The big red V

Holy crap - it's Valentine's day. And I didn't even buy my husband a card. I just woke up to a beautiful valentine waiting for me on the counter in the kitchen, and I didn't even think to buy one for him. Ugh...sometimes I wonder where my head is. Up my rear end, perhaps? Most likely.

I am in the middle of severe cymbalta withdrawals, and I don't know how to handle it. For any of you that don't know, cymbalta is an anti-depressant medication, that also works well for neuropathy. I have been on it for more than a year, and I want to be off all my medications so badly, just to see how I really am. I don't have the severe leg pain that I did before my surgery, although it is coming back to some degree. I am completely off of all other medication, other than a half a pill for pain, occasionally, but getting free of this one is proving to be a huge problem. I already knew that it could be bad, all you have to do is google the name of the drug, and you will find page after page of articles written about the hell of withdrawal from it. I seriously thought I had escaped it all, but no such luck. I am down to half my original dosage, every other day. And I don't think I'm going to make it at this time. I am fairly certain I need an anti-depressant of some kind, and I would be willing to try something else, if I could get in to see my neurologist. But I can't. I have tried, and now I am just making them mad. They do not keep a list of people needing appointments when there is a cancellation - and that makes no sense to me - we even keep a list like that in the service department at the dealership. But they do not, and I cannot get in any earlier. So, after the worst day yet of "brain shocks" that just won't let up, and acting somewhat out of character-ally short with everyone, I give in. I'm going to stay at half the original dose, and hope that is enough to keep they withdrawal away, and yet keep me half sane. The problem is, I will have to face it still - on down the road, ah, something to look forward to, eh?

I start physical therapy for my neck today - can't wait, and that's sarcasm-just so you know. I am sure it's going to hurt like a you-know-what, and I really am not looking forward to it. But, in the long run, I hope it really helps me-and I think it probably will...just getting to that point will be the hard part.

Things seem to be improving around here, little by little. Janelle is feeling more like herself, a little at a time. OS - is doing relatively well. He is helping out at the dealership - we have a detail man shortage, and there is none better than OS. He had that job all through high school and beyond, and he is a master at making a piece of crap car look like new. I'm happy to have him there with me, he's usually pretty good for what ails me. He and H drove all the way to Milwaukee and back yesterday, to pick up a car. It was a pretty uneventful trip for them until they got back into Iowa and ran into what must have been an awful accident, and every car was routed off of I80, through a long detour, and that cost them almost two hours. Poor H was pretty tired when he got home, what should have been a 14 hour day, ended up being more like 16.

My refrigerator is making a really bad noise. Just swell...it's only 18 years old. I suppose it might be time for a breakdown - but I am hoping it waits just a while, and I'll leave the damned thing here when we sell the house.

I think I'd better be extra nice to H today, I am feeling bad for not remembering that this is a special day. He is a good man, a great husband, and generally I'm all for hearts and flowers on Valentine's day. This year, it seems silly --- so many other things happening, so much sadness and heartache everywhere I look. I tell him every day all that I appreciate him for, and that's a list taller than I am. He is the best, and that's all I have to say about that.

Have a very Happy Valentine's Day.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....

Today, let's talk about the wasted energy involved in wrapping Christmas gifts, shall we? Not that I have done any of that this year, but it is a subject near and dear to my heart, as I will be engrossed in that very thing for at least the next 24 hours. If I should find myself able to move at some point today, that is. Oh holy Christmas fruitcake, I have hurt myself---doing waaaaay too much, please no need to remind me that I wasn't supposed to do that, (sort of like closing the barn door after all the horses have escaped, you know). I worked until 3:30, which was longer than I had planned, and longer than the Dr told me I should, but I can't really say I was working all that time, it had been so long since I had seen anyone, I spent quite a while catching up with them...and everyone had to talk and comment on the fact that I was WALKING, the last time any of them had seen me, I was in bad shape, still in the chair. Then we had the long drive to the city and then---you all know how hard it is to shop this time of year, to park, to find what you want, IF you know what you want...it was just a long, long night. And then, to top it all off, we had to deal with the mother of all fog's on the way home...and it was nearly midnight before I saw the welcome sight of my own brick barn. Ugh. Once I got here, I could barely get out of the car and I was shot, all the way through.

