Holy macinoley, Batman!

So yesterday---I had my day all mapped out in my mind. Of course, it didn't turn out that way. i ended up going to the whippy dip and slinging ice cream all afternoon, then I had to come home and make today's lunch for fifteen...(it is my assistants last day, and i thought it would be a nice gesture to provide a party for her...) not that i am ready for her to leave, I have in fact, sort of ignored her leaving until just the past couple of days, almost like if I pretend it isn't happening, then it isn't.... But she is going, and I have to deal with it. How, you ask? I have no freakin idea...

I am not able to walk this morning, yesterday did me in, not that I was in any kind of shape yesterday morning, and while i can get around with great difficulty, it is embarrassing. Everyone at work is used to it now, but i get really tired and resentful at the questions from customers.."you are walking like you are 10000 years old...what's the matter?" "You are limping, what happened?" "You sure are walking funny, what's he matter with your legs?" I usually tell them its an old foot ball injury, or an old war injury....because if I say anything more, I am going to bite their heads off. I think that is so rude....if you care about me, then ask. If you are merely nosey...then expect me to ask you why your nose is so big, or your gut hangs lower than your knees. Ugly? Yes. But it is the way I feel. I cannot post a sign on my back that says "I have MS, or I have Lupus....take your choice, until the medical community decides, call it what you want". But, some days, I really would like to. I have a dr appt this afternoon, in fact, and i have got to tell him that I need further help, although I believe he is out of options. I was so much better when the cymbalta dosage was higher, but we all know that leads to ridiculous sweating, and low sodium levels, and eventually a bumpy ride in the ambulance....shit. And speaking of cymbalta, I have been reading all sorts of horror stories about those that have been on it for awhile and then tried to quit taking it...it sounds like it's worse withdrawals than heroin, just what i need...

I am off to my day, I am already late. I still have to put the BBQ sauce on the pulled chicken, and i have to buy new buns for the barbecue chicken sandwiches as the kittys decided they might be a fun meal/toy. Swell. I also have to find a presentable bowl for the potato salad...do you guys know how much potato salad ten pounds of potatoes and fourteen eggs makes? A ton! Hope your day is completely awesome! Over and Out.

There's a tear in my beer

My mood is rather crappy this morning, and I have no real reason for it, tired, pain, the usual. But that should make today no different than any other, and I feel way different..... It honestly was a good weekend, and I had two whole days off, why would I be a pisshead this morning?

Yesterday, I rode my bike until I couldn't ride anymore, but that only took a little while, it seems this bike riding thing is getting harder, not easier. Then I could hardly walk when I got home, I managed to do the minimum...but I had my mom and stepdad and two of my kids here for dinner, so even the minimum was alot. I enjoyed it, though, and I hope my mom did. I don't see her often enough, and one day, I am going to wish I had.

Nascar ran their big race on Saturday night, and I like a night race, but i was so sleepy, I missed most of it. Tony came in fourth, so it was okay. Yesterday afternoon, I was a little lost without it, but I finished a good book. It was a nice, relaxing afternoon. I want more of those.

Monday again. A busy one at that. I am going in late, as I have to lay back down for a little while. I just don't feel right. I will catch you all here later. Out.

Moans and groans

Monday kicked my ass. Hot and sweaty, busy, one car deal after another, holding down the fort in the garage, employees with problems, customers with problems, home at eight thirty, fall on the couch, wake up at midnight...storms--loud ones. ugh. Nothing accomplished in my own original job---if I can remember what the hell my own original job is...behind....behind....behind.

But another day today. Tuesday is usually quieter. and shorter, and like Martha says"it's a good thing".

My legs are dying this morning, some of it self inflicted with my bike, some of it due to the rain...some of it just the joy of being me...

Happiness is solitude. Where oh where can i find it? Out.

Ta Da....

