I love the IRS. I love the IRS. I love the IRS.

And so, I survived my Easter dinner. And so did everyone that attended, although when some of the guests--my youngest and company -- were very late, I wasn't so sure they would. However, the issue was getting off work in time, so not completely their fault. It's funny, I have gone from nearly weekly family gatherings, to major holidays only, and still, getting the whole crew here at the same time is a problem. Once we are all here, once the food is eaten and the mess is cleared, it is always fun. My kids are all crazy, and I am serious. They make me laugh like no one else ever has. Most of the joy I have from these family days is from watching all of them together, watching what true friends they are, how much they love each other, and how well they interact. It's funny, when they were growing up, most days, they HATED their brothers and sisters. That part is the best ever.

This week is hard. I am struggling along, but it is a struggle. A big one.

I am looking forward to the weekend, I am having a tiny baby shower for Janelle - just family and a couple of her really close friends. Trav will be here on Friday, that part I am very excited about. She can only stay one day, but that's better than not at all.

April 15th - oh how I love the IRS. I wrote the first of many big checks out last night. Oh how I love the IRS. Have I mentioned how much I love the IRS? Happy Humpday.

The first or the last?

Sunday is the last day of the week in my mind. Officially, it's the first day of the week. As usual, I am off with the rest of the world. How do you all look at it?

So, it has been a (mostly) good week. If you don't count the fact that we are dying financially, and that CrazyDog has had major issues and kept us up most nights. Or if you don't count the additional fact that I have a raging sinus infection. Besides these things, the week was good. CrazyDog has actually rallied some and is still among the living. She is eating the prescribed dog food and while I am not sure what this is supposed to do for her, she has been a little easier to get along with. Of course, it is the weekend now and as long as Mark is around, she's easier.

I also heard those magic words --"you're hired". That helps a girls outlook immensely. Now---if I could just get started on the job, that would be oh-so-much better. The person I am replacing does not know she is being replaced and because I did not want to try and straighten out her end of the year mess, it was best that she be given the time needed to finish it. I actually was willing, but the new employer thought that would be a nightmare for a new person coming in---and that makes sense. Because he has little trust in her abilities, he couldn't give me an exact date, but I certainly HOPE it's this week.

I have had a couple of conversations with old and new friends that have made me very happy. I must confess, I am now an official addict of Facebook....yes, I know....I'm not proud. But I am having fun with it. I still think I am a little old for all of it, but I see many that are older than me, and what the hay...At least it isn't as juvenile as the whole myspace scene.

Today----I am having the family over for a birthday dinner for Janelle. She wants Chicken Tacos, so Chicken Tacos it is. And birthday cake and ice cream of course ---we are never too old for that. Have a very happy Sunday. :)

My chicken tail...chicken tale...do chickens have tails?

The past few days around here have been a mixture of emotions and chaos. And I'm talking about me, not the rest of those being affected by the tragedy that surrounds everything. I keep having to remind Jordan and Steph to step back, take a breath, realize that while you are about as close to this as you can be without it being you...it still hasn't happened TO you. Those are good words for me to remember as well...why is it so easy to give advice to others, and so damned difficult to follow your own? I have not in the least allowed myself to be sucked in, and yet the sadness and worry that surrounds my heart right now is unexplainable.

There have been many things in my life that have had to change or be put on hold as a result of all of this: One, I rescheduled my insurance test, as somehow I apparently agreed to watch the remaining two babies during the funeral. That is entirely possible, trying to understand Steph on the phone - or in person, for that matter - when she is upset is nothing short of impossible. At first, when I was told that I was being counted on to do that, my response was, "I can't do that, I have this test, and you all don't know if the funeral will be Tuesday or Wednesday..." After a conversation with my sister and one with my heart, I felt like an ass, as I DID stand in their apartment and offer any kind of help, whatever I could do. So, they come up with something that I actually can do, and I tell them no. It didn't take me long to reschedule at that point, the problem is, I think it was too late, so I get to pay double for the privilege of taking the damned test. Ugh. And, in theory, that will give me extra time to study, although I have yet to pick the book up since Sunday. The idea of spending an hour or two alone with two babies bothers me, I have to admit I have not been a baby fan since our own baby tragedy last winter. I have held these babies since then, but it has done a funny thing to my heart....and maybe, it will help, who knows? But it honestly is the least I can do.

My kids have been around here all the time since all of this...one or the other, or another. Or all. It has been good, but draining. I think that Steph has improved some in the past twenty-four hours, I was becoming quite worried about her mental state. I did take her yesterday and replace the lost phone, she has been using mine since last Friday, and I'm ashamed to admit I have been rather lost without it. Hers drove away on the hood of some one's car last week, right in the middle of all the tragedy...and seriously, something like that can only happen to her. :)

On a lighter note, last night, I made a down home, kitchen destroying, grease fest of a fried chicken dinner. I had just been talking with Soul recently and she mentioned that she was hungry for fried chicken...well anyway----one thing led to another, and here I was making the chicken, the mashed potatoes, the gravy...all of it. When she and I discussed it, I told her that I would make it more often if it weren't for the noise of the frying...it drives me crazy. Last night, I discovered that not only the noise makes me nuts, but the whole freakin' mess is a nightmare; I must have had grease from one end of this apartment to another. No wonder I don't ever fry anything....And please, the next time I think I might want to cook again the way my mother did, smack me. Although, the men in my life enjoyed it.

My cold has now turned into a sinus thing, no more throat pain, chills or fever, but if I close my mouth I would suffocate. I think a lot of it is allergies, I have never seen a year with so much cotton wood floaty thingys in the air. And before you ask, floaty thingys is a technical term...

