Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Wow

OMGosh, I can't believe that I wrote a (rotten) post today, after months and months of silence and SEVEN of my friends - my wonderful,wonderful friends have commented already.  I do believe that all of us miss our old writing days. Yes to all of you -- I'll do better at writing and reading what you all have to say. Thank you, you've made me cry. I love you all. Xo

It's been so long,

will anyone remember who I am?

I miss the old blogging days, the days before Facebook and Twitter. Those were the days when we blogged and made friends. We wrote long entries about our lives, our feelings, our families, our pets, our jobs and our friends. Now, we post a sentence or two, a photo or two, and the "friends" that we made while blogging have mostly gone by the wayside. We no longer have any idea what goes on in each others lives, really - we have little idea how our friends actually ARE. Many of us had issues with our health way back then, of course that generally leads to further issues and troubles, and we don't really even know how the others are doing. That is sad to me. I miss those days. I miss my friends. I miss my life, then.

I am increasingly worse. Each day, I have a bit more pain, a bit less mobility, and I am a bit shorter. I was 5'8" all of my life. I am now just under 5'2". I KNOW. It is very unusual for a person of my age to develop scoliosis, but that is what has happened. I lean to the left. I have a pregnant stomach because those six inches from the middle have to go somewhere, and that sway that used to shape my backside is now pushed forward. I think that is the thing I look forward to the most after the upcoming surgery - losing this damned stomach. I have been in mourning for what I used to be, and let me tell you (warn you, those of you that have always put yourselves down the way that I always did) it can be taken from you. You can lose it. It can get worse and then, you will find yourself praying for what you used to honestly hate ---. Please take it from me, we really should try to be the best that we can be, and then, we need to be proud of what we look like. To spend a life wishing we look different, maybe shorter or taller, fatter or thinner, whatever; it can be taken from you. I didn't know that. I had no earthly idea that I could wake up one morning with a stomach that appears to have a seven-month baby inside. I didn't know it was possible to look in the mirror and see your shoulders facing one direction, your middle facing another. Overnight, people. These things happened literally overnight. I have had spine problems for many years. The degree to which they have become is unfathomable. And so now --- I am facing a surgery that literally scares the you-know-what right out of me.
I thought it would take place in May but due to circumstances that are out of my control, it seems that it will be June at the earliest. I cannot get in to see my surgeon (and schedule the surgery) until the 10th of June. The later date is both a blessing and a curse. But my feelings are that it is all way out of my control anyway, whatever happens from now on is up to God. I have place myself on autopilot solely for survival. I have never been so afraid....  I have been through some very serious medical procedures and surgeries. You can't have spine problems and not have gone through some less than fun times. But this surgery that looms is a thousand times more than any of all of that, combined. I have a choice, I don't have to have it done. But what I am doing now is not living. And, I am getting worse. Eventually, there won't really be a choice. So, I see no point in waiting. If I can't really have a life, I'd rather not have one at all. I want to be able to do things again. Now, I spend 99% of my time waiting for the next pill to help the pain. I don't like how the drugs make me feel, I hate the whole process of getting them, I hate everything about all of it. Occasionally I have a day that I can actually function a little. But if I do too much, I pay for the next few days. No, none of what I go through now is worth it. I want my life back. I am not stupid enough to believe that I will be what I once was, but I do have a shot at getting some of it back. Like anything, there will be things that I will have to give up to get some of what I once was back, but the compromises will (hopefully) be worth it. I pray that I will be able to get out and walk again, for long distances, (like my surgeon said I would), and that I will be able to at least cut back drastically on the medications. Secretly, I am praying that I can go back to work. I miss my job and my professional life most of all. But it all remains to be seen. On one hand, waiting is hell. On the other, there isn't enough time left. Yes,I know I sound crazy. At some point, I will share the mechanics of what is to happen to me on that table. Right now, I think I have said enough about me.

I have lost so many of my old friends blog addresses. I am trying to find them all again, but many are gone, or have moved, or like me -- have been neglected for way too long. I was recently invited to write again by Wendy, one of the old, original blogging group, and I told her that I just wasn't physically able. For the most part, that is true. But I am going to try. Honestly --- I am.