Needless to say, this morning, I am not ambulatory. Not in the least. I am in big pain,I was unable to sleep for that very reason, so I am mucho-tiredo on top of it all. Work was in my plan for the day, but I'm here to tell you, that is not happening. I am once again, living in pill-ville, and unable to accomplish anything. Damn.

Kitty's are not happy with me this morning, well at least Miesha isn't. She is the one that is actually sick, though, so I think her unhappy status has more to do with that than anything. Well that, and H and I trying to shove cold, pink medicine down her throat at twelve thirty this morning. Did you know that cats will not open their mouths for any reason when they are not in the mood? I didn't, but I am learning. She wasn't buying into it, and I got tired of fighting with her. No wonder she hates me now, but a call to the vet is in order today, as I am not going to fight her twice a day only to lose. She got a shot of antibiotics yesterday for the virus she has, and it's a good thing...as she will be late on any additional medication. I am used to dogs, and I know all the dog tricks, namely, when you have had enough cajoling and arguing, force it down them, and you will persevere. Cats are not the same.

Christmas countdown...so much to do...so little time. Another huge ice/snowstorm on the way today, only this time a lot of wind thrown in for blizzard and white out conditions...yes, we needed another weather problem on the weekend before Christmas. This now makes four Saturdays in a row. Wonderful, just wonderful. Bring it on, I say or in other words, can't dance, too fat to fly.

I have a grocery list as long as my arm. Or, I would if I wasn't in pill-ville today, I have to pull it together and think, woman, think. Poor, poor H. I am the luckiest woman, I am aware, that he will go and fight the crowds this morning, which I assume will be doubly bad, as it is the last weekend before the holiday, and also just before a big storm. Holy Christmas cheesecake, I shudder just thinking about the mess he will face today, while I sit here is my warm house...

I guess I will go and lay down. I am in pain kiddos...and the pills are not helping this morning. Legs, arms, neck. Damn. I hope each of you have some kind of a peaceful day today as you all try, like me, to get your holiday all wrapped up. Have a really, really good Saturday. :)

Back to the future

Well, hasn't time just flown? It is now autumn, my favorite time of year actually, and my vacation is over.....and all things must return to what should be normal. Today will be okay. The usual pandemonium, along with ten whole days of not working thrown in. Alot to catch up on, so much to do. But it will be okay. All I can do, is after all, all I can do.

Yesterday turned out to be the best day. I didn't see it coming, and that makes it even better. All of my kids turned up here for dinner. D, and OS, and YS and GF. It was awesome. When these things are planned, they never turn out the way you think they will. Yesterday, it just happened. And it was awesome. One of those days where you just know that it will be a long while before it happens again, and you just sit and thank God for pulling it all together. :)

Then, a movie in the evening and off to sleep. Wonderful day. Wonderful life. I am blessed. Later.

What did you think I would do at this moment?

We are back home, technically only gone for a little more than 24 hours, but that was enough for me. It was a great time, H and I actually laughed alot, something that we have forgotten how to do. Why does life get in the way of the good so often? I know the answer to that question, asking it was purely rhetorical, because the answer is: It doesn't if you DON'T LET IT. Guilty as charged, I am afraid. All things have been so very stressful the past couple of years, that i have forgotten what is really important, and so has he. We didn't spend our time talking that over, however, H is not that kind of communicator. I suppose I'm not either, although I used to believe I was. It is interesting to me that I have always thought that I had a gift of speech, talking out feelings, talking things over, really trying to understand the one I am talking to, and listening. The real truth has become completely the opposite actually, or perhaps it always was. I don't want to talk most of the time. I am too tired, and most things/people are just not worth it. What kind of bad attitude is that? I suppose that part of it stems for fourteen years of TALKING my way through my first marriage, all of it was in vain, however. I continually EXPLAINED, I continually asked "what's wrong?", I continually tried to make all things better. It had to have affected me, and i believe this is the outcome. I find myself acting more and more like my asshole father, silent and uncommunicative....completely out of touch with my world at home, totally exhausted with myself and my life, after spending a grueling ten or twelve hours on the job, being the wonderful me. Whoo...how's that for a little armchair therapy on myself? What I really find interesting---is that I CAN explain myself here, I can communicate here, I can put my REAL feelings here. I am not sure what the difference is---and i am aware that H reads what i write, and maybe that is why I can? Or maybe I want the feeling of being UNDERSTOOD and supported, which is what i always get from my favorite people that pop in and out of my blog. I don't know...something for me to think over. All I am really trying to say with all of this is that we had a good time, and I spent some time trying to understand the differences, and I believe that life just gets in the way of love, and I do love him, and I have never doubted that he loves me. We came within inches of splitting up three months ago, and the truth is, that could still happen. But it wouldn't be because there is no more love left between us. I once believed that was all that was needed for a successful relationship....unfortunately, that isn't the truth, but in a perfect world, it would be. Okay, enough psychological bullshit.....

