Monday, February 25, 2008

Me? I'm just smiling...

I don't know how to tell you what's happening in my life without going on and on...and doing a huge amount of whining. I don't like to whine and wallow in the rough stuff in my life, although none of you have any idea that is the truth. I have been whining for so long, I'm sure you all think that is what I do. It isn't. I don't like the drama that creates whining, I don't like the uncertainty of things that create the fear and wallowing, I don't like any of it. But that's where I am at this point in my life, and I guess if you take me at all, you take it, too. But I do apologize for it, at least I am not oblivious to it.

Whine #1

I cannot get anything done at my job! I go in when we are closed, or stay late or whatever I need to do to get a few uninterrupted hours, and still, STILL, I cannot accomplish anything. Yesterday, in the six hours I was there, I had people everywhere. I knew that Steph was going to be there to do her and Son 2's taxes, that is not what I'm talking about. She came in, I showed her what needed to be done, and helped her when she needed it. That was not an issue. But then the cleaning people showed up, and yes, they are supposed to be there, and the woman that runs the business is a chatty little thing, and no...I could not tell her to shut her yap. As soon as they left, and I breathed a sigh of relief, got settled in to actually finish something, Owner showed up, and didn't leave. He wanted to talk, and wanted me to listen. He wanted to go over the numbers on the buy/sell, and he wanted to do it some more. I cannot tell him to get the hell out, I mean - doing that would not bother me, or surprise him, actually, but he is just in such a state, so unnerved over all that is happening, and like me when things are screwed up, I go to him, and he does the same. I looked at him and felt all the love and years between us, and I couldn't. He did apologize when he left, for taking what he knew was precious time that I shouldn't have been using that way, but I love him. And no, once again, not like that. It is the love of a best friend, a person that I admire in many ways, and want to kill because I do know him so well all the other time. By the time he left, I was past the point of coherent thinking, and I came home. Which leads me to whine #2-

I am so freaking tired, I think I could die from it. I know it's stress related in all ways, when I do manage to sleep, it's only for an hour or two at a time, and then I wake up with bad dreams or just plain worry grumbling in my stomach. Well, that and whatever I have eaten that evening, and twice now - for two nights in a row - I have woke up out of a sound sleep and lost whatever I did eat. Very strange for me, I am not a barfer, and I am wondering if this is a new way of getting my old friend, Mr Ulcer, back. That wouldn't surprise me, it seems at the roughest times in my life, he has shown up to help.


My damned neck is killing me. KILLING me. It too, is probably stress related, although it has hurt like a you-know-what since physical therapy, and that would be the physical therapy that I forgot about and completely blew off last Friday. Yes, it has been confirmed, I am losing my mind. I need to call them and put the rest of it off until after all this shit is over, but I am wondering when that will be.


I talked with Janelle last night, and she was a little down. It worries me, I cannot help it. She has been through so much, mentally and physically, I just cannot help but worry. I want so much for her to be having a good time with her bestest bud, but of course, you cannot leave the baggage at home.


My mom is having a surgical procedure tomorrow, and of course, I feel that I have to be there. She said it isn't necessary, but I cannot go to work and ignore the fact that they are going to put her all the way out, and shoot cement into her spine. She has a complete fracture in her T2 area of her back, and that has been causing all the pain, of course. It's amazing to me that it has taken them all this time to find it, as the bone is completely cracked. No wonder she can't stand up without excruciating pain. Her Dr swears, of course, that she will feel like a new person as soon as they do this, and I am certainly hoping so. But I still worry, she is going to be 73 years old in a couple of weeks, and the Dr's don't feel like she is physically up to regular surgery, so this is the alternative. It worries me more than a little - and I have to be there, for me.


I haven't had the time to even think about finding new employment, and that is worrying the hell out of me. I can't help but wonder who will want a tired, worn out and used up old hag like me. Seriously. I cannot even begin to think that I have any kind of brain power left, and even if I went right back into the same business, there would be new things that I have to learn. That is going to be an impossibility. I am past the point of being able to use my brain. I have financial obligations that are HUGE. I have and still do try to take care of everyone financially, and I am worried that I won't be able to do that anymore. I am uneducated, and have no desire or inclination to become that way. Holy crap. I keep trying to tell myself that things will fall into place, but I highly doubt that a new employer is going to walk into my current place of employment and seek ME out for a high-paying job. "Oh, there YOU are...I have been trying to find you so that I can ask you to come work for me, high pay, little don't even need to think." Yeah, that's happening.

Need I go on? Did I lose any/most of you? Bloody hell....

Have a good day. Smile alot. That's what I plan to do. :)

Oh-and just an FYI---You really shouldn't leave a full box of Cheerios open on the counter in the kitchen when you have cats. :)


summer said...