The one thing that I have always believed about life: ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. And that has been proven to me once again by the way this past week has gone. I am living single, and I have spent most of the week on my back, feeling like hell, for no apparent reason. No more. I am going back to work today, for a couple of reasons. Mostly, I cannot do another day in this house. And because I have so much to do. I am not expected back there until Monday, direct orders from Owner, but he doesn't understand the job I do. I certainly scared the hell out of everyone there. It made me feel so bad. Oh, and I spent several hours yesterday, waiting for some glitch between/hosp/dr/ins co to be resolved, apparently it never was, and i gave up. So tests are to be rescheduled. Okay, that's the update. I am still alive and kicking..it would take a hell of a lot more to get me all the way down.

I thought the whole world had heard this, but I told it to owner yesterday and since he is the joke king and had never heard it, I will take the chance:

Young man to woman on the bus....: "Excuse me ma'am, but why do you have a tampon behind your ear?"

Woman to young man on the bus....: "Good heavens, what on earth did I do with my pencil?"

Over and Out.

In the still of the night...

So yesterday did not start out well, I suppose all of you knew that by the previous post. I didn't feel well, but what the hell else is new? I tried to get it together and went to work. When I got there, things were particularly f'ed up, and i went about getting it straightened out. The service department in particular. I was still feeling weak and dizzy, but i pushed on because that's what I do. The next thing I know, I am laying on the dirty garage floor, an EMT patting my hand and face, saying my name. I couldn't move my head....because I had a head/neck/back brace on because I had fallen on concrete, but i didn't know that at the time. I took a bumpy ride in an ambulance, and spent a few hours at the hospital. Other than royally hurting my back from the fall, most things checked out okay. No anemia, no heart attack, no stroke. My electro-lytes (sp?) were out of whack, no doubt from all the damned sweating I do recently from the miracle medication. My blood pressure dropped quite low, although it wasn't when the ambulance arrived. I suppose a combination of the two can cause dropping like a sack of potatoes.Embarrassed? Hell yea. Pissed off? You know it. I am such a freakin' drama queen. I am tired of this bullshit. I have more tests this morning, and a dr appointment. Yippee fuckin yea. Out.

You can't roller skate in a watermelon patch

I know this is Friday, but i have to admit, it doesn't feel like it. I went through the whole day yesterday thinking it was Monday, maybe I really am losing it.

I ended up coming home early yesterday, at four, I couldn't make it any further, I was barely able to walk and in terrible pain, I am praying that this is only a temporary setback, from being on my feet for days in the service department, and having to do so in the extreme heat, because if it is anything else, I don't know what I'll do. Time will tell, I suppose. I am not great this morning, but I never am at this hour. Hopefully today, I will be okay. I have so much of my own work that is so behind, and I have not been able to get anywhere near it...I will have to work all weekend at this rate. But, that is nothing unusual, and I will if I have to. :)

It's funny what this blog has done for me---I feel like I have gotten to know so many people that I would never have had the opportunity to meet, if it weren't for this. Those that I actually know in real life rarely, if ever, bother to read what i have to say, and so many of you come by here to see how I am, it is truly surprising. It is also surprising that what I do have to say is anything but truly boring, mundane, normal life crap. And yet, I follow so many others, that have the same mundane, day to day things. Maybe we are all looking to see if our own lives are like everyone else's? Maybe we are looking to see that they aren't? I really don't know. But I find myself wondering how my blogging friends days are going, and if something is going on in their lives, I wonder how that is turning out....it's just funny. I am NOT a social person in my real life. I have told all of you that I have little time or use for most people, and that comes from so many turning out NOT to be what I thought they were. What I am trying to say is thank you. You each give me a new perspective on everything, something to think about, and always, always a smile or laugh. And that is wonderful. :)

I did the brain test yesterday---I was at work, and really had no time to post it but I was purple. I expected to be blue, and now i have forgotten what purple meant....but I wasn't too sure that i really was the way the test said I was...now I have to try the intelligence test, but I am afraid I will find out I am not intelligent... "So sorry....you are a complete idiot, void of any intelligence of any kind...perhaps you should find out what kind of mushroom you are"? Is that one of the results of this intelligence test? I shall have to find out.....

