My chicken tail...chicken tale...do chickens have tails?

The past few days around here have been a mixture of emotions and chaos. And I'm talking about me, not the rest of those being affected by the tragedy that surrounds everything. I keep having to remind Jordan and Steph to step back, take a breath, realize that while you are about as close to this as you can be without it being you...it still hasn't happened TO you. Those are good words for me to remember as well...why is it so easy to give advice to others, and so damned difficult to follow your own? I have not in the least allowed myself to be sucked in, and yet the sadness and worry that surrounds my heart right now is unexplainable.

There have been many things in my life that have had to change or be put on hold as a result of all of this: One, I rescheduled my insurance test, as somehow I apparently agreed to watch the remaining two babies during the funeral. That is entirely possible, trying to understand Steph on the phone - or in person, for that matter - when she is upset is nothing short of impossible. At first, when I was told that I was being counted on to do that, my response was, "I can't do that, I have this test, and you all don't know if the funeral will be Tuesday or Wednesday..." After a conversation with my sister and one with my heart, I felt like an ass, as I DID stand in their apartment and offer any kind of help, whatever I could do. So, they come up with something that I actually can do, and I tell them no. It didn't take me long to reschedule at that point, the problem is, I think it was too late, so I get to pay double for the privilege of taking the damned test. Ugh. And, in theory, that will give me extra time to study, although I have yet to pick the book up since Sunday. The idea of spending an hour or two alone with two babies bothers me, I have to admit I have not been a baby fan since our own baby tragedy last winter. I have held these babies since then, but it has done a funny thing to my heart....and maybe, it will help, who knows? But it honestly is the least I can do.

My kids have been around here all the time since all of this...one or the other, or another. Or all. It has been good, but draining. I think that Steph has improved some in the past twenty-four hours, I was becoming quite worried about her mental state. I did take her yesterday and replace the lost phone, she has been using mine since last Friday, and I'm ashamed to admit I have been rather lost without it. Hers drove away on the hood of some one's car last week, right in the middle of all the tragedy...and seriously, something like that can only happen to her. :)

On a lighter note, last night, I made a down home, kitchen destroying, grease fest of a fried chicken dinner. I had just been talking with Soul recently and she mentioned that she was hungry for fried chicken...well anyway----one thing led to another, and here I was making the chicken, the mashed potatoes, the gravy...all of it. When she and I discussed it, I told her that I would make it more often if it weren't for the noise of the frying...it drives me crazy. Last night, I discovered that not only the noise makes me nuts, but the whole freakin' mess is a nightmare; I must have had grease from one end of this apartment to another. No wonder I don't ever fry anything....And please, the next time I think I might want to cook again the way my mother did, smack me. Although, the men in my life enjoyed it.

My cold has now turned into a sinus thing, no more throat pain, chills or fever, but if I close my mouth I would suffocate. I think a lot of it is allergies, I have never seen a year with so much cotton wood floaty thingys in the air. And before you ask, floaty thingys is a technical term...

Have a good Tuesday. :)

PS....this brightened my day, I could NOT stop laughing out loud. If you are an old "rocker" like me, you will love this:

You better be, good to me

Another Friday - holy crap, I cannot keep up. This week has been nothing short of screwed up, but still, I would think I would do a better job of keeping up with all of it.

I managed to get a huge mess in my house straightened out yesterday; now my office is somewhat organized. I can at least find the bills I can't pay. I had kept an amazing amount of crap in my work office, it was somewhat like the way it works at home, when you have been at the same place for so long, you drag half of what you own from home. With every box that I packed before I left there, I was more stunned at the amount of junk that had accumulated. I had so many pictures in frames that just those took up one whole, huge box. Pictures of my kids, pictures of my nieces, pictures of those I worked with that were taken at various parties over the years...I had a huge bulletin board on the wall, full of cards and letters and sentimental shit. I had one whole wall covered in framed sprint car photos...there were vases from flowers, lots of personal items, blowdryer, hairspray, etc. I kept all of my own financial information there, all of the Ice Cream Store info there, I still had many, many records from the racetrack there, I had all of Bill's personal financial papers there...and all of this had to come home with me. I had to find a place for all of it in a house that is already overflowing with junk...ack!

And speaking of junk in my house, this is a good time to make a huge, HUGE dent in that, as well. We are having a giant garage sale at the end of April, and I have enough crap to fill three garages, all by myself. Janelle and Bill and his family are going to have things to put into it, also. So much of what I have to get rid of is too good to throw away, but no longer wanted by me. Finding a place to donate these kinds of items around here is a real problem, so I will happily sell/give away all of it to anyone interested. Garage sales are very popular here. I have never been able to understand why, but they are. It costs so much to throw things out these days, in a lot of cases I would be happy not to have to pay to have someone haul it off. Note to kids: Get what you want out of my house within the next couple of weeks, after that, it's subject to sale or being pitched.

I also went grocery shopping yesterday---can you believe it? I know, I couldn't either. I am not good at grocery shopping, usually I don't give a thought to price, I just buy. Yesterday, I acted like I was on my last dollar, and I was in slight sticker shock at the price of everything - holy shit! Then, it was late by the time we were finished, and the idea of having to drive all the way home, put it all away, then cook, was more than I could bear. So, we went to McDonald's. MCDONALD'S! They have a dollar menu, who knew? I ate a hamburger. A HAMBURGER. I don't eat meat, and haven't for more than 15 years, and I ate a hamburger. I figured, 89 cents...I am poor now, what the hell. You know what? I liked it. It tasted like my childhood. I wouldn't want to make a steady diet of them, and my stomach was begging me to never do it again, but it was good.

That was my exciting day. I spent the rest of it online, applying/looking for jobs. There are a few out there that I am interested in. Not too many...and it would help if I knew where we were going to live. My resume has been posted on a couple of websites for a few days now, and I have gotten several calls from sales type positions, Farm Bureau, a couple of life insurance outfits, but I am not interested in sales. I want to go to a place everyday, work my scheduled hours, go home. It will be interesting to see how many of those kind of jobs are actually out there, and whether I will actually be able to just WORK somewhere, without wanting to run it, and tell everyone else how to do it. Hah! I am my own worst enemy.

And just so you all know, I am making the financial picture out to be worse than it is, we are not ready for the bread line quite yet. We have adequate money to keep us going for awhile, but the thought of using what we have in savings is a little scary. So don't pass the hat for me quite yet, okay? Maybe in a week or two.

Have a great Friday. Love to you all. :)

Carry on my wayward son

Three am on a Sunday morning, what the hell am I doing up? When I went to bed four hours ago, I was so tired, and so happy that I didn't have to go to work today, because that meant that I could sleep in. And here I am. I am feeling some serious pain in my back, I suppose from the fall a few days ago. Every step I take creates a burning pull on my right side. So here I sit, in front of my computer with a heat pad on my lower back and a whole lot on my mind.

