Yep, I said WEENIE

What a weekend it was. I worked really really hard - on Sunday, and I was terribly lazy on Saturday. I had the best of both worlds. I actually went back to the gym - yeah me - and found it was not as easy as it was a few weeks ago. So, getting back there was definitely in order.

I went to my class on Saturday. I was shocked and surprised how crowded it was. I looked around the room, and there was, of course, a men to women ratio of about ten to one. The other women that were there were obviously with their husbands, or boyfriends. Most were young, there was maybe one other woman there about my age, and she was with her man. That didn't deter me in the least. I waited for the learning to begin...and that did stop me. The man teaching the class was extremely intelligent on the subject of guns and all that goes with it. He was quite eloquent in his delivery, if you can consider a regular guy in jeans and boots and NRA type t-shirt to be eloquent. He was funny, and engaging and very direct and to the point. He made it clear what good reasons are to be in that class. He listed off all of the reasons that anyone would want to be licensed to conceal and carry a weapon----anyplace, anytime. He listed the reasons that anyone would NOT want to do it. He hit home with me on many, many points---but on the reasons why I wouldn't want to. And so, I made my decision, that I was not a good candidate to do it. I left after the first half of the class. I felt very sure that I had made the right decision. To be honest, I do not want the responsibility of having a weapon on me, in my vehicle, in my home. In many ways, carrying a gun around is inviting trouble. And certainly, there are many, many new things to think about and worry about, once a gun is in your possession. At this time in my life, I am trying to get rid of things that require worry, things that require new responsibility, things that require more of me, involved. So, I felt I had made the right choice for me, and I crossed that whole subject off of my bucket list. Learning was the whole point of that class, I certainly learned. Enough said.

I have a doctor's appointment first thing this morning, downtown. Bleh. I hate driving down there on a Monday morning, what was I thinking when I made that appointment? No real reason to go, other than to explain why I cannot take either of the new meds he prescribed the last time I saw him. I always love delivering that news to a new doc---they think they are so helping me, when the truth is, I can usually actually use about two percent of the meds they try. I am a drug weenie, and always have issues with whatever they try. If I didn't have to work and use my brain every day of my life, I probably would be way more successful with it. There is a reason why someone with my issues is on disability - thinking is usually out with the medications that help. Since that is not a possibility for me, I just struggle along with the tried and true.

And enough bore for you all this morning. My life has such excitement daily----.

Oh but I did actually cook yesterday - I KNOW! Real food, and it was quite good. Here is what I threw together on the spur of the moment --- Okay, so the pic is at the top, and good old blogger won't let me move it. But hey - proof that I used to know what I was doing in the kitchen!

Have a very happy Monday - I'm gone. :)

Birthdays and Brodie and Doctors

February 25, 2010. My little sis turns forty today. Good heavens, she is FORTY. How is that even possible? When we were little she was the biggest pain in my neck...huge. We are ten years apart----and when I was fourteen and she was four..ugh. Little shit, always in my stuff. Always in my way. Always creating an uproar. And yet, even then, she was the light of my life. Still is. Happy Birthday, little sis. :)

This week has flown by, it's already Thursday, and we all know that I am a Thursday hater. But I will survive. I am hobbling along, this morning and all week, but I am upright. I saw a neurological chiropractor yesterday. I am not sure what to think of him or his ideas, but let's face it, what I have tried before hasn't worked, so I am trying to keep an open mind. He did very little yesterday, wanting to study my records, mri's, etc. I see him again on Monday. I liked him, a lot. Time will tell.

I'll leave you with a couple of pics of the newest light of my life. Have a happy day. :) okay...so I will begin with the pics, blogger won't let me move them.

I am not too smart

I am still employed. That is a good thing, whether I like the job or not. Last week was quite a blood bath in the car business, and I have to say it's not over yet. The rest is up to someone way smarter than me, but still --- I am not a stupid person, and I have to repeat, I don't understand how the current plan is going to make anything any better. After today's news that the Prez is changing all new cars made in the US by the year 2016 (?) to much higher gasoline mileage and better emissions...leaves me wondering how this country's manufacturer's will survive. Why not change the entire design for new cars in the middle of absolute chaos and bankruptcy in that business? What about the HUGE fact that Americans don't want little tiny cars? What about the idea that they will cost between thirteen hundred and seven thousand dollars more to buy? What about..what about..what about? Like I said, I am not that smart, apparently.

Tomorrow, I see the doc. In fact, I see two docs. I need help, so I hope that I learn something useful. I can't say I am looking forward to it, however.

Happy Tuesday. :)

It had to be you...

This time change is really kicking my ass. Well, that and all the issues going on around me, as I was up for many hours with stomach pain last night.