If you stop by, please let me know you were here. And leave me your blog address so that I can find you all again. I really, really have missed you all.   Much love.

Friday, July 19, 2013

If the third time is so effing charming, am I to assume that one and two sucked you know what?

"THIS is why we don't have nice things."   This line is a joke around our house, thanks to daughter numero uno and company - a cute story from years back, and oh-so-fitting in my life. Why do I bring that up this Friday morning? Because for the second time in a week, one of the furry felines that reside here have broken a major thing of beauty in this apartment. If I own it and I really, really love it -- I can count on it being broken. I mean I can count on it.This morning, it was one of the living room lamps, a really, really heavy item, made of some kind of metal - the whole lighting part where the bulb goes is smashed to smithereens, and of course the bulb blew everywhere. The yellow kitty, the one we call TONKA (his name fits, am I right?), went flying through the underside of the end table, taking the cord attached to the lamp with him, and all hell broke loose from there. I am lucky this happened while Mark was still getting ready for work, it would have been impossible to clean that mess up alone. So, after nearly vacuuming the entire place, things have been put back to rights, minus one major lamp, of course. Last week, it was the last remaining Scentsy pot, broken in many pieces. It was not repairable. Fortunately, Mark will be able to fix the lamp that was broken this morning. The lampshade will never look the same, but if you look closely at any of the lampshades in this place, you will see that all of them have hit the floor at one time or another. The kitties are not the only guilty parties around here. I have a grandson that has bad luck when it comes to grandmas pretty things. He has been doing better recently, but for a while there, he was on quite a streak of bad luck. I have a bad memory so I cannot tell you what has been destroyed, I just remember being sad that I lost this thing or that. I do try to buy things that are different and unusual so replacing many of my things is impossible.I do remember losing a stand-tall on the floor sort of wood sculpture, loosely resembling a giraffe that I loved very much. I bought it at Pier One so it could have been replaced but it was no longer in stock, at the store or online. Brodie did the final damage to it, but Mark had already left his mark (pun intended) on it, when we were moving. (When Brodie broke something he was always so sorry and sad that I felt mostly bad for him, never mind what he broke) The funny thing about Mark is, he never, ever breaks anything that is his. He only breaks my stuff. That makes you think, doesn't it? Hmmm... So anyway, I lived my early adult life never having much because my kids were murder on stuff. Now, it's kitties, husband, and grand kids. Am I the only one who has this problem?

It's Friday again. Damn if they don't just keep coming around...

I am listening to Bruno Mars, Let It Rain. Love it, Love it.

The weather has been so ugly for the past couple of weeks. It is summer so I know that it is supposed to be hot, but the humidity has been unbearable, so I have not been getting out and about the way I want to. My own health troubles have not been very conducive anyway. I went through a couple of really good weeks, and I got used to it. Now, I am back to normal and I struggle to do anything. I am forcing myself to do some things, anyway. I take the garbage all the way to the chute, and that is quite a long walk. I am getting the mail now, I took the key from Mark. That is a long way, too. If I need to get to the car, that requires a long walk, as well. I have been out walking, several times. So, I am doing better. I have also shrunk another inch. I am now 5'3". I was and have always been 5'8", since I was thirteen years old.I can't help but wonder if all the walking and activity is making my spine worse. I would ask my docs, but they won't know, because they don't know how or why this is happening in the first place. I asked my neurologist if walking was okay, and he told me it was----so I keep doing it. I just don't know if it's helping or hurting. I do know that I am making NO headway in the weightloss area. I was doing great, then the lymphedema in my left leg and abdomen started up again, so hell--- who knows if I am helping myself or hurting? It is EXTREMELY disconcerting when I am killing myself to look better, only to wake one morning and be one size bigger and seven pounds heavier just overnight. I cannot tell what is real, what is water. I am on the edge of giving up altogether. I can wear cute jeans on one day, the next, I can't get them over my knees.That is a real and true WTF, people.

