Life update

Okay, so this another one of those times that I want to start a new blog post, but I am not sure how to jump in. Once again, events have occurred that are not my doing, but affect me greatly. Once again, a child of mine has behaved less than beautifully, and now has a steep price to pay. Once again, a sleepless night, a day full of worry and helplessness. My child is by no means the only one at fault, but is left holding the bag for everyone involved. Once again, I know how to make the problem go away, but cannot make this adult child understand that's the only option. Once again, I lay awake, knowing that nothing that I say or do will change any of it, and I am left with merely trying to keep my-own-self from destruction.

My new job is very stressful. At this time, I can't say whether that's only me---making it that way, or if the whole place is that stressed out. I feel fairly certain that it will eventually be okay there - but to say that this past week has been a breeze would be a lie. I have two women working directly for me---right, I know - a piece of cake..after all, in the past I have had more than ten times that amount report directly to me. However, the dynamic in this place is way different than what I am used to. First of all, I am the boss, and I have no clue about how things are done there. So, the two who do, have to spend all of their time showing me. Not a good way to begin. Then, I find out that the one that has to spend all of her time helping me, once had my job and couldn't do it----and was asked to step down. So, no wonder she has a chip on her shoulder large enough for me to crawl into. Personally, if I were in her shoes, there is no way I would stay in that place, but both of these women are long-term employees and not going anywhere. Neither of them appear to be smart enough to worry that leaving me hanging will not be good for them, not in the long run. But hey - whatever...at this point, I can take it. If the other things in my life do not settle down soon though, it could get ugly. Physically, doing this job is all that I can manage right now. I get to work by seven-thirty and nearly crawl back up to this apartment around five and I cannot hardly make it across the floor. This is not a physical job, and my exhaustion and severe pain are not completely understood by me, I mean - I know I have health issues but this is ridiculous. All I can do is hope that physically I become used to it...and mentally I can do it---and by that I mean put up with all the bullshit. Because this is the only option for me, and because it just makes sense...it has to work. I will manage, somehow.

At home, no progress is being made. That is my fault, as I just don't have the strength left in me to even be nice to Mark, let alone try and pull this relationship out of the toilet. We had plans to actually spend time together yesterday, you know - like doing something fun---as if either of us could recognize fun---but they were messed up by the events I started this post with. We did see alot of each other this past week, but it's easy to see, none of it was enjoyed or even wanted... by either of us I would say, but we had necessary reasons to be together. So, where this is going is also unknown to me right now.

Other than that...I'm doing well. I am actually looking forward to a quiet day alone. Well--mostly alone as I am sure I will see a kid or two at one time or another. Happy Sunday. :)

Blah Blah Blah

I wasn't going to post this morning, but when I looked at my blog, it does not appear correctly - my title and top and bottom bar are there, and nothing more...so this is a "test" post.

Things are ticking along here...this will be day three on the new job, and I am tired beyond belief. In the past year, I have forgotten how OLD and not healthy I am...but still, I will be able to physically do it, once I have gotten used to doing it. The work will be challenging, once I figure out what the previous person has done, at this point...it's a mess.

Mark and I are still apart - and are okay with it. CrazyDog is not feeling quite the same, however. She is having larger issues than normal, and for that, I feel very bad. We have talked about the two of them coming back home for that reason but have decided that isn't why we want to reconcile...so I don't know. I have to admit I have been so wiped out at night that being here alone has been wonderful. I knew that I would be that way...when I am tired and fed up, I just want to be left alone. I don't think that's a good way to be when one is part of a couple. Often, my issues are not with Mark, they are with everyone. That alone, sort of scares me and what it means for us. Today, he is bringing the dog here for the day and he and I are supposed to have dinner together. If he doesn't bring her with him, then he has to hurry back to our old house an hour and a half away, to let her out, so there would be no opportunity to see him at all. Poor old CrazyDog....she will be the death of us. She is seriously old and crazy, but physically---she just keeps on ticking. I knew we should have named her Timex.

Out.

Too many questions, too much time.

Today is Sunday---the 15th of February. It is the date of the Daytona 500, the first "official" Nascar race of 2009. It is also the day after Valentines day, and the day before I start my new job. It is more importantly, my second day of living alone. What I thought would be easy has turned out to be much more than that. This is not easy, it's lonely. There, I said it---admitting that does not come easy to me. I want to need no one, but find that I might and this fact is distressing to me. But it is only day two. I have had no life of any kind for months now, and what used to be a compliment to my life became the central focus, and I do not believe any relationship can stand up to that kind of scrutiny for very long. No one person should have to be a lifeline for anyone else, that's a huge undertaking that even Superman would tire of quickly. I have not been the clinging vine that those words bring to mind, but rather the resentful shrew purposely not waiting at the front door. But there has been a smile on my face. No one could accuse me of being a bitch. I have this uncanny ability to put the pressure on, even while doing something as mundane and helpful as cooking dinner. The unspoken word here, with my children and those that are close to this family, is that Jamie is the one that wants it this way...Jamie is the one who pushed him out the front door. I would like to set the record straight here, if you all don't mind. Jamie wanted it as much as Mark did. Perhaps Mark wanted it more, because I must tell you all, that had there been one word uttered during the packing and hauling, Jamie would have broken down and said, NO. But I didn't do that, because he didn't hesitate. This was not a war of wills, it was done out of necessity, to hopefully preserve what we have left. To hopefully regain some of the respect, desire, and fun of what we used to be together, because there is none of that left. Is that even possible? After almost fifteen years together, is it possible to feel anything like it once was? I know that kind of time changes people, obviously we cannot be the same as we were back when we first met. I don't expect that, but I do expect to like each other again, to look forward to time spent together. Maybe I just am incapable of the long term, as my first marriage broke up in just about the same time frame. Maybe I have unrealistic views of what life truly is supposed to be. But I am struggling here, with all of these questions. The doing is over, and I am trying hard not to give in to what's easiest, to keep this separation going so that something can be gained. To give it up now, because the newness of the situation is painful, would not accomplish anything. Most certainly, within days, we would be right back where we were, just the day before yesterday. And honestly, it makes no difference, as this whole mess depends on two of us, and I don't know where he is in all of it. Too many questions...too much time.

And yes, I finally start my job tomorrow. I am ready to go, but apprehensive. This has to be right for me...I can't take anything else being wrong. Wish me luck.




Oh--and I did get flowers yesterday for the big V---they aren't the usual white roses, but I feel certain these meant more. They were from my beautiful daughter. :)