Saturday, January 05, 2008

It's three am, do you know where your worries are?

It's not even three am, and I am awake for the day. Pain in the neck - I'm being literal here- pulled me from my sleep, quite rudely. I would like to say that I am feeling as great as a couple of days ago, but that is not the case. Yesterday was actually quite frightful, as I got up and began my day, only to have the wind completely knocked out of my sails in she shower, and even standing became a problem for the first half of my Friday. After I spent a while uselessly crying about it, I did manage to salvage my afternoon and make it to work to get a few things accomplished. When my surgeon's nurse told me that it would feel like I was making a step forward then two back sometimes, she was right on the money. I suppose I have to say I just don't understand the nature of spine problems in the first place, so it's hard for me to understand the repair and recovery. I really am trying to just go with the flow, but patience has never exactly been my thing. Maybe I will have to have new "things" in 2008? I actually hope not, as the only way to learn patience is to endure issues, and I think there have been enough for awhile.

All kidding and all circumstances of my health aside, it honestly is time for me to make some very needed changes in my life. 2007 taught me that there is way more to life than working and frankly, I am tired. I am fairly certain that part of this decision has already been made for me, as the business that I work for is not sold yet, but I do think it will be in the next month or two. There are a few legal glitches to be worked out but I do believe they will be. I feel fairly confident that all employees there will be fine, all their positions will remain intact, except mine, as the new owner has made it quite clear that he will run the business. Since I run the business now, I see a problem. He may want me to stay around and do the accounting or be the office manager but I am not willing to take a cut in responsibility or pay and I do believe that the two of us would butt heads pretty quickly. I have always believed myself easy to get along with, but perhaps I am not, or I am just resistant to change...but I don't think it's usually very easy for anyone with the position I have had to take a step down and be told how to do it. It doesn't sound like anything I would be good at anyway. So, that may make me not easy to get along with... I don't know. I really don't believe that matters much, because I honestly am ready to take on something less challenging, something less smothering, in a new setting. It's time for us to knuckle down and get this old place sold, move to the city, and be done with small town life. I have had it with all the above. The idea excites as well as scares me. I have been in this house and that job for nearly a quarter of my life, a long time for me. H is ready to take on the major portion of the bread-winning, which he had always done, up until the past couple of years, when he made the move to do what he does now, only for the experience that it has gained him. That combined with his hard-earned business degree should put him in the right place, (assuming that his wife can stay on her feet). His options are endless and I think that idea has him a little overwhelmed, too. It will all work out, but the getting there and not knowing how is just a little (LOT) frustrating. These are the things that run through my mind at night, when I am unable to sleep.

It seems that just when the door closes on one crisis, there is always another to open, funny how life cannot be without at least ONE. Kids and their issues will be the death of me. This one has to have a job, and right now...that one is going to have a baby and things are not going so great with the FOB (father of baby), so old mom here is wondering if daughter will be raising it alone. Not that she can't, hell-it's done every day, but you all know how us mothers are...the third one, well - he seems to be doing pretty well right now, I can't help wondering if I just don't know, I do know that I am up to my neck in trying to keep their cars's always money, money, money. They don't ask me, I do it because I know they can't. That is another reason I have felt that I have had to keep the job that I have, I make quite a bit of money, and my kids need quite a bit. Yes, I know, they're grown. I also know that it's a rough old world out there, and I help them alot. I am honestly not one makes me do for them the things that I do. I had little to no help when I was young, and things are so much worse these days. I feel lucky if they are able to make all they owe for the month, and they have been doing that quite well for a while, it's the things that can wreck your budget that I help with, medications that are not covered by insurance (if they have insurance), medical bills, car repair bills, tires---lord that one gets me every time, the cost of tires, and they ALWAYS need tires. That is a huge pet peeve of mine--bald tires. I buy their tires. I still cover a few of their monthly bills for the younger two, I had planned on stopping that this month, but that hasn't happened yet. Like I said, it takes a ton to make it these days. And what about the baby that is coming? Holy crap---that will be an all new world, and obviously she has nothing yet. They are all struggling and as long as I can, I will help. Soon however, I won't be able to do that. Yes, these are the things I lay awake and worry about.

So, what's going through your mind at three am? I'm sorry to bore you all with what's on mine.

Have a good Saturday.

I'm out.


Anonymous said...

i guess a mother's job is never done...and it is good of you to still worry about them..but yes..they are grown and it's time that you were able to rest and not have to work so hard...especially in a job where you and the owner are likely to butt heads or you are going to be doing half of what you do now and be told how to do the other half! good luck.. but let's hope 2008 is a good one!

Beth said...

you never bore us with what's on your mind...sometimes you just need to "purge"..

and no, a mother's job is never done. You think when they're little, that things will get better once they get older...nope...doesn't happen that way. You always worry and always want to kill anyone that hurts them!

Gypsy said...

Those middle of the night worries are always the worst aren't they? Somehow the stillness of the night has a way of magnifying everything until it takes on a life of its own.

I think some of the changes you are thinking of making will be very good for you and H as well. Change is always a little frightening but sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith and know that it is for the greater good. You will make the right decision when the time comes for you to do so. I have faith that it will be so.

SOUL: said...

ya know--- i think that i don't like it when Gypsy beats me here. i'm just kidding. but she really does say a lot of really good and true stuff. (that i wish i could say first :))

anyhow--- she is right...

your head really was spinnin last night eh.. well this morning . that's a lot on your mind. i hope you felt a little lighter writing about it.

you know i'm a late night thinker too... and it would take a post about as long as yours to say all i think of at that time of day-- so i will spare your readers the boring details.

i do hope you have a much better day today tho-- both physically and mentally. hope you can relax a bit, and accomplish some heavy goals at work.

ok.. i will go now

Portia said...

You are so far from boring, Jamie. The bit about your future plans sounds quite exciting, if a little terrifying. I dont know how, but I know things will work out.
I'm sorry Friday was another rough one. I hope today you're feeling better and getting some rest...?
Have you ever checked out the tires at or The tires we buy are usually cheaper there and arrive UPS within days.

Golden To Silver Val said...

So much of what you say, I have experienced or am experiencing. We worry about our kids making it...we help them as best we can...then we worry that we are making them irresponsible because we're helping them. Its a vicious circle. And it never seems like one of them ALWAYS needs something. I guess the bottom line is that we have to follow our hearts. As far as change...Jamie, I don't like change either, but sometimes its for the best. Let God guide you as best as you can. Remember, when one door shuts, another one opens. You're in my prayers...take it easy and leave your worries to you know who. I know its easier said than done, but do try. Hugs, Val

Dave said...

One of the first times I have been here and I found you quite interesting! :-)

Hope you feel better as time goes on.

Take care


you and Soul are great parents! I admire you guys!


Amanda said...

That's quite a list Jamie. That would keep me up too!

It's good to write it all out, though. I often wish I could do this...

Cheryl said...

Everything is intensified in the middle of the night. Writing it down helps me sort things out. Yes...changes are ahead for you and therefore, your whole family. I think you need a sit-down with your kids. They should know about the changes, if they don't already. If you change jobs and move, it will affect them and they'll have to make the proper adjustments in their lives. In the end, it will all work out. It always does, and you have us here as your sounding board. And you are never boring.

I hope today was a better day for you!