Stuff, stuff and more stuff

I will never know if I would have gotten the job, I could hardly walk the day of the interview, so it made no sense to go. I am fooling myself, there is no way I can do that kind of work, not until the dr's can fix me. I can hardly do the kind of work I already have, walking some days is next to impossible.

Yes, I am frustrated. Yes, my attitude is bad. I am so tired of physical problems I could just scream, but that doesn't help. I try really, really hard, every day. It does not change the facts. And, that? It makes me really mad.

I see my neuro today. I have to have some answers. I don't necessarily expect to have any today, but I will put the wheels in motion to find them. My dr is not excited for me to have surgery but I have tried every other thing, and I cannot (will not) live the rest of my life this way. I have had the epidurals, I have tried and am still trying the medications. I live my life rushing home to take pills, which knock me out, either literally---and I sleep my life away, or partially, and I am too out of it to do anything. I am like a stupid child, each day I wake up expecting that I will feel better, only to have my expectations crushed. My ex used to call me Pollyanna...I suppose he was right. The surgery that I need is dangerous in that there are so many parts to it, I may have to have two procedures. The outcome is not guaranteed and I could end up with no use of my legs whatsoever. I need a cage put in my spine to hold the bones in place. That even sounds awful and believe me, I don't want it. However, I don't want to live this way, either. I try so hard not to sound sorry for myself, I really don't feel that way. I know how much worse things could be, but not being able to do the few things I want to do is really a problem. I guess I will know more later.

Something is beeping, and I can't figure out what the heck it is. Have you all noticed how many things in our lives beep these days? It is coming from downstairs, it's too soon for the coffee pot to be telling me it's time to shut off, my phone is here beside me, my laptop has no reason to beep, ugh, it's the house phone, the battery is low. Good heavens.

I am finding it hard to believe that the holidays are upon us. The Christmas lights are up here at my apartment community, they are beautiful. Thanksgiving is just a couple of weeks away---and I just found out the my son is coming home! I am so excited about that. I am making dinner, at least I think I am, I am having trouble getting my kids let me know their plans...but either way, Craig will be here, and I can't wait. I have not seen him for weeks - thirteen of them, in fact. He has always been my good friend...and I can't tell you how much I miss him. He is doing well and is happy, so I am all for him living in Colorado, but some days I just want to hug him. He calls to see how I am, he always remembers to ask how things went with whatever is happening in my life. He has been such as support to me for so long...he worries about me more than he should. I cannot wait to see him.

I am not going to work today, the dr appointment I have is two stupid hours away. It has been so slow at work my presence will not be missed. Things there have been tense and I am happy to have a day away, although I am not looking forward to what I am doing.

Ugh, it was not the phone...I hung that on the charger, and the beep just went off again. I think I shall go see...

Have a happy Wednesday. :)

Save me

Hang on friends...this post is sure to be all over the map. My mind is on a million different things and sometimes you just have to let it all out.

It's Friday, and that makes me happy. I don't have to go to the dreaded j-o-b for two whole days. Sadly, I really like the work. Beyond that..the people are truly not my cup of tea. Mostly the women - woman- in the office. Yes, they are my employees, but I am telling you---there is no way I can get rid of a lifer in the office. I have no clue what her issue is, other than just pure assholiness. It is difficult enough for me to be stuck in an office with any other person, even if it were the most compatible person on this earth..too much togetherness makes me want to hide. In this case...ugh---I am not sure how long I can take it. She is petty and spiteful and oh-so-sweet when necessary. I thought I had the problem handled but I was wrong. I can see the writing on the wall here, and although I have no choice in this matter, it won't be long until I am searching for quieter (greener) pastures. I have dealt with this problem directly, in typical ME fashion, beyond that, I have no idea what to do. Save me.

Do any of you get tired of dealing with the same old issues, the same old problems, the same old people, day after day? Am I the only one on this planet that will say the same words to the same person perhaps 5000 times? Then, on the expected 5001(th) (LOL), I just say---"well I guess I don't blame you. Yes, you are absolutely correct. Yes, I am sure that's right. Yes, yes, yes, YES." Because no matter what, what I am saying is of no use, no importance, not being heard. And why would I continue to beat myself and the other person up? I sincerely believe that if a person has a problem and wants to talk to me about it, and that person and myself do not agree about what to do about that problem, and that person continues to talk about it, continues to wallow in it, then it isn't really a problem, but a way of life for that person. Am I wrong? I know this may be hard to follow and I apologize for that. But the world is full of folks that like to talk about their issues. And complain. But those very people will do nothing to make the outcome any different, because complaining is NOT going to change it. And apparently, they don't want to change it, they just want to talk about it. Save me.