I spent the past hour catching up on all my favorite blogs, I still have to comment on them, and i will. Later today. First, I really want to take a shower....I feel like I look like hell. This will be a long day spent alone, H has to work, all the kiddos are going to their dads for dinner, not that I am unhappy about being alone, today it will be alright, even a good thing. I have my race to watch, a road course, I love those, and I need to walk, and a nap to take and a book to finish, and my house looks like hell.....oh yeah, plenty to do. Have a great Sunday, I will be back later!

May 29th, 1984

It isn't Monday, it only feels like it is. It IS however, my baby's 23rd birthday, Happy Birthday OS!

I was many days over due, as usual, and no end in sight. Back then, doctors didn't get too excited about being over the due date, not like they seem to today. It was memorial day weekend, and your dad, being a federal employee at that time, of course had the Monday off. We lived in the Quad Cities, in Illinois, and the weather had turned very strange for that time of year. Your father was getting quite irritated with me for NOT having you yet, as he had planned a week off after your birth, and well----he shouldn't have to go back to work on Tuesday, if I would only do my part and have you! So he suggested taking a walk, to help me start labor. Okay, whatever, I wanted to have you, too. So we went out for a walk. We were at my Mom's house for dinner, and we went walking out in the country. It was cold, and windy, and i was freezing my ass off! It even started to spit snow, and it was the end of May! But we kept walking, and walking. Finally, after your dad had had enough,we gave up and went back, picked up your sister and drove on home. Nothing, I felt nothing. And boy, was he mad! It was typical behavior for your father, all things were about him. I just laughed and said there wasn't anything I could do about it, and went to bed. He prepared for work the next day and came to bed also. At midnight, I woke in severe pain, and knew he wouldn't have to go to work after all. Less than two hours later, you made your entrance----a beautiful, light haired little BOY! A BOY! I couldn't believe I had a BOY! Neither could your dad----for some reason, we were certain that we would only have girls. Never have i seen your dad more proud, more happy, more delighted at any time in his life. And me, I was just in love, with you and your father. You were then, and still are, complete joy to me. A beautiful person, inside and out. I love you.

I hope your Tuesday that feels like Monday is great. Me, I have to be at work early this morning. Take care of business, you know. Out.

A moment of truth

I am not working today. Anywhere. I took the day off originally because I had a dr appt scheduled...but then it was changed, and I took the day off anyway. I explained this to Owner last night and he waved me away, with a nod, and a grunt, and i know for a fact that he didn't hear ONE thing I said to him. Not one. But I need a day out of both places...although I have no idea what I will do. I need to go see my mom - it has been awhile. I would like to take her to lunch, but her husband works evenings, and there is no going out without him in the daytime. I like him okay, and he takes good care of my mom, but he bugs the hell out of me. And I would love to see my mom without him occasionally. I will see what i can do about it today.

I would like to go buy a few things, also. But heavens, I HATE to shop. But I am needing some stuff---shoes, makeup, etc. I don't know if I can make myself do it or not. I only shop in an emergency, although I am approaching that stage. H will buy whatever I need, and he does a pretty good job, but this would be impossible for him to do. I could ask D if she wanted to go with me, but I expect that would also be impossible, she doesn't seem too crazy about being around me.

Or I may just be lazy and read. I have to start a new medication today, and that always makes me nervous. I am really hoping for this one to help. I need help, with the pain, and I really think I am dealing with a pretty severe depression...duh....but sometimes we are the last to know. I really DON'T think that normal people would rather drive off the bridge than over it. So, I am putting alot of hope into this drug----it is supposed to take care of neuropathy pain and depression. Wouldn't that be a miracle? This is me, crossing my fingers.

