels like it's all new news and I think I may have a panic attack. Good heavens, Jamie, get a grip!

My kitties are driving me up the wall, daily. We have three. They are beautiful, spoiled rotten kitties. They create mess after mess after mess. If I didn't have kitties, I would have about 80% less housework to do. But, since I cannot tolerate cat hair, it's daily sweeping, very frequent vacuuming. de-hairing the blankets, furniture, etc.... all the effing time. Tonka and Meisha are fat cats that are happy, playful and loving. Mason, who is 17 in a couple of weeks, has very quickly become quite ill and there is nothing that can be done for him. A few years ago, the vet told us that his kidneys were failing and with time, it would cause his demise. We put him on the kidney diet then and he's lived way longer than the vet indicated was normal for his troubles. But the end is near -- the poor baby has always weighed 13 pounds, he now weighs just over 8. He is nothing but bones, can eat about a tbsp of food at a time, sleeps for hours and wakes to eat another tablespoon. We feed him all day and all night, whenever he cries for food and it is often and around the clock. I am very grateful that I have such a wonderful husband that loves them as much as I do -- he gets up with Mason as much if not more than I and feeds him. I feel very sure that one day soon Mason will lay down to sleep and not wake again. I dread it but also want it to happen before we have to make that decision. He is not in pain yet but I can tell that he is often cold --- and it looks like his old skinny bones just might hurt, he will only lay in the softest of areas in the house, and I cover him most of the time. I love having pets --- both cats and dogs but I am so tired of losing them. I know it's a part of it, but the heartache gets worse as I age and I just can't take it anymore.

Enough. Time for pain meds, time for rest.

Peace. Out.

J.

Monday, January 09, 2017

Wow---

I was just reading back on several of my older posts ----

I used to write alot. I am ashamed of the way that I just let it go. However, there are circumstances that helped me to do that, I didn't just get up one day and think "I quit". But that is essentially how it turned out in the end. I hate that.

This month, is the FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of me NOT WORKING. I STILL HATE IT. I STILL DREAM OF THE DAY I CAN GO BACK TO WORK. I realize that each year that becomes a bit more unlikely, but still I pray and dream to do just that. Funny how this life of mine has turned out. Not really funny - actually pretty sad. I loved my work - I loved the place that I worked, I actually enjoyed doing the job. (Most of the time - I wasn't a nerd, there were days I would have gladly given it away, but I knew every second that I was complaining about it, I knew that I was blessed to have it, and that I loved it.) And while there certainly is no plan, no place - and absolutely no job, I still pray that I can have it all back again. Yes, I know I'm getting old - but I think I still have some good years left in me, if they can just get the damned pain in my upper back under control. That sounds so easy --- and the truth it, they know exactly how to do that --- once the fusion that has now been there for more than two years would just "take". All it is, is a matter of removing about nine screws. Again, that sounds so easy. My surgeon has been in there to do just that five times now. And five times I have been closed up - with various other screws removed, but the particular ones that I need taken out cannot be just yet, because my bones have not grown back together the way that they should have. I have been in this particular hell since October of 2014 --- when I had the first HUGE surgery that was supposed to fix me and allow me to get most, if not all of my life back. After a surgery that was more than 18 hours in length, and literally took out many, many of the discs in my spine, and put in TWO titanium rods the length of my entire back, along with 67 screws, after all of that particular hell ---  and omgosh, it was hell -- I woke up crying about the unbelievable pain in my upper shoulders. A place that I had never felt pain before. In the midst of all the stitches, the tubes, the hardware, and the horror of it all --- the thing that I could not tolerate was the pain in my shoulders. And I cannot tolerate it yet. It has not changed, other than to increase. It is unrelenting, it is sharp, it is dull, it is an electric-type pain like hitting your funny bone -- it is a  vice-like pain, like being squeezed every second of every day --- it is unbearable. And yet, I bear it. Somehow. With the help of several (but not nearly enough) pain medications. I cry, I carry on (inside), I suffer. I think about dying ---  but not about killing myself. I often think that it would be so much easier for me. But then I remember that my kids are not ready for that, just yet. So, I tell God one more time that I know it's not yet my time and to please, somehow -- help me to carry on this way.