So...Janelle is home and I'm happy to have her. She is not all that happy to be back in this ice ridden state, and is preparing to go back to NC in a few weeks. She has alot to accomplish first, and it's going to take real work to get back there. I understand how she feels and support what she wants to do. She looks like my old daughter once again, and that certainly is a plus. The time away accomplished what she needed it to.

Early yesterday morning, my plans changed and I ended up going to the city to be with my mom during her surgery. Once again, she was sent home without it, as they generally felt her health was too poor. I took that as a sign that she is NOT supposed to have this damned thing done at this time. I have had really bad feelings about it in the first place, in fact, no one felt good about her having it done right now. I certainly want her back to be fixed so that she can live a little, but she is not doing well at all right now, and I was quite happy that they were not willing to take the risk. I want her out of pain, but I want to keep her around a while longer, too.

Work is an awful and upsetting mess. I was only there from eight until eleven yesterday before I left for the hospital, but that was long enough for me to know that I cannot keep this up for much longer. My only concern is trying to teach my job to the girl that is taking over, and I am not sure how much I will be able to accomplish before I have to leave. I have not had ulcer pain like I have now for years. I wish I could just let it all roll off of me, but this is apparently too near and dear to my heart to not feel it all. I'll keep trying.

It is supposed to be almost warm today---in the 50's! The ice and snow are just about gone, maybe in another day or two. I am so ready for spring this year, I can't even tell you. I don't remember a winter like this one, ever. Good riddance, I say.

I hope you all have a great Tuesday. I will catch you all later.

You are my wife, GOODBYE city life...

At the risk of repeating myself again and again, I think all of my friends here need to know one more time just how wonderful I think you are. Amazing - that word fits well. It wouldn't matter what I whined about or why, each of you would come through for me, and for that I am so very grateful. You all have the best advice, understanding and biggest hearts of any people I have ever known. Just sayin'. :)

Yesterday turned out to be quite a day - it seems that all of us saw doctors of some kind.. My oldest son had his antidepressant doubled, and then his doctor wants to see him again in two weeks. Janelle did see a counselor, a woman that specializes in this sort of issue, and seems to think that she will be able to help her. She also had some changes to medication, and I can only hope that all of this helps her, and quickly. It was an extrememly stressful day for me, I found myself unable to relax with so much to worry about. In the end though, we all survived.

I wish I could say that the experience I had at my appointment went better. I saw the neurosurgeon that just did the surgery on me, and I know I have said here many times what a jackass he truly is. He didn't let me down this time either, his jackass-ness showed right through. My neck is healing fine. That is all I know. Any other questions I had, and I had many, were completely ignored as though he were deaf. Which is how he has handled any question I have had over the past few visits. It doesn't make him look good to think that I am not doing well, and all he cares about is his image, and how wonderful he is at neurosurgery. I was not surprised at all, although I had hopes of a few of my problems being addressed. No matter - I won't be going back. He did tell me that he wants me to have physical therapy, and I will, that may help, actually. Then he said he wanted to see me again in a month - and I told him I wouldn't be back. I'm sure he didn't hear that either, but his staff did, and they had left a message on my phone by the time I got home. I erased it, and I will earase their number from my phone. I will see my neurologist for my problems, and actually, that is the doctor that I need to see for these things, I was just hoping that since I was already there...But the facts are these: I already know from my neurologist before my surgery and from a ton of reading on the internet, that only about 40% of the people that have had the same surgery I had for the same problem which is myelopathy, actually improve. I knew that going in. I just had hoped that because I started out doing so well that maybe I was one of the lucky ones. Now I am not so sure...as the reading once again has told me that it often happens this way. The spinal cord really is a mystery to the medical profession, and they cannot predict what will happen when it comes to injury and healing. I also know that just because I may occasionally have trouble, that does not mean that I will always have problems, and of course, I am hoping that is the case. Right now, the only thing bothering me continually is my eyes, and seeing really is a problem. I plan to have the physical therapy for the pain I have and hopefully it will help with the other problems, although I have no idea, as I am winging it on that one. My reasoning is that it can't hurt - and could help. I have hopes that for whatever reason, I may have significant swelling there again, and that could cause the weakness and other problems. Actually, who knows? But it makes me feel better to think that I will not end up in a wheelchair again, I may just have occasional trouble from time to time. That will be my theory until I can see my neuro, in April. Nothing like doctoring yourself, but there really is some validity to this theory.

I have to get my mind on the job today, and that is getting harder and harder to do. With everything falling apart all around me, I am having trouble focusing. But deadlines are looming once again, it's hard to remember when I was actually a good manager. So many things are bound to change there, it's hard to know exactly how to go about alot of it. I find myself thinking, "if this place weren't sold, I'd...", or "if I were going to be here longer, I'd...". Owner is currently in Florida at the races, his annual two weeker - and it really is easier with him gone. It's just alot more responsibility for me, under normal circumstances, that's not an issue. This time, I am just bumbling along. Oh well. One huge thing at a time, I guess.