I have had a rough week, physically. It has literally been all that I can do to make it to work and then back home. There are things that have needed doing...like I am completely out of coffee filters, officially, and I have just not been able to make it. I have to get to the grocery store this evening...I have some serious concerns about why my legs are hurting so bad and are so weak and I know I need to see my doctor, but I already know there will be no help or no answers. I was told when I had the surgery on my neck that the neuropathy/myelopathy would or could return for any reason at any time. Yes, there are medications to help the pain, but not the weakness. Yes, I need to get back on one of them, but I have resisted because I could handle it up until now. Apparently, I can no longer. I have an appointment with my neuro in May -- the 20th. That is a long time to wait, but it will give me, the ultimate pollyanna where this subject is concerned, time to miraculously improve. Save me.

And now I am off---to see the wizard? My rocker? In lala land? To the salt mines?

Yes to all of the above. Save me. :)

Thursday's thoughts

I'm lonely this morning, I have no sister here with me. We had the most awesome time together, it takes so little to entertain either one of us....we get along so perfectly, and we are as different as day and night. I have spent all my life wanting to be more like Trav, when I was young-because she was so little and tiny and so outspoken and respected. Now that I am old, it's because she is the most forgiving and understanding and tolerant person I have ever been around, all of which are the qualities that each of us need more of. She has the beauty that no one thinks about, no one strives for, and the one that we should ALL have: the beauty of the inside. She can find good in any person, no matter how much they have wronged her or anyone else. Her love of God shines through on her face at every moment, and I honestly don't think I've ever met anyone else I can say that about. She loves to laugh, have a good time, and treasures every moment in her life. So, just like when I was little, I find myself wanting to pattern myself after my older sister. How lucky I am to have her. Enough said.

Once again, no time for blogging. Holy crap, when did I ever have the time to work? Today, I have to fill in at the ICS for most of the day, and my house looks like a tornado blew through. I feel like that tornado picked me up and carried me a thousand miles away, and that I walked each rough step back, so this day will be a challenge.

Have a great day, each of you. It is Thursday, only one more day until Friday, for all of you employed folks, wooo hooo! I feel I'd better enjoy my limited time off now, as the end of the month is fast approaching and my days are numbered. Actually, I can't wait to get back to the grind of working, life without work is pretty chaotic for me.

I will be around. :)

Tuesday turmoil

I am completely unable to comprehend time recently, just so you know. It seems the less I have scheduled to do, the more I am running around consistently, but actually doing nothing. When on earth would I have the time to work right now, had I not quit my ever-so-irritating, too-many-chiefs-and-not-enough-Indians type of job? I cannot remember the last time that I just sat down. And watched tv, or read my book, or did nothing. Even praying has become a hit a miss thing with me...(sorry God).

Trav and I are having a great time together, but it has been such a whirlwind, we won't know it until she is back home.Yesterday, we ran from here to there, then back to there, then to the ICS, then home, and hell it was after ten pm when we got here. And we returned to a lovely MESS of the worst kind, as CrazyDog is having stomach issues and how great is that, when she cannot go out without a leash and a navigator? It was not fun, to say the least, but it might explain what we had previously chalked up to even more crazy than normal...well, that and the current full moon, which has always affected her.

I think I will be working for UGA. It is an insurance organization, one that I have high regard for, and a pay structure like no other. The position was offered to me yesterday, assuming that they find I am not a convicted serial killer, and since we all know I have NOT been convicted, there should be no problem...teehee. It is strictly sales, and I have been selling something most of my life, but it's a do or die kind of job. That does not worry me, but the financial is something to consider, since there can be little planning in the early stages. I will have to go back and get my Iowa life and health license (oh NO, more studying....), but I have had all of the state insurance licenses at one time or another, so that will not be a big deal. I still have my credit life and health license, as there had to be one licensed agent in the dealership to sell the various insurance products that we offered. The problem is, it will be about two weeks until I can begin their training, (thank heaven that I don't have to go out of town for that), and then it will be at least another week or two before the money starts coming in, so I just have to figure out how to keep going financially until then. But, where there's a will, there's a way. I like sales, I like making my own hours, I like most of the details about the job in general. It will require some hard work now, but in about ten years, holy crap - I might even get to retire early. I feel very lucky to have had it offered to me, and the division manager that did was highly complimentary, and I needed that right now...so, I have to let them know by today...and my answer will most likely be yes. In the meantime, I have signed back on for a bit of a gig at the ICS, so that I can help take a little pressure off of Craig, running that place will make you old waaaaay before your time.

Today, Trav and I make the trek back to our mom's town, another two hours in the car. Ugh. Then we are going to hurry home so that we can spend a little time wandering all the shops here, we haven't had a chance to do that yet. Unless you count Target, and my sister does love her some Target...

Happy Tuesday!!!!

A post with no name

Another beautiful Spring morning here in Minneapolis, even if it is still a little cold. How do I know already? Why, I have already been up and outside to smoke one of the few cigarettes that I allow myself each day. Yes, I still want to quit. No, it's not going to be easy. I am down to about 5 a day, but those 5 are going to be REALLY hard to give up. Wonder if that's why they call it an addiction? I see it as a battle I have yet to win, but I will.