At this time, we are waiting for April --- to see my surgeon again, and determine if things have improved, so he can try again. I am doing everything possible for that to happen. I am waiting on a Bone Growth Stimulator to arrive --- no, I don't have any idea what it really is, I only know that some have had luck with them. It's an electronic device that is hooked up to the area with electrodes for a certain period of time each day. I had never even heard of one until my last appointment with the doctor. Waiting now for insurance bs -- as usual. So, hopefully that will help. I have always been told by my doctors that smoking inhibits bones fusing, that goes way back ten years when I had neck surgery and that doctor told me that he wouldn't help me if I didn't quit. (I didn't quit back then and my neck fused just fine). I did quit this time, however. Finally --  after decades and decades of smoking, I am smoke free. It was a year in August. And hopefully, that will help my bones to grow back together. I will tell you sometime how I did manage to quit -- it was mostly due to an old blogging friend I used to have, Brenda at Soul Survivor. It was something she said to me a few years ago that worked.... but I don't think she is a friend anymore. I'm not sure of what I've done but apparently it was something. My memory these past few years has not been good for various reasons, another thing I will explain someday.

So, anyway --- my point is, my damned back SHOULD be growing together. I have just about had it, with pain, with this life, with all of it --- and it is time. Whatever lesson I should be learning, surely it is firmly in place and fully learned. IT IS TIME I'M FIXED.

Over and Out.

Hugs, y'all.

J.

Friday, January 06, 2017

It's happened again -

Another shooting. Another day of senseless killing. Another day of television programming live from the location where minutes and hours before, random people have died for no apparent reason,

I am of average intelligence -- maybe even slightly above -- and I don't understand.

What happens to people that they get out of bed one day, after generally having put considerable thought and planning into it, they drive to a certain location and they start shooting, killing as many people as possible in a short few minute? What gets into a person that this looks like a good idea? How can a human being bring about such violence, such ugliness, such vile thinking that actually hurting and killing a living thing can be done? Am I missing something?

I couldn't even hurt an animal - of any kind. I could, I suppose, if I or one of mine were in danger... but even then, I have wondered if I actually could. Now - a person, a person that I do not know that is an immediate threat to one of my kids or grand kids, I guess I could hurt them, or even kill them. I've often wondered why I have felt more compassion for animals than I have felt for humans - say on tv, in a crime story or something like that. I always cry when an animal is hurt - on any show, even on a stupid Disney movie, when you know darned well that the ending will be happy, I still cry when animals are hurt or killed. I never cry when a person is hurt or murdered on a tv show or movie -(what does that say about me?).

Luckily, I have never had to test my theory about hurting another that is trying to harm me or mine - or an animal that is wanting to do harm. I just hasn't happened. And so, we are always told we don't know how we would react. I'm sure there is truth in that. But I am not a violent person - even if I am hurt, I have no feelings of inflicting hurt on another, at least when it comes to emotional pain and hurt. I've never dealt with any kind of physical pain against myself - other than a spanking or two when I was very young. So, I guess I don't know how I would react.

So, I CANNOT understand why people do what has happened today at the airport in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. And countless other locations recently. I watch the news reports and cry - literally - for those who don't make it, but more do for the families of those who don't or those who lived through such horror and are forced to live with it afterwards. I am smart enough to know that often those that commit these horrendous crimes have had awful, painful, violent lives - and I suppose that kind of living situation can make the brain go haywire. But many, many people have had unbelievably horrible beginnings and they do not "get even" or react this way. So, I really don't get it. I do know that the older I get, the more these things hurt me. The more I can feel the pain of those who do have to endure these events. The more disturbed I am. And the more useless I feel in the face of it. Nothing can be done - nothing can help, there is nothing I can do.

I have always believed that the only hope in changing this changing world - the only hope in making the thinking of this collective world more loving, less "me" and more "us" - is God. And, raising children that know nothing but love, nothing but security, nothing but solid thinking, reasoning, and turning the other cheek. So, I have done that. And I am helping to do that with my Grand kids. Beyond that --- I am completely helpless.  A feeling that I hate, and find myself feeling more often each year.

So --- I'm doing the only thing I can think of. I'm praying for those involved. It feels so inconsequential.

I hope you all are having good days-

Back soon.  :)

J.

Monday, January 02, 2017

I HATE RESOLUTIONS

I hate RESOLUTIONS.