Again, I want you all to know that you are the best. Are you tired of hearing that yet? I think we are an amazing group, just in case you don't know. The thing I find so funny is that everyone has such a negative opinion of internet friendships, there is such a bad connotation that goes along with the word INTERNET. Too bad they don't have something like all of us do. We are our own personal cheering section for one another, a group that honestly cares and tries to understand. Someday, I would LOVE to be able to meet, and have a party together. Do you think that could ever be arranged? So many of you are SO far away....Ah, we can dream.

Have a great day today. I apologize for being so behind in all your pages - I will get back on track soon.

In case you don't know by my title, that stupid song -the theme song for that old tv show GREEN ACRES is stuck in my head, and has been for days...ugh...someone else take it, please!

Rant

When I woke up this morning and read my comments from yesterday, I had a comment from a new reader to my blog, a wonderful young woman with a young family, that has a whole lot going on in her life, as all young mothers should and do. The problem? She lives with excruciating back pain. She is only in her thirties, like my youngest sister who called me yesterday in tears, she was unable to get up from her bed and take care of my three year old niece, and her husband had to be home from work, again. I spoke with my most wonderful older sis over the weekend, and she had spent several days in bed with her back...and my own mother is once again in horrendous pain, and having more tests on her back today. You all know and love Soul, and know that she deals with pain from her back daily, so much so that it's debilitating. Another new blog that I visit daily, is a very beautiful young woman that just had the same surgery that I did, Foster Communications, and while I have no idea how she will fare after healing, there is a pretty good bet that she will have some lasting effects. My point? This back pain and trouble is ridiculous. There should be more help available to those with these issues, and I'm finding more and more folks that cannot even live their lives because of it. I never hear of any sort of breakthroughs in the medical field for anything like this, but maybe I am just not listening in the right areas. I do know that the amount of money charged for anything back related is absurd, and sometimes I believe that people are pulled into it for the money alone. I am getting the bills from my surgery now,(thank God for health insurance) and I knew it would be alot. I didn't think it would be more than fifty-thousand dollars, though. That is literally absurd. Remember that I was in the hospital one night. ONE NIGHT. The actual surgery lasted less than two hours. That's pretty good money, when you consider that the hardware that was put into my neck could have been purchased at Home Depot for a buck thirty-two. I read about people that are suffering, and I honestly do mean suffering, with back issues, no longer able to work, no longer able to do anything, and it seems that so many have even no doctors that are willing to help them. Unbelievable. Honestly, it is. If these folks had cancer, there would be doctors falling all over them to help. Cancer--why would I say that? Because it can be as bad as that, only it won't kill you. Enough said.

Dream a little dream of me..

My neck is now naked! No more brace for me kiddos, in fact, Mr doctorman thought I was doing just fine. He said it is too soon for physical therapy, I see him again in 4 weeks, and maybe at that time we could discuss it. I have a few restrictions, but nothing major. I can drive again! I can be normal again--well, as normal as I ever was, that is. Hallelujah!

It's interesting, though how my neck lights up like a Christmas tree on the X-rays...and according to my very smart daughter who worked for the airlines for some time, I may need to get a card of some kind from him on the next visit for travel, as titanium or not, it is highly possible that I could make the bells and whistles go off at the airports now and there is no way I can pull that out for them to run through the scanners.

So I spent the day yesterday and the night last night without the brace and surprisingly, it hurts without it, too. But that's okay, I suspect that might be from lack of use, or part of it anyway. Kitty number one had to be moved off of my head in the night, not once but twice, and he's rather unhappy about that this morning. H and I had some running around to to in the city yesterday after the doctor visit, and I cannot tell you how wonderful it felt to be walking, and also without the brace. Heaven, that's what it is...it's heaven.

I'm back to the job today, and hopefully back to the regular hours. I have loads and tons and unbelievable amounts of work to do. The end of the year...oh my. If I am not here as much as usual, please know why. I may just drown in my work...but I am just so damned grateful that I am able to do it, I could cry.

You all have a great Thursday. I will catch you back here later!

It's delighful, it's delectible. it's de-lovely...

Hello there. I survived...barely. I shopped...until I dropped. I am still not finished, but I am closer than I was. Tomorrow night, we will get the last few things. Ugh...Christmas is hard, physically, financially...in every way. It shouldn't be this way, but every year, it is. I do like Christmas, once all the hard work is done. But that is such a short period of time. I once thought that the key to enjoying it was starting way early, so several years ago, I did all my shopping in the summer and fall. The problem with that was, I bought so much more...and spent so much more. So, it is what it is...and I do enjoy it, once it is all wrapped up. Pun intended.

