Okay, so this another one of those times that I want to start a new blog post, but I am not sure how to jump in. Once again, events have occurred that are not my doing, but affect me greatly. Once again, a child of mine has behaved less than beautifully, and now has a steep price to pay. Once again, a sleepless night, a day full of worry and helplessness. My child is by no means the only one at fault, but is left holding the bag for everyone involved. Once again, I know how to make the problem go away, but cannot make this adult child understand that's the only option. Once again, I lay awake, knowing that nothing that I say or do will change any of it, and I am left with merely trying to keep my-own-self from destruction.
My new job is very stressful. At this time, I can't say whether that's only me---making it that way, or if the whole place is that stressed out. I feel fairly certain that it will eventually be okay there - but to say that this past week has been a breeze would be a lie. I have two women working directly for me---right, I know - a piece of cake..after all, in the past I have had more than ten times that amount report directly to me. However, the dynamic in this place is way different than what I am used to. First of all, I am the boss, and I have no clue about how things are done there. So, the two who do, have to spend all of their time showing me. Not a good way to begin. Then, I find out that the one that has to spend all of her time helping me, once had my job and couldn't do it----and was asked to step down. So, no wonder she has a chip on her shoulder large enough for me to crawl into. Personally, if I were in her shoes, there is no way I would stay in that place, but both of these women are long-term employees and not going anywhere. Neither of them appear to be smart enough to worry that leaving me hanging will not be good for them, not in the long run. But hey - whatever...at this point, I can take it. If the other things in my life do not settle down soon though, it could get ugly. Physically, doing this job is all that I can manage right now. I get to work by seven-thirty and nearly crawl back up to this apartment around five and I cannot hardly make it across the floor. This is not a physical job, and my exhaustion and severe pain are not completely understood by me, I mean - I know I have health issues but this is ridiculous. All I can do is hope that physically I become used to it...and mentally I can do it---and by that I mean put up with all the bullshit. Because this is the only option for me, and because it just makes sense...it has to work. I will manage, somehow.
At home, no progress is being made. That is my fault, as I just don't have the strength left in me to even be nice to Mark, let alone try and pull this relationship out of the toilet. We had plans to actually spend time together yesterday, you know - like doing something fun---as if either of us could recognize fun---but they were messed up by the events I started this post with. We did see alot of each other this past week, but it's easy to see, none of it was enjoyed or even wanted... by either of us I would say, but we had necessary reasons to be together. So, where this is going is also unknown to me right now.
Other than that...I'm doing well. I am actually looking forward to a quiet day alone. Well--mostly alone as I am sure I will see a kid or two at one time or another. Happy Sunday. :)