I have fallen a couple of times in the past week. That hasn't happened in a while, but it really blows. I am standing, then I am just --- not. Adults are not supposed to fall, you know? When we are kids, we fall all the time. We know it, we are used to it, our bones and bodies recover easily. As adults, it's just not that easy. I am afraid of falling in public. Especially when I am alone. OMGosh, I think I would just die of embarrassment, let alone of the actual pain. I am a bit leery of getting out by myself, for that reason. I already do enough to embarrass myself, Ugh. You know - when I read this stuff, this stuff I write, what goes through my head is what kind of dignity can I actually have left? Do you all wonder that, too? I mean, come ON. I am old. I am fat. I am shrinking, big time. I walk with a major lean to the left. I limp. And I worry about embarrassing myself? Do you think I could actually be any more embarrassed? Apparently so. Good hell.

So,this is enough random for today. Enough complaining, for sure. I hope you all have a great day. Listen to some Bruno Mars, and think of me. I'm outta here.  :)


Monday, June 24, 2013

My orbit

More than two months since I have been here. It's looking a little dusty and unloved, I apologize. Every time I am here, I promise better behavior. I won't do that this time, but know I am thinking it. It isn't like I don't have things I want to say, it's just difficult getting the thoughts converted to words. Never before have I had this problem, but recently, it can't be done easily. I have written several posts but upon editing, I realize that it is all wrong, not what I intended to say at all. I used to be okay with that, recently not so much. Do any of you (any fellow bloggers who haven't given up on me) have the problem of wanting to say one thing, and upon finishing writing, you realize that is not what it says at all? Perhaps it is the medications I have to take, but by now I don't think I can use that excuse anymore. Most of the meds are the same old same old and shouldn't be causing new issues.

Speaking of meds is speaking of my life. I do revolve around the little white pills. I rotate around them like the earth does the sun. I hate it, but it's required for me to live, and I expect it always will be this way. A few weeks ago, I saw my doc and told him the pain meds weren't working the way they used to. Suprisingly, he upped the dosage of the the major one. I was so pleased, he actually listened to me! (I must say here that I was having one of the worst flares of my entire life with these problems, and I could see shock on his face when he saw me walk around the office). My surprise stems from the fact that he is a General Practitioner and is really afraid to be the one prescribing, even though he agreed when my pain doc was put on suspension and eventually arrested, which is another story for another day. However, I couldn't handle the dosage. It was too much, it made me sick, it felt like it about killed me. I was happy to get back to my old amount, and funny how much it helped my pain! Since then,  I have been going through a really good phase - and I am praying it lasts for a long time. The reality is, it won't. Everything comes and goes on me, even the pain can get better. I am using this time to get started on getting back to ME. I am trying to hurry  because I know this is temporary, but my hope is that once I am used to doing it, I can push through the pain and continue. I will never be me until I can walk for an extended period of time, I am small like I have always been, until I can endure and push through it all.

Push through. The story of my life, in just two little words. Those that know me, know - that I will push through a brick wall to make my goal if necessary. I can't lose my "push through". Sometimes I misplace it temporarily, but I can never lose it.

This is a perfect day to stay in my jammies - it's dark and stormy out, I am in major pain, yes a great day for lazy. Even in this condition, I don't have too many lazy days. I work on what needs doing, although I must admit, it's really slow going. I get distracted easily, I move at a snails pace, I compensate for my pain, somehow. But today - I have decided I am taking a lazy day off.

Yesterday, I had a huge breakthrough. I have been outside walking for the past few weeks. (I got the okay from the doc, just in case you're getting ready to yell at me....   :)  and it has been really slow going. But yesterday - I was able to go for 25 minutes! It was raining, and oh-how-I-love- walking in the rain! It was so great, I just cried. I cried for the pain, but I cried because I felt like ME. Just for a very short time, I felt like me. I am trying not to think about how I look when I am doing it. I sort of shuffle, stumble, grunt right along. It feels like I am tearing something in my back with each step, the pain is so intense, but I try so hard to keep on. Yesterday, I could. Praise God.

