I don't know how to tell you what's happening in my life without going on and on...and doing a huge amount of whining. I don't like to whine and wallow in the rough stuff in my life, although none of you have any idea that is the truth. I have been whining for so long, I'm sure you all think that is what I do. It isn't. I don't like the drama that creates whining, I don't like the uncertainty of things that create the fear and wallowing, I don't like any of it. But that's where I am at this point in my life, and I guess if you take me at all, you take it, too. But I do apologize for it, at least I am not oblivious to it.
I cannot get anything done at my job! I go in when we are closed, or stay late or whatever I need to do to get a few uninterrupted hours, and still, STILL, I cannot accomplish anything. Yesterday, in the six hours I was there, I had people everywhere. I knew that Steph was going to be there to do her and Son 2's taxes, that is not what I'm talking about. She came in, I showed her what needed to be done, and helped her when she needed it. That was not an issue. But then the cleaning people showed up, and yes, they are supposed to be there, and the woman that runs the business is a chatty little thing, and no...I could not tell her to shut her yap. As soon as they left, and I breathed a sigh of relief, got settled in to actually finish something, Owner showed up, and didn't leave. He wanted to talk, and wanted me to listen. He wanted to go over the numbers on the buy/sell, and he wanted to do it some more. I cannot tell him to get the hell out, I mean - doing that would not bother me, or surprise him, actually, but he is just in such a state, so unnerved over all that is happening, and like me when things are screwed up, I go to him, and he does the same. I looked at him and felt all the love and years between us, and I couldn't. He did apologize when he left, for taking what he knew was precious time that I shouldn't have been using that way, but I love him. And no, once again, not like that. It is the love of a best friend, a person that I admire in many ways, and want to kill because I do know him so well all the other time. By the time he left, I was past the point of coherent thinking, and I came home. Which leads me to whine #2-
I am so freaking tired, I think I could die from it. I know it's stress related in all ways, when I do manage to sleep, it's only for an hour or two at a time, and then I wake up with bad dreams or just plain worry grumbling in my stomach. Well, that and whatever I have eaten that evening, and twice now - for two nights in a row - I have woke up out of a sound sleep and lost whatever I did eat. Very strange for me, I am not a barfer, and I am wondering if this is a new way of getting my old friend, Mr Ulcer, back. That wouldn't surprise me, it seems at the roughest times in my life, he has shown up to help.
My damned neck is killing me. KILLING me. It too, is probably stress related, although it has hurt like a you-know-what since physical therapy, and that would be the physical therapy that I forgot about and completely blew off last Friday. Yes, it has been confirmed, I am losing my mind. I need to call them and put the rest of it off until after all this shit is over, but I am wondering when that will be.
I talked with Janelle last night, and she was a little down. It worries me, I cannot help it. She has been through so much, mentally and physically, I just cannot help but worry. I want so much for her to be having a good time with her bestest bud, but of course, you cannot leave the baggage at home.
My mom is having a surgical procedure tomorrow, and of course, I feel that I have to be there. She said it isn't necessary, but I cannot go to work and ignore the fact that they are going to put her all the way out, and shoot cement into her spine. She has a complete fracture in her T2 area of her back, and that has been causing all the pain, of course. It's amazing to me that it has taken them all this time to find it, as the bone is completely cracked. No wonder she can't stand up without excruciating pain. Her Dr swears, of course, that she will feel like a new person as soon as they do this, and I am certainly hoping so. But I still worry, she is going to be 73 years old in a couple of weeks, and the Dr's don't feel like she is physically up to regular surgery, so this is the alternative. It worries me more than a little - and I have to be there, for me.
I haven't had the time to even think about finding new employment, and that is worrying the hell out of me. I can't help but wonder who will want a tired, worn out and used up old hag like me. Seriously. I cannot even begin to think that I have any kind of brain power left, and even if I went right back into the same business, there would be new things that I have to learn. That is going to be an impossibility. I am past the point of being able to use my brain. I have financial obligations that are HUGE. I have and still do try to take care of everyone financially, and I am worried that I won't be able to do that anymore. I am uneducated, and have no desire or inclination to become that way. Holy crap. I keep trying to tell myself that things will fall into place, but I highly doubt that a new employer is going to walk into my current place of employment and seek ME out for a high-paying job. "Oh, there YOU are...I have been trying to find you so that I can ask you to come work for me, high pay, little responsibility...you don't even need to think." Yeah, that's happening.
Need I go on? Did I lose any/most of you? Bloody hell....
Have a good day. Smile alot. That's what I plan to do. :)
Oh-and just an FYI---You really shouldn't leave a full box of Cheerios open on the counter in the kitchen when you have cats. :)