Sunday, February 12, 2017

Just to let you know ---

I've honestly not forgotten the promise I made to keep blogging, I've just hit a bit of a rough spot and I am trying to keep on but I'm really struggling. My pain is off the charts, I am blue because of my Kittygirl and many other reasons and I just can't pull it together the way I would like.

But I will be back here, in just a few days. Also, my oldest son has moved back home temporarily while he moves from one part of the country to another, and his room is the room my desktop computer is in. I could write on my gazillion other devices but oh-how-I-hate to try and use them.I am old and old fashioned and set in my ways, I guess --- I like my keyboard!

And one more thing --- my surgery date is March 6. I was hoping it would be a quick in and out like the majority of them have been but because he plans on taking out as much instrumentation as possible, it will be a top to bottom bru-ha-ha once again. Oh Joy! ugh...

Also --- (see how quickly my short little posts turn into long affairs?), but also --- please forgive my lack of presence on your pages, I am just not keeping up with anything, other than the medications every few hours --- that is one thing I never forget. I long for the times in my life when I was not ruled by the drugs. This way of life is hell.

I'll be back, and soon. I swear.

I'm out.

J.

Friday, February 03, 2017

Meisha --- March 1, 2005 --- January 30, 2017




It' so difficult to get good pictures of a black cat --- the dark, shiny coat just takes over. But, these random shots of my Kitty Girl Meisha are a few good ones. I miss her every day, think of her most of the time so far, but I am getting better. Time is the only thing that helps, and I don't forget but the memories become the good ones, the one's that make me laugh --- and there were many of those. Meisha was a funny, funny girl.

I miss you my little beauty. You are gone from me physically but never, ever forgotten.

Love.

Monday, January 30, 2017

My beautiful

Kitty Girl Meisha died this morning.

 MY HEART IS BREAKING.

I'm out.


Sunday, January 29, 2017

Things here have quickly..

turned to S H I T.

Yes, my pain is overwhelming ---  but even bigger than that, I have gone from having one critical, dying cat to having two --- and one with a disease that I just now found out about.

I am spending my time trying to get Meisha, my only kitty girl, to eat, drink or take her medications, and we are having nearly zero luck. Meisha is dying, at least so far. Let me back up just a bit and quickly because writing about this is a difficult as talking about it and all I have done since Friday is cry --- the two younger kitties, Mesiha and Tonka, went in for their annual immunizations on Thursday morning. Tonka came back with a diagnosis of Diabetic --- he had lost several pounds and although it didn't hurt him to lose the weight, I knew that something was clearly wrong. Diabetes did not enter my head though, and I felt so stupid because I know the symptoms of it, I know them well. My little sister is diabetic, has been most of her life. So, that blew me away --- and although it seems that he will be okay as long as we give him two shots of insulin each day, I honestly was not prepared for it, and I am sad about it. I do believe it will limit his life span and also his quality of life.So, I was in a funk about that, as well as the fact the the old cat --- Mason --- has been steadily getting worse and I know his days are limited. Yes, he is dying of kidney disease, but he is old and the vet clearly said that we have done everything possible, and that our good care has probably added a year or two to his life. I am sad about him, and I feel anxious about it too _ each morning I am afraid of finding him no longer alive. So....  Thursday evening, I noticed that Meisha was very quiet, not moving much -- you all know how it is when you pick up on something being wrong with your pets --- you just know. Mark said I was imagining things and made me feel very much like I was over reacting but by Friday I knew something was wrong and it wasn't any little reaction to the immunizations like the vet said over the phone. On Saturday morning, very, very early --- Mark left with Meisha in tow, making the two hour trip back to southern Iowa where the vets that we know and love and have used for more than 20 years, beginning when we lived down there. Most likely diagnois --- IMHA. Supposedly very rare in cats, but take a look on the internet at how many people have lost their kitties to it  --  and all of them had it triggered by immunizations. I was shocked. And apparently, there is little that can be done, we are giving her steroids and antibiotics, but honestly --- if she doesn't pee within the next few hours, I don't see how she can go on. I love that little girl, she has always been the quiet one, the no-trouble causer, kind of like the middle child. This is killing me.

Talk about perspective ---- a week ago, Mason was the sickliest cat I could imagine. After watching that little bag of bones jump from the bed to the chair this morning, I realized he is the healthiest kitty in the house. Perspective.

Blenheim.

Pray for my kitties --- all of them, and me, because I am so bad at taking care of what needs taking care of..... even though I know that fighting with her to get the medication down her throat is because of wanting to help her --- I feel so bad because she doesn't understand...

