Walking away

And so, another new year upon us. They stack up on me these days, fly by way faster than I care for, little time for reflection, little time for enjoyment, just plug right along day after day, day after day, then BAM - here we are, another new year in my face.

The truth is, as rough as I can be, New Years Eve and New Years Day always makes me sad. Auld Lang Syne always, ALWAYS reduces me to tears. Last night, no exception. I was awake, I was out of the house, I was kissing my husband at midnight. Inside, I was crying, happy and grateful for the past year, fearful and nervous for the next one.

Because the truth is, I have taken the plunge. I have applied for (private insurance) disability, and will not be working, at least not the way I have been for the past thousand years. 2012 will be a new chapter and way of living. I know no other way, work until I fall down, literally. Work until there is little if anything left to give, nothing left to work with. Necessary for survival for myself and my family. It still is, that hasn't changed. Many more people than should depend on me for many things, financially. But I have no more left in me. I am hurting myself further, I am taking risks with my own life and more importantly, the lives of others, driving to and from each day. All of this has weighed heavily on me for months now. That fact alone, makes me sicker each day. Knowing that I am doing less than a stellar job in life, in every damned department I cover - personal and business, I am failing. I can't live with failure. I can't live knowing that I am taking from my employer more than I am giving. So, I took the plunge. The details I will keep to myself for the time being, but suffice it to say, once I have the end of year accomplished, I am done. Perhaps consulting, certainly training, but no schedules, no time clock, no expectations. Normal people would like that. Me, being the twisted woman that I am, finds this utterly terrifying. No exaggeration....terror describes the feeling. I feel that I am following my destiny, that is not in question. Even though I am now and always have been aware that I really don't pilot this vessel of my life, the illusion has always been that I do. To physically, literally walk away from the controls induces panic attacks in this old gal, and panic attacks are not my forte'.

If you pray, will you please throw one out there for me? Obviously to prevent any further issues health-wise, but also that I can let go gracefully, that I can focus what I have left in the right place, that I can take the best care of me so that there can be joy. Physically, I won't bore you all, but you must know that I wouldn't be changing every little thing in my life if the situation were not dire. No, nothing new. Just bigger, worser, more in my face, every damned day. Also, many things need to fall in place financially, for this all to work. The stress of that - the stress of worrying that things will not work out is difficult, and it will be some time before I can breathe in that area. Once again, something that is not in my control.

Happy New Year, my good friends. Thank you all for being there for me, thank you for caring.

Love and Hugs.

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing

Are those not the cutest, sweetest, most adorable faces on this earth? No need to answer....I already know. And I am sure that you all agree, unless of course you are a grandma yourself, then you would think these are the second most awesome faces, ever.

A new month. I like October---I love the weather, the smells, the fact that my youngest was born on the 11th of this month. I just like this time of year. Having said that though, I do realize that last year on the 6th of October, we had our first snow, and I don't believe we saw the ground again until April, so I am hoping for a much more traditional month this year.

Things- "they are a changin". I have some things to handle that I am not looking forward to, in my personal life, but I will get them done this week. I am now strong enough, both physically and emotionally to take care of it, but I am not looking forward to it. Yes, I will explain at a later time.

The rest of my life is good. I am happy. I do not count the physical problems in that statement. I have given up on that ever getting better, and I don't count the physical in my general state of mind any longer. I saw one of the various doc's this week and in general, the outcome was fine. The big picture however, is rather bleak. I am excited though, I have a prescription written for a physical therapy trainer, that will help me strengthen the rest of my body, the parts that need help so badly, that I have been afraid to work on, given the mess that my lower back and neck are in. Apparently this woman is trained in this sort of thing and she will be able to help me use all of the beautiful machines and equipment at my gym that I only look at now as I walk/run the circle track there. I get to utilize her knowledge up to five times, paid for by insurance, so YEAH! And....I have lost thirty pounds since I had seen this doctor in March! I am so very excited by that. A goal, one that I set for myself, and one that has been reached!

I will fill this day with a long visit to the gym, a little (more) housework, some time catching up on recorded but not yet watched tv, and maybe some time to read. Happy Sunday to you all, I'm off.

Just shoot me

So many things that I really shouldn't discuss here. SO MANY. No one ever said I shouldn't but it's hard to air all the laundry in public, you know?

Dammit. Who cares?

The person that shall remain nameless at work is on my last nerve, no---not the one you might think. A written warning is in order, and then she will be out of there. Too many absences, too much drama. They already think I am a bitch, so why not?

A year ago right now, I was in Las Vegas with all of my family. It was the last hurrah for my marriage, and to think now that I have been living/feeling this way since then makes me sad. I am missing a person that was there with us, even though I hear from her occasionally. She is no longer a part of the twosome equation with my youngest, and I miss her. I can see that he is now happier, that the girl he is with now makes him happy, and of course, that makes me happy, too. But that does not mean that I don't look back at the earlier relationship with sadness. I have never been very good at letting go, and I am struggling with it now. Yes, I know how stupid that sounds...I mean, it was his relationship. I am trying to find that middle ground with her---and I think maybe I can. We never discuss him, of course, it's against the rules. And I honestly do like his new girl, I am getting to know her, she seems to honestly care about him, and she is a little cutie. Ahhh...like I don't have enough of my own problems.

My oldest son has gotten himself in a bit of a financial situation, involving a very expensive speeding ticket. Great.... My daughter is having a hell of time with her life, and there is nothing I can do. She only tells me enough to make me worry, and their money issues are overwhelming.

And a very happy Friday to you all, too!