Tuesday turmoil

I am completely unable to comprehend time recently, just so you know. It seems the less I have scheduled to do, the more I am running around consistently, but actually doing nothing. When on earth would I have the time to work right now, had I not quit my ever-so-irritating, too-many-chiefs-and-not-enough-Indians type of job? I cannot remember the last time that I just sat down. And watched tv, or read my book, or did nothing. Even praying has become a hit a miss thing with me...(sorry God).

Trav and I are having a great time together, but it has been such a whirlwind, we won't know it until she is back home.Yesterday, we ran from here to there, then back to there, then to the ICS, then home, and hell it was after ten pm when we got here. And we returned to a lovely MESS of the worst kind, as CrazyDog is having stomach issues and how great is that, when she cannot go out without a leash and a navigator? It was not fun, to say the least, but it might explain what we had previously chalked up to even more crazy than normal...well, that and the current full moon, which has always affected her.

I think I will be working for UGA. It is an insurance organization, one that I have high regard for, and a pay structure like no other. The position was offered to me yesterday, assuming that they find I am not a convicted serial killer, and since we all know I have NOT been convicted, there should be no problem...teehee. It is strictly sales, and I have been selling something most of my life, but it's a do or die kind of job. That does not worry me, but the financial is something to consider, since there can be little planning in the early stages. I will have to go back and get my Iowa life and health license (oh NO, more studying....), but I have had all of the state insurance licenses at one time or another, so that will not be a big deal. I still have my credit life and health license, as there had to be one licensed agent in the dealership to sell the various insurance products that we offered. The problem is, it will be about two weeks until I can begin their training, (thank heaven that I don't have to go out of town for that), and then it will be at least another week or two before the money starts coming in, so I just have to figure out how to keep going financially until then. But, where there's a will, there's a way. I like sales, I like making my own hours, I like most of the details about the job in general. It will require some hard work now, but in about ten years, holy crap - I might even get to retire early. I feel very lucky to have had it offered to me, and the division manager that did was highly complimentary, and I needed that right now...so, I have to let them know by today...and my answer will most likely be yes. In the meantime, I have signed back on for a bit of a gig at the ICS, so that I can help take a little pressure off of Craig, running that place will make you old waaaaay before your time.

Today, Trav and I make the trek back to our mom's town, another two hours in the car. Ugh. Then we are going to hurry home so that we can spend a little time wandering all the shops here, we haven't had a chance to do that yet. Unless you count Target, and my sister does love her some Target...

Happy Tuesday!!!!

Trivial Tuesday

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Or so I have heard. And the rest of my life does not include the job that I just recently worked so hard to get. I could not do it, I could not take it, and I made yesterday my last day. I do not regret it in the least, but I am worried about finances, so I have to get my rear end in gear and find another, pronto. When I left there yesterday, I felt like a million pound weight had been lifted off of me, and although I know I have to do something quickly about a job, but that one was NOT the right one for me. I am not exactly proud of just leaving that way, yes---my momma did learn me better than that, but I felt like such a fraud, letting everyone there believe that I was going to be there long term. Aside from that, by the time I returned yesterday, my whole schedule had been re-done by the DM, and so much for time off for me this week, we are too short on employees, and I was having to loan mine to other centers. I knew that I could not work those hours again this week, so much for the rah-rah story about how I didn't need to schedule myself a million hours a week. Oh well, live and learn, right?

The apartment is really shaping up, and I have spent more than enough money to make it that way, thank heaven for credit cards...hopefully today I will be able to post a few pics, but probably not until I can get the internet problems straight----this is supposed to be a wireless community, and it is, if you want to do all of your computer work on the balcony. So, I am attempting to hard wire the main computer and then run the other two off of the router, but so far that isn't working, and I am so computer stupid that I don't know if I will be able to manage it. Janelle is/was supposed to help me with it, but I feel I have worn out my welcome in that department, as she is very cross and short with me about it. My biggest problem is that I have no printer that I can hook up to this laptop, the two we have are not compatible, and I need to print things for the ice cream store and other-business wise, so I don't know where that leaves me. This morning, I had to re-write my resume, as I had no way to send it from my main computer to this one, and I needed to email it out. So, enough of my problems...