Have a good Tuesday. :)

PS....this brightened my day, I could NOT stop laughing out loud. If you are an old "rocker" like me, you will love this:

Much ado about nothing

I have decided there just aren't enough hours in the day; always in my past, I assumed I was working too much. Recently though, there still aren't enough hours, as I still cannot manage to accomplish everything on my list, and I have no job to go to. Every morning, my intentions are great, every evening, I fall onto the couch having only crossed a thing or two or five off of my list; and my list seems to be growing longer. We did make it all the way back to the old house yesterday, and left with a car completely full, and still we have so much left to do something with. Next Saturday is the day that we go back and stay most of the day until it's finished. No more will come this direction, the rest of it will be set out on the curb for pick up by the city or the pilferer's. Then we have hours of cleaning to do there, but at least it will be done. I am so ready for something to be done. I am not however, looking forward to that day, cleaning that place up is going to be hard, it needs scrubbed and polished, and it looks so sad now that we are no longer living there. I have to admit I felt a twinge of sadness going back inside yesterday, I guess because of the finality of it. I am ready for it to sell quickly, for financial reasons as well as for sentimental ones. It was a great old house to raise my kids in, to raise our dogs in, to house this stray and that one...it was a house full of love. Now it is empty and that really makes me feel sad. That house needs kids and laughter and busy lives, it does not need to stand empty for too long.

So, leaving there with a car full of-shall we say crap?-meant that I had to do something with it on this end. This new place is now officially full and cannot take anymore. I do not want a cluttered place, I never have been able to handle that, so getting and keeping it organized is next on my list. I have managed that for the most part, but with each new box comes the requirement of fitting in it with the already unpacked and organized, and that means it takes more time and energy. But I am slowly getting there.

My pain level has not gotten any better, and I am frankly surprised by that. By the end of the day, I am still barely able to walk, and while I have been busy, I have not been that busy. I don't know if you all remember that I have been taking Cymbalta for neuropathy, and I tried to go off of it a while back, only to discover that the withdrawals were more than I could handle at that time. It dawned on my a couple of days ago that I had not taken it this week, and that explains so many things -- like my pain level, and some of the electric "shock" feelings I have been having. Apparently, it has been helping my pain way more than I knew, but now that I have the withdrawals behind me, there is no way that I am going to take it again. It is also a depression medication which I felt certainly wouldn't hurt me, and maybe would help, but so far in that area, I'm doing okay. Or at least I think I am, so often we are the only ones that can't tell how we are acting. I know it's nice to FEEL things again, and unless you have been on anti-depressants, you don't know what I'm talking about. The hard part is deciding whether you are "feeling" them too much. I will have to get back to you on that one,

Mark is leaving this morning to pick up my sister, Trav. I am so looking forward to her being here, I cannot tell you. It will be a short visit, but there will be many more to follow. We have a couple of things to do the next few days, but for the most part, our time will be ours, and that is such a great feeling. We will have to visit our mom on Tuesday. Mark and I went to mom's house yesterday to drop off a Father's Day card for Richard, who is doing great by the way----mending very nicely and looks wonderful---and poor mom cried when I left. She said I am always in a hurry and misses being able to spend any kind of time with me, so I promised that Trav and I would be there on Tuesday, and stay a long while. I really felt bad leaving her.

Yesterday, two of my kiddo's were here all evening, we went to dinner, and had a really great time. I love living near my kids, it is so awesome.

Happy Father's day to all of you dad's. I miss mine this morning, and would love to have just a minute to talk to him. Hug yours if you still have him, okay?

:)

Grrr....

So today, I'm feeling pretty poopy. I am a nervous wreck and listening to CrazyDog bark at this moment (outside) is about to cause me to run away. However, last night was a normal night, everyone slept. And for that alone, you would think that I would feel better. But it's Monday morning once again, and I have no job to go to. I am seriously thinking that I am going to get an offer or two this week, I have had a couple of really good interviews and still have two to go, but the waiting is getting to me. IT IS GETTING TO ME. And to Mark. Because he and I pretty much hate one another at this juncture. Grrrrr...

But on to other things. I had the BEST day yesterday, with my kids. Janelle did make it here, and I was very happy to see her, however, I'm not so sure the feelings were returned, she was here for awhile, but clearly unhappy. I assume that meant unhappy to be here, but I guess you never know. I did try several times to talk with her, to no avail. But having Craig and Jordy and Steph was also wonderful, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Jordy and Steph were her until nine last night, they were doing their laundry...it was just an awesome day. All of us took a walk down memory lane, looking at old photos, and school papers and we all laughed alot...digging out old things really brings a family closer, you know? My mom was unable to be here, and that made me sad. She was having a really bad day. I worry.

So today, I'm here, doing what I do best, submitting resumes. And submitting the federal and state taxes, have I mentioned that I hate the IRS? And looking for xanax...good heavens. Out.

Protect thy arteries

Another bad night with CrazyDog, so this has been number three. Tomorrow, I feel certain that she goes to the vet, again. I don't know if there is anything more that can be done for her, perhaps a new medication? She has not slept for more than two hours maybe two or three times in the past three nights-total. The rest of the time has been spent pacing and barking. Simultaneously. Even Mark is losing his patience, and of course I am too, but I can recognize that this isn't her fault, he is beginning to take it personally. I swear, she is acting manic, is it possible for dogs to have the same sort of problems mentally, that humans do? Is there medication for that? I guess I need to do my homework. And yes, to answer your questions from the last post's comments, she is a Chow. Papered and registered, as if that makes any difference...

I'm having a clan for dinner today, all of my kids-I think, I'm still not too sure about Janelle-and my mom and stepdad. It will be a sort of catch all dinner, I'm firing up the electric fryers, and it's going to be an artery plugging affair. Chicken strips, tenderloins, french fries, onion petals, and I'm making a double batch of homemade Mac and cheese, just to round out the already yellow meal, and to seal the deal on the artery plugging, wouldn't want to leave any open spaces, lol. I do think I need to make a cake or maybe brownies for dessert. None of it is my cup of tea, although I do like my own chicken strips, with my own horseradish sauce. I have told all of my kids to come and get what they don't want thrown out or sold in the garage sale later this month, that anything left after today is mine to do with as I choose, and believe me, they have ALOT of stuff left here. The days of Mom's free storage are over. It is sad, sort of, but in another way, it will be nice to get rid of all the junk that is overflowing every closet, every rafter in each garage, and clean out the basement...that part will be good.