And so, here it is the second day of a brand new year. 2017. Holy crap, how can that even be? Time is no longer your friend after the age of 40, or so it has seemed in my world. Forty was so long ago I can't even see it. But enough about my age. I sound like my mother used to - like my grandmother used to --- Good hell,

So, as I was saying - I hate resolutions although I think many/most of us go through a mental list of things we'd like to change or at least see differently at the beginning of any new year. In that spirit, I will give you my 2017 NON-RESOLUTION.

I am going to write here, at least once a week, through out this new year.

Yeah -- so what do you think of that? A very, very tall order for someone like me. A very clear statement that will be super easy for anyone to see whether or not I have kept up with this promise. I may be able to -- I certainly want to. The reality though, is always the hard part. I am so often sick - I mean really, really unable to do anything. Physical pain has become my whole world. I want so much for that to be different, that I have begun forcing myself to do many things that I have been unable to do for the past years, and I have learned that it hasn't killed me. I am probably the strongest bitch you ever want to meet - even still, when I say forcing myself, omgosh I wish I could tell you what that entails. There just is no way to explain the sheer will it takes to just get up an DO when my pain is at it's usual level of 12.5 on a scale of one to ten. I honestly can make myself do many things but when my pain is that bad, being nice is never one of them. I also am not mean or nasty, I am just non-communicative. Ask me a question at that time and expect a grunt in reply. I can do many things but behave in a pleasant way at that time is not possible. So, making myself sit here at this desktop computer and write the honest truth in a manner that won't completely alienate every person that is wonderful enough to stop here and read could be asking for the impossible. But I intend to try,

Having said that, I need to clear up a few things. I honestly know I've been gone too long to expect the same wonderful readers that I used to have, I don even think the majority of those people still get on here and read anyone. If any of them still do, I am aware that they gave up on me a long time ago, and with good reason. I am also aware that to have readers, I also have to read the blogs of those that read me, and I am also promising to do my best at that, as well. I want so badly to have something that matters in my life again -- and yes, I know that writing a blog is not exactly rocket science or a life and death sort of issue, but it does matter to me. I have isolated myself in my pain. It has not been a conscious decision but it has happened, nonetheless. Also too, I want to try to be honest here. That, I have found, is really the hardest part about writing. Honesty is essential in life-even in something as small and inconsequential as this little blog. I sounds so easy to say, certainly very easy to type- HONESTY - but, oh-so-difficult to actually manage. There are things in my life that I have chosen not to say here, throughout all the years that I did write here. Many of them were small little unimportant details that really didn't matter, When they were added up though, I often felt like I was not just not being honest, but that maybe I was being DISHONEST, and there really is a difference. So, I will try. I also have to recognize that often my lack of honesty is purely because some things are not mine to tell. In those cases, I will choose to not to say those things.

Bear with me, my maybe one or two readers here - all of this will take some learning and re-learning. Also, some plain old sheer willpower and guts. A couple of things that I find I still have.

So, look for me. I will be here. I may not have pretty things to say - I may not have ANYTHING to say, but I will report just that.

Much love and big hugs --

J.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Just another day in October---



Okay,so its's been a couple of years since a post. No, I cannot blame it on Facebook, at least, not anymore. I deleted my account there more than a year ago. So --- I guess you could say I have no excuse - other than the fact that my life is spent in pain, every second of every day. I have had so many friends here but most of them have given up on me, with good reason, I understand. I just cannot live like a normal person anymore....even though I pray so hard each and every day to be able to do that. So far, no luck. Six back surgeries in the past two years and I am still in hell. Waiting for my shoulder area bones to fuse so that I can have yet another surgery. Sadly, I live my life trying to get to the next one, hoping that will be the one that works.

Otherwise, my life is good. I still have a husband - heaven knows why - and three kids that still like me. And I have SIX (6) Grandkids!!! SIX!!!!  And they are the reason that I haven't completely given up. They range in age from 7 to two weeks old. Five are boys -- LOL -- and one little girl that is about 18 months. If I am able to do anything, it is for them.

So, just a short update --- I just am not up to any more right now. Just saying that I am still breathing, if anyone is still looking. I understand if not --  after this long, who remembers?

If I have any readers, thank you. Have a great day --- big hugs.

Jamie

Saturday, July 05, 2014

He knows not what he sings....





"Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention". Oh yeah, sing it Frank - or Elvis, or... (fill in your own singer of your favorite version here)


I call bullshit.

Am I really supposed to believe that he doesn't have regrets? That you all don't have regrets?