I went to have my stitches out, and things are going according to plan, at least that's what the RN said. She was quite helpful, and took the time to answer all my questions. She thinks that I will have some physical therapy in my future, and that made me feel better, as hopefully that will allow the spinal cord a better opportunity to heal and me a better opportunity to continue to walk. I am cleared to go back to work tomorrow, although slowly. Only a few hours at a time, she thinks that I will be one to over do---hmm....where did she get that idea? I have to wear this blasted neck brace for at least a couple more weeks,( I see the Dr for my post op appointment on the 2nd of January), and she said she cannot stress the importance of it enough. Ack----it is hell, wearing it. But I can see why. Just a little while ago, I tripped over CrazyDog, while wearing it, mind you, because I cannot see down with it on, because the dog and cat were fighting over the dog treats, and now I have hurt my neck pretty badly...in fact, I am somewhat worried about it, and wonder if I need to see the Dr today, but imagine how bad it would be had I NOT been wearing the damned thing...on the other hand, I might NOT have done it had I not had it on, as I could have seen my feet.....hrmph. In any event, I am pretty hurt in the back of my neck and will now wait and see if I need to go to the Dr today, although I don't know what he would be able to do...but dammit, I didn't need any help in the hurting department. Dammit.

So many things I need to do today, and if I do any of them, there will be no work for me tomorrow. I mean it, I am in bad shape from over doing yesterday, and that is just my own dumb fault. But it was a nice day, I almost felt normal, out and about. I am ready to get back to work, and to be able to walk while doing it? That will be like a miracle...

I have one thing that I would like all of you to keep your fingers crossed for me on...we got an offer on the other house yesterday...and it's not much but it will let us get rid of the payment that we make each month, and it would pay the expenses and allow us have a little bit left over and in this housing market, that's good enough for us. We accepted the offer and they now have 25 days to get their financing arranged. Please say a little prayer that it goes through....we have been paying quite a lot on the place since my sister moved out in March and this would be a bit of welcome good luck.

Have a very Happy Thursday! I am going to take mine slow and easy....

There's no BUSINESS like show BUSINESS

Yes, that was it. This morning's song. Holy cow...will there ever be a good song? Maybe that's a sign that I am in a slump. Maybe the day that I wake up to a good classic rock song or a tried and true country classic will be the day that I know that things are going to take a turn for the better. Van Halen, Ricky Skaggs, Merle Haggard, George Strait, the Eagles...

Yes. I am in a slump. A funk. I have the blues. It's one week before Christmas, and I am trying so hard not to. I know the reason for the season and I am trying to focus on that. Really, I am. But nothing is normal this year. Nothing. It would be so much easier if I felt better, or could even turn my head, for that matter. I am not a narcissistic person, I have done my part for others or I am doing it, even more than usual, and even that isn't helping...I try not to focus on me, because no one should. No one. But damn. Damn. Pain is my friend these days. It's coming back, the old pain...I didn't have alot of it, and now it's coming back. My legs are not cooperating like they were just a few days ago, and yes, that does have me somewhat scared. Perhaps it is because I did too much on Sunday, like H wants to believe. I want to believe it, too. So, I am trying. And shopping online, although it is getting too late to do that now. Tomorrow I go to have the stitches out. Maybe the Dr can tell me why then, and I won't have to be afraid anymore. In any event, I will finish the shopping then. And it will be good to get out of this house, as I have been in since I arrived from the hospital last Wednesday.

Well, this certainly isn't an uplifting post, is it? There are happy things, you know. My daughter is having a baby, as I have already told you. And that still thrills me, of course. I cannot believe it, if you want the truth. It's so early, and there are no outward signs...but I know it's so, of course, but I have to keep reminding myself of that fact. Man, that is going to be so awesome. :) And I have the MOST awesome kitty's in my life these days. I swear, I don't know what I would do, if D had not left them here. God certainly had a hand in that. But then, He always does. My Christmas tree is beautiful...and the kitty's have not bothered it, so far. I am surprised by that. But then, they have not been left alone with it yet. I think that will be the true test.

Have a good Tuesday. :)

ps...just found this little stress reducer. So, if you are a little Christmas stressed...give this a try! :) http://uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/attachments/bubblewrap.swf

I told you I'd be back....

Well hello there. It is about midnight, and I am sitting at my computer, drinking coffee as if it were morning, but in my mind, it is. I have my time all mixed up, but that's okay, I have no where to be for awhile, like 10 days or so. You all are going to want to know how I am and I am going to tell you in a minute, but right now, I am trying to figure out why I cannot see anything with my glasses on. I mean, I cannot see anything. I can, however, see fine without them.....?

