Life update

Okay, so this another one of those times that I want to start a new blog post, but I am not sure how to jump in. Once again, events have occurred that are not my doing, but affect me greatly. Once again, a child of mine has behaved less than beautifully, and now has a steep price to pay. Once again, a sleepless night, a day full of worry and helplessness. My child is by no means the only one at fault, but is left holding the bag for everyone involved. Once again, I know how to make the problem go away, but cannot make this adult child understand that's the only option. Once again, I lay awake, knowing that nothing that I say or do will change any of it, and I am left with merely trying to keep my-own-self from destruction.

My new job is very stressful. At this time, I can't say whether that's only me---making it that way, or if the whole place is that stressed out. I feel fairly certain that it will eventually be okay there - but to say that this past week has been a breeze would be a lie. I have two women working directly for me---right, I know - a piece of cake..after all, in the past I have had more than ten times that amount report directly to me. However, the dynamic in this place is way different than what I am used to. First of all, I am the boss, and I have no clue about how things are done there. So, the two who do, have to spend all of their time showing me. Not a good way to begin. Then, I find out that the one that has to spend all of her time helping me, once had my job and couldn't do it----and was asked to step down. So, no wonder she has a chip on her shoulder large enough for me to crawl into. Personally, if I were in her shoes, there is no way I would stay in that place, but both of these women are long-term employees and not going anywhere. Neither of them appear to be smart enough to worry that leaving me hanging will not be good for them, not in the long run. But hey - whatever...at this point, I can take it. If the other things in my life do not settle down soon though, it could get ugly. Physically, doing this job is all that I can manage right now. I get to work by seven-thirty and nearly crawl back up to this apartment around five and I cannot hardly make it across the floor. This is not a physical job, and my exhaustion and severe pain are not completely understood by me, I mean - I know I have health issues but this is ridiculous. All I can do is hope that physically I become used to it...and mentally I can do it---and by that I mean put up with all the bullshit. Because this is the only option for me, and because it just makes sense...it has to work. I will manage, somehow.

At home, no progress is being made. That is my fault, as I just don't have the strength left in me to even be nice to Mark, let alone try and pull this relationship out of the toilet. We had plans to actually spend time together yesterday, you know - like doing something fun---as if either of us could recognize fun---but they were messed up by the events I started this post with. We did see alot of each other this past week, but it's easy to see, none of it was enjoyed or even wanted... by either of us I would say, but we had necessary reasons to be together. So, where this is going is also unknown to me right now.

Other than that...I'm doing well. I am actually looking forward to a quiet day alone. Well--mostly alone as I am sure I will see a kid or two at one time or another. Happy Sunday. :)

First impressions

So, I began working again yesterday. I really liked it. The place is not so different from what I am used to..and as far as I have to deal with everyone there, I do believe I will like everyone. I have many challenges ahead, as things are really messed up---the woman that I am replacing has made a mess of everything...but I will get in straightened out in time. Seriously, after only one day, my impression is that this is where I belong...but let's talk about it in a day or two, okay? One thing I am no longer good at is this morning routine thing...I am completely out of practice at getting my butt up and out the door at a certain time. That one's going to take some reconditioning.

As far as everything else goes, it's all pretty much completely dicked up. Enough said. Later.

Too many questions, too much time.

Today is Sunday---the 15th of February. It is the date of the Daytona 500, the first "official" Nascar race of 2009. It is also the day after Valentines day, and the day before I start my new job. It is more importantly, my second day of living alone. What I thought would be easy has turned out to be much more than that. This is not easy, it's lonely. There, I said it---admitting that does not come easy to me. I want to need no one, but find that I might and this fact is distressing to me. But it is only day two. I have had no life of any kind for months now, and what used to be a compliment to my life became the central focus, and I do not believe any relationship can stand up to that kind of scrutiny for very long. No one person should have to be a lifeline for anyone else, that's a huge undertaking that even Superman would tire of quickly. I have not been the clinging vine that those words bring to mind, but rather the resentful shrew purposely not waiting at the front door. But there has been a smile on my face. No one could accuse me of being a bitch. I have this uncanny ability to put the pressure on, even while doing something as mundane and helpful as cooking dinner. The unspoken word here, with my children and those that are close to this family, is that Jamie is the one that wants it this way...Jamie is the one who pushed him out the front door. I would like to set the record straight here, if you all don't mind. Jamie wanted it as much as Mark did. Perhaps Mark wanted it more, because I must tell you all, that had there been one word uttered during the packing and hauling, Jamie would have broken down and said, NO. But I didn't do that, because he didn't hesitate. This was not a war of wills, it was done out of necessity, to hopefully preserve what we have left. To hopefully regain some of the respect, desire, and fun of what we used to be together, because there is none of that left. Is that even possible? After almost fifteen years together, is it possible to feel anything like it once was? I know that kind of time changes people, obviously we cannot be the same as we were back when we first met. I don't expect that, but I do expect to like each other again, to look forward to time spent together. Maybe I just am incapable of the long term, as my first marriage broke up in just about the same time frame. Maybe I have unrealistic views of what life truly is supposed to be. But I am struggling here, with all of these questions. The doing is over, and I am trying hard not to give in to what's easiest, to keep this separation going so that something can be gained. To give it up now, because the newness of the situation is painful, would not accomplish anything. Most certainly, within days, we would be right back where we were, just the day before yesterday. And honestly, it makes no difference, as this whole mess depends on two of us, and I don't know where he is in all of it. Too many questions...too much time.

And yes, I finally start my job tomorrow. I am ready to go, but apprehensive. This has to be right for me...I can't take anything else being wrong. Wish me luck.




Oh--and I did get flowers yesterday for the big V---they aren't the usual white roses, but I feel certain these meant more. They were from my beautiful daughter. :)

No rap sheet here

Good morning - I only have a minute to tell you all that I survived yesterday, although it was so LONG, I was not sure I would. Not the fault of the job, it's the one and a half hour commute - leaving at six in the morning, returning at almost ten at night is not something I can do for very long. The job itself is good, although I am so very lost. That will get better with time.

The apartment that we want IS still available, so Mark spent a good portion of his day dealing with applications, and good heavens...they want a lot of information! So, I assume that once they see that we do pay our bills and realize that we are not serial killers with priors, it should become ours. I don't think I will know that until the end of the week. In the meantime, think of me, the OLD and TIRED lady.

Have a wonderful day.