I have so many things that need doing, and I get overwhelmed when I think of them. I always just know that somehow I will manage. Somehow. This day is for no worries, for happy laziness. So I will share those things with you all in the next posts.

I have a most awesome new grandson - my little Tate. He is beautiful, wonderful, awesome and perfect. Here are a few pics from recent events:
















There is also another grandson on the way - he will arrive in about 8 weeks. Excited? Oh yea!

Mark and I celebrated 17 years over the weekend. How can that even be? Impossible - yes. But good, very, very good.  :)

Later, Gaters. I'll be back. I'll always be back.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Another move.

We moved two weeks ago. I just finished unpacking the very last box, just now.

I hate moving. There was a time when I enjoyed putting the new place together, but not anymore. Somehow, this place turned out way better than I expected or put the effort into. I just got lucky. However, there is not one square inch of unused space in the cabinets, the closets, the cupboards, or any other C word that means "stuff your shit in here". This will be a subject for a future blog post, a real rant and tantrum I am working up to.  :)

The physical effort nearly killed me, the pain is up near 13 1/2 on a scale of 1 - 10.I have used more drugs than I am supposed to, so that always leaves me short at the end of the 30 day supply. Either way I suffer, sometimes it's just worth it to do it this way. Ideally, my pain meds would work out just right, the way they are prescribed and are supposed to. But sometimes my pain is so bad, so intense, that suicide sounds like a good idea. I try to steer away from that kind of intensity.

This move was a good idea. Mark and I have not been happy the past year and a half, the last move that I insisted on was the bad idea. So, we are back where we were in 2008. The same building, two floors up, almost the same apartment.This is the place that everyone thought was such high class, such high dollar rent. Yes, it is. But it is still less that the last place, and there - in the suburbs, there was no shopping on the grounds, no restaurants, no bars. Here, at least I can watch other people have fun. There is real life outside my four walls, even if there is no life inside them.

And so that is all. My carpel tunnel left hand is completely numb now, and my carpel tunnel right hand is not as bad but still acting up. I shall "talk" to you all later.

Happy Weekend.  :)  Love and hugs.

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Remember me?

I've been away for so long, you all probably don't remember who I am. If you do have a fragment or sliver of a memory of me,  then I will have to tell you that I am not the person you all know anymore. Changing has not been what I wanted, it has been completely out of my control. I don't look the same, I don't think the same way, and I surely don't FEEL like I used to. I have turned into a person I don't know, feeling things that are totally new, wondering where the person I used to has gone.It's funny - I think most of us are often not impressed with the person they are, always wanting more... I know I didn't appreciate who I was, always thinking that I could do better, be better, certainly look better. I took so many things for granted...and we never know that until we have lost it.

The most upsetting (horrifying) thing for me has been the physical changes. The parts the whole world can see. I know that this sounds really superficial, but really it isn't. Most of us define who we are by what we do, how we look, and the feelings that we have for ourselves and for others. Well now physically for me --- I look awful. Seriously. I see someone else in my mirror, actually asking the one staring back at me to bring back the old version. I tell him ( my mirror is a man) that I can't continue this physical downward spiral... he never reply's but sometimes I wonder if he laughs at me. :)  Heaven knows I would laugh at me, too.

I am now good at doing nothing. There is nothing left to define myself by what I do, since I literally do nothing. If anyone counts reading, or staring into space a definitive career or even a quality, then I will be at the top of my game. I miss my job. I miss leaving each morning and being so happy to return at night.  I spent so many  years being irritated that I had to interact and talk to others. I have always been a loner, wanting to be left alone in so many situations. So now, I have my wish. I want to publicly state for the record that being alone blows. Yes, I have a husband, he leaves early each morning and returns late in the evenings.  I thank God for him each day. I feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with this new me on a regular basis.Yes, I have grown kids but the truth is, it's hard for me to even let them see me. I cannot avoid it all the time, and I know it's wrong to feel this way, but I am actually ashamed of myself and I don't want them to know that, either. I am well aware that none of the changes in me are my fault, and there is nothing I can do about it. That doesn't make it any better for me, certainly I would work hard to get back to the old me if there was even a tiny chance. I can barely walk, I limp and hobble and I am bent over to the left side, sometimes nearly in half. I have gained so many pounds, due to medications and lymphedema and pop tarts. Doctors tell me it's no big deal, it's not my fault, but those that know me well know that I'd rather be dead than fat. I don't even look normally fat, it's all in the middle, showing up there overnight. Literally. You've no idea what it's like to go to bed a small, normal size and wake up looking seven and half months pregnant.