I am in pain and barely able to walk this morning. I have done way too much, but I had to. It will be over soon, I hope. At least until the weekend, when we have to go back to the old house and finish it up, it is filthy and needs cleaned out of things that I did not want to bring here. I think my sister (Trav) is coming to visit on Sunday, and she will be here for a few days---at least I really hope so. (!!!!)

I will make it today to see each of you, heaven knows I have some time now. However, looking for a job is often the hardest job we can have. And here I am, doing it again. Save me! Have a great Tuesday! And here are a couple of shots of the apartment, as bare as it is..and a few other things, including the sunrise off of my balcony----

Woe is me...

Prepare yourself, this could be a long post. It is nearly midnight, and here I sit at the computer, in pain, sad...you name it, I feel it. Or don't feel it, as the case may be.

My back is killing me, I have no idea why. It's pain in the lower part, and I already know that I have crumbling and deteriorating discs, so I suppose that has alot to do with it, or is all of the problem. I just don't know why now, I haven't done anything to it. I just took another pill, I hate having to rely on them.

My mom is better, although I didn't see her today. I am feeling so bad, and just wasn't up to driving there today. But I know she is irritated with me for not being there today, she always gets that way. It's funny, when I am sick, I don't want anyone around, anyone seeing me, anyone fussing over me, it drives me crazy. But I must be the minority, as when anyone in my family is sick or in the hospital, they all want/expect as much time as possible. I don't mind going to see her, although her mood and her drugged state really gets to me. She has seriously become addicted to the pain meds this past couple of years, and that bothers the hell out of me. I know she is too old and sick to do anything about it now, but I cannot stand to try and talk to her, and she is completely out of it. She actually falls asleep in the middle of conversation. I know I'm boring, but come on....

I am so lost. I am totally lost in my life right now. I have no idea where to turn, what to do, where to go. When I get up in the morning, there is no purpose. I cannot believe that I have let my life be reduced to what I DO, but apparently I have. I am absurdly worried about our finances, although there has not been enough time for that to be a problem, but it won't be that long before we will be living in the street. Finding work these days has become so different than it used to be. You cannot walk into any place and ask for a job - it is all done by computer now, there is no person you can talk to. Mark is working diligently on finding something, and I know he will. He has a bachelors degree in business and accounting, he is smart, personable, likeable, and has a good work history. There is no reason why he wouldn't find a good job. But still, I worry. And I know he is, too. It just takes so long from hitting the submit button to send a resume on the internet, and the call for the interview. Because we don't know where he will be working, then I have no idea where I should be looking. We don't know where we will live---we could move to the town that the Ice Cream Store is in, but I don't want to live and hour from the city and then end up working there. Not that we are ready to move, that's not the case at all, but it would be nice to know what town we will go to. Ahhh...no wonder I can't sleep. Dammit. Dammit all to hell.

I spent an hour on the phone today with the girl that took my place at my old job. She needed help with doing the monthly sales tax, and state withholding. I didn't mind, but Mark does. I will not let this be an issue between us, I told her I would help her, and I will. I am not doing it because I want to help the asshole that bought the place, I am doing it for her. And I don't feel that I should have to explain that to him again. Sigh...

I hope that you all are tucked in bed, asleep, like all good people should be. I think I will try to go to bed now, the pain meds are kicking in, and now my head hurts. I hate taking pills.

Until later. Sleep well. :)

Frustration with a capital F

Another Monday, but not exactly the regular kind of Monday; frankly, I'd rather be bitching and moaning about another week of work beginning. Ugh.