I do hope that Janelle can be here, I haven't seen her in at least three weeks. Apparently when the subject was mentioned in her home yesterday, there was a fight, and that made me feel really bad. I don't think I should call her when he's at home, and I won't do it again. She knows how I feel about him, and I know how he feels about me, I don't know why any of this surprised her. I understand that she wants harmony in her family, including him, but that is unrealistic. Completely. She knew how all of that was when she went back, and frankly, she surprises me. Everyone is just supposed to get over it, like that, because she has. It never works that way. I am trying to keep my mouth shut, although we all know that is hard for me, but the fact that I don't think he is right for her is well known. I can only imagine what he says about me, so the fact that she gets all upset when something like this happens is surprising. However, I will not be the reason for making her life harder, she is my daughter and I love her no matter what. I will not interfere and will not call again when they are together, which I assume would be evenings and weekends, and since she is now working days, I guess she will have to call me. Ugh.

When I just looked outside, my car is covered with a dusting of snow, again. Good lord, will this ever end? It has been so cold this weekend, it feels more like February than April.

I suppose I had better get myself in the kitchen. The group will be here around noon or one, and I have alot to do in there. I hope each of you have a really great Sunday! :)

But it's Sunday now, and I guess that I'm alright.

Short, sweet and to the point. That's me, at least today...

Although, not too many have ever called me sweet.

I am having my mom and stepdad and Craig over for dinner, which is actually lunch, so I have to get busy in the kitchen.

I'm tired, we were out too late, well not really, I was up too late. Steph, my youngest's girlfriend was here, she stayed in the spare room while she is in town helping her sister with her new twins. So, we talked a little while. I love that girl.

Got out of the house for awhile last night, but Mark and I really aren't capable of having too much of a good time, too much to worry about right now. It sucks. He is not a moody person, but recently, he really is. And while I understand it, it is becoming a real problem. Uncertainty about the future will drive you to drink. Well, it will drive me to drink, not so much him. He just cannot let loose and forget it all, not even for a little while. We have been together each and every minute of the day for quite a while now...ugh.

I'm off to the kitchen. My mom has requested another cheesecake, that is her favorite. I made her one last weekend, and she ate all of it, or all of what was left, all by herself. I don't mind making them, hell, I'll make her a dozen, that will surely put some weight back on her.

And my race is back on today...so far, I'm batting zero at getting to see them, seems there is always a crises on Sunday...but today I will watch, and I don't care if it harelips the Governor.

Ta ta.




I leave you with a new photo of CrazyDog. She needs a haircut, eh?

Kiss an Angel good morning.

This is my older sis, Trav.

This is my little sister, Shell.

This is her husband, Rob.

Their oldest - Alex. Mom's eyes, huh?

My Carli. There are those eyes again.

My Jordy on the left, Craig on the right. My Janelle, and Craig again.

My Steph, Jordy's GF. Today is their

two year anniversary.

My Mark.
Yours truly, I had been in the kitchen for awhile by then, wet sleeves and dishpan hands.

Jordy's feet. Apparently. Don't ask me...

Yesterday was the best day ever. My mom did get out of the hospital, and everyone made it to her house for her birthday celebration. It was a good time, no one was upset, there was no fighting, no issues. In my family, that can be rare. My food was perfect, although I about didn't make enough, that has never happened before. I don't know if I underestimated the crowd or if everyone was just that hungry, but we almost ran out of everything. We didn't though, and that just meant fewer leftovers to be dealt with.

Just before we ate, everyone was called into my mom's bedroom for a prayer, and I looked around at every person there, while my sis was talking with God. I felt so peaceful, so grateful, and so happy that every person in that room had made it there that day, each of them had listened to me, and understood that it was important that we be together on that day. Each of my beautiful kids had understood that I needed them to be there, and perhaps they understood that they needed to be there, also. Whatever their reason for going, I was grateful. It can be so hard to get everyone gathered in the same place, at the same time, the older they all get. It was a moment to be cherished, and I did.

It was so wonderful to spend the time with my younger sister, we don't get to see each other very much. She is so not well, and has so many issues, I worry about her, alot. She has been a type 1 diabetic since she was in her teens, and that, combined with her back (spine) issues, has made me spend many sleepless nights over the years. I am ten years older than she, and I felt at times growing up that she was like my own. Her family has become the greatest little unit, they all understand and love each other regardless of the issues, and they have had many. My oldest niece, Alex has become such a kind and caring near-adult. My youngest one, Carli- is just about the sweetest little girl I have ever been around. Having her here overnight was one of the most fun things I have done recently.

I was able to spend quite alot of time with my older sis, Trav, the past week. She has been here since last Sunday, and has spent the week really helping out with our mom. I have told you all before what she means to me, without her help and understanding, now and back during our frightful childhood, I don't believe I would be here, today. She is the most amazing person. She has a husband that she has been married to forever, they met in high school, and it's still going strong. They have two wonderful sons, my nephews, that couldn't be here yesterday. They too, are an amazing family.

I realize that reading this and looking at the cornflakes box photos of our lives is really boring when you aren't part of our lives, and for those of you that are still with me, I appreciate it. It is important to me to record these moments, as we all know, time marches on...and one day, there will be no more opportunity for all of us to be together.

And now that I am frustrated beyond belief with blogger and photos....ugh. I will tell you all to have a perfectly wonderful day. :)

It's Spring, so why is it so cold?

Happy Saturday before Easter. It is late for me to get here, my schedule is all out of whack. Everything in my life is out of whack, if you want the truth.

My little sis and most of her family is here, Carli, my three year old niece is a trip. She is a total chatterbox, and such a little beauty.

Today is my Mother's birthday, she is 73. I think she will be getting out of the hospital this morning. We will all converge on her house this afternoon. I have the dinner all ready, but I do think I will make a chocolate cake this morning, as not everyone likes cheesecake.

Today is also the anniversary of my Snowman's death - three years ago today, we had to put him down. I have never been the same. I know he is in doggie heaven, waiting for me, and I look forward to seeing him as much as I do anyone else. The photo I have posted here is one that was taken just before he died, after he was very sick. He was a beautiful little Shar-pei, full of fun and energy all the time. I miss him more than I can say.

Well, on to brighter things...