I'm out.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Because I promised,actually even UN-RESOLUTIONED, I must

write something here now, because I am coming up on a week since last said anything here. The truth of the matter is, I have had a really rough week. Rough as in, P A I N.

Unrelenting, crazy-making, GODPLEASEMAKEITGOAWAY kind of pain. And He hasn't. (Made it go away, that is). I cannot say why it has been so much worse - I used to try and analyze every move, every little thing I did to see if I could establish a pattern, find a cause, just make some kind of sense of why I hurt so bad. Then I realized that it was a stupid, futile thing to do. There is no reason why, and other than understanding that the more physical I am with my back, the more pain I have, Other than that, there is no sense to be made of it.

I won't go into the dreaded details of all this crap --- Geez, who wants to hear (read) about someone else's aches and pain -- but suffice it to say, I have made calls to doctors, and I NEVER make calls to anyone, especially doctors. I hate doctors, and I have good, even great doctors and I never call them, other than when I have to call, see or otherwise dink around with them, which is way more often than I like. But, I made calls to doctors. And waited for calls to be made back to me. And they were.

And my surgery date has been moved up, Significantly. Before, I had a date in April to see my surgeon again, to have another CT scan, to set a surgery date at that time. Which would have been at least six weeks from that time. Now, I am waiting for my surgeon's office staff to get yet another surgery cleared and okay'd by my insurance company and then the date can be set. With any luck, the end of February - or the first part of March. However, my insurance company, who would much rather see me dead than alive, is making my life a living hell and causing much, MUCH longer waiting times than necessary (as I said, if they dick around long enough, I could blow my own brains out, thereby ending the need to pay out yet again, for surgery)... and btw --- that's my idea of what they are thinking, not anything like what I'm thinking or planning or anything of the sort. But, anything they can do to make my life worse, they are doing it. So,the surgery date is up to them and I'm praying it's soon. I have been in pain for years and years and years.But, nothing like I am experiencing now. You really do get to a point where you think about which is easier, living this way or giving up and dying. NO, I'm not suicidal at all, but anyone in my shoes would have these thoughts. So far, I think of my kids and grand kids and that's enough for me. But I can see where a person could get caught up in thinking the other way. Pain will wear you down and make you old and literally take the light right out of your life. Even the strongest of the strong. And I am one of those, the strong, I mean. But it's taking it's toll. Yes, I have pain medications. Yes, I go through hell each and every month, seeing my pain doctor, fighting with the insurance company, taking the medications that I hate so very much, and depend on even more - because I could NOT make it without them. I have tried. I have gone off of them to prove I can, and I have proven that I can't. I am dependent with a capital D. But that is due to pain. I do not have a drug problem. I have a pain problem. I am so tired of the stigma that goes along with the super heavy duty pain drugs. Every person I encounter, every person my husband encounters (because he is the one that picks them up for me), treats us as though we were the scum of the very earth. And I am talking about the pharmacists, the clerks the nurses that work with and for the doctors, just in general --- I am thought of as a junkie. And one day, when I no longer have to depend on the heavy duty drugs to survive, I am going to do something about it. I am going to get my point across to a few certain people one day. And while I really have never wished bad things on anyone, I have a hard time NOT wishing for painful things to happen to certain individuals, because folks will never, ever learn until they are in my shoes. And enough. I am sorry to have gotten off on this little rant.

Again, I've had a rough few days. If you are one who prays, please throw a couple of sentences to the man upstairs my way --- I can use all the help I can get.

I apologize for the content of this post, it certainly is NOT any fun or even interesting to read. But when I committed to writing here once a week, I never said anything about writing something worth reading. LOL.

Big Hugs, y'all. I'm out.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Random -- Really.Really Random

It's cold in this place today, although I haven't moved the thermostat in ages, so it's the same 67 degrees that it always is. (Yes, I know that is cool but you take the meds I take and let's talk temperature).

Actually, living on the top floor of this concrete building, not much energy is used to keep this place running along at that temperature -- in the winter,it has to be very cold outside to cause the furnace to kick on. I mean really cold, like near zero and high winds.... otherwise, the apartments below us pretty much heat our place. However, it is a way different story in the summer months, lol..

My daughter and her four kiddoes were here all morning --- oh my gosh, I worship those kids. They are my heart all over again, just like my own kids were. It's amazing how wonderful having grandkids is. Seriously.

On Wednesdays, I keep my son's oldest boy -- Wrigley. (Yes, his parents are DIE HARD CUBS FANS) (Their youngest, the four month old, is named Maddux, so yeah, BIG CUB FANS.) But anyway -- I have the three year old, Wrigs, each Wednesday, and while it tears me up pain-wise, I wouldn't give that day up for anything. He and I have such fun --- and it gets better each week. Yes, God has blessed me with such joyous grand children.