Okay, so I am in tons of pain. In places that really shouldn't hurt. But I already knew to expect that, as I have had a previous surgery on my back, many years ago. And I discovered then, that any time a surgeon gets near the spinal cord, be prepared to hurt in places that have zero to do with the original problem, as the spinal cord is the reason and the pathway to all places, and once it has been disturbed, it can take days for the strange sensations/pain to settle down. What I would like you all to know is this: I do not have those awful feelings in my feet, and haven't since I woke up from the surgery yesterday. I am afraid to say that too loudly, as I am taking some pretty strong pain medications, but right at this time, that pain is gone. :) Also, I am able to walk. Not perfectly, and I am pretty weak at it, but I am certainly more able to walk than I was when I left this house on Monday night. Again, I am cautious, and afraid to get my hopes up only to have them crushed again...but still, for the time being, I did make it up the stairs yesterday. Without help. :)

I do have a pretty ugly Frankenstein scar running across half of my neck, but that will get better with time, although I have to tell you, it has OS pretty grossed out. It makes me laugh, or it would, if it didn't hurt so much to do that right now, but the stitches are still in, and for whatever reason, the Dr's do not want it covered up, it is to be left in the open...which I think is pretty unusual, so when OS is here, he has a hell of time looking at me. But I am supposed to be wearing this damned collar, and I am, and I do---except for a few minutes at a time, so he can't see it when I have it on. Ans while we are on the subject of that collar, that thing will be the death of me, yes, I know it is a small price to pay for being able to hopefully walk normally again, but what a huge pain in the neck---pun intended.

I am quite grateful to have all of this behind me...you have no idea. It has been an interesting few days, to say the least. The pain I am dealing with now is no big deal compared to what I have had for the past year or more, it's just different. It is intense, and I am already ready for it to go away, I guess you all can tell that patience never has been on of my virtues, can't you?

As you all know, I did return home to a house with no electricity, but it came back on last evening, thank God. Being cold like that does nothing for pain, it causes your entire body to tense up, and makes everything worse. I am quite grateful that the electric companies are working around the clock in this part of the country.

And, this last paragraph that I am about to write, I have been told not to. I have been asked to wait until all interested parties have been told in person, but hey-this is my blog, and if interested parties are reading me, then perhaps the significantly involved people should be a little quicker in notifying those that don't know already. How is that for a little confusion? Now you all have NO idea what I am saying, and you are all thinking...."poor dear, she really is delusional..." Let me assure you all, that I am not. And to those that read this, or occasionally write this--Good morning D---and know what I am about to say here, I do apologize, but this does affect me, and I cannot keep such wonderful news to myself....

I am going to be a Grandma. My beautiful, wonderful, smart, sweet daughter has found herself pregnant. The baby is due in late August. So, she is just about 4 weeks along, and yes, I know it's early to be blabbing about this. But I am beside myself with excitement. This is a dream that I thought would never happen. The circumstances under which this baby will be born are probably less than ideal, according to D, but there are no bad babies, they all come from God. This child will be blessed whether there are two full time parents or one. I am sorry, D. I just cannot keep my yap shut. I already am in love with that tiny, tiny little being. I know all the doubts that you feel, and I understand each of them. Seriously, I do. I do think that all babies should have the best of circumstances, you are correct about that. But that baby is already there and you will see that there will be no child loved more, EVER, than this one. And truly, the two of you may surprise even yourselves. No matter how things work out, this child will be just fine. The both of you will be the best parents. And you will find that I am going to be the best grandma on the planet. You just wait and see. I love you, you know.

Okay, so that's all I have. I don't know when I'll be back around, but I am missing you all alot, so I will probably be here pretty regularly. I can sit in this chair just as easily as in that bed. I am oh so ready to feel better, but I can tell this is going to be a slow recovery. A couple of days will probably make a huge difference, and a little sleep would also make me feel lots better, but even the damned horse size pain medications won't really let me sleep much. Plus, I have had a few things going on upstairs!

Have a great day today! Oh and yes, the song that has been stuck in my head while at the hospital and since is"Layla". I do love me some Eric Clapton. That one, I can easily live with. :)

luke, i am your father...

hello friends in blogging land...

this is D. i've been asked to update you all on my momma's condition after her surgery today. you all are so sweet - your comments are wonderful and just what she needs to help her through this. you guys were right up there on the list of people to contact, too - she made sure i had her login information before they took her up this morning.

so she mentioned the ice storm and the potential of staying in the big city to be closer to the hospital. however, she didn't mention that we'd have to browbeat her into making that decision. it took a day's worth of phone calls and texts to get her to decide that staying overnight in dsm was a good idea. and honestly, i don't think she was convinced; i think she was just tired of arguing with us all.

she and mark were there bright and early this morning - 5 a.m. intake paperwork and a barrage of questions took about an hour and a half; i got there a little after 6 and she was getting prepped. i could tell she was nervous; she wanted to talk more about me than her. her anesthesiologists put together quite the knock-out cocktail and the doctors whisked her off just after 7 a.m. - right on time. we were told it would be about 90 minutes in surgery, but the surgeon appeared after an hour and 15 minutes and the news was good. the procedure went as planned and things looked good. he said that he's hoping this relieves a lot of the weakness in her legs and arms.