I should get my day going, I am a little late, as usual. I didn't even get to visit all my blogs this morning, but i will....I HAVE to know the details. I hope each of you have a great Friday, or Tuesday or whatever the hell day this is. Out. :)

Read the warning label

Boring. This is a warning, this post will be boring. About my health, and I know that you hate hearing about peoples' health problems, so move on, this will be boring. I have had a couple of people ask about it, and i will answer, but i will try to be really brief.

I have been sick since i was 29. Back then, there were no answers to my problems, no one knew what was wrong. Not much different than now. It was eventually blamed on Lupus, at mayo clinic, with minimally positive test results.At that time, I was quite ill, unable to work, and ready to blow my brains out with each new pill added. I took matters into my own hands when i was 31. I went off all medications, straightened out my diet, quit eating meat, starting exercising, and got my life back. Over the years, I have had flare-ups, and various health problems, some quite serious, but I have always managed to overcome, work through the pain, keep going. I have had a good doctor, that would pretty much let me tell him what I needed, and I have avoided all the bullshit that specialists generally put you through. I have avoided all medication like the plague, except for ibuprofen. In the past year, however, these tactics have quit working for me, and I am virtually unable to carry on with my life in the manner that I want. I am pissed off about it, because all the things that have worked for me these past years have quit. My doctor has retired, (after a scandal, but that's another story for another day). So, I am now seeing specialists. I hate it. I hate them. We are now back to what the hell is wrong with you, your test results show this, don't show that. I don't give a shit what you call it, just FIX it. DAMMIT. I am now in pain 24/7. I have neuropathy, and the pain in my lower half has become quite unbearable. I am apparently going blind, or some such shit. I am seeing a neurologist, because most of my problems revolve around the central nervous system. I hate doctors and all that they stand for. But I need them, and that makes me even madder. I have become a tough old broad, living with pain will make a person that way. But now, even this tough old broad can't take it any more. I am unable to exercise. And I am pissed. That's where i am. It sucks, I want it to go away, I will do whatever I need to-to facilitate that.Which is why I am on my way to see the good dr this morning, so that I can be stuck with needles in my legs and feet, and shocked intentionally. Not that this procedure will help me, but it's something I must endure, so that the good dr can figure out WHY I am in the shape that I am in. I frankly don't care why, I just care about HOW to fix it. Shit. So that's what is wrong with me. Other than being old. And bitchy.

Hope your day is good. Look at it this way, it HAS to be better than mine. Out.

Immobility....

Oh Holy Crap, am I in pain this morning. I knew I would be, yesterday went on forever, and i worked my tail off. Then we went out last night, and the night ended late, and I knew I would be in trouble as soon as I laid down. So far, nothing has even dulled the pain. Alcohol, anyone? No, a little too early, but damn, damn, damn. I have to get to the garage for a little while, at least, I managed to get very little accomplished yesterday. The ice cream store was quite busy, I was late getting back to the garage, and too worn out to do much. So, there you have my day. Except---H locked the keys in his car and we have to get to the garage to get the other set. He was quite irritated with himself, and tried to break in to it, but to no avail. I know this is not the way he wanted to start his day today, he is supposed to be at the rental house, painting. So, basically a typical morning in this household. I do have a guest, D has come home for the weekend, and I am happy to have her here. I would be happier if I could walk, and have her here, but I will take what I can get. I hope your day is wonderful......I am out of here.

A sad day

It was a good thing that I took yesterday off from work---I would have been unable to make it anyway. By mid morning, I was down for the count. Today is not going to be any better, I am barely able to make it across the floor - what the hell is going on? I am always in pain, but I have learned to deal with that, now I am too weak in my legs to walk. I have no choice but to go in at least for a little while, there are a couple of things that HAVE to be done this morning. I don't know how I will accomplish that at the moment. Swell.

