Saturday, February 16, 2008

Tell it like it is..I'm nothing to play with..

Well, it's three am, on what now is a Saturday morning, do you know where your kids are?

I don't. I frankly don't know where any of my three are, and since they are all-growed-up, that should be okay, shouldn't it? The son that lives in Des Moines, I assume is home now, since I'm sure he has to work in a few hours. The son in Pella, I feel certain is at home, sleeping. The daughter however, the one that has been living here with me, is in an unknown location. And that really should be okay, good heavens, she is 28 years old. But under the current circumstances, it isn't. She went out tonight, and I thought that was a good idea, but I worried because I felt sure that the @%&$ that she has recently broken up with would be around, somewhere. She was worried about it also, because in her present mental state, any crap from him would surely put her over the edge. I told her she couldn't let the idea of him keep her from doing any damned thing she wanted to do, but told her to be careful and let me KNOW what was going on, how she felt about things, what was up. So, do you think I KNOW where she is right now? Well of course not...why should I, I am only the mom who has to pick up the pieces every damned time....oops sorry, that sounded a little on the ugly side, didn't it?

Okay so's Saturday morning, although most folks would still call it Friday night. I am now up for the day when almost any other Saturday, this is when I would be getting home myself. But last evening, no way was I going out anywhere. I had just endured one rough day at work - one of the busiest, craziest days in recent memory. I literally ran from one end of that building to another, all day long. No service manager in the service department, no parts manager in the parts department, employees up front in the offices out for various reasons, pissy customers, grumbling employees, an owner that is just back from Florida, standing there with his Florida sunburn, looking rather shell shocked at all the confusion, and of course, adding to it. One freakin' strange problem or another, odd phone calls...a wonderful, wonderful husband trying to take over and learn the job in the parts and service department, which is terrific of him by the way, but of course, no one can learn it in an afternoon, and although he is a very fast learner, it was one page for me over the intercom after another...or a buzz from the service phone to my office, repeatedly. I finally sat down to do my own work at five, and of course, the state withholding tax that was due yesterday, was considered late because I didn't log on to the website until that hour. Oh well - what the hell - what's another eighty dollars among friends?

So, when we got home, all I wanted was a beer and a bed, and of course, dinner. I think I managed to stay awake until nine, and here I am.

Janelle just called, she ran into a friend from high school and went to his house - and is lost out in the country on the gravel roads...thank God for google, I managed to direct her home with a cross street address and a computer. And you all wonder why I drink...

Thursday night, in an oddly quiet hour at the garage, I stood in the darkened shop, smoking and looking out the window...the same window I have been looking out of for the past 11 years. In my mind, I could see all the past years of doing just that, and of course, all the memories in between. When I went to work there, Mark and I were newlyweds. My sons were still young - 13 and 11 - and Janelle was in high school. So much of their lives and my own revloved around that place. Both boys worked there, their first jobs...I planned an wedding for Janelle while there, and then helped though a divorce. I have cried there, I have laughed there, I have had the best times of my life while there. I have also gone through the worst things I have ever been through while there. I have cried to the owner, I have cried among my friends there. I have shared in the happiest times of all of their lives while there, and shared my own happiness with them...I have watched people that mattered to me come and go. I have made people that mattered to me leave. I have hired the funniest people ever, and fired them later. I have made the very best friend I have ever had-the owner, in a strange and funny kind of way, while there. I have helped him with his life, and he has helped me with mine. I have bitched to him, at him...and everything in between. I have acted like a raging lunatic a time or two, with him. He has loved me anyway. I have done more for him than any employee ever should do for a job, for years. I love him, and he feels the same. I cannot imagine my life without him or that place. So, while standing there with all of it running through my mind, I cried. Change is hard. I need it, I realize, but this one will be hard to let go of. And please don't misunderstand the love I feel for him, it honestly is like a brother, that kind of love. Mark has been involved in so much of it too - and he understands exactly how i feel. There have been different business ventures with the owner and I, and I have learned so much from him, and for him. I ran a race track for two years, I have run an ice cream store for the past four, and I still have managed to run the dealership. Owner will be 60 this year, he is tired, and me-at 48 next month, I'm tired too. I'm ready for my life to slow down some, maybe just be involved in one business at a time, but it's hard to imagine my life, the way it's going to be soon. And the thought makes me cry..

Well that's probably enough about nothing - this post has been all over the place. Daughter is now home and in bed. Where I should be, but that won't be happening now. It's hard to turn off the mind sometimes, you know? Have a good Saturday. Later.


Anonymous said...

Glad you found your daughter....! Just popping in...

Brad said...