My week has already been long, but productive. I am beginning to SEE myself in this job, and to understand the importance of what I will be doing. Being too heavy to be healthy is another hard habit to break, and that is not even beginning to break the surface of what being overweight will do to a person's mental and emotional health. How exciting to be a part of watching a brand new person emerge from the chains of fat! I understand it because I have lived it, I know the feelings, emotions, and often the true self loathing that goes along with it. However, I have also known the feeling of becoming a brand new me, when the weightloss goal is achieved, and how positively that affects every aspect of a woman's life. What a wonderful position I get to be in, to help another person, most often a woman, find her true self and become all that she was intended to be! I have to say that this particular program is an exceptional one, and one that obviously works, I have been on it for three days and have already lost 2.4 pounds. I always have a few to lose, and what better way to understand this, than to try it? But, enough about all of this.

I am also quite excited to get back home, I miss my home, my husband, my rotten kitties and even my CrazyDog SO MUCH. Tomorrow, and it can't come soon enough.

I'll have to cut this short once again...so much to do, so little time. I hope that this is the best day ever for each of you. :)

I think I can.

Today hasn't been as hard for me, perhaps it is because I am learning what I am doing, perhaps it's due to the sleep that I have been getting. You can ask Soul, I am not waking at four am these days! Most likely, it's a little of both. I am learning, although slower than I like or expected. But learning is the idea, and I can say I am. So, I feel like I am going to make it. There are so many steps involved in learning this new job of mine, and they all work together perfectly, it's just really difficult to get it all put together quickly. There is a reason that the training takes two long weeks---and I have to admit, they know what they are doing. I have passed all tests and exams, apparently with some grace and ease, as I have not been "counseled" yet. And there are a couple of people that have. I am seriously looking forward to getting into my center and putting to use what I have learned, and also continuing my learning. And to getting to do my job. I have never been good at all with not knowing what I am doing, and I know that we all say that and mean it, but I seriously struggle with not knowing what to do next. So, I assume that I will feel alot better in a couple of weeks.

I have to thank each of you, without the encouragement that you all provide, I really don't know where I would be. It amazes me every day when I read my comments. How lucky I am to have my own personal cheering section - and you can all bet that I am on your side, too.

I wish each of you the best possible Wednesday ever, or hump day...what ever you want to call it. I'm off to the books once again, and then to the dreams.....I'll catch you back here tomorrow! :)

Effin degrees...

Damn, it's cold in here this morning, apparently the wind chill is 34 F'in degrees. Holy crap - on the third of May.

(When my youngest was little he would look at the bank sign with time and temperature, and loudly proclaim "it's 76 F'in degrees" because of the little F for Fahrenheit. We thought it was cute then, and we still say it today...)

So, I am still hobbling this morning, but not quite as badly as yesterday, as it was one dead day at the ICS. With the weather, and the fact that many folks just do not have money this year, we are really feeling the pinch. I have a little hope for today, but since it is so cold, most likely we will be able to call Tulip Time a bust this year.

I did get a little bit of encouraging news yesterday regarding the sale and the deal at the car dealership. It should be complete by the end of this next week, and if that is the case, it will be none too soon for any of us. Financially, it would be just in the nick of time for all of us, - the (previous) owner, the ICS, and me. Yes, call me stupid, but I still take care of all the financial paper work for all of the above, and I have just been trying to rob Peter to pay Paul for the past couple of weeks. It is beginning to be impossible as even Peter and Paul have their limits.

I forgot to tell all of you, but my new job training has been postponed for a week, and that is okay with me. Originally, I had the option of starting on the 5th or the 12th, and I had chosen the 12th so that I could get a couple of important things finished before I left. Then, it had been changed to beginning on the 5th. Now, we are back to the 12th, and that's good. Yes, I need the money that beginning a week early would have paid me, but Mark and I have got to get out and find an apartment in the city, and now we should have the opportunity to do that. Hopefully. I have several things to do this week, one of which is to meet Soul in the Wichita area, at least I hope so, and that would be an overnight stay. With any luck, we will be able to get it put together, sometimes working with two families schedules can be a problem. Plus, I work one whole day at the ICS, and then I have to help with the closing at the dealership, and then Mark will be working daily beginning Monday, and that will be different because I have had many months of him being able to be anywhere or do anything whenever he wanted to. Hmmm...

Mark will get back from Kansas City today, his training for the new job will end today about three. I have missed him. CrazyDog has missed him. Although, this time she has not been too bad, and we have all managed without him fairly well. If anything ever happened to Mark, I am afraid she would not survive. She has the worst separation anxiety I have ever seen. She waits for him to come home, by the door, and sighs loudly and often. Then at bedtime when he's not here, she starts to shake, I feel so sorry for her. She really is quite elderly, will be 13 next month. I don't know the life span of a Chow, but it seems to me that I read once that 11 or 12 was usually the limit. Physically, her health is good, mentally...not so much.