Because I WAS sitting on my duff all day, i had no choice but to watch the continuing coverage of the massacre at Virginia Tech. What in the hell is happening to our country? Such horror and sadness---my thoughts and prayers go out to those directly affected by this tragedy, and I also grieve for all of us, that our world has come to this, such senseless tragedies, day after day.

I hope each of you have a great day. Out.

S-T-U-F-F

I have a house full of stuff-shit-junk-that has got to go. Now. I am so tired of all the STUFF stuffed into every available spot in my house. What is it? I have no idea. It's stuff. I asked H to please just rent a dumpster for a week or two. He doesn't want to do that-how can we just THROW all this stuff away? What the hell else are we supposed to do with it? He wants to have a sale. A garage sale. Have you ever had a garage sale? No friggen way. No way. It takes FOREVER to get that crap together, price it, display it, when it's all said and done, you are left with a garage full of unsalable shit, and about $112. My time or worth way more than that. I just want to pitch it. He says at the very least, give it away. To who? No one wants used stuff anymore. No one wants used clothes, kitchen items,furniture,exercise equipment, for example. No one. But I want it out of here. I would gladly donate it to anyone----but we have taken things to the second hand stores near here, and have been told that they had too much stuff already, and couldn't take any more donations at that time. I don't even know what alot of the stuff is, only that it multiplies like rabbits. Every time a kids moves away,comes back home,moves away again, more stuff is left here. I want to invoke a new rule: if it hasn't been used in the past twelve months, it has to go. H will never go for it, but I am going to try. I am being driven out of my own house by STUFF. Damn.

I cleaned my house late yesterday afternoon. I mean I really cleaned. It felt good, it looks good. But now I can't move---my legs are on fire. I knew this would happen, but I didn't think it would be this bad. I have to get better, at least for a while, I have nine people coming here for dinner today. I want to feel good so I can enjoy it. Plus, I have alot to do. It really makes me mad that I have to PAY for doing something that is sooooo required of a human being. But I won't go off on that tangent right now. I feel for you, reader. My whining can get old.I will save it for now. I will manage today, I always do.

One of the salespeople that works at the garage has a new grandson---born this past week. He is so beautiful. I cried when I saw his picture, I'm sure that the salesman thinks I am out of my mind. I don't know what happened, I just cried. I think I realized how badly I want a baby in my life right now. Not my own baby obviously, probably a grandchild. I may never have any of those, at least it seems that way at this time. YS will eventually have a child, I think, and this certainly isn't the time for it, but I just wanted it so badly at that moment yesterday. I know, it's stupid.I can barely speak of it at all to any of my kids, they get SO defensive. I don't mean it that way----I really don't. I just REALLY thought I would have one or more a long time ago. D says she will never have any, and perhaps she won't. I think we all believe that our kids will do the same as we did, and had she had children at the same age I did, I would have an eight year old grandchild now. I am not saying that is the way for her to do things, calm down D, but I really thought that is how it would be. Under the circumstances, I am happy she hasn't had children, as kids need both their parents, married and under the same roof, if possible. OS swears he never, ever, will have any, and i am starting to believe him. Maybe it isn't in any of their futures, and I find it hard to believe that it matters so much to me---and I know I sound so whiny, but I would be a wonderful grandma. I know I would. I also feel a need to caution myself, and remember that I need to be careful what I wish for. It could be that one of them will find themselves expecting a child, only to find out they are having triplets, or quadruplets(?). Wouldn't that be a hoot? I should probably get a dog and shut the hell up. I'm out.

