What day is it?

I would like to have something really positive to write here, but I'm just not feeling it. I can't say if that is largely due to complete exhaustion or actually because I'm unhappy. Either way, this new life of mine is not cutting it and something has to give before I do. Aside from that, things are terrific. How are things in your worlds? Have a very happy Saturday. It is Saturday, isn't it?

One of THOSE kinds of days

Hey, hey, hey----it's finally Friday! And the last day of being here in this great state of Minnesota, no offense to those who call it home, I think this place is wonderful, but I am ready to get back to my own life, my own routine...what's left of it anyway.

Yesterday, things seemed to be ticking along as they should...until my Mom texted me, in the middle of the afternoon, with a message that read: "call me, it's important". So, of course, I couldn't wait until the day was over, I was too nervous about what was wrong. After I called, I wished I had waited as the rest of the day was ruined for me, I found it impossible to concentrate on anything. My step dad, Richard, has colon cancer. Just like that, out of the blue. He has had no issues or problems, and merely had a routine colonoscopy, and they found cancer. He has surgery scheduled for June 3rd, and it is the surgeon's belief that will take care of it, assuming they find no surprises once they get in there. GREAT. I was literally dumbfounded, if you all knew Richard, you would know that he's a healthy, young for his age man, can do anything, will do anything....Of course, this is worrying me, for him - although I do believe that at this early stage it can be stopped, but also for my mom, without him, I seriously have no idea what would happen to her. PLUS, while he is in the hospital and after his surgery, my mom is going to need help. That was my first thought, or the second, as my first one was for R. So, of course, now I'm working again and can't be there. There is no way I can ask for time off in this job. Trav, my older sister, is having surgery herself the day before R's, and will in fact need her own help, (another thing I was cursing the timing gods for, as I certainly could have gone and helped her, had it been in the right time frame for my job). My younger sister, is in BAD, BAD shape herself, cannot get down her own stairs most of the time, so she will not be helpful in the least. Eventually, we did come up with a solution, one that will be okay, but these are the things on my mind last evening, so the studying I was assigned to do went right out the window. Of course, there is a big "test" on what we have learned these past two weeks today. But, I was still trying, after the million phone calls I made, and all the discussing. I was still trying, sitting here in my room, attempting to make sense of all of the reading I had to do from the manual. Then the phone rings once again, and my youngest was on the line. "Uh mom...." Oh great, here it comes, I can tell by the tone in his voice this isn't going to be good. And now, of course...he has lost his job. JUST FRICKING PEACHY. He was let go for being on the internet when he was not supposed to, and of course I asked him if he knew he wasn't supposed to be there, and of course, he knew. Not my problem, I realize, but I am not the kind of mom who can't or won't worry. Finally, I went next door to the restaurant, ate dinner, and had a couple of much needed beers. In my head, I said "screw it". This morning, however, I have alot to do....ugh.

The last day!!! Hope all of you have a great day today...and I will see you all here tomorrow, from my own HOME!

Me, Me, ME.

And to think that I believed this whole out of work thing would be temporary. Fool. My ego is in literal pain, and I have no earthly idea why, WHY, I do not have a job yet. I am doing everything possible to find just the right one. It has now been five weeks, don't you all think that's long enough? I am beginning to question myself, my abilities, everything about me. Am I too brash, am I too tough, not tough enough, too smart, too stupid, too...shit, everything?

I did not get the job running the truck shop that I really, really wanted. It was by far the one I was THE most qualified for, the one that made me feel the most comfortable, and the money was decent. Or at least I was told it was. However, I do believe that money played a part in their decision, and I am wondering, am I expecting too much? I had agreed to their salary cap, their top amount, and that was still nearly twenty-thousand less than I had been making. I am aware that they do NOT care what I would have made this year had I stayed in my former position, but should it NOT play a part in what I do? At this point, I would pretty much take about anything, but the lower positions that I have applied for, I do NOT hear anything from. It makes me wonder if I should "dumb down" my resume for lower type jobs...not lower in the class sense, but lower in the area of responsibility and money...just so you know. In any event, SHIT.

I am beginning to question every damned thing about ME, and that's always been something I am sure of...ME. I know what I can do, I know what I can give, I know what I need and want. Why does no one want me? And this is pretty much rhetorical, because if any of you know why no one wants me, I don't think my bruised ego can take it right now, or at least be gentle. :)

But in other news:

So much happening, so little time.

Help.

:)