Just shoot me

So many things that I really shouldn't discuss here. SO MANY. No one ever said I shouldn't but it's hard to air all the laundry in public, you know?

Dammit. Who cares?

The person that shall remain nameless at work is on my last nerve, no---not the one you might think. A written warning is in order, and then she will be out of there. Too many absences, too much drama. They already think I am a bitch, so why not?

A year ago right now, I was in Las Vegas with all of my family. It was the last hurrah for my marriage, and to think now that I have been living/feeling this way since then makes me sad. I am missing a person that was there with us, even though I hear from her occasionally. She is no longer a part of the twosome equation with my youngest, and I miss her. I can see that he is now happier, that the girl he is with now makes him happy, and of course, that makes me happy, too. But that does not mean that I don't look back at the earlier relationship with sadness. I have never been very good at letting go, and I am struggling with it now. Yes, I know how stupid that sounds...I mean, it was his relationship. I am trying to find that middle ground with her---and I think maybe I can. We never discuss him, of course, it's against the rules. And I honestly do like his new girl, I am getting to know her, she seems to honestly care about him, and she is a little cutie. Ahhh...like I don't have enough of my own problems.

My oldest son has gotten himself in a bit of a financial situation, involving a very expensive speeding ticket. Great.... My daughter is having a hell of time with her life, and there is nothing I can do. She only tells me enough to make me worry, and their money issues are overwhelming.

And a very happy Friday to you all, too!

The way we were

I am so very tired this morning. We worked hard yesterday, although we barely made a visible dent in all that needs doing. The insides of all the file cabinets are organized though, and there is about forty pounds of useless paperwork sitting in a garbage bag waiting to go to the burn pile at Mark's brothers place. I cannot tell you how good it made me feel to get rid of so much paper...some of which I have been carrying around for ever. I also cannot tell you how surprised I am that so much of the paperwork made me cry...and that is a reaction I didn't really think about or plan on. When I left the old dealership, back in March of 08, I pretty much packed up what was in my desk drawers without going through any of it, there just wasn't that much time. I had been sitting at that desk for eleven (?) years...and of course, when I went through it all I found eleven years of my life. Cards from Mark addressed to the love of his life...pictures of the kids at various ages, art work from the boys high school assignments. Photos from basketball games and football games that the boys played in. Of course, photos of various Christmas parties from the job over the years, pics of employees kids as they grew...on and on and on. And then of course, there were the cards from about a million vases of flowers from Mark, Janelle and my mom. Birthday cards from my mom...just seeing her perfect, distinct handwriting makes me cry. Years and years of a life that was....and I can't help but wonder what this life that is has in store.

Of course we packed up the pics from the frames from all over the house and on the walls. I am surprised how many Mark wanted, I don't know why. I guess it stands to reason that they are his memories, too. Our wedding album, in it's box..full of photos of two very much in love, starry eyed younger versions of ourselves, with actual happiness and hope in both of our eyes. Yes, I cried, and so did he. It's helpful to know that this relationship is not all the way over, perhaps it can be repaired. We are the best of friends and for now, that helps. Not knowing what the future holds makes it hard to see how that will play out but for now, it does make the blow a bit easier.

After we did all that we were emotionally up to, we went to dinner, just he and I. Sadly, I couldn't remember the last time we did that, we go out frequently, but generally with one, two, or twenty-seven kids along for the ride. It was a good evening.

I couldn't sleep at all once I got in bed. Too much alcohol for one thing, although I didn't have that much, I just can't take it very well anymore. And way too many memories running around upstairs. Today will be rough, there is so much work to do.

On a much happier note, the Ice Cream Store is now history. That makes me happy. I wish the new owners the best of luck. :)

Happy Sunday friends. I'm out.