No Cooperation

Ugh...not so hot this morning. My left hip/ leg keeps "catching" on something inside, and makes a weird noise/painful scraping when I walk. It is snowing. It is fucking SNOWING. I thought we were in the clear, and it is SNOWING. This winter is relentless. Have I mentioned that I hate winter? I know the snow won't last long, it will be forty-five degrees today, but I don't think we need it at all, are you listening to me, weather gods? Take it back, bring back the mid fifties, mid sixties, and don't let me see you for at least another three seasons. Damn. I don't know if I am going to make it to the garage today, it hurts to walk. I wanted to go to the big city for dinner tonight, although I am having a problem working out the logistics of doing that. One too many cars, no time to bring it home, then we will have to drive on SUNDAY to get it....Oh how lovely it would be to live in a place that has restaurants, just on the corner, places to go, things to do....I used to have that, way back, and I took it for granted. I moved to this small town hell, thinking it was the way to go, the best way to raise children, blah blah blah....I have learned that small towns have their own powers, their own legal systems, their own kinds of hell....freakin busy bodies, too much gossip, if they don't KNOW the truth, just make the story up....I hate it here, I think the people here are small minded. I keep to myself, I always have, and that does not sit well with those that must know who you are, why are you here,what do you do, what do you want...bite me. I will get out of here, soon. Unfortunately, I will go to a similar place, but it's a little closer to civilization. A little. I don't know what I will do today, I will try and get to work, but my leg is going to have to cooperate, first. Over and Out.

Continual M's

I am not happy. I abhor people that whine and carry on, then do nothing at all to change their life. I seem to be one of those people. I cannot find a decent place to live, the one that I want, and the only real choice in the small town in which I work has nothing available until the end of June, (that sounds so much sooner than July). So I will not be happy with my living arrangements until the summer? I don't like the sound of that. But I don't know what other choice I have. In the meantime, living here is making me ugly, I am so tired of all of it. So, here i am whining about it, again. By the end of yesterday, I didn't even have the strength to whine, I was physically and mentally exhausted. I went out and walked on my lunch break, and it was wonderful. The weather was unusually warm, mid seventies, the wind was really blowing, but still it was so beautiful. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, I didn't want to quit, but I had walked until I could not move anymore, almost thirty minutes, that's a long time for the new (pathetic), me. The pain came later. And did it ever ----it wasn't a good night. H worked late, I did laundry and that about killed me. This house is more than a century old, and I love the sweeping stairway, it turns, and there are eighteen steps from one floor to the next. Unfortunately, the laundry is in the basement, and the clothes all go upstairs , on the second floor. By the time I washed, hung up, dried, folded and put away the one load that i did, I wanted to cry. Not even pain pills helped. I was tired, and a nervous wreck by the time that I left work, nervous really isn't my thing, I have no idea what that was all about, I had received several phone calls, about my mom, and from D, things not going well for either, in any event, that had to be the reason, but i was ready to explode. I guess your could just say it wasn't a great day. I was a mess. And I am tired of it. I don't really think this medication that i am taking is doing too much good, I do think that the pain I am in is generally better, when I haven't been out walking, but the pain isn't GONE by any means, am I supposed to just settle for better? I don't want to be a forty seven year old cripple, I refuse to let that happen, but i am having a harder and harder time doing what i want, why the hell should I allow that? Damn it all to hell, I just dumped a nearly-full cup of hot coffee onto my desk, even on the keyboard, at least it works, for now anyway, the last time I pulled that stunt with a cup of tea, it took a little while for it to quit working, and type M's continually until I unplugged it, hell, damn, shit. I guess I should post this before the keyboard quits, maybe I will get lucky and it won't? I have coffee to clean up----later.

A blob of nothingness

Oh my, I am quite out of it. I am taking the new pills, desperation will make you do things you don't want to, and I don' see how I am going to be able to function on these pills. And I am not in any less pain, at least not yet. I am taking three a day, I have to work up to NINE a day. This drug was originally intended as an anti-seizure medication, so I know it's fucking with my brain, and it scares me. Right now, all I can say is it sucks to be me. And then some.