Today, I am off to the ICS once again. I am looking forward to it today, Janelle will be there to help, and I haven't seen her in what feels like ages. I doubt I work too very long, because the business will be dead, and there are too many people scheduled. That doesn't break my heart too badly. Have a happy day! :)

Ice cream age limit?

So, this day has been hard, and to make it even worse, I seem to have picked up a bit of dyslexia, because I cannot type, so please forgive me.

I'm tired, and feeling like perhaps I am not the perfect candidate for Ice Cream Slinging, as it is hard work, and this old woman cannot take it! But I managed today, and it was busy. And my son who is actually taking on the task of running the store is doing a wonderful job, and I am proud of him...

So now i have to write the said "business plan". I'm worn out and probably unable to put much together, and the beer I have beside me probably isn't helping. Or maybe it is, I haven't decided.

I'll keep you posted. :)

Grrr....

So today, I'm feeling pretty poopy. I am a nervous wreck and listening to CrazyDog bark at this moment (outside) is about to cause me to run away. However, last night was a normal night, everyone slept. And for that alone, you would think that I would feel better. But it's Monday morning once again, and I have no job to go to. I am seriously thinking that I am going to get an offer or two this week, I have had a couple of really good interviews and still have two to go, but the waiting is getting to me. IT IS GETTING TO ME. And to Mark. Because he and I pretty much hate one another at this juncture. Grrrrr...

But on to other things. I had the BEST day yesterday, with my kids. Janelle did make it here, and I was very happy to see her, however, I'm not so sure the feelings were returned, she was here for awhile, but clearly unhappy. I assume that meant unhappy to be here, but I guess you never know. I did try several times to talk with her, to no avail. But having Craig and Jordy and Steph was also wonderful, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Jordy and Steph were her until nine last night, they were doing their laundry...it was just an awesome day. All of us took a walk down memory lane, looking at old photos, and school papers and we all laughed alot...digging out old things really brings a family closer, you know? My mom was unable to be here, and that made me sad. She was having a really bad day. I worry.

So today, I'm here, doing what I do best, submitting resumes. And submitting the federal and state taxes, have I mentioned that I hate the IRS? And looking for xanax...good heavens. Out.

The wonder of it all

It's Friday, again. Holy crap, am I in a time warp? I wonder now how I had the time to work...it seems that my days are full and busy, and over so quickly. However, my main job right now is finding a job, and that does take a LOT of time.

Things in that department are looking up, I have had a couple of promising interviews, and I have a couple more next week. Any of them would be fine, I'll take whatever if I can live on the pay. I have realized that I am quite full of shit and can write a bullshit letter with the best of them; I applied for a job with the state, and somehow, SOMEHOW, I have made it through the first couple of hoops that are required to jump through. Now, this job that I am talking about would be a dream job, and frankly, there is no way I have any clue what the hell they are talking about when it comes to the actual job---I know nothing about overweight semi trucks or the intrastate commerce that comes from a whole pot of acronyms that the state of Iowa just loves to use, but I did receive a letter from them, wanting me to outline my understanding and experience with such....and I wrote a killer letter. Let me tell you, there is no way I am going to hear from them again, but I was proud of my success in writing it. I sounded like an intelligent woman, which in the middle of real life, you sort of forget you are. So, there goes two hours of my life, I will never see again....teehee.

Life in our house has settled into a routine, one of us goes to the Ice Cream Store, the other stays home and does the job search thing or Mark works on the house. We have put a for sale sign in the front yard, that makes me feel a little strange. I avoid looking at it, which is odd, I am the one who wants out of this town so badly, but the very idea of someone else living in my house is a bit hurtful.

The Ice Cream business has not been good, but hell - the weather this year is NOT conducive to eating frozen ANYTHING...will spring ever arrive? Yesterday we had tornadoes in the area, today it will snow....what a weird year for weather.

I will have to post a photo of CrazyDog, we had her shaved yesterday...and she looks so cute. She is NOT happy however, last night she protested, ALL NIGHT LONG. It is so much fun to live with a crazy animal, it certainly provides entertainment.

Hope you all have a great day---I will catch you later. :)

ICQ (Ice Cream Queen)

And we're back to some semblance of normalcy today: I am once again, slinging Ice Cream. Woo Hoo! And yes, there is a little bit of sarcasm there, but really, it will be good.

Missed a couple of calls yesterday, how can I sleep through my telephone? I have the volume turned up...so I don't know any more than I did, but my phone is at least ringing. One wanting an interview...the other? No message. I will keep you all posted.

I'm off...Late already, once again. A wonderful way to start my new Ice Cream Career. Mark is sick, and if I let him live, he may die anyway. Hack hack, cough cough, snort snort. Help me!

Have a good Thursday! :)

Wednesday, I feel better just for spite

Good Morning.