Carli loved her Easter basket, I let her have it last night, so that it wouldn't interfere with the one from the real bunny on Sunday morning. She is a funny girl, wasn't really interested in the candy, but loved the toys and stuffed animals I bought. My kids were all candy hounds, still are, actually. Carli actually had a banana when she got here, although my house is full of junk and she could have had anything she wanted. It made me laugh. In fact, she is a tomato freak. She would rather have tomatoes than anything in the world. When she was really little, barely walking, she would visit our Ice Cream Store, and eat pickles. Good habits, really. I hope they stick all her life.

Have a great Saturday. I plan to....and I will try to take pics of the family gathering, if I can remember, these days, I hardly remember my name. Later.

You and I travel to the beat of a different drum

And we meet again, same bat time, same bat channel.

I accomplished alot today:

I took a shovel to my bedroom. No exaggeration here, it was awful. Years of papers stacked here and there, mostly there, as Mark uses his dresser as a desk. Years of clothes that I don't wear and never will wear put into a pile for the garage sale. It made a huge difference, and just looking at it makes me feel better.

I went to the hospital today. My mom is better, there is talk of letting her go home on Saturday, which is her birthday, so the timing is good.

I went to the grocery store again today. I have been to the store more in the past two weeks than I have in the past decade. No, I still don't like doing it any better.

I applied for another gazillion jobs. I have a telephone interview scheduled for four pm on Monday, at least that is some kind of progress. Mark and I have been asked to schedule a tour and have dinner with another place of potential employment, it is a job for the both of us. I called and left a message to schedule it, and haven't heard anything back, yet.

I had a disturbing argument with my daughter, I can't say that made me feel good.

My back is still killing me, which is why I am sitting here again, at the computer.

I spent a small fortune on Easter for my niece's, Alex and Carli. That was fun. Carli's basket is quite adorable, even if I do say so myself. I miss having little kids.

My younger sister, Shell and her family will arrive tomorrow. I am very happy about having Carli here for the weekend, she is three, and quite a little chatterbox. I have a ton of cooking to do in the morning, we are getting together on Saturday afternoon for a birthday celebration for my mom. I will make and take the dinner - pulled barbecue chicken sandwiches, potato salad, cheese cake. All of it is easy to make ahead, so I will do it in the morning.

Happy Friday to you all. :)

Woe is me...

Prepare yourself, this could be a long post. It is nearly midnight, and here I sit at the computer, in pain, sad...you name it, I feel it. Or don't feel it, as the case may be.

My back is killing me, I have no idea why. It's pain in the lower part, and I already know that I have crumbling and deteriorating discs, so I suppose that has alot to do with it, or is all of the problem. I just don't know why now, I haven't done anything to it. I just took another pill, I hate having to rely on them.

My mom is better, although I didn't see her today. I am feeling so bad, and just wasn't up to driving there today. But I know she is irritated with me for not being there today, she always gets that way. It's funny, when I am sick, I don't want anyone around, anyone seeing me, anyone fussing over me, it drives me crazy. But I must be the minority, as when anyone in my family is sick or in the hospital, they all want/expect as much time as possible. I don't mind going to see her, although her mood and her drugged state really gets to me. She has seriously become addicted to the pain meds this past couple of years, and that bothers the hell out of me. I know she is too old and sick to do anything about it now, but I cannot stand to try and talk to her, and she is completely out of it. She actually falls asleep in the middle of conversation. I know I'm boring, but come on....

I am so lost. I am totally lost in my life right now. I have no idea where to turn, what to do, where to go. When I get up in the morning, there is no purpose. I cannot believe that I have let my life be reduced to what I DO, but apparently I have. I am absurdly worried about our finances, although there has not been enough time for that to be a problem, but it won't be that long before we will be living in the street. Finding work these days has become so different than it used to be. You cannot walk into any place and ask for a job - it is all done by computer now, there is no person you can talk to. Mark is working diligently on finding something, and I know he will. He has a bachelors degree in business and accounting, he is smart, personable, likeable, and has a good work history. There is no reason why he wouldn't find a good job. But still, I worry. And I know he is, too. It just takes so long from hitting the submit button to send a resume on the internet, and the call for the interview. Because we don't know where he will be working, then I have no idea where I should be looking. We don't know where we will live---we could move to the town that the Ice Cream Store is in, but I don't want to live and hour from the city and then end up working there. Not that we are ready to move, that's not the case at all, but it would be nice to know what town we will go to. Ahhh...no wonder I can't sleep. Dammit. Dammit all to hell.

I spent an hour on the phone today with the girl that took my place at my old job. She needed help with doing the monthly sales tax, and state withholding. I didn't mind, but Mark does. I will not let this be an issue between us, I told her I would help her, and I will. I am not doing it because I want to help the asshole that bought the place, I am doing it for her. And I don't feel that I should have to explain that to him again. Sigh...

I hope that you all are tucked in bed, asleep, like all good people should be. I think I will try to go to bed now, the pain meds are kicking in, and now my head hurts. I hate taking pills.

Until later. Sleep well. :)

I've got you, under my skin

And a very happy Saturday to you all. Why on earth am I awake? I would love to be the kind that can sleep my troubles away, but even when I have no troubles, there is little sleep. The truth is, I have always found sleeping to be a wasteful and time consuming habit. I have always had too much to do, too little time. I have often thought that if I could only clone myself, one of me could sleep while the other was accomplishing things that need accomplishing. (Yes, I know how stupid that sounds.) Now, when I really would have the time to sleep, I find that there are too many unanswered questions rolling around up there, and it's much easier to get up and get busy with something than listen to all of that happening in my head.

The computer issues have been handled here, thanks to my oh-so-talented and oh-so-smart daughter. We are now a house of two desktops, and one laptop that goes along with said daughter, and damned if they aren't all connected to the Internet at the same time! (Thank you Al Gore, for this glorious invention...and while I've got you on the line Mr Gore, let's chat about this global warming thing, shall we?) Oh sorry, I got a little distracted there. But anyway, we are all hooked up, and I am certain this will make life easier for both Mark and I, looking for work has apparently become an Internet activity, gone are the days of knocking on doors and looking employers in the eye. That's a sad reality, and one I still struggle with-I am good at selling myself for employment if I get the opportunity to meet someone, letting a piece of paper do the talking is rough for me. I am currently looking for something rather half-heartedly, as right now, I have no idea what to look for or where to look for it. Mark's job will be the one that will support us, mine will be the one that will supplement what he does. I still have the Ice Cream Store to consider and I don't know how any of it will fit together. Ah...see why I can't sleep?