My birthday is this month - on the 12th. Last evening, Mark and I had to go to the city to feed Janelle's fish, yes I know, driving two hundred miles to feed a fish is not the smart thing to do, (I have never claimed to be smart), but while we were there, we went to the mall and did a little birthday shopping----well, actually I did the shopping. Mark dropped me off at Penney's, and I shopped for all of thirty minutes while he ran to Home Depot for a plunger....oh the excitement that is my life. But in that thirty minutes, I tried on what felt like a hundred pair of jeans, and I found the perfect pair. THE PERFECT PAIR. I don't know about you all, but for me, that is HUGE. So, anyway, this most perfect pair of jeans was so perfect, that they only cost $19.99. Did I bring my most perfect jeans home? Why of course not, as they only had them in size 8R and I needed 8L. They had L (long) in every other size of course, and it seemed they had about ten in size 6L, which is the size I have worn for years and years (and should still be wearing), but do you think I could have found them when I was a 6? Ugh...such frustration. And, of course they are such cheap, unheard-of nothing kind of important jeans, made by TINT, that I cannot find them anywhere on line. Double ugh... I have the damnedest time finding jeans. I cannot shop in the junior department for them, I will NOT wear the ones that are cut down to there, and usually the kind that I find in the misses department are made for what I have decided for OLD women, they go all the way up to there, and are not at all in style. I did settle for a pair made my Claiborn, but they are not my most perfect jeans. I have worn DKNY for the past few years, but the style and cut that I love the most is no longer made, and I think I may have depleted the whole stock of them on ebay already. So I will keep searching for them, online, in the stores...but one day I will find them. I did however, make myself feel better by purchasing a new purse, new shoes, and a couple of pair of slippers that were on sale. So, it's okay. And I did all of that in a half an hour, as by the time Mark got back to the store, I was ready to check out. Have I mentioned that I absolutely hate to shop? I could lose the 10-15 pounds that would put me back into my 6's but that seems like a lot of trouble to go to for a pair of jeans, perfect or not, teehee. Seriously, I need to lose some weight, but the motivation is just not there. I must be getting lazy in my old age, I find myself accepting me, the way I am. Who knew?

Well, what can I say about the past few days? To say they have been hard days is a huge understatement. I have been so covered up with work, I cannot even describe it. The mood at the dealership has been tense, but when I think about that, maybe it has been me that has been tense. Friday had to be one of the worst work days I have ever experienced. I had so much to get done, and of course, that was the day that everyone needed me to make decisions or to hold their hand. I eventually blew up (a little) and demanded that everyone take care of it themselves, and that included the owner, and I did manage to get to where I needed to be, by six pm. The floor-plan funding company decided to show up that day and do their usual audit, and of course, that didn't help. I believe that guy was there for four hours. He held up all work that I needed to do---and my frustration grew. In the end, that turned out to be a positive in general, but it certainly wasn't as far as the work was concerned. By the time I left, the place looked like a ghost town, all of my office had been cleared out, along with both of the offices that owner uses. It was depressing, and all I could do to look at it. Most of the employees hung around to have a beer together, but I just wanted out of there...I didn't want to look at it anymore, not that night. The tears were there, but I didn't let them fall.

When I went back in to work yesterday, I had adjusted my attitude somewhat. I am not good with change, I never have been. That's a statement that I am not proud to make; and it's something I feel I need to work on. The fact is-that owner wanted to sell the business, the new owner didn't steal it. It really is best for my friend (owner), and I am happy for him. I am smart enough to know that nothing can stay the same, and my resisting it, or being a bitch about it is not going to help---me or anyone else there. So, I am trying. When the new owner finally arrived, it went well. There are huge changes already being made, but I am trying hard not to take them personally. He did tell me that he wants me to stay, that he needs me to stay. He was clearly distressed about my empty office, and said so. I made no decisions or promises, other than telling him that I wouldn't leave him with no one to do my job, that if I decided to leave, I would allow time to train a new person. I seriously don't know what I am going to do, but I feel in my gut that this is the time for me to leave. I do not want all the responsibility that goes with that job any longer, and I do not want it to be taken from me either. So, either way I lose. It's time for something different, something new. So, we will see. In the meantime, I am aware that there will be many more rough days ahead, but I am trying to make the best of it. Surprisingly enough, we did discover that the new owner (DJ is his name) that we went to the same jr high school at the same time...how odd is that? It was in Moline Illinois---and I thought that was a strange coincidence. I don't know if I like him yet, I do believe he is a hot air windbag that is quite full of himself, although that side of him wasn't the most prevalent yesterday. Time will tell...

My most needy problem at the moment is the Ice Cream store. I have always been able to come and go at the dealership, and run to the ICS to help out, whenever I needed to. It belonged to Bill, the old owner, and of course there was no issue in me doing that. Now that it is going to belong to me, and Bill will no longer be running the dealership, it will not be possible for me to take a day here or there and work at the ICS, or to run from one job to the other all the time. That concerns me-as I am sure that DJ will not care that I have other obligations. For the past two years, Mark has been there, actually doing the work and worrying about all of it. Since he will now be working elsewhere, it is a double worry. My oldest son- Craig- is going to take on the job of managing it, and I know he will do the best job possible. However, he is still only 23 and will need help---and alot of it. He has worked there for some time now, but he has never had it all left up to him. I suppose it will all work out, but I am seeing too much running and work in my future once again, and I am wondering how I will manage it all---and I am just plain tired. It would be so much easier if we could move closer to the store, and we plan to, but we have got to sell this house first. Ahhh..so many things to worry about, and I know the things that need to be done, but before I can do this thing, I have to do that thing....

And now I am hungry. I think I will go answer back to the box of Captain Crunch that is calling my name. Have a good day. :)

Me? I'm just smiling...

I don't know how to tell you what's happening in my life without going on and on...and doing a huge amount of whining. I don't like to whine and wallow in the rough stuff in my life, although none of you have any idea that is the truth. I have been whining for so long, I'm sure you all think that is what I do. It isn't. I don't like the drama that creates whining, I don't like the uncertainty of things that create the fear and wallowing, I don't like any of it. But that's where I am at this point in my life, and I guess if you take me at all, you take it, too. But I do apologize for it, at least I am not oblivious to it.