I did survive the shopping, and I got several new things. I cannot tell you how much I detest going into a store, looking for anything that might appeal/work/suffice...and then lugging it around until you have to go into that little room, get nearly bare-ass naked with all of those damned mirrors there, and try this one on, then that one on, and oh-hey-will that one work with this? Ugh. But I managed and survived. I will look somewhat professional on my interview today.

I have been severely spoiled these past years, and have not had to wear business clothes at my job. Most days, jeans were the item of choice, as I never knew if I would be in the front or the back, and dress clothes in the service department really, really didn't work. Since my recent back and neck issues, I have been told my my Dr to never wear heels again, and that too, makes looking professional very difficult. I did buy some shoes, one with a tiny heel, I cannot put on a suit with a completely flat shoe. I cannot.

So, it's back to the city today, for an interview for me. Then it's back to the city tomorrow, for a tour of a facility that Mark and I have applied to manage, together. Too much driving. So far, no journey's in the works for Friday, and that would be unusual, most interviews don't happen on Friday.

Wish me luck. Have a good day. Later.

You better be, good to me

Another Friday - holy crap, I cannot keep up. This week has been nothing short of screwed up, but still, I would think I would do a better job of keeping up with all of it.

I managed to get a huge mess in my house straightened out yesterday; now my office is somewhat organized. I can at least find the bills I can't pay. I had kept an amazing amount of crap in my work office, it was somewhat like the way it works at home, when you have been at the same place for so long, you drag half of what you own from home. With every box that I packed before I left there, I was more stunned at the amount of junk that had accumulated. I had so many pictures in frames that just those took up one whole, huge box. Pictures of my kids, pictures of my nieces, pictures of those I worked with that were taken at various parties over the years...I had a huge bulletin board on the wall, full of cards and letters and sentimental shit. I had one whole wall covered in framed sprint car photos...there were vases from flowers, lots of personal items, blowdryer, hairspray, etc. I kept all of my own financial information there, all of the Ice Cream Store info there, I still had many, many records from the racetrack there, I had all of Bill's personal financial papers there...and all of this had to come home with me. I had to find a place for all of it in a house that is already overflowing with junk...ack!

And speaking of junk in my house, this is a good time to make a huge, HUGE dent in that, as well. We are having a giant garage sale at the end of April, and I have enough crap to fill three garages, all by myself. Janelle and Bill and his family are going to have things to put into it, also. So much of what I have to get rid of is too good to throw away, but no longer wanted by me. Finding a place to donate these kinds of items around here is a real problem, so I will happily sell/give away all of it to anyone interested. Garage sales are very popular here. I have never been able to understand why, but they are. It costs so much to throw things out these days, in a lot of cases I would be happy not to have to pay to have someone haul it off. Note to kids: Get what you want out of my house within the next couple of weeks, after that, it's subject to sale or being pitched.

I also went grocery shopping yesterday---can you believe it? I know, I couldn't either. I am not good at grocery shopping, usually I don't give a thought to price, I just buy. Yesterday, I acted like I was on my last dollar, and I was in slight sticker shock at the price of everything - holy shit! Then, it was late by the time we were finished, and the idea of having to drive all the way home, put it all away, then cook, was more than I could bear. So, we went to McDonald's. MCDONALD'S! They have a dollar menu, who knew? I ate a hamburger. A HAMBURGER. I don't eat meat, and haven't for more than 15 years, and I ate a hamburger. I figured, 89 cents...I am poor now, what the hell. You know what? I liked it. It tasted like my childhood. I wouldn't want to make a steady diet of them, and my stomach was begging me to never do it again, but it was good.

That was my exciting day. I spent the rest of it online, applying/looking for jobs. There are a few out there that I am interested in. Not too many...and it would help if I knew where we were going to live. My resume has been posted on a couple of websites for a few days now, and I have gotten several calls from sales type positions, Farm Bureau, a couple of life insurance outfits, but I am not interested in sales. I want to go to a place everyday, work my scheduled hours, go home. It will be interesting to see how many of those kind of jobs are actually out there, and whether I will actually be able to just WORK somewhere, without wanting to run it, and tell everyone else how to do it. Hah! I am my own worst enemy.

And just so you all know, I am making the financial picture out to be worse than it is, we are not ready for the bread line quite yet. We have adequate money to keep us going for awhile, but the thought of using what we have in savings is a little scary. So don't pass the hat for me quite yet, okay? Maybe in a week or two.

Have a great Friday. Love to you all. :)

The latest in a sad, sad tale

Funny, now that I have the time to actually write here, it seems I have little I want to say, or maybe it's just that I don't know how to write about the things that matter the most to me. Our lives here have been turned completely upside down, and I honestly don't know what to do or how to go about it.