Went to the big city yesterday, (again), I do think that Mom is improving. Slowly. That hospital is a depressing place to be, I feel so bad for her. She is trying to keep her spirits up, and doing a pretty good job. I would be a basket case by now, and I am proud of her for being as up as she is. I didn't get to be the way that I am on my own, you know. I had a teacher, it was her. She used to be hell on wheels like me. Maybe there is hope for me. Maybe.

H and I went to dinner after we left the hospital, it was nice. Then we went to a casino in the big city. And won. A little. And left. We got home about nine last night, I slept most of the way. I hate this medicine.

I am already late, I was up for a really long time in the night, then I went back to bed and got up late, of course. I hadn't planned to start this week like this, and I can already see that this is going to be a fucked up week, too. I cannot see how I will be able to even function on this shit, let alone be able to think and make decisions that don't get us sued. What am I going to do? I know that Owner has to be tired of my problems, they have been so overwhelming lately. He says he's cool with it, that if I can't walk, he will widen the doorways for a wheelchair, if I can't leave my house, he will see that I have the equipment to do the work from home, I am quite lucky, I know. What will he do if I am a blithering idiot and cannot utter a complete sentence? What will he do if I am a big old blob of nothingness? What will I do? Later.

I'm mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round

It's Sunday----again. Wasn't it just Sunday? No NASCAR today...other than the busch race from Mexico City. Just as well, I suppose, I have to go back to the big city today, to visit my mom. I am not looking forward to another long car ride, seems that's all I do lately. I think H is going to go with me, today. Whatever. Things have not improved on the home front, although my lack of discussion on that subject apparently makes those that read this think that they have. I don't know where we are, I don't know where we are going. Sometimes things seem okay, sometimes they don't; most of the time I just feel total ambivalence on the subject. Whatever. I need a break, I need a vacation, I need something. It is March, my birthday is looming, and this year will be no better than the last, getting older just sucks. I am not happy today, apparently. It was a long, painful (literally) night, and I can't see too well this morning. I HATE doctors, I hate not being well, I hate not being able to see correctly, and I really need to get back to the eye doctor, I must need new glasses. So that appointment, I need to keep, just as soon as i can set one up that I can actually get to, as the one scheduled for this Friday won't work, either. H was going to take me, but his helper at the store will be gone for the next few weeks for a medical problem, so I am back to square one. Wouldn't you think that getting to a frickin' eye appointment would be easier than this? I have rescheduled the frickin thing FIVE times now. I learned a long time ago, that depending on anyone else for any damned thing was a stupid thing to do. Obviously, I was right. In any event, this day is beginning badly. I am really hurting, and I don't want to to take the damned pills that have been prescribed. I haven't started them yet, they scare the hell out of me. I don't want to get back on the medication carousel, it's not a fun ride. I am afraid that I won't be able to get off this time. On the other hand, I go to these freakin' doctors for help, what the hell are they supposed to do? Shit. I will talk to you later.

Friday Morning Rambling

When I got up yesterday, all things felt normal, pain of course, but no different than any other day. By the time that tried to get up and get my day moving,I was crying with it. I don't know where it came from or what happened. I eventually took a couple of pain pills, and asked H to drive me to work, at least for a couple of hours. Then I came home and laid on the couch all day, I was mostly unable to walk, at least walk WELL, as I could hobble a little, but that is so embarrassing. I am not a pain baby, I can take so much you wouldn't even believe it. So what happened to me yesterday was quite significant, and scary. Something has got to give here. I am beginning to worry that I am going to end up unable to work, or even do for myself. I know I couldn't take THAT. I am supposed to see yet another doctor on the twenty seventh, but of course, he will have lots of tests to run and be of no help, either. I just want HELP. I want my regular life back (I started to say "normal" but that's pushing it too far), back when I would have trouble every few months, and just for a couple of days. I thought that was a real problem then, but all things are relative, and the worse they get the more I can apparently deal with. Alot of the time, I cannot feel my left foot, or the toes on my left foot. That can make walking really difficult, it could be a pinched nerve or something, couldn't it? But then, wouldn't I have the problem ALL the time? The muscles in the back of my legs feel too short, like they have shrunk in length, and makes stretching them out painful sometimes, and walking a problem sometimes. Other times, they seem okay, although I always have pain there. I get terrible muscle cramps in them, in the damnedest places, in the front, in the back of the upper thigh, the regular calf muscle, in my feet, and in my toes. Weird, right? So many strange problems, and I am becoming such a whiner, I just want it to stop. All of it. Now.