Whine #1

I cannot get anything done at my job! I go in when we are closed, or stay late or whatever I need to do to get a few uninterrupted hours, and still, STILL, I cannot accomplish anything. Yesterday, in the six hours I was there, I had people everywhere. I knew that Steph was going to be there to do her and Son 2's taxes, that is not what I'm talking about. She came in, I showed her what needed to be done, and helped her when she needed it. That was not an issue. But then the cleaning people showed up, and yes, they are supposed to be there, and the woman that runs the business is a chatty little thing, and no...I could not tell her to shut her yap. As soon as they left, and I breathed a sigh of relief, got settled in to actually finish something, Owner showed up, and didn't leave. He wanted to talk, and wanted me to listen. He wanted to go over the numbers on the buy/sell, and he wanted to do it some more. I cannot tell him to get the hell out, I mean - doing that would not bother me, or surprise him, actually, but he is just in such a state, so unnerved over all that is happening, and like me when things are screwed up, I go to him, and he does the same. I looked at him and felt all the love and years between us, and I couldn't. He did apologize when he left, for taking what he knew was precious time that I shouldn't have been using that way, but I love him. And no, once again, not like that. It is the love of a best friend, a person that I admire in many ways, and want to kill because I do know him so well all the other time. By the time he left, I was past the point of coherent thinking, and I came home. Which leads me to whine #2-

I am so freaking tired, I think I could die from it. I know it's stress related in all ways, when I do manage to sleep, it's only for an hour or two at a time, and then I wake up with bad dreams or just plain worry grumbling in my stomach. Well, that and whatever I have eaten that evening, and twice now - for two nights in a row - I have woke up out of a sound sleep and lost whatever I did eat. Very strange for me, I am not a barfer, and I am wondering if this is a new way of getting my old friend, Mr Ulcer, back. That wouldn't surprise me, it seems at the roughest times in my life, he has shown up to help.

#3

My damned neck is killing me. KILLING me. It too, is probably stress related, although it has hurt like a you-know-what since physical therapy, and that would be the physical therapy that I forgot about and completely blew off last Friday. Yes, it has been confirmed, I am losing my mind. I need to call them and put the rest of it off until after all this shit is over, but I am wondering when that will be.

#4

I talked with Janelle last night, and she was a little down. It worries me, I cannot help it. She has been through so much, mentally and physically, I just cannot help but worry. I want so much for her to be having a good time with her bestest bud, but of course, you cannot leave the baggage at home.

#5

My mom is having a surgical procedure tomorrow, and of course, I feel that I have to be there. She said it isn't necessary, but I cannot go to work and ignore the fact that they are going to put her all the way out, and shoot cement into her spine. She has a complete fracture in her T2 area of her back, and that has been causing all the pain, of course. It's amazing to me that it has taken them all this time to find it, as the bone is completely cracked. No wonder she can't stand up without excruciating pain. Her Dr swears, of course, that she will feel like a new person as soon as they do this, and I am certainly hoping so. But I still worry, she is going to be 73 years old in a couple of weeks, and the Dr's don't feel like she is physically up to regular surgery, so this is the alternative. It worries me more than a little - and I have to be there, for me.

#6

I haven't had the time to even think about finding new employment, and that is worrying the hell out of me. I can't help but wonder who will want a tired, worn out and used up old hag like me. Seriously. I cannot even begin to think that I have any kind of brain power left, and even if I went right back into the same business, there would be new things that I have to learn. That is going to be an impossibility. I am past the point of being able to use my brain. I have financial obligations that are HUGE. I have and still do try to take care of everyone financially, and I am worried that I won't be able to do that anymore. I am uneducated, and have no desire or inclination to become that way. Holy crap. I keep trying to tell myself that things will fall into place, but I highly doubt that a new employer is going to walk into my current place of employment and seek ME out for a high-paying job. "Oh, there YOU are...I have been trying to find you so that I can ask you to come work for me, high pay, little responsibility...you don't even need to think." Yeah, that's happening.

Need I go on? Did I lose any/most of you? Bloody hell....

Have a good day. Smile alot. That's what I plan to do. :)

Oh-and just an FYI---You really shouldn't leave a full box of Cheerios open on the counter in the kitchen when you have cats. :)

The big red V

Holy crap - it's Valentine's day. And I didn't even buy my husband a card. I just woke up to a beautiful valentine waiting for me on the counter in the kitchen, and I didn't even think to buy one for him. Ugh...sometimes I wonder where my head is. Up my rear end, perhaps? Most likely.

I am in the middle of severe cymbalta withdrawals, and I don't know how to handle it. For any of you that don't know, cymbalta is an anti-depressant medication, that also works well for neuropathy. I have been on it for more than a year, and I want to be off all my medications so badly, just to see how I really am. I don't have the severe leg pain that I did before my surgery, although it is coming back to some degree. I am completely off of all other medication, other than a half a pill for pain, occasionally, but getting free of this one is proving to be a huge problem. I already knew that it could be bad, all you have to do is google the name of the drug, and you will find page after page of articles written about the hell of withdrawal from it. I seriously thought I had escaped it all, but no such luck. I am down to half my original dosage, every other day. And I don't think I'm going to make it at this time. I am fairly certain I need an anti-depressant of some kind, and I would be willing to try something else, if I could get in to see my neurologist. But I can't. I have tried, and now I am just making them mad. They do not keep a list of people needing appointments when there is a cancellation - and that makes no sense to me - we even keep a list like that in the service department at the dealership. But they do not, and I cannot get in any earlier. So, after the worst day yet of "brain shocks" that just won't let up, and acting somewhat out of character-ally short with everyone, I give in. I'm going to stay at half the original dose, and hope that is enough to keep they withdrawal away, and yet keep me half sane. The problem is, I will have to face it still - on down the road, ah, something to look forward to, eh?

I start physical therapy for my neck today - can't wait, and that's sarcasm-just so you know. I am sure it's going to hurt like a you-know-what, and I really am not looking forward to it. But, in the long run, I hope it really helps me-and I think it probably will...just getting to that point will be the hard part.

Things seem to be improving around here, little by little. Janelle is feeling more like herself, a little at a time. OS - is doing relatively well. He is helping out at the dealership - we have a detail man shortage, and there is none better than OS. He had that job all through high school and beyond, and he is a master at making a piece of crap car look like new. I'm happy to have him there with me, he's usually pretty good for what ails me. He and H drove all the way to Milwaukee and back yesterday, to pick up a car. It was a pretty uneventful trip for them until they got back into Iowa and ran into what must have been an awful accident, and every car was routed off of I80, through a long detour, and that cost them almost two hours. Poor H was pretty tired when he got home, what should have been a 14 hour day, ended up being more like 16.

My refrigerator is making a really bad noise. Just swell...it's only 18 years old. I suppose it might be time for a breakdown - but I am hoping it waits just a while, and I'll leave the damned thing here when we sell the house.

I think I'd better be extra nice to H today, I am feeling bad for not remembering that this is a special day. He is a good man, a great husband, and generally I'm all for hearts and flowers on Valentine's day. This year, it seems silly --- so many other things happening, so much sadness and heartache everywhere I look. I tell him every day all that I appreciate him for, and that's a list taller than I am. He is the best, and that's all I have to say about that.

Have a very Happy Valentine's Day.