Mark went into the dealership yesterday, as he was supposed to, to count parts that will be returned for Bill. Prior to Tuesday, he was helping out in the back, mostly being the interim service manager, and also covering the lube tech's job. On Tuesday morning, he was relieved of both duties and told he could leave. He told Mr. Parts and Service director that he might as well get started on counting the parts they had put in the back shop, as Bill has told him it would have to be done before the sale of the dealership closed, and because they were committed to paying him, he would rather be paid to DO something. On Wednesday when he returned, he was told to leave. He was not wanted there, he was no longer allowed in there, they did not trust him and that the parts would all have to be recounted, anyway. Wtf?

I was not surprised, as after I left on Tuesday evening, I seriously expected that they would not want him anywhere near. However, the area that he works in, is way out of the way, and no one would have any reason to go back there, unless they were wanting to harass him. And that's just what happened. To imply that he was doing something wrong, that he would ever lie about anything really, REALLY scalds me. If any of you knew Mark, you would know that he is a man of such integrity, such honesty that any implication of any wrong doing is utterly ridiculous. It pisses me off to such an unbelievable degree...In the end, although they knew that he was there as a direct order from Bill, and although they cannot fire or let anyone go until the sale is completed, it did not matter to them. They told him the get out and stay out. I'd say they are a little pissed off at me, don't you agree?

Sadly, I don't know how any of this will play out, but I do think that Mark will be the loser in the whole deal. They do HAVE to pay him until the completion of the sale, but you and I both know they won't, and I'm not sure what recourse we will have. Small claims court, I would assume. Bill knows about all of this and is in contact with his lawyers, but for him to make a huge stink over all of it is a bit over the top but he says he will. For the life of me, I cannot understand WHAT this guy is doing. He is buying a business that was up for sale, obviously, there should not be any problem in doing that. It takes a few weeks for General Motors to approve the sale, and this is not his first rodeo, so he knows that, too. All he has to do is bide his time, until that is finished. Then he can do things any way he wants to...but to make such a mess of everything now, to stir up such trouble now...to act the way he has with me, which I realize is not that big a deal, but he KNOWS that Bill has left me to handle all of it, so to act the way they did with me, was actually acting that way to Bill, the guy you are buying the business from. Does that make sense to you?

So, it was a good birthday. Not. We did have lunch with two of the kiddos in the city...and it was nice. I cried alot, so I'm sure that set the tone to a bit off, for a bday celebration. Ah, who cares, being 48 is really not much to celebrate. I vote that from 45 on, the birthdays go the opposite way...so eventually, we'll all end up being 21 again. My most wonderful kids got me a photo printer, and I'm excited to get that hooked up to my puter. Speaking of puters, there has been a whole lot of switching of them around here, and the one I am now using is the one I had at work. At least I will be able to get my home office organized, as I have ICS things, Bills things and my own scattered from here to there. Today, that is my mission. And I'm happy to have a mission, as I have little else..until I can get my head on straight, it's just one foot in front of the other. And I'm afraid even that will be too much for me.

I hope your Thursday is great. I don't have a 12 hour day - like I always have on this day. In fact, I don't have a day at all..., this is too much for me to get my head around. No job, no work, no job or work for Mark---somehow that doesn't compute. I knew that we would both be looking for work, that is not a surprise, but the way it has been done, the abruptness of the whole thing leaves me flabbergasted.

Since I'm obviously feeling like hell this morning, I posted a photo of a way happier time for me, one that I took in San Diego a few years ago. I'd like to be back there, right about now. Have a good day.

It had to be you...

This time change is really kicking my ass. Well, that and all the issues going on around me, as I was up for many hours with stomach pain last night.

So...Janelle is home and I'm happy to have her. She is not all that happy to be back in this ice ridden state, and is preparing to go back to NC in a few weeks. She has alot to accomplish first, and it's going to take real work to get back there. I understand how she feels and support what she wants to do. She looks like my old daughter once again, and that certainly is a plus. The time away accomplished what she needed it to.

Early yesterday morning, my plans changed and I ended up going to the city to be with my mom during her surgery. Once again, she was sent home without it, as they generally felt her health was too poor. I took that as a sign that she is NOT supposed to have this damned thing done at this time. I have had really bad feelings about it in the first place, in fact, no one felt good about her having it done right now. I certainly want her back to be fixed so that she can live a little, but she is not doing well at all right now, and I was quite happy that they were not willing to take the risk. I want her out of pain, but I want to keep her around a while longer, too.

Work is an awful and upsetting mess. I was only there from eight until eleven yesterday before I left for the hospital, but that was long enough for me to know that I cannot keep this up for much longer. My only concern is trying to teach my job to the girl that is taking over, and I am not sure how much I will be able to accomplish before I have to leave. I have not had ulcer pain like I have now for years. I wish I could just let it all roll off of me, but this is apparently too near and dear to my heart to not feel it all. I'll keep trying.