The weather has been really nice - in the fifties at least, and I have yet to get out and enjoy it. Today, I am going to get on my bike. Period. Unless of course, it snows, and I have heard some rumbling about that from the weather guys, although it couldn't be too much a problem - the ground is too warm. I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to spring, and it will be late arriving this year, there are still snow piles in some places. Everything is so wet, the spring rains will surely cause problems. You gotta love Iowa...

My house is slowly shaping up, although I still have so much to do. I am going to take down the curtains in the bedrooms and kitchen and get them washed in the next couple of days, and that is a big job. It has been way too long. My living/dining area/office is one giant-huge-enormous room, and each end is nearly floor to ceiling windows, which means I have floor to ceiling draperies on the ends, and a couple of windows along one side with the same. These are ten foot ceilings, so you know the weight and bulk I am talking about in these drapes. I have never been a drapery fan, but in this house, the look really does work, and frankly, I have no idea what else I would do there. The drapes need cleaned in the worst way, and I am stumped how to go about it. We live in a tiny, tiny town, a couple of hours from any metro area, and having a professional cleaner in to do the job is like no-chance-in-hell. We have vacuumed and spot-cleaned them many times, but they really need the whole deal this time. I don't think Mark and I could ever get them all down, and put back up with any kind of success, we are talking about miles of heavy fabric here, and I don't even want to think about the cost of such an endeavor. Since we will be selling this house this spring, I have got to figure something out.

Yesterday, I had the most wonderful moment, and it brought up a feeling that I haven't felt in many, many years. My house was quiet, Mark was at the computer typing away, the windows were open, the birds were singing, and I was sitting on the couch with my eyes closed...there was no sound other than the keys on the keyboard tapping away, and the birds. My mind was temporarily quiet, the room was peaceful, and smelled like early Spring; it was heaven. Then the phone rang, and two of my kids arrived, but for a minute there, it was wonderful.

Wishing you all a moment of peace today. I'm out.

It had to be you...

This time change is really kicking my ass. Well, that and all the issues going on around me, as I was up for many hours with stomach pain last night.

So...Janelle is home and I'm happy to have her. She is not all that happy to be back in this ice ridden state, and is preparing to go back to NC in a few weeks. She has alot to accomplish first, and it's going to take real work to get back there. I understand how she feels and support what she wants to do. She looks like my old daughter once again, and that certainly is a plus. The time away accomplished what she needed it to.

Early yesterday morning, my plans changed and I ended up going to the city to be with my mom during her surgery. Once again, she was sent home without it, as they generally felt her health was too poor. I took that as a sign that she is NOT supposed to have this damned thing done at this time. I have had really bad feelings about it in the first place, in fact, no one felt good about her having it done right now. I certainly want her back to be fixed so that she can live a little, but she is not doing well at all right now, and I was quite happy that they were not willing to take the risk. I want her out of pain, but I want to keep her around a while longer, too.

Work is an awful and upsetting mess. I was only there from eight until eleven yesterday before I left for the hospital, but that was long enough for me to know that I cannot keep this up for much longer. My only concern is trying to teach my job to the girl that is taking over, and I am not sure how much I will be able to accomplish before I have to leave. I have not had ulcer pain like I have now for years. I wish I could just let it all roll off of me, but this is apparently too near and dear to my heart to not feel it all. I'll keep trying.

It is supposed to be almost warm today---in the 50's! The ice and snow are just about gone, maybe in another day or two. I am so ready for spring this year, I can't even tell you. I don't remember a winter like this one, ever. Good riddance, I say.

I hope you all have a great Tuesday. I will catch you all later.

Bullet post

When things get really rough for me, I don't want to talk. I never have. It all becomes like a brain overload, sort of in a word jumble format. So, we'll leave it at that, okay?

• I did manage to find just the right birthday gift for my mom, at least I think I have found it, I ordered it online, and it's not here yet. She is so tiny and hard to buy for. She wants a new robe but it cannot be a long robe, she wants a short one. When you are only around 5 foot nothing, all robes are long. Victoria's Secret had one that I think may work, so that made me happy. And I found very cute pajamas too, in size extra small petite. Yea me!

• Mark had a job interview yesterday with a headhunter. He personally knows the family that owns the business that is looking for a GM, and told Mark that he would fit in there perfectly. I am praying that this is the "one". I would feel so much better if one of us had something happening in the job department. It would be such a great job, that I wouldn't have to work too much for awhile, and right now, not working too much sounds like pure heaven.

• The ice cream store begins the "Let's do lunch" program today. It is not officially open, but on Thursdays, we deliver lunch to a nearby factory. So, it all begins today. My oldest son has it all under control, he is doing well. In just about three weeks, we will be open for business.

• Guess what? I still have no coffee filters, but I didn't cry about it. I was too worn out to stop anywhere on the way home, just getting through the door turned out to be a big enough problem.

Have a good day.

It's cracked

So this is it. The last day of an era in my workplace. The workplace will go on, but the names and faces will change now; and ultimately, someone else will lay awake like I just have, making lists and trying to remember all the details to be dealt with. The idea of that is hugely sad to me, but I am smart enough to know that this is the way things are meant to work, change is the only way that God can follow through with his promises. I am ready for my own life to be different, so I realize for that to happen, I am required to act. And so I am. I will still be employed there tomorrow, but I will be working for someone else, someone that I don't know but already don't respect. The days that I will be there from now on will extremely numbered, and I think I am ready. Scared, but ready. Worried, but ready. Petrified, but ready.