Yesterday, just as I was finishing up my very time consuming picture post, my phone rang, and my mom had just been transported by ambulance to the hospital. We rushed over, turns out it is pneumonia, and that explains why she has been unable to breathe for the past couple of days. She looks about as bad as anyone can, and still be alive. I do not believe that pneumonia is the whole problem, and I worry even more because she is now in the tiny, tiny, not very reliable hospital in her town, but recently, she has been in the huge variety in the city, and the treatment and reliability of what they were doing was no better there. We spent the day with her, or traveling from out town to hers, and then going back. My oldest sister, Trav came down, also. It will help having her here, she is good in times such as these, she is way more patient and kind than I ever thought of being. My younger sister would be here, too but she is still unable to get out of her bed, and help for her is still almost a month away. She and my mom are both suffering from issues in their spines, my mom actually has a fractured disc and for that reason, is unable to get around without help, and if you all remember, her doctors have tried a couple of times to go in and fix it, but her lung problems have prevented it twice now. Her pain level from her back is off the chart, so pain medication is a HUGE part of her life, and dealing with her on any kind of normal level is very frustrating for me. She is either so drugged up that I cannot have a conversation with her, or crying from pain and begging for pills. The whole scene is heartbreaking to watch, and being still, in that hospital room with her, is torture for me. Yes, I know that this is not about me, but I am still left to deal with it, and I find myself just wanting to run the hell out of there - I am such a bad daughter. But I will do the best I can, and fight the urge to run, I know that my time with her is limited.

I have sent out several resumes, apparently doing that after I've had a couple of drinks is becoming my favorite pastime; who knows what I'm saying or telling these potential employers? Rocket scientist? You bet. PHD in psychology? Why not. Not really, but I probably should only do that when I haven't been tipping the brown bottles. It's amazing to me how out of it I can feel after only one or two, wouldn't you think by now I would build up a resistance?

There is not one thing normal of stable in my life right now. Not for me, Mark or Janelle. I have no idea what the future holds for any one of us. I do know that when I think about it, really let myself think about it, I want to hyperventilate. We are not broke, not even close, but seriously, it won't be too long. I cannot imagine my life, driving to and actually working in any other place at this time, but I am literally freaked out from fear, and I have to find a job. I keep telling myself to hold off, see what happens with Mark, see what will happen for him, and then work around it. But if any of you really know me, you know that I will not be able to sit idly by and wait. I am a woman of action...if you need a job, go get one. If you need to do anything, just freakin' do it. I don't know what to expect from the Ice Cream Store when it opens, I really do need to be there for awhile with Craig to help him get it rolling. But my fear will not let me wait, and I wonder if I'm going to make a mistake that will result in other issues. Damn it, damn it, DAMN IT. I also know that having all of this time together will not result in good things for Mark and I and our relationship, it seems that he cannot do anything right for me, and the truth is, he is doing nothing wrong. We are both edgy and difficult to be around. I really do feel sorry for Janelle, she amazes and dismays me with her I'm-not-the-slightest-bit-worried-about-the-future attitude, and I know that both Mark and I are no fun to live with right now. I feel completely unable to help her with any of her issues and questions about where to go or what to do, I just want to scream at her to get a job and stop thinking it all to death. She was and still is planning to move to NC, but now those plans are being held up a little, and of course, she wonders if that isn't the right thing for her, hell --- I don't KNOW. I don't know anything. At all. About anyone.

Happy Monday. If you have a place of employment to go to today, and if that place of employment is the slightest bit bearable and pays all of your bills, say a thank you to the God of your choice. And think of me. :)

You better be, good to me

Another Friday - holy crap, I cannot keep up. This week has been nothing short of screwed up, but still, I would think I would do a better job of keeping up with all of it.

I managed to get a huge mess in my house straightened out yesterday; now my office is somewhat organized. I can at least find the bills I can't pay. I had kept an amazing amount of crap in my work office, it was somewhat like the way it works at home, when you have been at the same place for so long, you drag half of what you own from home. With every box that I packed before I left there, I was more stunned at the amount of junk that had accumulated. I had so many pictures in frames that just those took up one whole, huge box. Pictures of my kids, pictures of my nieces, pictures of those I worked with that were taken at various parties over the years...I had a huge bulletin board on the wall, full of cards and letters and sentimental shit. I had one whole wall covered in framed sprint car photos...there were vases from flowers, lots of personal items, blowdryer, hairspray, etc. I kept all of my own financial information there, all of the Ice Cream Store info there, I still had many, many records from the racetrack there, I had all of Bill's personal financial papers there...and all of this had to come home with me. I had to find a place for all of it in a house that is already overflowing with junk...ack!