Take these chains from my heart and set me free

Sometimes I don't feel like I am speaking the same language as everone around me---I talk, and I say what I think is very concise, to the point and quite clear. Yet, folks don't listen or I'm off my rocker. It happens in my personal life, it happens in my work life and it happens here, in blogland. From that, I have decided that I am not good at relaying what I'm thinking or feeling, either in words or on paper. It's frustrating. Practice I suppose - but honestly, at my age, is there really a chance that I will get better?

I just received a phone call on the house phone, no one but telemarketers and doctors offices use that number, particularly at three-thirty in the blessed am, but DAVE wanted to know how I am. Who's Dave, you ask? Why, I have no idea. I wasn't the slightest bit happy to hear from Dave, being woke up by a wrong number is no way to start a day that isn't going to be worth a damn anyway.

Tomorrow, we are going to visit both of my sisters, at my youngest sisters house. I need a break, I need to laugh, and Janelle just needs to keep busy. Janelle is very close to my youngest sister--they are not that far apart in age. The difference between them is only ten years, and it's the same between my sister and I. Confused yet? I am very excited because I get to see my youngest niece, she is three, children are good for a broken soul. I am also quite happy to spend some time with my older sister, she is my rock. The only one who has ever understood me, who has ever really "gotten" me, somehow she can make anything feel better. They live about three hours away, but that's not a big deal -- it will be good to go. :)

Today will be yet another day in the nut house. I have had to hang the skull and crossbones sign on my door once again, just to be left alone long enough to get any kind of work done. People at work (for the most part) are very caring and well meaning, and then there are those that come in or stop by to see me, or to have work done on their cars, and they want to talk, and I'm not even mentioning the family that is there right now, sitting in my office, or wanting to help me, or whatever...and the owner...oh my---what has kept me from killing him all these years is beyond me, but recently the urge is stronger than ever. And each and every one of them mean well, they want to know if I'm okay, from my recent surgery to my recent bronchitis/infections, to the most recent heartbreak of monumental proportions and all you have to do is look at me to see that.... and they all have the best of intentions, but I may go postal on someone or all of them soon. Under the best of circumstances, I run an asylum. The inmates are a handfull. The owner is the biggest nutjob on the premises. Usually, I manage with ease and grace and not one feather looks ruffled. Right now, my poor feathers are falling out. Just sayin.

Have a good Friday, or weekend, or whatever. I'll be around maybe later today, or in a day or two. Seems I can't make a decision or keep a promise or date or stay focused on anything long enough to remember what the hell I was supposed to do anyway. And why won't spell check work on blogger these past couple of days? Forgive my spelling errors....good heavens.

I've got Soul

Well, Good Sunday Morning to you all! It's 3:36 in the blessed am, and I am up and heading for the shower. Today, the weather is going to be sunny and nearly warm here - in the forties. (After the deep freeze we have been in, we will all be wearing out shorts!) But where H and I are going, it will be 60 degrees! That is itself is a cause for celebration, but that's not all, because we are driving six or so hours south(ish) to meet Soul and Soulman, who drove six or so hours north(ish) last night. We will have a long lunch and turn around and drive back home, but it will do me a world of good to see my friend, and I know it will do the same for her. Frankly - we need to laugh, and with the two of us, that is guaranteed. :)

That is assuming of course, that once I wake D, all things are still okay. I have a little anxiety at leaving her for so long, but we will be no more than a few hours away. She is nervous about it too, although she wants me to go. My oldest son is coming here later to stay most of the day, and they always have a good time together, so she won't be alone all day.

I want to thank each of you for all your kind words here, and on D's blog. Your encouragement has meant alot to me, and she is really surprised at how wonderful each of you are. I, of course, was not. :) I also need to apologize for not making it to your blogs as regularly as I want to, but after this week, that will change. I have still been working really hard, then falling onto the couch, but I am almost caught up. It's a good thing, too - as the end of January is almost upon us...but I wanted to let you know, that I will be back to read each of you every day like I always have, soon. I have missed so much with you guys---or I have read it, but haven't had the time to comment.

I hope you all have wonderful, peaceful days today. I hope your weather is going to be as beautiful as mine.

And so...

So, I have missed you guys. Alot. But what is happening has not been happening to me, and it wasn't my business to tell. But it does affect everything about me, as does everything about my kids---and grand kids, as the case may be. But since this is now here, you can read what I'm talking about. Go ahead, I'll wait.

So, as you can see - we don't know what's happening now. I too, am paralyzed with fear that she will lose the baby, and yet---I don't want her to save it now, only to lose it later, or to have it when there is no hope of any kind of a normal or happy life for the child. This has been a heartbreaking week for me, to watch the heart of my daughter break, and not really be able to help. I didn't want to tell you all about it until she felt ready to talk---and while I know you all have great advice and perspective, I really just wanted her to deal with it on her own, in her own way. Please understand. And I also know that many, many women find themselves in this position...but this is new to me, and certainly to her. It only takes a second of knowing there is a baby for a lifetime of heartache if you lose it.

But I have missed you all, and I will let you know how it's all going. Don't worry about me, this too--shall not kill me. :)

Ain't no sunshine

I worked from home yesterday and you ought to see my desk - it looks as sad as my office at work! I am a real neat freak but lately, if it has to do with my job, it looks like a typhoon went right through it.

The more I watch the elections and caucus's, the more confused I become. Apparently I am not alone, as no one predicted the correct outcome in New Hampshire.

I slept with a kitty 1 on my head for awhile last night, until I felt the sweetest pat, pat, pat on my cheek. I didn't move, and I just waited. There it was again, pat, pat, pat---so I looked up at him and asked him what was up- couldn't he sleep? Want to talk? He must have, we were awake for awhile together...I'm kidding you guys, I really was already awake, I am NOT that far gone, but close. But it was really sweet.

I am back to the real work world today, back at the garage, owner will be in KC buying cars. In fact, I think H and OS will be there driving them back as well. I no longer look forward to working there, or working in general, I suppose because my future there is over, along with the fact that going to work these days creates more pain. I just know that I want to go back in time when I loved my job and didn't hurt every second of every day.

D has been feeling pretty well, a little nauseated from time to time but nothing horrible. I think that in itself is pretty miraculous - I believe I puked my way from month 1 to 6 when I was pregnant with her. That is something I am happy about, it's hard enough to be in her shoes right now, she doesn't need that to make it worse.

H talked with the realtor yesterday, and the buyers financing has come through just fine. I believe all we are waiting on is the termite inspection, and I know there are no issues there. As far as we know, the rental house is sold. But until I have the check in hand, I consider it for sale. Life has kicked my butt one too many times in the past, and I don't count my chickens or my eggs or whatever the hell the saying is. I've seen lots of cars sell too, only to see the brake lights come on before the end of the driveway....