When I fell the other night, I do believe I broke my butt. Yes, I ALREADY know it's cracked. teehee I have been limping and hobbling around, and it hurts like a you-know-what. But I don't think I did any damage to the important things---my neck seems to be no worse than before, and my lower back may have some damage, but it's minor, at least for now. I have a bruise the size of a grapefruit on my upper ass...and it's extremely appealing..or so I have been told, because one of the side effects of having the recent neck surgery that I had is that one cannot turn their head far enough to see one's own ass in the mirror. I see that as a benefit, I have never been that proud of my skinny backside, and I do believe that if my rear were not so skinny, I may not have hurt myself at all. But it certainly was a complication that I didn't need right now, it has made all that I have to do that much worse. When I got home last night, the pain in my body was times ten - I had spent the day moving things out of my office, being physical, and it was the second day after the fall (and I have always thought that the second day after any trauma to the body is the worst), so by six pm, I could no longer take the pain, and I had to come home. I was very grateful for the pain medication that I have, I tripled my normal, nothing dose and managed. This morning, I am not feeling good, but waaaay better than last night.

Today will be a hard day. We are having a lunch - pizza and cake- for all the current and past employees. I have tons and tons of work to accomplish, but I am much, much closer than I thought I would be, and I no longer think I will have to be there until midnight. And that will be okay with me. I think I have put in about 70 hours each the past two weeks, and I am tired. Poor Mark has had to do the same, I swear, I don't know what I would do without him. Beginning tomorrow, it is time for the both of us to put most of our effort into finding work elsewhere, and please pray for us that it won't be difficult. There is no reason on earth that we should have trouble finding something adequate to take care of us, although it sure sounds easy, but often that is not the case.

I talked with my mom last night, and she is feeling better. She decided to tell me that when she saw the internist the day that her surgery was cancelled, he told her that her oxygen level was so low that he honestly believed that she would have slipped into a coma and died had she not gone to the hospital. That scared the hell out of me, and I curse the medical community for not knowing what was happening with her. On the other hand, had she not gone to have the surgery done, she may not be here today. One thing I have got to do in the next days is get over to see her, to spend some real time with her, and I will. New boss be damned, or even if it DOES harelip the Governor. One thing I can tell you is this: I will not get myself into another position that consumes me and expects me to save it. I hope I have learned my lesson---and even though I will not have a job soon, it is time to open the ICS, and that in itself will be enough to keep me crazy. As if I need a reason to be crazy...

I feel I have neglected all of you - and I will be getting over to visit in the next couple of days. I have missed reading all of your posts, but I will get caught up. Don't give up on me yet!

Have an awesome Friday. :)

Unsung Hero's

When I woke up this morning, like all other mornings, I spent the first few minutes, reflecting on the previous days events. I thought about all the folks who needed something from me just yesterday, and it made my head spin. So many of my days are spent taking care of others – my own family, my employees, my boss, my friends. When I say take care, I mean listening, providing suggestions, sometimes literally telling them what to do, and just being a sounding board for some. I have often wondered what or who put me in that role of caretaker, I don’t remember asking for it, I don’t remember advertising that I could help, but it is the role I have in most of my relationships. It’s okay, I think I do a fair job of helping in most situations, and I always do a great job of empathizing, as I can literally feel their pain, and cry with them. Sometimes I do have the answers, sometimes I don’t pretend to, but always-I listen. I am not complaining here, not at all. This morning’s thoughts led me to who I run to, who I can turn to, when my own life is too much and I am out of answers. And that led me to three people I can count on to listen to me, to cry with me, to help me. Like all the others that run to me, I neglect to thank those that are there when I need their help, and today, I think it’s high time I fix that. So, this post is about my UNSUNG HERO’S.

My first hero has to be my husband, Mark. We have been married for nearly 12 years, and we were together for more than two before. The past 14 years of my life, I have been living with him, loving with him and sharing with him. It hasn’t been until the past two, that I have actually been talking with him. I know, that’s a sad statement to make, but it’s the truth. In case you all don’t know the real me, I can be pretty uncommunicative in my life, I do as I want and take no advice. I have felt extremely confident in myself, with my children, with my life. I asked for no advice or input, because to not know what to do suggests weakness, and I could never afford to be weak. I felt there was never anyone to hold me up should I start to lean, and that was a luxury I couldn’t afford. So, once my children were raised and out of my home (at least they should have been out of the house) I began to relax just a little, as the job at hand was done. Then Mark and I began to work together, and we were literally spending 24/7 in the company of one another. I have always known him of course, but I found that I really liked him, really admired his abilities to stay unruffled and on an even keel, and it was a natural transition to open my mouth and start talking. It was like discovering gold when I realized that he did have opinions and ideas, and could be a support for me. We now listen to each other, we help each other, we TALK to each other. He can and does keep me sane, and that’s a huge, HUGE undertaking. He has learned the difference between me needing him to just hold me when I cry, or really wanting his input in what is happening at that time. His words really do make a difference to me, and I trust his judgment completely. He understands and feels my pain, or he laughs and wears my victories like they are his own. It has been a wonderful ride, discovering this about my own husband, after all this time. So, I say thank you to him, for loving and listening and still wanting to stay. :)

The second person on my list would be my own son, Craig, or OS as I have referred to him over the past years here. He is my own flesh and blood, a chip off the old block (so to speak) and wise beyond his years at the ripe old age of nearly 24. He has always been the child that cares, the child that is tuned in, the child that worries after me, and I think all of us mothers have one like that. However, in this past couple of years, he has turned into my friend. Even though I am sure that at times he has no earthly idea of what I am talking about when I ramble on and cry, he is always the first one with a hug or a reassurance. But often, he really does get it, and has very helpful advice and suggestions. He is honest with me but always diplomatic – and that can be a hard combination to manage. He is ever, EVER mindful of my feelings, as he would never want to hurt me, even when I ask him to tell me the truth. I understand that drive that pushes him on, and seriously, he understands that he got that from me. It does make for a good relationship when so much of US are the same. So, I thank you too Craig. And you know I love you. :)

And the third Unsung Hero in my life would have to be my older sister – Travis. Or Trav, to me. Yes, I know her name is unusual, hell so is mine---do you think our mother wanted boys? She and I grew up in a life filled with uncertainty and doubt, and that created a bond that cannot be torn apart. We used to be afraid together, we used to be happy together, we used to try to make the best of some situations that were at best, impossible. But since we have become adults, and I mean literally all my life, she has been there for me. We are not exactly alike, we never have been. But she has never made me feel wrong; she has never made me feel like the freak of the family, she has just never made me feel bad. After I talk to her, no matter what the problem is in my life, I always, ALWAYS feel better. Sometimes we cry a lot, sometimes we bitch and moan, but we always laugh. She is not quiet and meek, and you all know that doesn’t describe me either, but we don’t disagree, we always understand. She has always been someone I am proud of, a person that I have always known I should be more like. I am so proud of her-her character-her loving relationship with God-just her. I seriously say that without her in my life, I don’t think I would be where I am today. Both of us have managed to overcome many things – but somehow, she overcame better. And to you, my wonderful sister, I thank you, for just being you.