I only worked until just after six last night, so my day was short of twelve hours, but long enough. H was home for a change, we spent the evening on the couch, in front of the television, I slept, he caught up on his favorites. It was okay. I would love to have the energy to talk to him, hopefully another thing that this medication will help. At times, I feel sorry for him---he does have alot to put up with (me). Most of the time, though, he just pisses me off. And that is sad. I don't know what that says for us, I think both of us know that we are only prolonging the inevitable.I love him and have no doubt he feels the same. I don't think we are IN love with one another any more, is that even possible? Was it ever possible? Isn't this what happens after eleven years of marriage? When my first husband left me, I though my life had ended. That there was no way I could carry on----I almost died of a broken heart. And when I came out of my stupor, I swore that NO ONE would ever have that much of an effect on me, never, ever again. And no one has. I think that part of me died with that relationship, and I am no longer capable of feeling anything even remotely close to it. When I met and married my H, I told him that, and he said he could live with it. And he has. And I love him for it, but I wonder if a person NEEDS that kind of love and commitment to survive a long term relationship? Or if I am just too old and dried up to feel anything anymore. The loser in this deal is clearly H. He has stood by me no matter what, done all that has been asked of him and more, never once made me feel stupid for the dumb things that i have done, put up with my kids, my bitching,my illness, the real and true me. And loved me anyway. But a person can only take so much. And I wouldn't blame him for wanting out, not that he says he wants that. But I would, if I were him. I would have left him years and years ago, if the tables had been turned. But he is a man of true integrity, with complete loyalty. When he's in, he's in. And I know at times, I have taken advantage of that. If we do in fact, split up, it will hurt. But I will be okay. I am way past feeling anything important anymore. I keep thinking that I can get it together before i wreck the only good thing in my life, but that isn't happening. Only time will tell.

Whew----I didn't mean to go off into that, but it really is on my mind. Sorry. A girl's gotta vent sometimes, you know? I should get my day going. Later.

I am a title-ist. No, a title-er. I NAME THINGS, OK?

Will this stupid, painful, irritating, and down-right fucked up week ever end? I felt so rotten (mentally) last evening, I went out and pretended it was Friday. It helped, a little, but then I woke up this morning, and it isn't Saturday....so I think I will start spending my time the way I sometimes spend money- borrow from the future. I am an accountant, you know, I see no reason why I can't do the creative things that I do with money with time....any input? In the end, I could actually live to be 174 years old. Interesting idea anyway.

My family---and by that I mean, MY family, the one that raised me, is a huge mess. My mom is doing better, by the way, she finished her twice daily in the hospital doses of antibiotics on Monday---and I think she really is feeling a little better. I am looking forward to seeing her this weekend. But I was referring to my sister and her crew, are all jacked up over her oldest daughter, who can't decide if she wants to live or die, and FINALLY my sister decided she might want to do something about this, so my niece is in a mental hospital, it is all so sad to me, this little girl (sixteen yrs old), has EVERYTHING on the ball, except for a mother that will be a mother. They have the strangest relationship, I swear at times, my sister is jealous of her own daughter----My niece is so sweet, and so beautiful, but she got tangled up WAAAAY too early with a boy, and now of course, they have broken up, and her family has moved her three hours away, and my niece thinks it might be better to die. This is just the most recent reason, of course, because this little girl has been crying for help for several years, and her mother, and to an extent, MY mother, have enabled all the bullshit, until bullshit has been all this girl knows, and now of course, she will go through hell to get it all straightened out. The whole situation really hurts my heart. I want to take her, drag her home here with me, I know that would no solution, hell, look at my kids, but I want to. At least with me, it would all be told exactly the way it is. I'm serious, when I say that you know----but H would literally have a stroke. And I am getting too old. But I can't get the idea out of my head. Dumb idea, yes I know.

I am going in to work late today, I told Owner that I was going to get shit-faced last night and would be late as a result this morning, and I did, just a little bit, but I feel fine today. I just see no reason to hurry in to my twelve hour day.

I am having trouble seeing a reason to hurry to anything these days. Perhaps all things are hormonal, heaven knows you should NEVER suggest such a thing to me, however,but all things in my life look like shit. I often wonder if others feel that way, or if I am the only one----but the feeling generally passes within a few days. I always blame me for these feelings, and I suppose there would be no one else TO blame, but at times I think that I am so worn out from the physical pain I have to endure, it is relentless, day in, day out. I always think that I would be such a better person if I felt better--but maybe not. I then might just be a bitch without a reason. Hey---good song title, want to write it? BITCH WITHOUT A REASON. It would have to be a number one hit. Or how about UNJUSTIFIED BITCH? Or BITCH WITH NO EXCUSE?
Enough already.