I sure do have them. Lots of them. And I'm tired of hearing that we shouldn't live with regret, that somehow to feel sorry for the way that we've mis-handled something in our lives is wrong. Thank goodness that we do feel regret, for if we did not, how would we ever be able to change? How could we grow and do things differently if we hadn't done them incorrectly in the first place?

To live a life with regret says that you have lived a life. I am not sorry about that. 

So, shut up Frank. You don't know what you're talking about.

Later.

Monday, May 12, 2014

The Best Day

I had the best Mother's Day in a really, really long time.

All of my Grandsons have birthdays in May and August. I didn't make it to my oldest Gsons birthday party last week, I just couldn't. So - I planned a little birthday party here for all the boys, with cake and ice cream and presents and fun. I had it yesterday, on Mother's Day. I got presents for all of the boys - and I will do another party for all of them, in August. It can't hurt to have two birthday parties at Grandma's house each year. There is no greater joy than watching those boys open presents from Gma and Gpa. I loved every second of it.

I killed two birds with one stone, also. Both of my in-state kids were with me on my day, as well. They usually are --- but this year I was able to have dinner for all of us before the cake. I got the most wonderful gifts from my kids and husband --- and I got a card from my oldest son in Colorado! Let me tell you, that is something! (I know he loves me, but darnit - he just doesn't understand the meaning of putting a card in the mail to me.) Or maybe he's beginning to get it...

Anyway ---
 This awesome canvas pic is from Jordan -- my baby. It is his engagement pic taken last month (the wedding is in July). I think it is such a beautiful shot --- his soon to be bride is Tegan, and that awesome baby there is Wrigley --- yep Wrigley, named after the stadium, and this photo was taken here in Des Moines at the home of the i-Cubs, Chicago's minor team. Jord and Tegan are both baseball nuts, Wrigley has already spent a day at the stadium here, the plan is for his first birthday at a game in Chicago. Just an FYI - Jordy told me years ago - maybe age 15 -  that he would someday have a son and name him Wrigley. I laughed. When they talked of names last year, I found then name had really grown on me, not that that mattered, but I do really like it. It is unique, and I think little Wriggs will be, too.
 My awesome daughter got me this beautiful bracelet, I LOVE the colors. It didn't dawn on me that it is a grandchild bracelet ---  May, August, May, August! I am so proud of it.
 My Mark got me flowers and a great card. I got cards from all of my kids --- I'm telling you, I just cried.
These are pics that both of my kids brought to me, just because.
 Aren't my g'kids awesome?


 These are random pics from through out the day:










The only thing that could have made this day better was if Craig could have been here, too. He called. (And sent me a card!!) LOL   And, he and his GF will be here in July, for the wedding.

I really am not bragging, but this day was so perfect. You know, we don't get too many of those, right?

I'm out.  :)

Sunday, May 04, 2014

Still crazy, after all these years

As weeks go, this one has been stellar --- if you can use that word in a negative way. I have had a stellar-ly awful week. In bed for the most part - which isn't really usual, at least not for this long of a stretch. To be fair, I really should have expected it because the week before, the week that I decided to start writing here again, I was doing pretty well. I was up and about, actually able to get out of these four walls at least once each day. In my world, that is a big, BIG win. So, to have to suffer more than usual all the next week is not all that unexpected. My world consists of choices and bargains. If I choose to spend energy and ability on this thing, then I won't have either energy or ability to do that. It is a system that I have become used to and can usually manage, but that is not to be confused with "I'm okay with it". I am not okay with any of it, not that it does me any good. So --- you work with what God gave ya.  Bleh.