Okay, enough for sad, serious and sappy. I have no internet connection this morning, and I have no idea why. I am actually writing this in Word, hoping that I can post it sometime this morning. So, if it looks a little different, that is why. And good heavens, do I ever make a ton of grammar mistakes! I also want to add that there are many, many other people in my life that matter to me, and many I talk to…that help. My two other kids and I are close and I talk to the both of them, and I find as they age, they also are a good source of support. I also have a new bestest friend that I can say anything in the world to, and she understands. I just wanted to tell these three so-very-important-people in my life that I am grateful for all the years they have been there for me; I know I am a pain in your ass, and I am lucky to have you. :)

I hope that you all have a great day today; it’s Thursday, isn’t it? Ahh..a 12 hour day for me. But recently, they all are. I am still stuck in work hell, not getting where I need to be fast enough. Wish me a better, more productive day today, okay? Later.

Asses and elbows

I managed to accomplish A LOT of work yesterday. I locked my office door, and threatened anyone who thought they should be allowed to enter anyway. I now only have about four weeks of work to finish in the next three days, but I'm gaining.

I don't think I mentioned that I bought another car on Friday - and holy crap, it's a Chrysler! A 300M actually, a used one that came in on trade in a Cadillac deal. It is beautiful, and I say that a little in shock myself, as I don't do Chrysler, or Dodge or Ford, for that matter. I stole it for a song of course, and I really, really enjoy driving it. The Grand Am that I am already making payments on will be handed over to Janelle, along with the tiny payment, because she cannot continue making the huge payment she has on her nearly worn out vehicle. I don't like having to do it this way, but the circumstances warrant some kind of action, as she needs a car that she can afford and depend on.

My drive home last night at eight o'clock was a white knuckle ride - the snow was literally pounding down on me, nearly blinding. The twenty miles of dark highway between my house and the dealership was treacherous, and I about pulled over to sit on the side of the highway all night. I am tired of making these kinds of drives, this winter has been relentless. If all my drive time could be added up, I'll bet that I would find I have spent YEARS behind the wheel of a car, and I cannot remember a time when it's been so nerve wracking and desperate. I have never, ever been afraid in a car, but I think I am just about fed up with it - although there certainly is no public transportation or taxi service available in the boondocks in which I reside.

I didn't throw up last night! Maybe it was just a bug? A middle of the night only bug, but a bug nonetheless. Hmmmm...that would make it a nocturnal bug. I don't like the sound of that. :)

Today Mark and I will travel to the city to see my Mom before her surgery. I hope the highways are in better condition, I would hate to think that she would have to reschedule. I am praying that this will give her less pain and allow her to get out of bed and live a little. These past three years have been way too hard on her, she needs a break.

I wish you all the best Tuesday ever, or whatever day it is in your corner of the world. Later.

Me? I'm just smiling...

I don't know how to tell you what's happening in my life without going on and on...and doing a huge amount of whining. I don't like to whine and wallow in the rough stuff in my life, although none of you have any idea that is the truth. I have been whining for so long, I'm sure you all think that is what I do. It isn't. I don't like the drama that creates whining, I don't like the uncertainty of things that create the fear and wallowing, I don't like any of it. But that's where I am at this point in my life, and I guess if you take me at all, you take it, too. But I do apologize for it, at least I am not oblivious to it.

Whine #1

I cannot get anything done at my job! I go in when we are closed, or stay late or whatever I need to do to get a few uninterrupted hours, and still, STILL, I cannot accomplish anything. Yesterday, in the six hours I was there, I had people everywhere. I knew that Steph was going to be there to do her and Son 2's taxes, that is not what I'm talking about. She came in, I showed her what needed to be done, and helped her when she needed it. That was not an issue. But then the cleaning people showed up, and yes, they are supposed to be there, and the woman that runs the business is a chatty little thing, and no...I could not tell her to shut her yap. As soon as they left, and I breathed a sigh of relief, got settled in to actually finish something, Owner showed up, and didn't leave. He wanted to talk, and wanted me to listen. He wanted to go over the numbers on the buy/sell, and he wanted to do it some more. I cannot tell him to get the hell out, I mean - doing that would not bother me, or surprise him, actually, but he is just in such a state, so unnerved over all that is happening, and like me when things are screwed up, I go to him, and he does the same. I looked at him and felt all the love and years between us, and I couldn't. He did apologize when he left, for taking what he knew was precious time that I shouldn't have been using that way, but I love him. And no, once again, not like that. It is the love of a best friend, a person that I admire in many ways, and want to kill because I do know him so well all the other time. By the time he left, I was past the point of coherent thinking, and I came home. Which leads me to whine #2-

I am so freaking tired, I think I could die from it. I know it's stress related in all ways, when I do manage to sleep, it's only for an hour or two at a time, and then I wake up with bad dreams or just plain worry grumbling in my stomach. Well, that and whatever I have eaten that evening, and twice now - for two nights in a row - I have woke up out of a sound sleep and lost whatever I did eat. Very strange for me, I am not a barfer, and I am wondering if this is a new way of getting my old friend, Mr Ulcer, back. That wouldn't surprise me, it seems at the roughest times in my life, he has shown up to help.

#3

My damned neck is killing me. KILLING me. It too, is probably stress related, although it has hurt like a you-know-what since physical therapy, and that would be the physical therapy that I forgot about and completely blew off last Friday. Yes, it has been confirmed, I am losing my mind. I need to call them and put the rest of it off until after all this shit is over, but I am wondering when that will be.

#4

I talked with Janelle last night, and she was a little down. It worries me, I cannot help it. She has been through so much, mentally and physically, I just cannot help but worry. I want so much for her to be having a good time with her bestest bud, but of course, you cannot leave the baggage at home.