Off to my day-could include a short nap before work, although I slept almost six hours, a long night for me. Hope your day is awesome---I will settle for calm---a calm day, sounds like heaven. Out.

That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it...uh huh, uh huh.

I had the BEST day yesterday. The BEST. Both of my boys and GF were here all day, my dinner was good, we laughed all afternoon. I haven't spent that kind of time with my kids in years, they are always obligated somewhere else. We missed having D here, all of us said so. I am so happy that my sons have finally become friends, good friends, as they weren't always like that. Now, there is easy banter between them, and mutual respect. They understand their differences, it shows. And they ARE different. I am always amazed---their dad and I made all three of our kids. They were all raised in the same home, in the same way. And the differences between them are HUGE. HUGE. But wonderful. I am proud of the men that I have made, they are good hearted, level headed, humble human beings. They are both growing up-finally. I know they have a way to go, but i see signs of real growth. I am proud. They and D are the only things in my life that really matter. I may have not always been a good wife, I may have not always been a good daughter, I may have not always been a good employee. But I have always been a good mother. They have always been the reason that i have gotten up each morning, and they still are. It was a wonderful day, one that brought back good memories, you should have heard the tussle that took place in the upstairs hallway, screaming and yelling and carrying on, then one pushed or man-handled the other, then the "Mom, OS won't let me into the bathroom so I can shower....."Did that ever take me back. I laughed along with them, but wanted to cry....I so miss the days when my kids were all home, when they still all needed me,that was the best, even though I did not know it at the time. I am surprised that I am crying now, but it was such a good day. If any of you still have your kids at home with you, and you are wishing for the day that they will grow up and get on with it, just like I did, be careful what you wish for. One day they will.

But anyway, the SOPRANOS was mildly good. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't what i was hoping for. I know it will get better, only eight more to go,according to H, and they have ALOT to tie up before the end.

Monday, uugggghh. Long, long Monday. Can't wait, but at least D will be there today and tomorrow. That will be nice. I'm out of here. Have a good day.

Update: Your kids can kind of make you feel like shit sometimes, you know? It's at these times that I want to cry. It's amazing how quickly they can manage to take you from feeling so good about things, to really, really lonely and bad. Damn, I hate these times.

A star was born February 7, 1980.