Morning Love, you sound about as ready for change as I ever do. It always has to take me kicking and screaming, even when I know it's for the best. You remind me of my own Mom - we never really grow all the way up while we still have a Mom, and that's a good thing. We all still need our Mommies. I had to laugh on Thurday night when my Mom brought me some new towels and a bottle of bleach because she didn't feel mine towels were getting clean enough. I'll be 45 in a few weeks. No matter, she's still Mom.

Take it easy on yourself love !

Foster Communications said...

Google pretty much rocks doesn't it?
Have a great weekend! And get some sleep!!

SOUL: said...

you really do your best writing at odd hours. maybe a lot of us do.

i know you worry about J-- but ya know-- she really is lucky to have you for a mom. all your kids are.

i spose at two thirty in the morning you don't feel so lucky-- but you could look at it as if they coulda had say--- MY mom. :))

anyways. yep-- rough time , that cigarette at the window eh? sorry. i really do know ---- ok , i don't know--- i do understand those feelings... and so many memories flooding down on you, as something like that comes to a close. it's tough. and even though some of these people may stay a part of your life-- or even your heart... it is still a rough transition.

and ya know what-- i have a hubby leaving and talking so i cannot think anymore-

have a better day today


I understand why you drink. I understand how hard it is to be a parent. I don't understand-yet- what it's like to have grown children, but I hope that like you do, I'll still beable to be there for them, and pick up the pieces like you always do, which is a wonderful trait!

As far as the dealership, I know what you mean, for not as many years, but I know what you mean. I have been there in similar shoes, running one, learning from the same person that first taught me how to run a restaurant, and then a dealership, to have to leave such a big piece with someone that has been a brother, or at times maybe a father to you, has got to be hard.
Change is hard. Funny, I just wrote about that today, only over something much more minor.

I will say that I am happy to see Janelle going out. Good for everyone involved!!

Bless yourself on being a terrific parent, you most certainly are involved and compassionate!!
Happy Saturday!
Have a beer for breakfast and then go take a nap if you can. We're all supposed to get another damn storm, so go stock up on some beer and I'll have one with you tonight! :)


Amanda said...

I wouldn't have really understood this post 8 years ago but I do now. I really do. Feel for you more than I can say.


Therapist Mumbles said...

I have two kids, grown and each doing well. Both now live about five miles away, in different directions. One is even back from California. Each has a good job and is in a good relationship (one is actually married).
Still, like my mother did, I would like to call each one for 30 seconds ever night, just to know everything is OK.

Mary said...

The joys of motherhood - the trauma of life. You are a strong lady, Jamie. I understand about worrying about your children and the sadness when you see a chapter in your life coming to an end. The future is clouded and unclear. Sadness feels like a lead blanket. Not an easy place to be but your friends here in blogland will offer understanding, support, and love.

Maria said...

There is a reason that they call that time of the night "the dark night of the soul."

And, yes, leaving a job that you loved is hard. The people you work with are sort of like your family, aren't they? I think that some of my co-workers over the years knew me better than my sisters did....

Golden To Silver Val said...

Oh boy do I ever know what you mean. You get so worried about your kids that you actually get physically ill...then when they FINALLY remember to give you a call you become instantly pissed that they were so inconsiderate. It happens to us all, that's for sure. I know that you're feeling nostalgic about your work becomes a very real, very deep part of who you are. I retired from a place that I'd been at for 25 years, but I was ready. Too much stress. This may the beginning of a new adventure for you...hike up the bra straps and take a deep breath. Big hugs to you. Glad J is doing so much better.

ac said...

No matter how old my D gets I still worry about her like I did when she was little. Lord help me, I don't think that will ever change. ha!

Your job seems to have given you a real sense of purpose. I hope the next phase in your life will be equally as fulfilling.

Kelly Jene said...

I'm glad Janelle made it home safe. I am dreading the day when I have to worry like that. Ugh. Can't they stay little?

I hope you are able to relax this weekend somewhat pain free. Hugs.

Portia said...

I don't mind change myself, but it is hard to say good bye. I'm glad you heard from Janelle while writing:) I hope you sleep better tonight.

Cheryl said...

I hope you're asleep now. All the worries put to bed, my friend.

Gypsy said...

This was a brilliant post Jamie and I do apologise for being so late. I have been sick all weekend and haven't had many looksees at the computer.

You wrote this so well that I could envision you the whole time especially when you were looking out of the window at work just was very poignant.

You know which part did make me feel really uplifted? When you said you were running from one end of the building to the other. Running.....just a couple of months ago you were in a chair!!! That is freaking amazing and that's what I will take away from this post.

Btw I'm 48 on 4th March. When is your birthday? Wouldn't it be funny if we were born on the same day?