It is supposed to be almost warm today---in the 50's! The ice and snow are just about gone, maybe in another day or two. I am so ready for spring this year, I can't even tell you. I don't remember a winter like this one, ever. Good riddance, I say.

I hope you all have a great Tuesday. I will catch you all later.

I went to a Garden Party

I overslept by an hour, hmmm...think it has anything to do with the time change? I HATE the way that congress dicks around with our time. Like we don't have enough problems with TIME in the first place, why must they take another hour from us? Please don't tell me they give it back in the fall, I am well aware of that...but if you are going to try and save time, then I feel like that hour should at least come back to us with some interest...perhaps another twenty-four hours attached to it?

I worked on tax shit yesterday until I had the headache from hell, then I was on the phone for well over an hour with my little sister. By the time that conversation ended, I had a true migraine headache. I don't believe I have had one of those for at least twenty years, wth?

While on the marathon phone call, it was decided that she and her family along with my older sis will be here the weekend of our Mom's birthday, arriving on the 21st. I am looking forward to that, and I know that our Mom will be happy about it. Because I'm certain that Mom is not up to that many house guests at once, the younger sis, her husband and my littlest niece will stay here with us. That will be fun---my three year old niece Carli is a trip, and so much fun to be around.

It's a wonderful Monday again. I am not in the mood this morning for the bullshit happening at work, and I fear that my mouth may just overload my backside. It is my intention to keep my head down and mouth closed, but you all know what happens with good intentions. Mark has to leave in the early afternoon to go pick up Janelle in KC, it seems without him around to for me to vent to, I don't stay nearly as calm. Does anyone have a xanax?

Happy Monday to you all.

Ah... the excitement

Yesterday was not the day I thought it would be, but it turned out okay. Janelle was not able to make it home, there was snow in Atlanta, and that is the main hub that Delta uses....as a result, she was bumped until Monday. I read that she wasn't unhappy about it at all on her blog, so I guess it's all good. Mark or Craig will have to pick her up late in the day on Monday, so I will not have to go all the way to Kansas City, something I'm not unhappy about.

So we spent a good part of yesterday with my Mom, and it was good to see her. She is better than the last time, her bronchitis/pneumonia is gone, and they have now scheduled her surgery for Monday. Hell. Everything is happening on Monday. I don't see how I can be there, both Mark and I cannot be away from the garage at the same time, or there would be no one to take care of the service department. That also screws up the plans I was hoping to have for Wednesday, my birthday. So, anyway, I don't know. But I was happy to see my Mother, it has been too long. I can tell that she is really, REALLY not well. I had better see her now, while I can. It could be too late before long. After that, we went to the grocery store, my favorite place in the world---not. I sat in the car and read while Mark went in and shopped, isn't he the best? The rest of the evening was spent sleeping. Such total excitement...

Today I have to work - from here - on taxes for several people and gathering numbers and receipts for the Ice Cream Store. I have carried all of that home now, and I have file boxes in my dining room/office and I have to get it all put away in the new file cabinet that we bought yesterday. I cannot stand the clutter. So, it will be a boring day, but I plan to get alot done, and I certainly have plenty to do. It's hard to handle all of it from here, I have always kept the record for all the business's in my office at work, so this is new. I already have two file cabinets here, full of old records from the race track, so what's a few more?

My race is on early today, it's in Atlanta. I hope the snow quit-it was snowing yesterday when they were trying to qualify.

So, these are my plans. What are you all doing today?

Have a good day.

And another one's gone...

Our best salesman quit yesterday. He is a man of integrity, so it came as no surprise. And another one bites the dust...

Friday! Woohoo! I don't work tomorrow! Can I get another Woo and then a Hoo? I must make it through this day, and then two days away from the hellhole. Tonight, "I have to get my drink on", to quote Pearl, the most adorable three year old ever, (from an internet video that was made by Will Ferrell).

And maybe by tomorrow, I can start to feel better. Maybe after a time away from there, I can begin to understand what is happening there, because all I can see right now is the death and devastation that the new regime has brought. Bill, previous owner, says this is the way the business is moving in general. I can't disagree with him. But I don't have to like it. I don't have to choose to work in that sort of environment, and while I am the first in line for high grosses, you'll not find me being outright deceitful to get them. Sales is enough of a mind game, enough of a show of oneupmanship all by itself. The high that comes from playing the game should be enough, if you are good at what you do. We all still have to live with ourselves, look at our own face in the mirror each morning. Has that become a thing of the past, too? And so, it is with a heavy heart that I go to work this morning. We only had two salespeople - both good men, families to provide for, and good at what they do. Both made good livings there. They are/were dedicated to their jobs, and genuinely cared about the customer, as well as their own pockets. I expect the other one won't be far behind on the "don't let the door hit you in the ass" trail.