We met in November 1978. I was busy with my life, my roommate was busy with hers. She worked for a pet shop in Phoenix Arizona, and they had a bird there, a giant bird - a great green winged macaw, if I remember correctly. My roommate was my best friend,(and she was also my roommate while I still loved at home, she moved in her sophomore year of high school, which was my junior year) But I digress, as usual. I used to take her to work on many occasions, and pick her up when her shift was finished, and this went on for a couple of years. She was frequently running behind, and I would hang out in the pet shop waiting for her. I would look at the puppies and kitties, and the fish, but generally I would stand outside the macaw's cage and make fun of him - Amos was his name. He has an evil face, and a mocking laugh, and before long, he really hated me. Fast (back) forward to November 1978. Roommate came home from work, and told me that someone actually bought and paid for Amos, and his selling price was ridiculous, $1800, which was REALLY alot of money at that time. I couldn't believe any fool would pay that for an ugly bird. So I asked her "who in their right mind would pay that for a bird?". Her answer, surprised me-she told me that I would meet him in a few minutes, that she had a date with the buyer. And damned if he didn't show up, my future husband, your future father. Of course, you were just a twinkle in his eye at that time. It was a whirlwind romance, although we didn't start dating until Christmas 1978. He went with roommate for a few weeks, and then it became obvious it was not in the cards for them. I consoled him, and we fell in love. So much in love that we married six weeks later. No we were not expecting you yet, although when you were born three days shy of our first wedding anniversary, everyone was counting on their fingers. I was crazy about your dad - I thought he was the smartest and handsomest man that ever lived and I was so lucky to have him. But this blog is about you, not your parents. I just wanted to set the stage a little. (I did end up living with Amos, by the way, and it was not pretty. He hated me, as he should have, but that's another story,and one that you have heard before.) It was just a few months before I THOUGHT that something might be going on with my body, I felt funny and your dad's cologne made me want to throw up in the mornings, in fact, MOST things made me want to throw up in the morning. But that could not be, I was taking my pills faithfully, it was impossible, wasn't it? EPT tests were very new in early 1979. But I went and spent FIFTEEN dollars on one, and we were quite poor. I COULDN'T WAIT to find out what was going on. I was afraid to hope, and I had NO idea what your dad would say, but that didn't matter, because there was NO WAY. I hurried home to use the kit. I read the directions, and I about cried, I had to wait until tomorrow, because I had to use first morning pee. So I told your dad what i thought MIGHT be up, and he cried, hoping so much that I was in fact pregnant. I cried then, too. All my life, I NEVER wanted kids. NEVER. I couldn't stand the little brats, and I had had enough of my little sister to know they were not for me. But the idea of a BABY in me, the very IDEA, had me in tears, and I never had wanted ANYTHING in my life so badly. The evening progressed so slowly. I couldn't wait to go to bed, and I did, very early. I got up at four o'clock in the morning, so I could pee. (Back then, I was like you, I didn't know four am). I put the little stick in it, and waited. Your dad got up and waited with me. You know the rest, it's history. I jumped up and down and hooped and hollered, and ran (in the dark) to my parent's place, very nearby, and rang the door bell incessantly until they woke up and I told them the news. It was the happiest moment in my life, up to that point. Needless to say, you have provided very many happy moments in my life, since then. Such as the day you were born. You have heard that story countless times. You know how I feel. And yet, each year on your birthday, I want you to KNOW, to FEEL just a little bit of what I do each year. Complete elation, absolute end of the rainbow happiness. Your sweet, pudgy little face, your dark, curly hair, the chubby rolls on your legs, all beautiful, sweet, nine pounds six ounces of you. You were awesome. You still are. Happy Birthday.

A Christmas Wish

It's the Eve of Christ's Birthday. That fact makes me feel happy, no matter what turmoil I have in my mind. I am a true believer, always have been and forever will be. Happy Birthday, Jesus.

There have been so many wonderful Christmas's in my life. Many of them stand out in my brain, to never be forgotten. When my kids were little, Christmas was like magic, for them and for me. I don't recall ever being happier. I am grateful and quite blessed to have those memories. I hope they remember them in the same light that I do.

Today will be a mixed blessing of joy and love and lots of work. I am not quite up to where i had hoped to be physically, but somehow I will persevere. I always do. I intend to enjoy the day, the time, because lets face it, Christmas 2006 will never be around again. I will love my family and forgive their idiosyncrasies, and irritations, just like I hope they do for me. There is joy in any situation, and I certainly have been in worse positions, worse places, worse physical shape in the past. I am grateful for what i have, all the love that I have, for so many things. Today will not be a day of wishing things were different, of whining about my lack of spirit, it will be a day of loving my life, just the way it is.

I wish all that happen by this page, all the peace and joy and love that their hearts can hold. I wish that they feel the love of God every day, but on this day most of all. Merry Christmas readers.

The best decision I ever made

Or maybe it was a decision that I had made for me. Either way, it was perfect for me, for us.

To my Husband: What can be said that i have not told you in the past? When I met you, it was fun, good times. Alot of laughs and excitement. Just what I wanted, fun, with no strings attached. No headaches, and certainly no heartaches. Except, we found that we could not part, could barely be without each other for a couple of days at a time. What the hell was that? Where did that come from? Ours was an easy-going, good time relationship. We had no future together, you were way too young (only 5 actual years, but lifetimes apart in real experience), certainly NOT the marrying kind. I was way too old for you, a mother with THREE KIDS, a life long relationship behind me, to take me on was taking on WAY more than you ever bargained for. How could it possibly be that WE were meant to be together? Even after we decided to marry I honestly didn't believe that we would be able to put this funny conglomeration of people in the same house and make it work. I really was unsure that I could let my heart take a risk like marriage again. I seriously expected you to back out on the "I DO" part, and would have welcomed it back then. I know that i was WAY more afraid than you, which today I find really funny, because I still believe that you should have turned and ran. Very fast, away from what I know has been a life of hard times, and pain, and tough breaks, and oh Lord, you know I am a handful. But thank you, thank you for NOT doing that. Because we would have missed out on a life of magic, and fun, and a closeness that I never, ever thought that i could have or even want in my life again. It's comical because you are the younger one, the most inexperienced one, and you have taught ME how to really love, how to really trust. You have been a perfect example of a man. To me, to my kids. You taught them that responsibility and commitment is real. To this day, all these years later, at times I still think it would be better for you if you just ran, but I thank you for not doing that. Thank you for loving me, for putting up with me, for always being there for me to lean on, and heaven knows I have needed to do that. I'm not sure who really made the decision that we would really GET MARRIED, I know I could have and would have backed out had you uttered even one word of doubt, and you have told me that you knew that back then. So if it was you, or if it was God, it certainly was right. I love you Mark. Such a short, simple sentence, but it speaks volumes about a lifetime together. Always, me.

