Monday, March 05, 2007

A blob of nothingness

Oh my, I am quite out of it. I am taking the new pills, desperation will make you do things you don't want to, and I don' see how I am going to be able to function on these pills. And I am not in any less pain, at least not yet. I am taking three a day, I have to work up to NINE a day. This drug was originally intended as an anti-seizure medication, so I know it's fucking with my brain, and it scares me. Right now, all I can say is it sucks to be me. And then some.

Went to the big city yesterday, (again), I do think that Mom is improving. Slowly. That hospital is a depressing place to be, I feel so bad for her. She is trying to keep her spirits up, and doing a pretty good job. I would be a basket case by now, and I am proud of her for being as up as she is. I didn't get to be the way that I am on my own, you know. I had a teacher, it was her. She used to be hell on wheels like me. Maybe there is hope for me. Maybe.

H and I went to dinner after we left the hospital, it was nice. Then we went to a casino in the big city. And won. A little. And left. We got home about nine last night, I slept most of the way. I hate this medicine.

I am already late, I was up for a really long time in the night, then I went back to bed and got up late, of course. I hadn't planned to start this week like this, and I can already see that this is going to be a fucked up week, too. I cannot see how I will be able to even function on this shit, let alone be able to think and make decisions that don't get us sued. What am I going to do? I know that Owner has to be tired of my problems, they have been so overwhelming lately. He says he's cool with it, that if I can't walk, he will widen the doorways for a wheelchair, if I can't leave my house, he will see that I have the equipment to do the work from home, I am quite lucky, I know. What will he do if I am a blithering idiot and cannot utter a complete sentence? What will he do if I am a big old blob of nothingness? What will I do? Later.

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