we got to go up to see her after about an hour - and considering what she's been through, she looks beautiful. and she can talk AND HER VOICE HASN'T CHANGED! that was one of my biggest concerns, that my mother would never sound like herself again, that she'd be cursed with the voice of darth vader or lily von shtupp or something equally awful. but she sounds wonderful. she has a bandage on the front of her neck, where they went in to fix things up and she's having a lot of pain in the back of her neck, obviously where they performed the actual fusion. she kept saying that she's surprised with the amount of pain back there. it was hard to judge pain in her legs and arms because the pain in her neck was so strong, but she was moving and was acutally up walking to the bathroom before i left. but when she's up she has to wear a neck brace to keep her from straining her neck too much - it makes her look like she's about 5'11" with that thing on - her posture is so good. :)

they're keeping her doped up on some pretty strong pain meds and she snoozed up until lunch time and pretty much all afternoon, from what i've heard. she did eat some lunch (as much as anyone can eat that crap - you should have seen it) and she's keeping liquids down. there didn't seem to be much of a reaction to the anesthesia and she's recovering quite nicely. i noticed my mom didn't tell you that usually she's a grade-a-pain-in-the-ass kind of patient, but today she was on her best behavior. i'll tell you though, the nurse mentioned going home just casually in conversation and she jumped out of drug-induced haze to tell him that she was could be ready in a matter of minutes if they wanted to let her go. it was kind of funny. but they are thinking she'll be ready to go home after breakfast tomorrow.

i can't thank you guys enough for the love and support you give her and i know she appreciates it too. i'm not sure if i'll post again or if she'll take over when she gets home, but someone will keep you updated.

love,
D

Wheeling along

Saturday---Holy crap, the weeks are just flying by! November is nearly over, Christmas is right on top of us. I want to get the Christmas tree and all the decorations up this weekend, notice how I say "I" want to, and you all know that what I mean is "H" will have to do it, right? I usually LOVE the holidays, and I really do this year also, but not being able to get up and do it myself will be a bit of a problem, I think. H is the worlds best at helping me, every year he helps with all of it, but when faced with doing it all alone, and me sitting and directing...it could be interesting--to say the least. I did bring the whee chair home with me for the weekend, maybe that would help with this job....

I am working today, but from home. I really managed to get alot done yesterday but I was at the garage way too long and I am paying for it this morning. I seem to have hit a plateau with the pain and the worsening of my symptoms, although I don't really see how my legs could get any weaker, but my arms don't seem to be getting any worse than they are already, and they are holding up pretty well. I can generally make it at work until around two, and then I am finished for the day. I can absolutely do no more. Except for the days that I can do nothing at all. Damn, that makes zero sense, does it? Well, anyway, what I am trying to say is that I am getting into some kind of a routine at work, if I can work at all, I can usually work from about 8-2, with the help of the wheelchair. The pain level fluctuates from moderate to off the scale. My arms are beginning to shake with weakness after a full day of work, and I look like an alcoholic needing a drink. I am really, really hoping that the surgery can take all of this away, but I have been doing some reading, and it seems that there are many people in the predicament that I am, and permanently in wheelchairs with cervical myelopathy. Obviously, I want better results. Even something in between would be better. On one hand, the surgeon tells me he can fix it. In the next breath, he says it is about a 50/50 shot. So, we will see. I guess anything would be an improvement. I have decided that whatever the outcome, I will live with it, and do the best I can. I am not giving up or giving in. But surely you all knew I wouldn't. :)

I am going to have a good Saturday--and I want all of you to do the same.

ps...good heavens, i just noticed that i wrote "whee chair" in this post and it cracked me up. Lord, it's really far from that...but I'm going to leave it, it does make one's mind think of waaay funner things than it really is. LOL

Howdy Doody

Okay, so it is now Tuesday, and a Tuesday has to be better, doesn't it?

I would like to tell you all that I am in a better frame of mind today, but that would be lying because I'm not. This whole situation seems bizarre to me since I have zero pain in my neck, and all this bullshit surgery will not do one thing for all the pain that i am in, that will have to be done with another surgery at another time, since the pain in my back and legs is coming from the lower discs. So, all that will be accomplished is the hope of being able to walk, and knowing when I have to pee, and hopefully not longer seeing double, and yes, all of those things are HUGE, but there is only a chance that this will correct that, as the length of time it has taken the doctors to come to this decision has greatly lessened the chances of this working. Yes, I am probably repeating myself, but I wanted you all to understand my whining.I feel like I am between the proverbial rock and hard place. And today, I am just pissy. And in pain because I laid in the fricking MRI tube long once again, and hardly able to get around...but that is standard operating procedure these days. And I am at work, and in no mood to be here...lucky, lucky folks that work for me.....lol.