You're on overload for sure. I wish I had a magic wand. I'd fix it for you. Yesterday.

Foster Communications said...

It does sound like you deserve a good massage!!

I wish your neck was feeling better. It's too bad this is hanging on so long for you. I've found a good neck massage works better than PT, drugs or ice and it's a lot more fun! :)

SOUL: said...

hi jamie--

you really need to have a really really good binge. one of those forget the world.. drink til you're blind binges.

i'm really sorry things are so tough for you right now. and stop worrying that you are whining.. many of us.. would be doin a lot more than "venting"--- if we haD A shit list as long as yours. really, that is a lot of stuff goin on at once.

try-- TRY--- to take this one thing at a time. when you look at it all at once-- it is sure to drag you down, and make you sick.

i wish i knew the magic words , or had all the answers for you--- you know i would fix it for ya if i could.

i think you just need a trip so soulland. that's what i think.

or maybe you just need to leave the cheerios out more often? that had to be a little amusing?

anyhow--- i don't think i am making any bit of sense-- so i shall go---
i will look for you later-

TRY to have a good day-- take things slow-- and one thing at a time.


Smocha said...


here's a great big giant beer for you:)

when we look at the big picture ..things always seem HUGE.

But slowly all these things WILL work out. They always do

Hope you get to feeling better physically.

keep on smilin'

Smocha said...


here's a great big giant beer for you:)

when we look at the big picture ..things always seem HUGE.

But slowly all these things WILL work out. They always do

Hope you get to feeling better physically.

keep on smilin'


I think you need to postpone your week, put on a pair of nurses shoes with comfy SOULS, and head to Souls house to help her recover, and get some extra cushion in your step!

The last bit on the cereal brought a HUGE smile to my face! I remember that with cats..tricky fellas!

Best wishes with your mom's procedure!

Find sometime for yoU! Go to Soul's house!!!


Portia said...

I keep telling myself the same thing about things falling into place. Some days it is easier to believe than others. I hope your stomach is doing better, and things went well for your mom!

Anonymous said...

Just found your site...dang girl you need a break!!! You make me want to go drink an Ultra!!!
I will bookmark You!!
Hang in there!!
Pam 'Oh Da Woods

Kelly Jene said...

Do cats like Cheerios? Funny.

You are really going through it. With the amount of pain and stress in your life, I'd be surprised if you were holding it together with a true smile. That would not be human. ;)

Can you tell your doc the phys. therapy isn't helping?

Golden To Silver Val said...

Wow...That's a really good whine list. We all have them so don't worry about venting...its good for you. As far as PT, I hated it..they always hurt me and I really don't think it helped that much..but I could be wrong.
Jamie, you really do need to get together with a good friend and just have a good old girl talk. A Soul-land visit may just be what the doctor ordered.
Yes, you have to just do ONE thing at a time and kick stress's butt out the window. I know its easier said than done, but its possible and you know it. We women are used to multi-tasking, but your life has gotten out of hand. Slow down.
Try some of that Camomile tea to soothe your tummy and lull you to sleep. Think lazy, hazy thoughts and drift away.
I will be saying a little prayer for you, dear friend. Just remember...e-a-s-y does it.
Big hugs!

Brad said...

Hello Love,

Just wanted to stop over and say hi. I've been sitting here trying to work up a posting tonight but I give up, I got nothing. So it goes. Here's hoping your all snug with a good book or movie or something! Type to you soon.


desert dirt diva said...

sorry jamie it been so long...i can't believe you'll be out of work.. my friend of many years works in the cars buss. move to =cali and she'll hook ya up,lol...anys good luck with everything, hope ur daughter is fine...

ac said...

Is that all ya got? I'm still here. It's going to take a lot more than a little whining to run me off. HA!

I don't know why or how but in my experience life has always had a way of working itself out. Even when I was sure I was going down. I'm holding the thought that life will be equally fair in your case and work itself out for you as well. Keep the faith! ac

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Gypsy said...

I'm sure I don't have to tell you this but I'm guessing your tummy bug and painful neck are very much stress related. It's your body's way of screaming out to you to slow things down.

You certainly do seem to have more than your share of worries right now and like all the rest of your blogging buddies I wish I could do something constructive to help. Alas, Australia is a long way away.

I know you love to help everyone financially because that's what you do, but maybe just for a little while you can let everyone else fend for themselves and get yourself better before trying to get another job. You will find it really hard to concentrate on something new if you are so stressed out. I don't know how much more your body can take but you won't be good for anybody, most of all yourself, if you continue to push yourself this way.

I hope I don't sound unsympathetic because I care very much which is why I am trying to be firm here. Please Jamie, once this job is over, take a little bit of time to get yourself right. We only get one body and yours is at the end of its tether.