Sunday, February 11, 2007

No success at positive

It has been two days since my last post, that must be some kind of a record. The reason is that I was out of town, but we did get back early last evening, and i just didn't feel like writing here. It was a good time, I was happy that we went, but glad to be home. Sort of. Having dinner with D and company really was a good time, I marvel at H's quick wit, as well as D's, and her friend is really quite funny, too. Needless to say, I spent the evening laughing, how can that be bad? Things between H and I are seriously off, however. Seriously. I really never thought I would find myself in this position again, just recently, things seemed to be going along just fine. I guess that's what keeps life interesting. If the truth were to be told here, and heaven knows that's what I do, then we need to split up, at least for awhile. Both of us agree, but neither of us know how to go about it. I am honestly too tired to deal with it. How is that for a reason? "yes, I am married, I have been tired". Do I still love him? Absolutely. Do I still respect and admire him for oh so many things? Absolutely. Do I want to puke at the thought of listening to another stupid joke? Absolutely. I think that us being apart would be the best thing, for him-for sure, but he says he wants to give it another go. I am not sure I am willing. I watched him with the high-five girl at the blackjack table on Friday night, he deserves a few high-fives of his own. And there is no way i can allow high-fiving when I am in the picture. What, that makes no sense? I think you get the idea. I think I will go mad at times, particularly when he is "being funny" and oh-heaven-help-us when he has an audience. I know that separation will break the kids hearts, at least the oldest two, but I have been putting them first in all things all their lives. I know that is my job, and I never resented it in the least, but do I not have a right to do what I want now that they are grown? I love H. I would miss him tremendously if he were gone. But I really want to be left alone. How is that for truth? I don't know if I don't love him enough, or if I am just being really selfish, I am honestly trying not to do that. If I were being self-centered, I think I would just keep him around until he could no longer stand me, and even then I am not sure he would go. He does a huge amount of "stuff" for me. Huge. I do the bare minimum and resent doing that. I have never been that way, I have always been a giver. Perhaps I am all gived out. I don't know. But I am beginning to feel guilty about the slant of this relationship. He deserves better, he should have better, and I cannot keep trying to do better. I cannot keep feeling so guilty all the time. I have tried to explain all of this to him, but we seem to speak different languages recently. I cannot understand that, either. I have never had problems making myself understood, as I am sure any of you know by now, if you read this at all. Shit. It seems way too complicated for five in the am on a Sunday, but that has been my excuse for a long time now-see, I am just too tired. On to more positive things-at least for now.

I couldn't wait to see the Bud Shootout last night, and damned if I didn't fall asleep before it really got going. Typical of me--but I watched it on the dvr at three this morning, yea Tony! It is Sunday today, hopefully it can be a good day--I plan to cook for a change, nothing too difficult, rotisserie chicken, but at least it will be a decent meal. I long for the Sundays that we used to have around here, happy days, fun days, lots of laughs and quiet moments between the two of us, it should be so simple to put it back together, and in theory, it is. But I said I was on to more positive things----damn. We are supposed to get (apparently) alot of snow here tomorrow, but hell, that's not positive. You know how excited I get about that, have i mentioned that I hate winter? And our little journey to the north to visit D made me realize that I WILL NOT be going back until at least July, it is motherf'ing COLD there. But that is not positive, either.

I am afraid that I am not too successful at positive today, so I will just sign off. Maybe later will be better. Hope that your Sunday is a good one.

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