I need a night out, or a good drunk - although I don't ever drink to that point, so shall I say a good buzz? I need something...to lighten the load just a little. I am feeling rotten, physically and mentally and nothing looks good right now. I often get this way this time of year, so I know it passes, but this year its worse than ever. I am sure it has to do with constant pain in my neck, arms and hands. I am able to walk however, and I feel guilty for feeling less than grateful for that. Perhaps a night on the town would do me some good? It probably couldn't do me any bad. So, with that--

I will talk to you all later. I hope your Wednesday is the best ever!

It's three am, do you know where your worries are?

It's not even three am, and I am awake for the day. Pain in the neck - I'm being literal here- pulled me from my sleep, quite rudely. I would like to say that I am feeling as great as a couple of days ago, but that is not the case. Yesterday was actually quite frightful, as I got up and began my day, only to have the wind completely knocked out of my sails in she shower, and even standing became a problem for the first half of my Friday. After I spent a while uselessly crying about it, I did manage to salvage my afternoon and make it to work to get a few things accomplished. When my surgeon's nurse told me that it would feel like I was making a step forward then two back sometimes, she was right on the money. I suppose I have to say I just don't understand the nature of spine problems in the first place, so it's hard for me to understand the repair and recovery. I really am trying to just go with the flow, but patience has never exactly been my thing. Maybe I will have to have new "things" in 2008? I actually hope not, as the only way to learn patience is to endure issues, and I think there have been enough for awhile.

All kidding and all circumstances of my health aside, it honestly is time for me to make some very needed changes in my life. 2007 taught me that there is way more to life than working and frankly, I am tired. I am fairly certain that part of this decision has already been made for me, as the business that I work for is not sold yet, but I do think it will be in the next month or two. There are a few legal glitches to be worked out but I do believe they will be. I feel fairly confident that all employees there will be fine, all their positions will remain intact, except mine, as the new owner has made it quite clear that he will run the business. Since I run the business now, I see a problem. He may want me to stay around and do the accounting or be the office manager but I am not willing to take a cut in responsibility or pay and I do believe that the two of us would butt heads pretty quickly. I have always believed myself easy to get along with, but perhaps I am not, or I am just resistant to change...but I don't think it's usually very easy for anyone with the position I have had to take a step down and be told how to do it. It doesn't sound like anything I would be good at anyway. So, that may make me not easy to get along with... I don't know. I really don't believe that matters much, because I honestly am ready to take on something less challenging, something less smothering, in a new setting. It's time for us to knuckle down and get this old place sold, move to the city, and be done with small town life. I have had it with all the above. The idea excites as well as scares me. I have been in this house and that job for nearly a quarter of my life, a long time for me. H is ready to take on the major portion of the bread-winning, which he had always done, up until the past couple of years, when he made the move to do what he does now, only for the experience that it has gained him. That combined with his hard-earned business degree should put him in the right place, (assuming that his wife can stay on her feet). His options are endless and I think that idea has him a little overwhelmed, too. It will all work out, but the getting there and not knowing how is just a little (LOT) frustrating. These are the things that run through my mind at night, when I am unable to sleep.

It seems that just when the door closes on one crisis, there is always another to open, funny how life cannot be without at least ONE. Kids and their issues will be the death of me. This one has to have a job, and right now...that one is going to have a baby and things are not going so great with the FOB (father of baby), so old mom here is wondering if daughter will be raising it alone. Not that she can't, hell-it's done every day, but you all know how us mothers are...the third one, well - he seems to be doing pretty well right now, I can't help wondering if I just don't know, I do know that I am up to my neck in trying to keep their cars running...it's always money, money, money. They don't ask me, I do it because I know they can't. That is another reason I have felt that I have had to keep the job that I have, I make quite a bit of money, and my kids need quite a bit. Yes, I know, they're grown. I also know that it's a rough old world out there, and I help them alot. I am honestly not complaining..no one makes me do for them the things that I do. I had little to no help when I was young, and things are so much worse these days. I feel lucky if they are able to make all they owe for the month, and they have been doing that quite well for a while, it's the things that can wreck your budget that I help with, medications that are not covered by insurance (if they have insurance), medical bills, car repair bills, tires---lord that one gets me every time, the cost of tires, and they ALWAYS need tires. That is a huge pet peeve of mine--bald tires. I buy their tires. I still cover a few of their monthly bills for the younger two, I had planned on stopping that this month, but that hasn't happened yet. Like I said, it takes a ton to make it these days. And what about the baby that is coming? Holy crap---that will be an all new world, and obviously she has nothing yet. They are all struggling and as long as I can, I will help. Soon however, I won't be able to do that. Yes, these are the things I lay awake and worry about.

So, what's going through your mind at three am? I'm sorry to bore you all with what's on mine.

Have a good Saturday.

I'm out.

There's no BUSINESS like show BUSINESS

Yes, that was it. This morning's song. Holy cow...will there ever be a good song? Maybe that's a sign that I am in a slump. Maybe the day that I wake up to a good classic rock song or a tried and true country classic will be the day that I know that things are going to take a turn for the better. Van Halen, Ricky Skaggs, Merle Haggard, George Strait, the Eagles...

Yes. I am in a slump. A funk. I have the blues. It's one week before Christmas, and I am trying so hard not to. I know the reason for the season and I am trying to focus on that. Really, I am. But nothing is normal this year. Nothing. It would be so much easier if I felt better, or could even turn my head, for that matter. I am not a narcissistic person, I have done my part for others or I am doing it, even more than usual, and even that isn't helping...I try not to focus on me, because no one should. No one. But damn. Damn. Pain is my friend these days. It's coming back, the old pain...I didn't have alot of it, and now it's coming back. My legs are not cooperating like they were just a few days ago, and yes, that does have me somewhat scared. Perhaps it is because I did too much on Sunday, like H wants to believe. I want to believe it, too. So, I am trying. And shopping online, although it is getting too late to do that now. Tomorrow I go to have the stitches out. Maybe the Dr can tell me why then, and I won't have to be afraid anymore. In any event, I will finish the shopping then. And it will be good to get out of this house, as I have been in since I arrived from the hospital last Wednesday.

Well, this certainly isn't an uplifting post, is it? There are happy things, you know. My daughter is having a baby, as I have already told you. And that still thrills me, of course. I cannot believe it, if you want the truth. It's so early, and there are no outward signs...but I know it's so, of course, but I have to keep reminding myself of that fact. Man, that is going to be so awesome. :) And I have the MOST awesome kitty's in my life these days. I swear, I don't know what I would do, if D had not left them here. God certainly had a hand in that. But then, He always does. My Christmas tree is beautiful...and the kitty's have not bothered it, so far. I am surprised by that. But then, they have not been left alone with it yet. I think that will be the true test.