Others that work there, are considering leaving, too. I am surprised at the behavior of one employee, as that person has apparently sold their soul to be a part of the new plan. It's funny what a little smoke up the proverbial skirt can do to a person. I think the new guys will be left with three, maybe four, employees. And I wouldn't be surprised if that's what they wanted all along. But like I have been told by someone that is smarter than me "forget it, don't worry abut it, just do what you have to, and let it go". I'll get right to work on that. Have a good day.

Bullet post

When things get really rough for me, I don't want to talk. I never have. It all becomes like a brain overload, sort of in a word jumble format. So, we'll leave it at that, okay?

• I did manage to find just the right birthday gift for my mom, at least I think I have found it, I ordered it online, and it's not here yet. She is so tiny and hard to buy for. She wants a new robe but it cannot be a long robe, she wants a short one. When you are only around 5 foot nothing, all robes are long. Victoria's Secret had one that I think may work, so that made me happy. And I found very cute pajamas too, in size extra small petite. Yea me!

• Mark had a job interview yesterday with a headhunter. He personally knows the family that owns the business that is looking for a GM, and told Mark that he would fit in there perfectly. I am praying that this is the "one". I would feel so much better if one of us had something happening in the job department. It would be such a great job, that I wouldn't have to work too much for awhile, and right now, not working too much sounds like pure heaven.

• The ice cream store begins the "Let's do lunch" program today. It is not officially open, but on Thursdays, we deliver lunch to a nearby factory. So, it all begins today. My oldest son has it all under control, he is doing well. In just about three weeks, we will be open for business.

• Guess what? I still have no coffee filters, but I didn't cry about it. I was too worn out to stop anywhere on the way home, just getting through the door turned out to be a big enough problem.

Have a good day.

Arm wrestling, anyone?

I am out of coffee filters. I was out of coffee filters yesterday, and guess what? They did not magically appear anywhere in my house when I was not home. I think you have to go buy coffee filters if you want more. The mere fact that I have none in the house is not a catastrophic problem, or wouldn't be, if I were not already falling apart. But this morning, having no coffee filters in the house made me cry. Strangely enough, not having them did not prevent me from having coffee, as my pot actually has a built in filter, and I only use the paper kind not to have to clean that damned basket of coffee grounds every day. But the fact that I hadn't given it a thought all day long yesterday reduced me to tears, in my own kitchen, at three am. And this is just more proof friends, that I am a complete whack job. As if any of us needed more proof.

I am officially to join the ranks of the unemployed in a couple of weeks, I spoke with BJ yesterday and delivered the news. I also gave him a recommendation on a replacement for me, someone that works there already, and who I feel is easily trainable. Well, somewhat easily trainable, as NO ONE is when it comes to GM accounting. But she already gets the whole idea of the business and that is more than half the battle. I am not certain yet that he will listen to what I think, as he really, really, REALLY doesn't like me, and after our conversation yesterday, he now has even more reason to feel that way. He was visibly upset with me, although wouldn't say that, when I asked him why he was so mad. He of course, argued that he wasn't...okay, I guess I didn't really see the steam coming out of your ears there, buddy. I know this is only the third day of the new regime, but having to watch what is happening to my place is excruciatingly painful. Please excuse my language but the current word that comes to mind is clusterfuck- the whole place has turned into a huge clusterfuck. No one has any idea what's happening, no one makes any decisions, no one knows who to ask for said decisions, and who loses? The customers of course.

I actually watched a customer be strong armed yesterday, into buying a car she could not afford, and a payment that was hugely different than the one she wanted. Which I know happens everyday in our business. No one wants a payment over $250, and that is not realistic. Everyone leaves with a payment closer to $400 or more, and if they really want to buy a car, then they have to come to grips with reality. But this is not what happened yesterday, this is not what I mean when I say strong armed. This was done deceitfully, things were not disclosed, and when she complained and wanted to leave, they brought in the big boys. That has never happened in my place, and seriously, I couldn't believe my eyes. If you don't want to really buy a car, do not stop into this place of business, as you will not leave without one. Yep, this is happening all over the country -- it is the way of the business now. I get that. I just don't have to be a part of it. And in a small town like ours, I wish them the best of luck. There is not enough population to keep new folks coming in, and repeat business will now be a thing of the past. Whatever, BJ Darling, whatever.

So, I came home last night, had a couple of brown bottles, and went job hunting on line. Hmm..I am now wondering who I applied to, and I only had two! I am not sure that semi-drunk job hunting is in my best interest, particularly when I am pissed off at the current job. This morning, I woke up knowing that I am no where near ready for that, mentally or otherwise. I am completely unprepared for the mental aspect of job hunting, and I had better get with it. I will not be able to draw unemployment, as HE already told me no way...not if I quit. Asshole.

So, today I get to go back to the place that has been my whole life for so many years...the place that now feels like a prison...the place where even as recently as a week ago, everyone there felt like my family...the place where I am now treated like the idiot child. I don't know how much longer I can take this. And yet, I will not back out on my promise, or on the person that I love and will now have to train to do my job. Heaven help me. Later.