You're the best things I have ever done

This has been a crazy day, but no different than most of them. That's not what i want to talk about tonight. When I started blogging, several months back, the original reason was so that someday, those that meant something to me, would be able to read here how I felt about them, my life, things in general. My original objective has not changed, but life has sort of gotten in the way. While I expect there to be NO reason for me not to be able to directly tell someone any of my thoughts, life is funny sometimes, and for reasons we cannot even begin to imagine, things change drastically. I don't want to let any more time pass me by. I am going to attempt to make some of my entries more personal and directed to a particular person. Anyone that wants to can read it, I am not ashamed to let my feelings show.

To my beautiful Daughter: You have been a complete joy to me, all of your life. You were a miracle that I was not prepared to love as quickly or as deeply as i immediately did. You were perfect in every way, and to me, you still are. I will not forget the magic I felt the day you entered the world, and the magic I still feel when I look at you, and hold you even today. You are everything that i always knew you would be, even if at this time in your life you can't see it. I have always marveled at your amazing brain, your quick wit, your beautiful smile. There are things in our past, as a mother and daughter, that I am not so proud of on my end. I know i have told you before what they are. Again, I need to tell you that any mistakes that i have made directly in your life, were honestly made with your best interests in my heart. A few things I would love to go back and do differently. Since I cannot, I just want you to know, that I know I screwed up, but i didn't know it then. I really grew up with you, and that's not exactly an ideal situation. I am afraid the first child frequently has to got through alot of this-many lessons are learned on the first. In any event, I couldn't have done too badly, because look how wonderful you are today. I have never once regretted the decisions that i made to marry early, to have children early. You were born into more love than you can even imagine, between your father and I. There was no child wanted more. By either of us. Always remember that I am and forever will be your biggest fan. Your personal cheering squad. There is no problem to large or too small that you can't conquer. If you need me, not matter where I am, I will be there. That fact will remain as long as i am on this earth. Always.

To my wonderful, practical, kind and caring oldest son: I am PROUD of you, and the man that you have turned out to be. Honest-with integrity coming out of your ears. When I grow up, I really want to be like you. You are and have always been my friend. I know that you care about me, you have always worried about your mother, you have always worried about everyone. There isn't one thing about you that I can complain about, even when you have been at your lowest points, you have handled the situations with grace and integrity. I am proud of your compassion for others, your sense of humor, your smarts...shall I go on? Ditto on what i wrote to your sister about the circumstances of your coming into this world. No baby was ever wanted more, and no home was happier than when your entered it. I was really unsure of what to do with a boy, but you made the learning easy. I love you kiddo, and you can ALWAYS count on that.

To my sweet faced, big hearted, emotional, kind, youngest son: What can I say that I haven't already said about the other two, because in reality, the three of you are so much alike, and yet so very different. You have always been my baby, you will always be that to me. I know the other two have resented that at times, but you are the youngest, and you can't change that. I know that i have spoiled you in ways the other two can't understand. But it makes perfect sense to me. You have grown into a kind hearted, spirited, funny, adorable, sweet, big, strapping man. I know it's not cool to love your momma, but i know that you do. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you, years ago, or yet today. You have pushed my buttons over the years way more than the others, you have certainly, at times, been a challenge. But no other son walking this earth is loved more. I am proud of your accomplishments, so many have come from the school of hard knocks. But I have watched you grow up, and i am proud. You will be a wonderful father some day. I am so excited and anxious to see that day come, when the timing is right. I love you, more than you will ever know.