Have a good Tuesday. :)

ps...just found this little stress reducer. So, if you are a little Christmas stressed...give this a try! :) http://uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/attachments/bubblewrap.swf

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

I woke up ridiculously early this morning, even for me. Pain is getting to be a real problem these past few days, and yes, I do have pills for that, but I only take them after my workday is over, and taking one at two in the morning would be out of the question if I want to act like I have half a brain at work in the morning at eight. My work hours are getting shorter and shorter and my list of things to accomplish before Tuesday grows longer, since I really have no idea how long I will need to be home after the surgery. I really wanted to be here recovering without worrying (yea right) about the job. It seems that I am the one that is going to make that impossible as I am the one incapable of doing what needs to be done to get me to that point. I get really irritated with myself, as I really believe that if I were a stronger person, a tougher person, a more caring, interested, a better person, I would/could do a better job, regardless of the circumstances. Yes, I know, no need to tell me how whacked out I am. I realize that is a stupid thing to say with one part of my head, believe me. But you all need to realize that if I were not that kind of thinker, then I wouldn't have gotten this far in the first place.... Soul tells me all the time, along with others that matter to me, that they would have given up and quit trying to work, among other things, months ago. First of all, I do not have that choice...and perhaps that would make no difference, I don't know. Secondly, this kind of thinking, that I describe now, is what makes me get up and fight, every day of my life, regardless of the pain. Perhaps it is a good thing, perhaps is isn't. Folks say that being strong is good....I am beginning to think it isn't. But what do I know, hell, it's three am, and I am in a huge amount of physical pain right now. :)

Well this blog entry certainly is not going in the direction I thought it would...but onward.

I have gotten several emails from you all wanting to know how you would be updated about my surgery and wanting to know how long I will be in the hospital, etc. I plan to ask my ultra smart, talented, educated, beautiful daughter to post at least once for me while I am in the hospital---once should be more than enough, as if things go right, I will only be there overnight. She will (I'm sure) let you know that I am fine and when I should be home. After that, depending on how I feel, I will be back with you in a few days. I have zero idea what to expect, but I know I will miss you all if I am away for more than a couple of days....

Oh--this is Friday, isn't it? Wake up Jamie, good heavens. I have alot to do today, but then I did yesterday, and I came home around noon, with big plans to get much finished here. Riiight.I took pills for the burning pain, then mostly, I was worthless. We did get around four inches of snow...oh how I don't love snow. I don't even like looking at it...except for maybe on that rare occasion that I don't have anywhere to be, nothing to do...and perhaps on Christmas Eve.

I have busy plans for my weekend, to keep my mind off of my upcoming surgery, or throat slashing, as I like to call it, and no one else wants to hear...but that is what they are going to do...but anyway, I intend to take pills for pain and go places all weekend, then literally work myself to death on Monday, so that by Tuesday, I will be so exhausted, I will just lay down on that table and say "have at me, boys". teehee Come on...you all know that's funny.

I have had the nicest folks, people I didn't even know cared about me come into the garage, or call me AT HOME, to tell me they are thinking about me, and are wishing me well, one even said they would probably see me at the hospital (wasn't thrilled about that one, but what are you gonna do), and it has surprised me so much. It's funny how you don't even know who knows you are alive. I was thinking about that yesterday, and I felt so blessed. Surprised, but blessed. See Mom, people DO like me. ;) Look Ma, no hands.....Geez, go back to bed.....

I just thought I would tell you all I have the best kids in the world. They will all be home on Sunday to put up my tree, and I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to it. :)

This morning, the song was "Hello". You know the Lionel Richie song from the 80's. :)

I hope you all have a great Friday.

Can't dance, too fat to fly

It is the week of Thanksgiving, and I have many, many things to be thankful for. I really am trying to look for the positive right now, and my current predicament is making that a rougher job than usual, but not so hard that I don't see the many blessings in my life. I have so many. And frankly, there is ALWAYS someone, that is in far worse shape than we are, and we never have to look very hard to find them. So I DO feel blessed.

Monday again, but a short work week. I do feel for those of you in retail positions, beginning Friday, I'm sure a new kind of hell will begin. While I'm looking forward to the Christmas season, this year, I really don't know what to expect, with my upcoming surgery. I don't know if I will bounce right back and be able to do as usual, or if I will still be down. I did manage to do some of my shopping online this weekend, grown kids really aren't as fun to buy for as little ones are. I miss those days. I look forward to the day that grandkids are in the picture----maybe----and some of that fun will return. ;)

YS managed to hurt his foot quite badly yesterday morning, and he is in ALOT of pain. Nothing broken, but many tendons and ligaments messed up, he has to wait a until Tuesday and go back to the hospital, in the hopes the swelling goes down, to have an MRI, to see if surgery is in order, good heavens, it's always something with that one. I feel really bad for him, he's hurting severely. I have not talked with him since last night, but I imagine he had a very bad night, and working will be a non-issue, although that in itself IS an issue as he cannot miss work, he is still on probation, as he is new. Sigh. I worry myself to death and it does me no good. Yes, I know, don't tell me not to, there is no way I can stop. So....

It was a very quiet, (and boring) weekend, but I did sleep alot. Not that there is much merit in that. My old saying..."I can sleep when I'm dead" is not doing me any good right now. But I feel rested.

There are two kitty's chasing one another up and down the stairs as I write this, and it sounds like the entire house might come crashing down. This old brick place has been standing for 104 years, do you suppose that two cats can cause it's demise?

Have a good day! Out.

PS.. My title is an old saying of mine, and really doesn't mean anything. It was always an answer I used when I didn't know what else to say. I thought I should clear that one up before the questions were asked.

Row row row your boat

As you all can see, I am late in my posting. That would be because I overslept, once again. Too many pills, I suppose. I am only taking pain medication when I am not at work, although the pain I have to deal with then is becoming pretty hard to bear. I left work early yesterday, all my strength had gone, I couldn't manage any more. I did make a little progress in my work, but i still have miles to go. The problem is that today isn't looking so good - I am not well at all this morning, I have no strength whatsoever. It seems that I can walk pretty well as long as I can take the preceding day off. As the week rolls on however, so does the strength that I have left, and by the end of the week, such as Thursday, then I am a goner. I just slid down the wall in the kitchen, and that was all she wrote. I suppose I will have to call the Dr about a wheelchair today, although it is hard for me to believe this is what my life has been reduced to. I can't even believe that I just wrote that sentence. The only thing that keeps me from digging a hole and jumping in is realizing that if I lay down all day today, tomorrow I would probably be able to walk fairly well. Heaven help me if that ever changes. :(

So, at this juncture, I am going to be here at home, worrying about the condition of my work that is not getting done. The end of the month is approaching fast, how will I ever get it all completed? Too much to think about now...I think I will go lay down. Perhaps I will have more positive things to say later.

I do hope that each of you have great days today, it's almost Friday! Later.