Have a good day.

An answer

Just a quick update---I finally have an answer, but it's one I am not happy about. I am scheduled for surgery on the 11th of December---an anterior cervical fusion. I did not and still do not want surgery, but there is little hope of keeping the use of my legs and frankly, my bladder, without it. The surgeon repeated today what the neurologist said a couple of weeks ago, that if I didn't have it taken care of now, I may not have the option later, and hopefully it isn't already too late. Basically, C5-C7 are fused in place by the use of cadaver bones and a plate and screws. Sounds very appealing, eh? The incision is made in the front....and the risks are many, such as the artery that is in the way, the esophagus, etc...but seriously, I am backed into a corner, and see no way out, if I want to walk. Just so you know, the reason for the lag in scheduling was me, not them. Between the Dr's schedule and mine, that date seemed to work best. I felt that if I have waited this long, a few more days isn't going to hurt.

I am trying to feel hopeful that this will take care of the problems that I am having, walking would be wonderful, knowing when I need to pee certainly would be helpful, and not seeing double anymore will come in handy. Tonight, I am just not there yet. I am certain that by tomorrow, my mood and spirits will be where they should be, and so until then, I will say so long.

Flatline

I am sitting here, in front of this white box that is waiting for me to fill it with words, completely uninspired. It is Monday, always Monday, and on this Monday, I seriously would rather be going to my place of work. But today, I am off to Des Moines, to have yet another MRI of my neck and mid back, and then to an appointment with the surgeon. I will let you all know this evening what he has to say. I don't know that he will have anything to say...it seems that I am stuck in the middle of one test and appointment after another with no real ending.

I hope that you all have as good a Monday as you can. Later. :)

Annie, Dreamboat Annie

I am not sorry to see October go, although it does seem that my life is passing me by and I am not present for most of it.

Happy November! The month of Thanksgiving, and the pre-Christmas rush. Holy crap! I can't even begin the think about that. I have survived the past few weeks, a surprise to me, if no one else, and I have accomplished more than humanly possible at work. Even for a person with working legs. Today is the last of the "unusual" tasks, then it's back to work as usual, and since it is the first of the month, it all starts over. But that's okay, the weight of the world if off my back. Now I just have the weight of a few small countries...teehee. That, I can deal with.

All things are rolling along....family, friends, work, the menagerie here at home, all things are good. I say that in a whisper, as I have learned that if spoken too loudly, then all things tend to blow up. So, that part is a secret. Shhhh.....

I must, once again, thank all my blog friends for hanging with me, through all my whining, and crying, and complaining.....that has become my life. While the pain and medical problems have NOT in the least let up, I am going to try and focus on other things, if not for you all, then for me. It gets old for my readers, it gets old for me. My life is what it is. My body is what it is. So much of it doesn't work, but alot of it does. Thank God for that. I have good doctors, I have good medications. I have a husband that is unreal. I have a job that I can do what I need to do and then I can leave. Who can say that? I know that I am blessed with so much. I can say attitude adjustment. Now I have to live it. And with that, I am out. Have a really, really good Thursday!

And so...

Just a quick post to let you know that I know nothing more than I did this morning when I left. It has been a long, long day, and I am tired. I liked the Dr, he seemed rather human, which was a pleasant surprise. He wants yet another MRI, this time of my middle back, the thorasic (? I don't know if that's the correct term or spelling) area, as it has not been done and he says he wants NO surprises if and most likely when he does surgery. He also feels that we have not gotten to the bottom of my problems...that a few things that are wrong are not adding up the way he wants and would feel better with a picture of that area. I am good with that---as I don't want surgery in the first place, but if I must have it, then I surely don't want any surprises, either. So, I go back to city NEXT Monday morning for the MRI, and then I see him again in the afternoon. Swell. So, I shall see you all in the morning. Good night.

Only on days that end in Y

I am stronger this morning, temporary---I'm sure, but I will take it. I knew I would be, after a day of resting and sleeping. My appointment with the surgeon has been moved up to Monday. My neurologist' nurse told me to take is easy until then, I told her I would do my best to do that at work. I did have a talk with Owner on the phone and he explained that he has trouble looking at me in my current condition, I do understand that, even though I know you all will have negative things to say about that, and I am not defending him in any way, but it really is a relief to him when I am not there, he cannot deal with me in my current condition. Some people can't handle the ugliness of illness, and me not being able to walk really is pretty ugly. He wouldn't have told me that, but I made him. It is that helpless feeling that everyone around me is feeling, and some can't handle it at all, so they act mad. My own daughter handles it about the same way. So, at least I understand a little.