Surgeries are in my future. My spine has moved (?) three inches to the right, which is impossible,and oh so painful, just ask any doctor. The only cure for that is extensive surgery. Screws and plates and cages are involved. I don't know when yet and I don't know how, but I do know that I am not going to walk bent to the left forever. No - spines don't move. Unless you have had a spinal stimulator put in your body with (leads) wrapped all around  your spinal column. That is my theory, not the doctors. But spines don't just move for no reason. You know I did all the research on this damned stimulator before I had it put in. I didn't want in the first place but my doc was sure it would help the pain. It did help for quite a while, until I developed lympedema, and then I couldn't take it, not when my left leg swelled up to the size of a hundred year oak tree. The doc did say that the leads were causing the swelling problem, people don't just develop lymphedema. Those that are fighting cancer can get it, but it is a secondary problem. I have it as a main problem. It causes giant swelling in my leg and abdomen. So there is the reason that I look like I am having a baby. Just for the record, I want to say this never happens. You don't just develop this problem. Of course, there is no cure. Just a series of compression garments and manual stimulation to release the water. No thank you. There is one certified physical therapist that can do that here, she is part of the cancer center downtown. I have resisted this treatment so far, it just sounds too far out to even imagine. Obviously, I went to the one remaining doc at my old pain clinic and we discussed having the stimulator removed. Makes sense, right? Sure he will take the little box in my lower hip out. But the leads --- the things causing my problems? No, they stay in forever. They wrap themselves all around the spinal cord and trying to take them out is way too risky. Dangerous, even. In all my research, no one ever once mentioned that. I asked about having it removed if it didn't work the way they said, they told me sure it can be taken out. But not the wires. They neglected to ever say that. And I was too stupid to ask.

Enough for now. I know this is awful to read, and I certainly understand if you can't make it through. I just wanted you all to know why I am not around. I am sad, I am sick and I am fed up.

I do think about all of you and plan to one day get back here like normal. I love and miss you, my friends.  :)

Friday, February 08, 2013

Again --- a Friday!

They just keep right on rolling along, don't they? The days of the week I mean, particularly Friday's. I blink - it's Monday, blink again, there is Friday staring me right in the face, one more time. I must say that it beats the alternative all to hell, but occasionally, I would like to see time slow down. I know that's not going to happen, but I often wish it would.

So, what's happening here, in my world?  More doctors, more worries, more pain, more concern. New issues seem to be cropping up lately, none of them good. My spine has moved. Seriously -- it's almost three inches to the right, no where near the middle. No, I do not have scoliosis, I never have. I have always had a perfectly straight spine, right up the middle of my back, right where it belongs. The current condition of it is baffling my doctors, as usual, because nothing I have to deal with medically is normal. So, I have more tests and ex-rays and bullshit coming up on the 20th. To say I am sick of this crap is hardly descriptive enough. I am nearing a meltdown. Every effing time I see a doc, there is a new problem, Every time. This new spine issue leaves me wondering so many things, but mostly I want to know, how in the hell can that happen? Doesn't something have to be broken or some damned thing for that to happen? Gah. Blenheim. Ugh.

Enough. Enough of that.