I cannot afford to be a klutz

Good Morning. I am feeling kind of cruddy today, for many reasons. My job is kicking my ass, for one, and i think the business is being sold, to a very arrogant man. He already doesn't like me, but the feeling is quite mutual. So, i will be unemployed after the first of the year. That does scare me because I have spent a major portion of my work life in this very place. I am also afraid financially. Plus, I love all the people that work here, as well as the owner. He however, as much as told me yesterday that he could take me or leave me, so moving on will be the right thing to do. Frankly, with my health the way it is now, it would probably be the only choice i have, but i don't like the choice taken from me. And I do worry about who will hire a middle aged woman that can barely walk. :(

I have made a couple of decisions regarding my health, and I know that all of you are going to tell me to wait until I talk to the surgeon and certainly I am going to do that, but i do know this: I am not going to have surgery for a maybe. I have been more than present for countless surgeries with both my mother and sister, none of which have ended up helping in any way. Back surgeries are major, scary, possibly life-altering events that rarely have successful outcomes. The first one that I had many years ago was a cut and dried thing, there was one problem, easily taken care of. If my problems turn out to be that kind then I will jump on that table. I know however, that they are not. And i am not going to go through weeks of rehabilitation to potentially lose what good I do have left. But, like I said, I will see whatthe good DR has to say. I know I am asking for alot, because I want guarantees, but I do know the other side of this coin, and it is waaay worse than the one I am on now.

I do think I neglected to say on my post yesterday that my neck has gotten quite small and the neurologist said that he was quite worried that if I was in any kind of accident, my neck would snap.The reason I didn't say this was the drama was a little too much and it kind of scared me. I am now worried that if I am walking along and trip will I break my neck? Kind of gives reality to the old joke---"you are going to break your neck if you aren't careful". Maybe I need to wear some kind of helmet? Owner said I need to wear a hans device in the car (for those of you that don't know, that's what race car drivers wear)...Perhaps body armor? I cannot worry about this, and my title for the day is a joke because I AM a klutz.... Geez.....Out.

Does anybody really know what time it is?

A few random Saturday thoughts:

I have to bake a pie this afternoon, when I get home from work. It is for Owner, he generally gets a birthday pie from me---OZARK MOUNTAIN BERRY PIE. It isn't usually a huge deal for me, and he eats the whole thing!

I feel stronger this morning, still in pain, but stronger. I want to ride my bike this afternoon, it has been several days.

This week, my youngest son, YS, told me "you are the toughest broad I know". Broad? Where the hell did that word come from? I didn't know that anyone still used that word. In this case, he meant it as a compliment. He was trying to tell me that I will manage in spite of my physical issues. It was a really sweet gesture. I wish he knew how really NOT tough this old BROAD is getting to be. I would like all of them to know that i am starting to crumble around the edges. That I am tired...of everything. Of trying to help, and not managing to at all. Of trying to make things appear like they are the way they used to be, when clearly, to me at least, nothing is. Of trying to make things better for everyone, only to find that i am unable to follow through on so much. I am tired of everyone believing that i know what the rules are, and as long as I think things are okay, then they are. Who ever said I knew? Just because I can live with my rules for life, why should you? I cannot fix everything anymore. I really never thought i could, but the rest of those around me sure think i can. I am not just speaking to my kids here-I am speaking to alot of people that seem to think i have all the answers. That is alot of responsibility...and where the hell did it come from? I apparently give off the vibe that I know what the hell i am doing....ummm...wake up call...what if I don't?

I really am not in a bad mood, or in a bad place in my head. I actually woke up in a good mood, but I laid awake thinking about this last night. I have spent most of my life trying to make others around me happy. It has paid off, because I enjoy the happiness of others. It is what makes me happy. But sometimes, I have done it at a great cost. Keeping, or making someone else happy is draining. Mentally and physically. I know that i won't stop---I will continue to try and fix everything. Why? That's a good question..one that i will probably avoid answering. Any first year psychology student could make a pretty good guess as to why. But at this point in my life, there is no way to change it. Not that I would even if i knew how. I do feel though, that one of these days, I am going to be unable to change anything for anyone. It is inevitable...and then what happens?

Well, I am off to hobble through my day. I think I will be seeing my youngest at some point...and I do have to work until three this afternoon. It is a three day weekend, and the weather is supposed to be perfect. I will take tomorrow off as usual, but i will probably work a few hours on Monday, I like working when no one else is around, I can get alot done. H has to work both days....so it is no big deal to go into work. I look forward to tomorrow, i think I will be alone most of the day....and alone days are wonderful....Out.

The fourth of July.

The 4th of July. I have very strong political opinions, in fact, H says I have very strong opinions on EVERYTHING. He's right, I do. I don't however, go telling them to anyone that will listen. I have always believed the saying "opinions are like assholes, everyone has one." So, this morning, on the great birthday of this beloved nation, I will, once again, keep from opening my trap, in the hopes of keeping my friends. I will however, go so far as to say "Thank you soldiers. Thank you for STILL being there to make sure that the rest of us can sleep at night. Thank you for doing so currently, and thank you for doing so in the past, and thank you if you are planning on doing so in the future." Thank you for allowing us to be the free nation that we are, free to be running around acting as though our lives are what's important, barely ever giving a thought to WHY we are able to do that. I do think about it, alot. A mere thank you is not enough. I have nothing else of any importance to offer other than my prayers, and I do offer those to God regularly. Again, I Thank You.

I don't have to work at the dealership today, but I am scheduled at the ice cream store. It sounded like a much better idea when I was working on the schedule a couple of weeks ago, than it does this morning. I had a hard time covering today, so many have special holiday plans, and frankly, I had nothing to do. H is working also, so it seemed like the thing to do. But, this morning, I am tired already, and my day hasn't even started. I came in last night, worn all the way out, from the heat, from the headaches and issues in the service department, plus Owner had left for a little getaway with his girlfriend, and we had a couple of sold vehicles going out, plus I had one of his customers to deal with, all at the same time, of course. I lived through it all, we sold a couple in the middle of that mess by the way, and I dragged my sorry ass in the door and fell on the couch. And that's where I stayed, until I fell asleep and woke up at four this morning. So, today at the "whippy dip" isn't looking so good. Don't you guys love the sound of that name? My now retired service manager came up with that one, and it stuck. It isn't the real name of it, but oh, how I wish it was. teehee. In any event, I will survive. No biggie.

Lots of things on my mind this morning. My daughter is in the beautiful state of north carolina, on vacation, she worries the hell out of me, but I am trying to let it go. She doesn't always make the smartest decisions, get over it daughter, this in my blog, I can say what I want...and of course, it is always in the back of my mind. My son, the youngest, it totally into the whole fireworks thing, they are illegal in my state, of course, and I always worry that he will get himself into trouble, or lose a couple of fingers in the whole deal. Yes, I know they are big kids, and you don't need to tell me to let them make their own decisions, I do that, but i still worry, and that will never change. My oldest son is smart enough not to let me know what he is doing most of the time, so little of my worry power goes to him, he does not like it when I obsess over him. :)

Off to my day. I wish each of you the best 4th of July ever. If you are doing the fun, family barbecue thing, have one for me. I hate that the holiday has fallen smack in the middle of the week, but no, I do not believe it should be changed so that corporate america can make a vacation out of it, like so many other holidays have been. Over and Out.