My Bone Growth Stimulaor has finally been approved by my AWFUL, AWFUL insurance company, so I should be getting it soon. I am NOT looking forward to using it at all, but if it will help me, bring it on. I have had enough of the waiting.

My heart is heavy today and I am trying not to think about the news my daughter gave me today -- they will be leaving for North Dakota in the next couple of weeks - her husband's job keeps them traveling and up to now, it has only been in-state. I knew, of course, that they would have to leave someday --- somewhere further away but I have avoided thinking seriously about that. Now I am faced with the reality and it's all I can do not to cry. Yes, I will miss my daughter, we have become very close these past few years. But OMGosh, losing those kids will honestly kill me. Again, I knew. They bought a semi-sized camper and a one ton truck just for this purpose. She pulled the oldest boys out of school two years ago and homeschools them for this purpose. But my heart feels like it's all new news and I think I may have a panic attack. Good heavens, Jamie, get a grip!

My kitties are driving me up the wall, daily. We have three. They are beautiful, spoiled rotten kitties. They create mess after mess after mess. If I didn't have kitties, I would have about 80% less housework to do. But, since I cannot tolerate cat hair, it's daily sweeping, very frequent vacuuming. de-hairing the blankets, furniture, etc.... all the effing time. Tonka and Meisha are fat cats that are happy, playful and loving. Mason, who is 17 in a couple of weeks, has very quickly become quite ill and there is nothing that can be done for him. A few years ago, the vet told us that his kidneys were failing and with time, it would cause his demise. We put him on the kidney diet then and he's lived way longer than the vet indicated was normal for his troubles. But the end is near -- the poor baby has always weighed 13 pounds, he now weighs just over 8. He is nothing but bones, can eat about a tbsp of food at a time, sleeps for hours and wakes to eat another tablespoon. We feed him all day and all night, whenever he cries for food and it is often and around the clock. I am very grateful that I have such a wonderful husband that loves them as much as I do -- he gets up with Mason as much if not more than I and feeds him. I feel very sure that one day soon Mason will lay down to sleep and not wake again. I dread it but also want it to happen before we have to make that decision. He is not in pain yet but I can tell that he is often cold --- and it looks like his old skinny bones just might hurt, he will only lay in the softest of areas in the house, and I cover him most of the time. I love having pets --- both cats and dogs but I am so tired of losing them. I know it's a part of it, but the heartache gets worse as I age and I just can't take it anymore.

Enough. Time for pain meds, time for rest.

Peace. Out.

J.

Monday, January 09, 2017

Wow---

I was just reading back on several of my older posts ----

I used to write alot. I am ashamed of the way that I just let it go. However, there are circumstances that helped me to do that, I didn't just get up one day and think "I quit". But that is essentially how it turned out in the end. I hate that.

This month, is the FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of me NOT WORKING. I STILL HATE IT. I STILL DREAM OF THE DAY I CAN GO BACK TO WORK. I realize that each year that becomes a bit more unlikely, but still I pray and dream to do just that. Funny how this life of mine has turned out. Not really funny - actually pretty sad. I loved my work - I loved the place that I worked, I actually enjoyed doing the job. (Most of the time - I wasn't a nerd, there were days I would have gladly given it away, but I knew every second that I was complaining about it, I knew that I was blessed to have it, and that I loved it.) And while there certainly is no plan, no place - and absolutely no job, I still pray that I can have it all back again. Yes, I know I'm getting old - but I think I still have some good years left in me, if they can just get the damned pain in my upper back under control. That sounds so easy --- and the truth it, they know exactly how to do that --- once the fusion that has now been there for more than two years would just "take". All it is, is a matter of removing about nine screws. Again, that sounds so easy. My surgeon has been in there to do just that five times now. And five times I have been closed up - with various other screws removed, but the particular ones that I need taken out cannot be just yet, because my bones have not grown back together the way that they should have. I have been in this particular hell since October of 2014 --- when I had the first HUGE surgery that was supposed to fix me and allow me to get most, if not all of my life back. After a surgery that was more than 18 hours in length, and literally took out many, many of the discs in my spine, and put in TWO titanium rods the length of my entire back, along with 67 screws, after all of that particular hell ---  and omgosh, it was hell -- I woke up crying about the unbelievable pain in my upper shoulders. A place that I had never felt pain before. In the midst of all the stitches, the tubes, the hardware, and the horror of it all --- the thing that I could not tolerate was the pain in my shoulders. And I cannot tolerate it yet. It has not changed, other than to increase. It is unrelenting, it is sharp, it is dull, it is an electric-type pain like hitting your funny bone -- it is a  vice-like pain, like being squeezed every second of every day --- it is unbearable. And yet, I bear it. Somehow. With the help of several (but not nearly enough) pain medications. I cry, I carry on (inside), I suffer. I think about dying ---  but not about killing myself. I often think that it would be so much easier for me. But then I remember that my kids are not ready for that, just yet. So, I tell God one more time that I know it's not yet my time and to please, somehow -- help me to carry on this way.

