It's not even three am, and I am awake for the day. Pain in the neck - I'm being literal here- pulled me from my sleep, quite rudely. I would like to say that I am feeling as great as a couple of days ago, but that is not the case. Yesterday was actually quite frightful, as I got up and began my day, only to have the wind completely knocked out of my sails in she shower, and even standing became a problem for the first half of my Friday. After I spent a while uselessly crying about it, I did manage to salvage my afternoon and make it to work to get a few things accomplished. When my surgeon's nurse told me that it would feel like I was making a step forward then two back sometimes, she was right on the money. I suppose I have to say I just don't understand the nature of spine problems in the first place, so it's hard for me to understand the repair and recovery. I really am trying to just go with the flow, but patience has never exactly been my thing. Maybe I will have to have new "things" in 2008? I actually hope not, as the only way to learn patience is to endure issues, and I think there have been enough for awhile.
All kidding and all circumstances of my health aside, it honestly is time for me to make some very needed changes in my life. 2007 taught me that there is way more to life than working and frankly, I am tired. I am fairly certain that part of this decision has already been made for me, as the business that I work for is not sold yet, but I do think it will be in the next month or two. There are a few legal glitches to be worked out but I do believe they will be. I feel fairly confident that all employees there will be fine, all their positions will remain intact, except mine, as the new owner has made it quite clear that he will run the business. Since I run the business now, I see a problem. He may want me to stay around and do the accounting or be the office manager but I am not willing to take a cut in responsibility or pay and I do believe that the two of us would butt heads pretty quickly. I have always believed myself easy to get along with, but perhaps I am not, or I am just resistant to change...but I don't think it's usually very easy for anyone with the position I have had to take a step down and be told how to do it. It doesn't sound like anything I would be good at anyway. So, that may make me not easy to get along with... I don't know. I really don't believe that matters much, because I honestly am ready to take on something less challenging, something less smothering, in a new setting. It's time for us to knuckle down and get this old place sold, move to the city, and be done with small town life. I have had it with all the above. The idea excites as well as scares me. I have been in this house and that job for nearly a quarter of my life, a long time for me. H is ready to take on the major portion of the bread-winning, which he had always done, up until the past couple of years, when he made the move to do what he does now, only for the experience that it has gained him. That combined with his hard-earned business degree should put him in the right place, (assuming that his wife can stay on her feet). His options are endless and I think that idea has him a little overwhelmed, too. It will all work out, but the getting there and not knowing how is just a little (LOT) frustrating. These are the things that run through my mind at night, when I am unable to sleep.
It seems that just when the door closes on one crisis, there is always another to open, funny how life cannot be without at least ONE. Kids and their issues will be the death of me. This one has to have a job, and right now...that one is going to have a baby and things are not going so great with the FOB (father of baby), so old mom here is wondering if daughter will be raising it alone. Not that she can't, hell-it's done every day, but you all know how us mothers are...the third one, well - he seems to be doing pretty well right now, I can't help wondering if I just don't know, I do know that I am up to my neck in trying to keep their cars running...it's always money, money, money. They don't ask me, I do it because I know they can't. That is another reason I have felt that I have had to keep the job that I have, I make quite a bit of money, and my kids need quite a bit. Yes, I know, they're grown. I also know that it's a rough old world out there, and I help them alot. I am honestly not complaining..no one makes me do for them the things that I do. I had little to no help when I was young, and things are so much worse these days. I feel lucky if they are able to make all they owe for the month, and they have been doing that quite well for a while, it's the things that can wreck your budget that I help with, medications that are not covered by insurance (if they have insurance), medical bills, car repair bills, tires---lord that one gets me every time, the cost of tires, and they ALWAYS need tires. That is a huge pet peeve of mine--bald tires. I buy their tires. I still cover a few of their monthly bills for the younger two, I had planned on stopping that this month, but that hasn't happened yet. Like I said, it takes a ton to make it these days. And what about the baby that is coming? Holy crap---that will be an all new world, and obviously she has nothing yet. They are all struggling and as long as I can, I will help. Soon however, I won't be able to do that. Yes, these are the things I lay awake and worry about.
So, what's going through your mind at three am? I'm sorry to bore you all with what's on mine.
Have a good Saturday.