And speaking of junk in my house, this is a good time to make a huge, HUGE dent in that, as well. We are having a giant garage sale at the end of April, and I have enough crap to fill three garages, all by myself. Janelle and Bill and his family are going to have things to put into it, also. So much of what I have to get rid of is too good to throw away, but no longer wanted by me. Finding a place to donate these kinds of items around here is a real problem, so I will happily sell/give away all of it to anyone interested. Garage sales are very popular here. I have never been able to understand why, but they are. It costs so much to throw things out these days, in a lot of cases I would be happy not to have to pay to have someone haul it off. Note to kids: Get what you want out of my house within the next couple of weeks, after that, it's subject to sale or being pitched.

I also went grocery shopping yesterday---can you believe it? I know, I couldn't either. I am not good at grocery shopping, usually I don't give a thought to price, I just buy. Yesterday, I acted like I was on my last dollar, and I was in slight sticker shock at the price of everything - holy shit! Then, it was late by the time we were finished, and the idea of having to drive all the way home, put it all away, then cook, was more than I could bear. So, we went to McDonald's. MCDONALD'S! They have a dollar menu, who knew? I ate a hamburger. A HAMBURGER. I don't eat meat, and haven't for more than 15 years, and I ate a hamburger. I figured, 89 cents...I am poor now, what the hell. You know what? I liked it. It tasted like my childhood. I wouldn't want to make a steady diet of them, and my stomach was begging me to never do it again, but it was good.

That was my exciting day. I spent the rest of it online, applying/looking for jobs. There are a few out there that I am interested in. Not too many...and it would help if I knew where we were going to live. My resume has been posted on a couple of websites for a few days now, and I have gotten several calls from sales type positions, Farm Bureau, a couple of life insurance outfits, but I am not interested in sales. I want to go to a place everyday, work my scheduled hours, go home. It will be interesting to see how many of those kind of jobs are actually out there, and whether I will actually be able to just WORK somewhere, without wanting to run it, and tell everyone else how to do it. Hah! I am my own worst enemy.

And just so you all know, I am making the financial picture out to be worse than it is, we are not ready for the bread line quite yet. We have adequate money to keep us going for awhile, but the thought of using what we have in savings is a little scary. So don't pass the hat for me quite yet, okay? Maybe in a week or two.

Have a great Friday. Love to you all. :)

The latest in a sad, sad tale

Funny, now that I have the time to actually write here, it seems I have little I want to say, or maybe it's just that I don't know how to write about the things that matter the most to me. Our lives here have been turned completely upside down, and I honestly don't know what to do or how to go about it.

Mark went into the dealership yesterday, as he was supposed to, to count parts that will be returned for Bill. Prior to Tuesday, he was helping out in the back, mostly being the interim service manager, and also covering the lube tech's job. On Tuesday morning, he was relieved of both duties and told he could leave. He told Mr. Parts and Service director that he might as well get started on counting the parts they had put in the back shop, as Bill has told him it would have to be done before the sale of the dealership closed, and because they were committed to paying him, he would rather be paid to DO something. On Wednesday when he returned, he was told to leave. He was not wanted there, he was no longer allowed in there, they did not trust him and that the parts would all have to be recounted, anyway. Wtf?

I was not surprised, as after I left on Tuesday evening, I seriously expected that they would not want him anywhere near. However, the area that he works in, is way out of the way, and no one would have any reason to go back there, unless they were wanting to harass him. And that's just what happened. To imply that he was doing something wrong, that he would ever lie about anything really, REALLY scalds me. If any of you knew Mark, you would know that he is a man of such integrity, such honesty that any implication of any wrong doing is utterly ridiculous. It pisses me off to such an unbelievable degree...In the end, although they knew that he was there as a direct order from Bill, and although they cannot fire or let anyone go until the sale is completed, it did not matter to them. They told him the get out and stay out. I'd say they are a little pissed off at me, don't you agree?