At this time, we are waiting for April --- to see my surgeon again, and determine if things have improved, so he can try again. I am doing everything possible for that to happen. I am waiting on a Bone Growth Stimulator to arrive --- no, I don't have any idea what it really is, I only know that some have had luck with them. It's an electronic device that is hooked up to the area with electrodes for a certain period of time each day. I had never even heard of one until my last appointment with the doctor. Waiting now for insurance bs -- as usual. So, hopefully that will help. I have always been told by my doctors that smoking inhibits bones fusing, that goes way back ten years when I had neck surgery and that doctor told me that he wouldn't help me if I didn't quit. (I didn't quit back then and my neck fused just fine). I did quit this time, however. Finally --  after decades and decades of smoking, I am smoke free. It was a year in August. And hopefully, that will help my bones to grow back together. I will tell you sometime how I did manage to quit -- it was mostly due to an old blogging friend I used to have, Brenda at Soul Survivor. It was something she said to me a few years ago that worked.... but I don't think she is a friend anymore. I'm not sure of what I've done but apparently it was something. My memory these past few years has not been good for various reasons, another thing I will explain someday.

So, anyway --- my point is, my damned back SHOULD be growing together. I have just about had it, with pain, with this life, with all of it --- and it is time. Whatever lesson I should be learning, surely it is firmly in place and fully learned. IT IS TIME I'M FIXED.

Over and Out.

Hugs, y'all.

J.

Friday, January 06, 2017

It's happened again -

Another shooting. Another day of senseless killing. Another day of television programming live from the location where minutes and hours before, random people have died for no apparent reason,

I am of average intelligence -- maybe even slightly above -- and I don't understand.

What happens to people that they get out of bed one day, after generally having put considerable thought and planning into it, they drive to a certain location and they start shooting, killing as many people as possible in a short few minute? What gets into a person that this looks like a good idea? How can a human being bring about such violence, such ugliness, such vile thinking that actually hurting and killing a living thing can be done? Am I missing something?

I couldn't even hurt an animal - of any kind. I could, I suppose, if I or one of mine were in danger... but even then, I have wondered if I actually could. Now - a person, a person that I do not know that is an immediate threat to one of my kids or grand kids, I guess I could hurt them, or even kill them. I've often wondered why I have felt more compassion for animals than I have felt for humans - say on tv, in a crime story or something like that. I always cry when an animal is hurt - on any show, even on a stupid Disney movie, when you know darned well that the ending will be happy, I still cry when animals are hurt or killed. I never cry when a person is hurt or murdered on a tv show or movie -(what does that say about me?).

Luckily, I have never had to test my theory about hurting another that is trying to harm me or mine - or an animal that is wanting to do harm. I just hasn't happened. And so, we are always told we don't know how we would react. I'm sure there is truth in that. But I am not a violent person - even if I am hurt, I have no feelings of inflicting hurt on another, at least when it comes to emotional pain and hurt. I've never dealt with any kind of physical pain against myself - other than a spanking or two when I was very young. So, I guess I don't know how I would react.

So, I CANNOT understand why people do what has happened today at the airport in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. And countless other locations recently. I watch the news reports and cry - literally - for those who don't make it, but more do for the families of those who don't or those who lived through such horror and are forced to live with it afterwards. I am smart enough to know that often those that commit these horrendous crimes have had awful, painful, violent lives - and I suppose that kind of living situation can make the brain go haywire. But many, many people have had unbelievably horrible beginnings and they do not "get even" or react this way. So, I really don't get it. I do know that the older I get, the more these things hurt me. The more I can feel the pain of those who do have to endure these events. The more disturbed I am. And the more useless I feel in the face of it. Nothing can be done - nothing can help, there is nothing I can do.

I have always believed that the only hope in changing this changing world - the only hope in making the thinking of this collective world more loving, less "me" and more "us" - is God. And, raising children that know nothing but love, nothing but security, nothing but solid thinking, reasoning, and turning the other cheek. So, I have done that. And I am helping to do that with my Grand kids. Beyond that --- I am completely helpless.  A feeling that I hate, and find myself feeling more often each year.