A blob of nothingness

Oh my, I am quite out of it. I am taking the new pills, desperation will make you do things you don't want to, and I don' see how I am going to be able to function on these pills. And I am not in any less pain, at least not yet. I am taking three a day, I have to work up to NINE a day. This drug was originally intended as an anti-seizure medication, so I know it's fucking with my brain, and it scares me. Right now, all I can say is it sucks to be me. And then some.

Went to the big city yesterday, (again), I do think that Mom is improving. Slowly. That hospital is a depressing place to be, I feel so bad for her. She is trying to keep her spirits up, and doing a pretty good job. I would be a basket case by now, and I am proud of her for being as up as she is. I didn't get to be the way that I am on my own, you know. I had a teacher, it was her. She used to be hell on wheels like me. Maybe there is hope for me. Maybe.

H and I went to dinner after we left the hospital, it was nice. Then we went to a casino in the big city. And won. A little. And left. We got home about nine last night, I slept most of the way. I hate this medicine.

I am already late, I was up for a really long time in the night, then I went back to bed and got up late, of course. I hadn't planned to start this week like this, and I can already see that this is going to be a fucked up week, too. I cannot see how I will be able to even function on this shit, let alone be able to think and make decisions that don't get us sued. What am I going to do? I know that Owner has to be tired of my problems, they have been so overwhelming lately. He says he's cool with it, that if I can't walk, he will widen the doorways for a wheelchair, if I can't leave my house, he will see that I have the equipment to do the work from home, I am quite lucky, I know. What will he do if I am a blithering idiot and cannot utter a complete sentence? What will he do if I am a big old blob of nothingness? What will I do? Later.

I'm mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round

It's Sunday----again. Wasn't it just Sunday? No NASCAR today...other than the busch race from Mexico City. Just as well, I suppose, I have to go back to the big city today, to visit my mom. I am not looking forward to another long car ride, seems that's all I do lately. I think H is going to go with me, today. Whatever. Things have not improved on the home front, although my lack of discussion on that subject apparently makes those that read this think that they have. I don't know where we are, I don't know where we are going. Sometimes things seem okay, sometimes they don't; most of the time I just feel total ambivalence on the subject. Whatever. I need a break, I need a vacation, I need something. It is March, my birthday is looming, and this year will be no better than the last, getting older just sucks. I am not happy today, apparently. It was a long, painful (literally) night, and I can't see too well this morning. I HATE doctors, I hate not being well, I hate not being able to see correctly, and I really need to get back to the eye doctor, I must need new glasses. So that appointment, I need to keep, just as soon as i can set one up that I can actually get to, as the one scheduled for this Friday won't work, either. H was going to take me, but his helper at the store will be gone for the next few weeks for a medical problem, so I am back to square one. Wouldn't you think that getting to a frickin' eye appointment would be easier than this? I have rescheduled the frickin thing FIVE times now. I learned a long time ago, that depending on anyone else for any damned thing was a stupid thing to do. Obviously, I was right. In any event, this day is beginning badly. I am really hurting, and I don't want to to take the damned pills that have been prescribed. I haven't started them yet, they scare the hell out of me. I don't want to get back on the medication carousel, it's not a fun ride. I am afraid that I won't be able to get off this time. On the other hand, I go to these freakin' doctors for help, what the hell are they supposed to do? Shit. I will talk to you later.

No success at positive

It has been two days since my last post, that must be some kind of a record. The reason is that I was out of town, but we did get back early last evening, and i just didn't feel like writing here. It was a good time, I was happy that we went, but glad to be home. Sort of. Having dinner with D and company really was a good time, I marvel at H's quick wit, as well as D's, and her friend is really quite funny, too. Needless to say, I spent the evening laughing, how can that be bad? Things between H and I are seriously off, however. Seriously. I really never thought I would find myself in this position again, just recently, things seemed to be going along just fine. I guess that's what keeps life interesting. If the truth were to be told here, and heaven knows that's what I do, then we need to split up, at least for awhile. Both of us agree, but neither of us know how to go about it. I am honestly too tired to deal with it. How is that for a reason? "yes, I am married, I have been tired". Do I still love him? Absolutely. Do I still respect and admire him for oh so many things? Absolutely. Do I want to puke at the thought of listening to another stupid joke? Absolutely. I think that us being apart would be the best thing, for him-for sure, but he says he wants to give it another go. I am not sure I am willing. I watched him with the high-five girl at the blackjack table on Friday night, he deserves a few high-fives of his own. And there is no way i can allow high-fiving when I am in the picture. What, that makes no sense? I think you get the idea. I think I will go mad at times, particularly when he is "being funny" and oh-heaven-help-us when he has an audience. I know that separation will break the kids hearts, at least the oldest two, but I have been putting them first in all things all their lives. I know that is my job, and I never resented it in the least, but do I not have a right to do what I want now that they are grown? I love H. I would miss him tremendously if he were gone. But I really want to be left alone. How is that for truth? I don't know if I don't love him enough, or if I am just being really selfish, I am honestly trying not to do that. If I were being self-centered, I think I would just keep him around until he could no longer stand me, and even then I am not sure he would go. He does a huge amount of "stuff" for me. Huge. I do the bare minimum and resent doing that. I have never been that way, I have always been a giver. Perhaps I am all gived out. I don't know. But I am beginning to feel guilty about the slant of this relationship. He deserves better, he should have better, and I cannot keep trying to do better. I cannot keep feeling so guilty all the time. I have tried to explain all of this to him, but we seem to speak different languages recently. I cannot understand that, either. I have never had problems making myself understood, as I am sure any of you know by now, if you read this at all. Shit. It seems way too complicated for five in the am on a Sunday, but that has been my excuse for a long time now-see, I am just too tired. On to more positive things-at least for now.

I couldn't wait to see the Bud Shootout last night, and damned if I didn't fall asleep before it really got going. Typical of me--but I watched it on the dvr at three this morning, yea Tony! It is Sunday today, hopefully it can be a good day--I plan to cook for a change, nothing too difficult, rotisserie chicken, but at least it will be a decent meal. I long for the Sundays that we used to have around here, happy days, fun days, lots of laughs and quiet moments between the two of us, it should be so simple to put it back together, and in theory, it is. But I said I was on to more positive things----damn. We are supposed to get (apparently) alot of snow here tomorrow, but hell, that's not positive. You know how excited I get about that, have i mentioned that I hate winter? And our little journey to the north to visit D made me realize that I WILL NOT be going back until at least July, it is motherf'ing COLD there. But that is not positive, either.

I am afraid that I am not too successful at positive today, so I will just sign off. Maybe later will be better. Hope that your Sunday is a good one.