My lovely daughter had a birthday yesterday. We were at her place last evening, it was great to see my little fella's. They are so much fun to be with. The things that come out of their mouths always, ALWAYS make me laugh. They so obviously have fun --- and when Pa Pa comes to visit, well he's almost as good as Santa Claus.  :)

Today, I must really try to get a few things accomplished. I can tell my week has been very hard on me, this place of mine is quite the sty. My kitchen is a mess with dishes literally sitting on the counters, laundry piled pretty high in that little room. Kitty litter...oh my the kitty litter. One thing I cannot do is run the vacuum so that part must be handled by Mark this weekend. Oh the joy --- I get to clean if I can remain upright!

Even though I covered this in a comment on my last post, I want to say thank you ever so much to you all that read here. I have the very best friends. You try so hard to lift me up -- and that's no minor task in these days of fatty mcbutterpants. You seem to understand my whining and crying and I love you so much for that.

Please have the best Friday ever.  I'm out.  :)

Friday, January 25, 2013

Friday .

When I was a working woman, I loved Friday's SO much. They always meant so much to me, a long, hard week nearly over, many things accomplished so I could take it a little easy on Friday. Usually had lunch brought in from somewhere on Friday's and that was special, too. The other days I ate something brought from home, usually canned soup. Friday meant that I could dress more casually than the other days, not that I dressed up every day by any means. But I would wear my t-shirts with the company logo, or the polo shirts that were provided. And jeans... definitely jeans. I miss the feeling of Friday alot. Yes, I know that every day should or could feel like Friday now, but they don't. I miss working so much, more than I can explain. I miss being a part of something, I miss the people that I worked with, I miss the car business --- it is such a fun business. Never a dull moment, always something strange or funny happening.  :)

But today is Friday in my new world. Usually Mark brings something home for dinner -- so that is my new perk for Friday. Yea --- I made it through another week of nothing. Of hurting. Of pain. Yea!!!

I'm out.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Stuff.

A quiet weekend, but good. Dinner with my kiddos and spouses, fiance's, children. Too late for the boys to eat, so a bit of chaos at the restaurant. The usual. It was fun, if noisy. I hadn't been out of the house for quite some time so just being out was good. I just am no good with the cold. This past weekend and the coming week will be wind chills of below zero so I believe I will be in, for sure.

Tomorrow is a lumbar puncture. Spinal tap if you want to use the horror movie title. Either way, I don't like it. I had one many years ago, nothing if not traumatic. One slip of the plastic needle that is miles long, and well -- there I go.I'm sure it will be fine, I just hate it. I hate any of the "procedures" that I am subject to lately. Like I told my herd of doctors, I don't care what you call it, what label you use. I am so far past that ---- but according to my neurologist, if a new and different label can be used then new and different medications can be used. Uh-huh. New meds are just what I what I want.

I say the hell with all of that, let's talk about something better. Something exciting. The problem is, there is nothing exciting happening in my life. Unless of course you count that my daughter is having another baby in May. Which most of you already knew. And then we could count that my youngest son Jordan got engaged on Christmas. That is super exciting, too. And then Jordan, again my baby -- found out that he and Tegan, his beautiful fiance', are having a baby in August! My baby is having a baby! the talk sure turned quickly from weddings to babies. I'm not sure when the wedding will be now but I couldn't be happier. Next Christmas, there will be two more babies playing under the tree! Omgosh, time passes so fast. Those babies will be here before you know it. I so can't wait to hold them and kiss them.

So that's my exciting news. I pray that everything is fine, easy and wonderful with both moms and babies.

That is all and I am out. Happy days to all of you.  :)

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Asleep at the wheel

It's Tuesday,  I generally like Tuesdays. Today - I'm not so sure. I have an appointment with physical therapy today --- at the Lymphadema clinic. I am so not excited to go, apparently their method of "fixing" my leg involves manual compression, among other things.The compression or the "other things" do not sound even slightly interesting.Also, apparently this therapy will be billed against my regular health insurance, and since this is the new year, I have to meet $2000 before I get any sort of help.Because  I already owe thousands in medical bills, I am not sure I can go at all. I will fin out about it today, but i am sufe is sjj  99899999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 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888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 8888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888999999999998                            And so, once again, I fell asleep at the keyboard, This is what happens every time I try to write a post. Bleh.  Have a very happy day.