So --- I'm doing the only thing I can think of. I'm praying for those involved. It feels so inconsequential.

I hope you all are having good days-

Back soon.  :)

J.

Monday, January 02, 2017

I HATE RESOLUTIONS

I hate RESOLUTIONS.

And so, here it is the second day of a brand new year. 2017. Holy crap, how can that even be? Time is no longer your friend after the age of 40, or so it has seemed in my world. Forty was so long ago I can't even see it. But enough about my age. I sound like my mother used to - like my grandmother used to --- Good hell,

So, as I was saying - I hate resolutions although I think many/most of us go through a mental list of things we'd like to change or at least see differently at the beginning of any new year. In that spirit, I will give you my 2017 NON-RESOLUTION.

I am going to write here, at least once a week, through out this new year.

Yeah -- so what do you think of that? A very, very tall order for someone like me. A very clear statement that will be super easy for anyone to see whether or not I have kept up with this promise. I may be able to -- I certainly want to. The reality though, is always the hard part. I am so often sick - I mean really, really unable to do anything. Physical pain has become my whole world. I want so much for that to be different, that I have begun forcing myself to do many things that I have been unable to do for the past years, and I have learned that it hasn't killed me. I am probably the strongest bitch you ever want to meet - even still, when I say forcing myself, omgosh I wish I could tell you what that entails. There just is no way to explain the sheer will it takes to just get up an DO when my pain is at it's usual level of 12.5 on a scale of one to ten. I honestly can make myself do many things but when my pain is that bad, being nice is never one of them. I also am not mean or nasty, I am just non-communicative. Ask me a question at that time and expect a grunt in reply. I can do many things but behave in a pleasant way at that time is not possible. So, making myself sit here at this desktop computer and write the honest truth in a manner that won't completely alienate every person that is wonderful enough to stop here and read could be asking for the impossible. But I intend to try,

Having said that, I need to clear up a few things. I honestly know I've been gone too long to expect the same wonderful readers that I used to have, I don even think the majority of those people still get on here and read anyone. If any of them still do, I am aware that they gave up on me a long time ago, and with good reason. I am also aware that to have readers, I also have to read the blogs of those that read me, and I am also promising to do my best at that, as well. I want so badly to have something that matters in my life again -- and yes, I know that writing a blog is not exactly rocket science or a life and death sort of issue, but it does matter to me. I have isolated myself in my pain. It has not been a conscious decision but it has happened, nonetheless. Also too, I want to try to be honest here. That, I have found, is really the hardest part about writing. Honesty is essential in life-even in something as small and inconsequential as this little blog. I sounds so easy to say, certainly very easy to type- HONESTY - but, oh-so-difficult to actually manage. There are things in my life that I have chosen not to say here, throughout all the years that I did write here. Many of them were small little unimportant details that really didn't matter, When they were added up though, I often felt like I was not just not being honest, but that maybe I was being DISHONEST, and there really is a difference. So, I will try. I also have to recognize that often my lack of honesty is purely because some things are not mine to tell. In those cases, I will choose to not to say those things.

Bear with me, my maybe one or two readers here - all of this will take some learning and re-learning. Also, some plain old sheer willpower and guts. A couple of things that I find I still have.

So, look for me. I will be here. I may not have pretty things to say - I may not have ANYTHING to say, but I will report just that.

Much love and big hugs --

J.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Just another day in October---



Okay,so its's been a couple of years since a post. No, I cannot blame it on Facebook, at least, not anymore. I deleted my account there more than a year ago. So --- I guess you could say I have no excuse - other than the fact that my life is spent in pain, every second of every day. I have had so many friends here but most of them have given up on me, with good reason, I understand. I just cannot live like a normal person anymore....even though I pray so hard each and every day to be able to do that. So far, no luck. Six back surgeries in the past two years and I am still in hell. Waiting for my shoulder area bones to fuse so that I can have yet another surgery. Sadly, I live my life trying to get to the next one, hoping that will be the one that works.

Otherwise, my life is good. I still have a husband - heaven knows why - and three kids that still like me. And I have SIX (6) Grandkids!!! SIX!!!!  And they are the reason that I haven't completely given up. They range in age from 7 to two weeks old. Five are boys -- LOL -- and one little girl that is about 18 months. If I am able to do anything, it is for them.

So, just a short update --- I just am not up to any more right now. Just saying that I am still breathing, if anyone is still looking. I understand if not --  after this long, who remembers?

If I have any readers, thank you. Have a great day --- big hugs.

Jamie