I can only say so much with words, but each of you have to know that it comes from my heart. I will always be here for each of you. As long as I am alive. And even when I am no longer here, I will still be with you in your hearts. Always and Forever, Your Momma.

'Tis the season to be Jolly

Another day, another dollar, so the saying goes. I am pissy today, it was a rotten night, slept really hard early one, then slept little. I feel like ass this morning, and really look like it, too. I hate when things at home aren't good, it makes EVERYTHING look bad. I get so tired of H, I talk and talk, but i rarely get answers, such as yesterday, he could have easily told me he would rather do his thing, I would have thought nothing of it, and we could have avoided what turned out to be a big, balled-up mess. But that is common between us. I really think he feels he has to do what I want - that is SO not the case. If it had been that important to me to go as planned yesterday, I obviously would have gone without him. I didn't. It wasn't like we spent the evening arguing about it, we actually spent the evening not talking at all. And that sucks. He is having problems of his own, I know he is because he has told me about them, but all he has to do is voice his issues, I will respond accordingly. Just don't leave me wondering what the hell the problem is, TALK to me. I will not pry, I will not judge, just TALK to me. I can't tell you the times that i have told him - I feel like hell, my mood is bad, I can't say why because I have no idea. That at least lets him know that whatever is wrong with me has not been caused by him. No need to be a total ass about it. Enough said.

YS should get his regular drivers license back today, and if that happens I probably will see him this afternoon. It seems ages since I have laid my eyes on that cute little shit. OS was summoned into traffic school by the DOT, he got a ticket a couple of months back for going TWENTY NINE over the speed limit, and as a result, he is now on driving probation. No moving violations for 12 months, or he will lose his license for six months. Fucking swell. Both of them are on that now-in 2005, I drove BOTH of them around. I don't think I could do that again.

My stomach is still not right. Over the years I have had several ulcers, perhaps I am developing one again. I get so tired of all the bullshit.

Guess I'd best get moving. Hope your day is great, I will settle for mediocre. Later!

I am LUCKY

I have had few NORMAL relationships in my life. Very few. One, actually. That would be the one that I have with my husband of 10 years. (Ten years-where has the time gone? ) I feel very blessed and quite lucky to have it, you see. I really did not believe that there was such a thing, honestly. I don't know that I had ever seen one, I certainly never had lived one. I grew up with very abnormal, my own father/mother, and then the stepfather/mother (that one i thought was normal when I was a child, I have since decided that it was not). My first love-real love-turned out to be married already-naive? who me? My second love, the love of my life actually, was my husband of 14 years, the father of my three beautiful children. Normal?--no way. He was considerably older than me, 11 years, and he meant EVERYTHING to me. He was controlling, domineering, overbearing, tempermental and wonderful, all in one. He exhausted me daily. I loved him more than life itself, and I would still be with him today, had he not left me. That sounds like a negative, like I am sad about the breakup, and the truth is that I am not. At the time, however, I was devastated. I truly thought that I might die of a broken heart, and would have except he left me with three equally devastated kids. I didn't grow up until that period in my life, and while I look at that now as a positive, I don't recommend doing it that way. In time, after a really, really STUPID relationship with an idiot that i was determined was going to work, (in retrospect-i think i had the two mixed up in my mind, ex-husband and new stupid boyfriend), I met my now-husband. Is he normal? that is almost funny, as he is absolutely, definitely NOT normal. He is wonderful, sweet, funny, irritating, passionate, kind, honest...should I go on? I would NEVER have chosen him as my future husband-never in a million years. He is five years YOUNGER than me, that certainly was not my style. He looked like a little kid, like one of my little kids. He was adorable-funny, cute. Never been in a serious relationship in his life, was not looking for one. I seriously was not, either. I was never going to let my heart get involved again-never. And he was a good bet that would not happen. He was, in short, NOT my style. At all. And here we are. He loves me, he would have to. He has put up with me and my kids for the past twelve years. And that's saying alot. ALOT. I can be a pretty tough woman. I will have things my way. MY things, let me say, not all things. But I will do what I want, when I want. I ask little if anything from him. He asks nothing or little of me. We both just do as we please, when we please. But WE BOTH PLEASE TO DO IT TOGETHER. ALWAYS. No games, no fights, nothing. We are just happy to be together, most all if not all of the time. To me, that is sane and normal. I love him. ALL THE TIME. I am lucky.