#5

My mom is having a surgical procedure tomorrow, and of course, I feel that I have to be there. She said it isn't necessary, but I cannot go to work and ignore the fact that they are going to put her all the way out, and shoot cement into her spine. She has a complete fracture in her T2 area of her back, and that has been causing all the pain, of course. It's amazing to me that it has taken them all this time to find it, as the bone is completely cracked. No wonder she can't stand up without excruciating pain. Her Dr swears, of course, that she will feel like a new person as soon as they do this, and I am certainly hoping so. But I still worry, she is going to be 73 years old in a couple of weeks, and the Dr's don't feel like she is physically up to regular surgery, so this is the alternative. It worries me more than a little - and I have to be there, for me.

#6

I haven't had the time to even think about finding new employment, and that is worrying the hell out of me. I can't help but wonder who will want a tired, worn out and used up old hag like me. Seriously. I cannot even begin to think that I have any kind of brain power left, and even if I went right back into the same business, there would be new things that I have to learn. That is going to be an impossibility. I am past the point of being able to use my brain. I have financial obligations that are HUGE. I have and still do try to take care of everyone financially, and I am worried that I won't be able to do that anymore. I am uneducated, and have no desire or inclination to become that way. Holy crap. I keep trying to tell myself that things will fall into place, but I highly doubt that a new employer is going to walk into my current place of employment and seek ME out for a high-paying job. "Oh, there YOU are...I have been trying to find you so that I can ask you to come work for me, high pay, little responsibility...you don't even need to think." Yeah, that's happening.

Need I go on? Did I lose any/most of you? Bloody hell....

Have a good day. Smile alot. That's what I plan to do. :)

Oh-and just an FYI---You really shouldn't leave a full box of Cheerios open on the counter in the kitchen when you have cats. :)

Just call me Bonnie..

I DID go shopping yesterday, and I survived! If any of you have been reading my blog very long, you already know that I HATE to shop, and rarely, RARELY do. Yesterday, I went SHOPPING with my daughter, to buy her some new things before she leaves for North Carolina. And I made it! teehee

It was a good day, the roads and highways were still pretty awful, but I just stuck my nose farther into my book and let her drive, all my kids are good, safe drivers, and that's saying alot, I don't say that about many. But I think it's because I taught them well (and yes, I know that sounds bad but I mean it)...and although they have all had their issues in the car, (like going too fast) I would ride across the country with any of them.

She got several new things, I am not one to pay much attention, I just pay. Her outlook is very good for the situation, and I am proud of her.

I actually bought a few things for me at Sephora, a store I had never been in, but have shopped at online many times. While I was there, I had my hands full of small make-upy type things and my damned phone kept ringing, either my boss or my employees...lol, I would talk first to him and explain things and then, instead of him telling the employees what I said, he would have them call me...but anyway, I had my hands full, and I was struggling with my phone. I didn't realize I was a thief until we were well into the drive home, as I found a STOLEN eye liner pencil in my purse...that was a shock! I considered driving back to pay for it, but the weather was so crappy that I decided that they surely overcharged for something I actually paid for by $4, and that was that. Of course, Janelle is making me out to be half of the Bonnie and Clyde duo now, but whatever.

Another day, back to work, and that's probably a good thing. Yesterday was spent digging out from the lastest storm, so I didn't miss much, but I do have work stacking up - and it feels like it is literally stacking up on my head, so I have got to get it under control again. Janelle leaves for NC in about an hour, I will miss her, but her being gone will be helpful to me in getting caught up, I have had my attentions turned to other things for the past weeks. I think she IS ready to take off for awhile, I have worried that she will be too far away from me if she needed me, but I really do see good progress in her, and this vacation will do her good. She is going to look for work while she is there, she is considering moving...I'm good with all of it, if she is ready. All of my kids are homebodies to a degree, they don't need to live with me, but they do need me nearby. The two older ones have moved quite far away, only to understand that family is more important than they thought, so they returned to the area. I support ALL of them leaving this area, none of them like the weather, the opportunities are somewhat stunted, but I guess roots are hard to walk away from. I would like to leave this area myself, but I am not able to as long as my mother is here. Someday maybe.

Along the same lines, my boss and buddy, asked yesterday why I didn't just move to Florida when he does. He listed off the reasons I should, number one being that I had just been bitching about the snow. I was surprised and told him so. I asked if he was going to miss me, and he replied that he seriously didn't know what he would do without me. That's about as good as it gets from him...

I hope you all have a great day - :)

Such a Sunday...

This has been a pretty rotten day, although I really can't say why, I guess I am just pissy this evening. I am so damned tired of being stuck inside, although the snow storm that actually happened wasn't as bad as predicted. We did get another five inches of snow on top of quite a lot of ice, but the wind hasn't been as bad as they all said it would. But still, it is enough to keep me from running outside.

I took a nap, and made a meal, and watched the race, which was a good race, but Tony didn't win..

But I am feeling just pissy. Ack...Monday tomorrow, back to work again, and I'm so covered up there I can't hardly breathe, and I have promised to go to the city with Janelle in the afternoon, so I will get that much farther behind. But we are going to do a little shopping and have lunch and go by her aparment to pick up a few things she needs when she leaves for North Carolina on Tuesday...

My neck hurts this evening. I think I must have slept wrong - and I was supposed to start physical therapy last week, but when my parts manager was arrested, I had to cover the back, and I had to reschedule for this Tuesday. I am not looking forward to it, but I am hoping it helps.

I am feeling like a bad daughter, I haven't talked to my mom for several days, and it just dawned on me that I did nothing-NOTHING- for her on Valentines Day, and I don't think I have ever forgotten her before. In my defense, I didn't buy anyone anything for that day this year, and always in the past, I have bought for my mom, my kids and their sig others, and of course, for Mark. But this year, I wasn't in the mood even for doing any shopping, and all hell had broken loose at work, and I have had trouble recently just making it through my days, let alone doing it all well. But I do feel bad, and I need to call her and explain. Tonight, I don't have the energy. I will have to do it tomorrow, I guess. I am sure she is hurt.

Enough of my complaining, don't you agree? I do apologize. Just one of those days, I think. I hope your Sunday has been better. Later.