One really huge - good thing did happen. My pain management doctor, who has been in deep do-do for the past two long years, was acquitted of all charges in his trial. If you want to read about the case you can find the information here. The whole case from the very beginning was a witch hunt. None of it would have happened had one of his patients not been Paul Gray from the band Slipknot. I has been seeing him for just over two years and I thought he was a great doctor. My sister had been seeing him for almost twenty years. I don't know what really happened with any of those people that died, only they and the doctor really know the truth. But I do know for a fact that there was no malicious behavior from Dr B, and I know for certain that no doctor should be held up in a court of law on murder charges. I was afraid for the doctor himself, obviously, in this mess, but I was also afraid for the future of medicine in many different ways if he was found guilty. The whole idea of criminal charges being pinned on any doctor where suicide is involved is scary and could change the outlook of medical care. I'm not sure that this hasn't already left a scar of some kind in that area but it's not nearly as bad as a GUILTY verdict would have been. A very, very slippery slope, one that needs to be avoided at all costs. So --- I was waiting impatiently for a verdict and I really believed if they were going to acquit, it would happen within the first day of deliberation. Once the second day got under way, I began to get nervous about all of it. It took two full days for the jury to decide. One last mention from me--I am sad for the doctor because his life is ruined, or nearly so, even with the not guilty decision. I really don't see how he can return to practice after this. I know that financially, his life is a mess. I would also think that it would be difficult to try and come back to where he once was, given what many have had to say about him. True or not, charges of this nature ruins you long before the trial. It just makes me sad for him, and sad for many who depended on him.Once the charges were filed two years ago, many were left without any kind of pain care, and those who still could find it have been treated by doctors that are scared to have anything to do with pain medications. So, I guess you could say that it already did change the way medicine is practiced, and not in a good way. But, enough of that.

I have written all I can for now. I'm having so much trouble with so many things and I just can't write anymore. I will honestly try- Jose - to get back here more this week. I did get to read many of your blogs again, and I have many of them bookmarked, so I shouldn't lose any of you again.  :)

Much love and big hugs. I'm out.

Friday, April 25, 2014

An un-posted post, from 2011

I wrote the following in 2011. It was the anniversary of my first marriage, I don't know why I wrote it then, I don't know why I didn't finish it or publish it. Reading it again this morning, I see that it is worthy of being said, if only for my kids to read someday, after I'm gone. He was their dad after all, and while they all know how much I loved him, this may explain (briefly) that rocky relationship. I have not mentioned this blog to them in years, I assume they have no reason to look here any more. But even if they would read here now or in the near future, it would be okay, I don't keep too many secrets.  :)





Thirty-two years ago today, I got married. I was a starry eyed, niave, young and stupid girl, just a few weeks shy of nineteen. He was eleven years older than I, although I did not know that yet. (He shaved a few years off of his real age, although that fact was insignificant to me and it would not have mattered.) To say I was in love would be an understatement. I was that, but I was also in love with the whole idea of love and marriage and family, and I was nearly obsessed with HIM. He was all that mattered in my world. He was all that was important to me, all that I thought about, cared about, and lived for back then. He was a good man, really. He wanted the same type of life that I cared about, he wanted children, he loved fast cars and dogs and cats and kids and his mother, sort of. He loved ME. He made me feel wanted and special and needed. And stupid. Oh how he could make me feel so stupid...laughing at my young and stupid ways, my lack of knowledge of the adult world, the fact that I had no idea what the real world was. I suppose I should tell you that we dated for six weeks prior to our marriage. Yes, I know. But it could have easily have been six months or six years, the outcome would have been the same. He made me want to get it right--everything. He made me want to learn to do it all, he made me want to "break out" of my stupidity and be smarter. I thought he knew absolutely everything. He had to be the smartest man that ever lived. He was educated plus naturally smart, and had the biggest dreams of anyone I had ever met. He made me laugh. We spent so much time talking and dreaming and laughing, I can't even tell you. I waited impatiently until he would get back home, when he had to be gone from me. Within a very few months of our union, I became pregnant and that was the beginning of the most magical time of my life. He made me feel so very loved and wanted and so damned happy. I spent many days crying, seriously, with happiness. I couldn't believe my fortune or my luck.


However, those were the good days. Those were the days that life was perfectly right. There were many, many days that I was left wondering what in the world had happened to the man that I had said "I do and I will" to. The bad days were right there, smack in the middle of all the good. I can't say that the bad came later, after a period of time, or that they progressively became worse over the years, because they didn't. The bad days happened right along with the good, in the middle of the wonderful. I didn't know then and still don't know for sure now, but the man had mental problems. All I knew back then was that he had his days when he was in "a mood". The bad mood days left me feeling helpless and hopeless and even more stupid and so dark inside. He was not violent with me, not ever. But there was no item, no special thing, nothing electronic, or mechanical that would be spared. His rage would spill out of him like vomit, and I could see that he was helpless to stop it. All I knew was that I wanted it to go away, to stop, and


I wonder now what I would have written here. My days of thinking about this time in my life are gone. I am sure that's due to my current predicament, if I were well, I would still have all these opinions on oh-so-many-things. For now, I'm incapable of this kind of writing. I have hope that I will return to it. There is always hope, right?  Hugs and love, all.  :)