Sadly, I don't know how any of this will play out, but I do think that Mark will be the loser in the whole deal. They do HAVE to pay him until the completion of the sale, but you and I both know they won't, and I'm not sure what recourse we will have. Small claims court, I would assume. Bill knows about all of this and is in contact with his lawyers, but for him to make a huge stink over all of it is a bit over the top but he says he will. For the life of me, I cannot understand WHAT this guy is doing. He is buying a business that was up for sale, obviously, there should not be any problem in doing that. It takes a few weeks for General Motors to approve the sale, and this is not his first rodeo, so he knows that, too. All he has to do is bide his time, until that is finished. Then he can do things any way he wants to...but to make such a mess of everything now, to stir up such trouble now...to act the way he has with me, which I realize is not that big a deal, but he KNOWS that Bill has left me to handle all of it, so to act the way they did with me, was actually acting that way to Bill, the guy you are buying the business from. Does that make sense to you?

So, it was a good birthday. Not. We did have lunch with two of the kiddos in the city...and it was nice. I cried alot, so I'm sure that set the tone to a bit off, for a bday celebration. Ah, who cares, being 48 is really not much to celebrate. I vote that from 45 on, the birthdays go the opposite way...so eventually, we'll all end up being 21 again. My most wonderful kids got me a photo printer, and I'm excited to get that hooked up to my puter. Speaking of puters, there has been a whole lot of switching of them around here, and the one I am now using is the one I had at work. At least I will be able to get my home office organized, as I have ICS things, Bills things and my own scattered from here to there. Today, that is my mission. And I'm happy to have a mission, as I have little else..until I can get my head on straight, it's just one foot in front of the other. And I'm afraid even that will be too much for me.

I hope your Thursday is great. I don't have a 12 hour day - like I always have on this day. In fact, I don't have a day at all..., this is too much for me to get my head around. No job, no work, no job or work for Mark---somehow that doesn't compute. I knew that we would both be looking for work, that is not a surprise, but the way it has been done, the abruptness of the whole thing leaves me flabbergasted.

Since I'm obviously feeling like hell this morning, I posted a photo of a way happier time for me, one that I took in San Diego a few years ago. I'd like to be back there, right about now. Have a good day.

Starting over again, where do you begin?

AS of 4:25 pm yesterday, I am officially unemployed. I no longer have any reason to get up at the butt-crack of dawn, or any reason to lay awake all night, worrying. Unless of course you count all the worry that will be necessitated by having no money and not being able to pay all the bills. About that, I am terrified.

I will not go into all the ridiculously boring details, but I left after writing a letter of resignation to the new owner, and I had the blessing of the previous owner. While I was away at the hospital on Monday, many things had changed, and the biggest change was that I was being treated like I was doing something wrong, like I was hiding something from the new guy. He of course, wouldn't say that TO me so that I might be able to address such ridiculousness, he would only say that to everyone around me. It was Bill, (old owner) who felt that I shouldn't allow DJ (new owner) to treat me the way that he was, and it was at his insistence that I go. So, at least I don't feel bad that I have let Bill down, but I do feel awful about leaving the girl I was to train. I was beginning to have serious doubts that DJ even wanted me to do that, and while I love her very much and don't mean to make an already bad situation worse, this really was the only choice I had. I hope she understands. I will be available to help her over the phone if she wants to call. In some ways, this will be easier for even her, as I know the struggle between old and new was getting to her, as well.

I will file for unemployment this morning, and let him fight it. I don't think he will have much to fight---after consulting an attorney friend, this was done in a manner that should let me collect. It would certainly help if I could, the rest will have to be up to God, as I have no clue what to do now or how to go about it. For the next few days, I am not going to worry about another job, at least not seriously. After that, after the shock wears off, I am sure something will come together.

Happy Birthday to me. Dammit. I am 48 years old, and starting all the way over.

Have a good day. :)