So today, I will work, at least the best I can. This is the worst possible month out of the whole year that this could happen to me, work wise. Well---other than January, I suppose. But anyway, one way or another, I will get it all finished. GMAC writes all the paper on our vehicles, (that means they have the floor plan---the loans) and every October, they have to have the contract renewed on the business and on the Owner, and that takes an enormous amount of time and paperwork, and they go through my numbers with a magnifying glass. My deadlines on EVERYTHING is the 31st, and they honestly could care less whether I die, they just want their numbers. You all know how business is. And I really do appreciate that you think there is someone else that should/could be able to help me, but honestly----there is not. We are a very small business...I do all the tax work, and I have all that to contend with, the end of the quarter reports, along with the other things, and by the time I explain to an outside party HOW to do it, I could do it. But I will manage to get it finished. What does surprise me is how much pain takes away my ability to think straight. I have quit taking pain medication at work, for this very reason, and still sometimes getting one thought from here to there can be quite a process. I have quit trying to over see other things on the job, such as what's going on in the back, but that does lead to other issues, and really, now the inmates are running the asylum once again...and yes, I know owner should handle things, but the employees do no go running to him and that is not their fault, they have learned over the years not to, so things are just running amuck. Isn't that the greatest, most descriptive word? Although I am not sure that things can run amuck, maybe only people can do that, but if that is the case, rest assured that is happening as well. :)

I hope each of you have great, great Fridays. I want to thank you all, once again for lifting my sad, sad spirits when I have needed you to. You are all the best. Later.

Row row row your boat

As you all can see, I am late in my posting. That would be because I overslept, once again. Too many pills, I suppose. I am only taking pain medication when I am not at work, although the pain I have to deal with then is becoming pretty hard to bear. I left work early yesterday, all my strength had gone, I couldn't manage any more. I did make a little progress in my work, but i still have miles to go. The problem is that today isn't looking so good - I am not well at all this morning, I have no strength whatsoever. It seems that I can walk pretty well as long as I can take the preceding day off. As the week rolls on however, so does the strength that I have left, and by the end of the week, such as Thursday, then I am a goner. I just slid down the wall in the kitchen, and that was all she wrote. I suppose I will have to call the Dr about a wheelchair today, although it is hard for me to believe this is what my life has been reduced to. I can't even believe that I just wrote that sentence. The only thing that keeps me from digging a hole and jumping in is realizing that if I lay down all day today, tomorrow I would probably be able to walk fairly well. Heaven help me if that ever changes. :(

So, at this juncture, I am going to be here at home, worrying about the condition of my work that is not getting done. The end of the month is approaching fast, how will I ever get it all completed? Too much to think about now...I think I will go lay down. Perhaps I will have more positive things to say later.

I do hope that each of you have great days today, it's almost Friday! Later.

I cannot afford to be a klutz

Good Morning. I am feeling kind of cruddy today, for many reasons. My job is kicking my ass, for one, and i think the business is being sold, to a very arrogant man. He already doesn't like me, but the feeling is quite mutual. So, i will be unemployed after the first of the year. That does scare me because I have spent a major portion of my work life in this very place. I am also afraid financially. Plus, I love all the people that work here, as well as the owner. He however, as much as told me yesterday that he could take me or leave me, so moving on will be the right thing to do. Frankly, with my health the way it is now, it would probably be the only choice i have, but i don't like the choice taken from me. And I do worry about who will hire a middle aged woman that can barely walk. :(

I have made a couple of decisions regarding my health, and I know that all of you are going to tell me to wait until I talk to the surgeon and certainly I am going to do that, but i do know this: I am not going to have surgery for a maybe. I have been more than present for countless surgeries with both my mother and sister, none of which have ended up helping in any way. Back surgeries are major, scary, possibly life-altering events that rarely have successful outcomes. The first one that I had many years ago was a cut and dried thing, there was one problem, easily taken care of. If my problems turn out to be that kind then I will jump on that table. I know however, that they are not. And i am not going to go through weeks of rehabilitation to potentially lose what good I do have left. But, like I said, I will see whatthe good DR has to say. I know I am asking for alot, because I want guarantees, but I do know the other side of this coin, and it is waaay worse than the one I am on now.

I do think I neglected to say on my post yesterday that my neck has gotten quite small and the neurologist said that he was quite worried that if I was in any kind of accident, my neck would snap.The reason I didn't say this was the drama was a little too much and it kind of scared me. I am now worried that if I am walking along and trip will I break my neck? Kind of gives reality to the old joke---"you are going to break your neck if you aren't careful". Maybe I need to wear some kind of helmet? Owner said I need to wear a hans device in the car (for those of you that don't know, that's what race car drivers wear)...Perhaps body armor? I cannot worry about this, and my title for the day is a joke because I AM a klutz.... Geez.....Out.