Today has got to be better, I am not good this morning, hopefully that will improve. I promised chili dogs to the employees for lunch today. H said he will take care of most of it, says he needs the practice for the upcoming opening of the business. He is being nice to me right now, and that pisses me off even more, I hate when people are nice only because I am sick. Treat me the same either way. Too tired to fight now, or too sick. I will hold it 'til later.

If I had to be sick yesterday, I picked a good day to do it, at least the speed channel was running good racing most of the day, although I slept through the second race, the pills knock me out. The Daytona 500 is Sunday, I am ready. Tony won the first one - stupid Gordon won the second. Can't help but wonder what the big whiner Waltrip was thinking, teehee. You got to love the drama.

This is Friday, shit. Where has the week gone? I (think) I am having dinner for a crowd tomorrow evening, I really don't know yet, and I don't know if I'll be up to doing all of it, either. I feel like I have lost a couple of days....damn. I have to get through today, first. Then I have to work tomorrow, and this house looks like holy hell, although it wouldn't take too much to make it right...one day at a time right now.

I shall attempt to get myself going. Hope your Friday is good.

But now, there's nowhere to hide-

Good Morning, Friday again. Holy shit. This week has sucked ass, I have made more short trips to the big city than I care to repeat. But the good news is, my mom's on the mend, and I don't have a brain tumor. Other than that, it has just sucked. I have seen waaaay too many doctors, and there is no end in sight. I have to wait a few weeks to see the next one. In the meantime, I am still in serious pain, and there is no end in sight to that either. MS. MS. ms? I don't want that. I have suspected that i might have that for several years now. I have not been officially told that is what the problem is, but most likely, that will be the outcome of all this bullshit. It doesn't change anything, I don't give a shit WHAT you call it, just FIX it. I can't deal with the pain, and I am not a pain weenie. I am however a painPILL weenie. The dr would have given me just about anything to help me get through the next few weeks, but I can't take anything and function. So there you are. Wheelchairs and walkers? No. Not gonna do it, wouldn't be prudent. Not for me. So now what? Beats the shit out of me. Later.

Let's give 'em something to talk about

It was a long, long day. Things went fine, according to the doctor, she looked so small and frail, and so not well when she got out, but she wasn't sick, and seemed pretty good for what had been done to her. I hate waiting, I am not good at it. I had gone to work for a few hours before, and got there right at noon. They had already taken her to surgery, so I didn't get to see her before. That was not the way I wanted it. Hospitals seem to be unable to actually schedule things, and while I understand they have human issues that prevent things running on time, I wanted to see her before she went in. It didn't matter, though. All things were okay. I got to spend some time with both my sisters. That part was good. I don't think we are too much alike, or if we are I can't see it. But I love both of them. I am worn out through and through today, I guess the stress of the week is getting to me. Un-naturally tired, for some reason. I have to hurry off to work today, I have to interview a fella for the detail position, it's just a matter of choosing the RIGHT felon. It seems they all are. I have so much work to do, it's beyond behind. Way beyond. Owner will not be back to the garage for a couple of weeks, that will make things more of a mess for me. H is getting sick, I don't know what's up with that, he never gets sick. He is probably tired of driving my ass to the big city, and he gets to do it again this afternoon. It was after seven when we got in last night, it will be well beyond that this evening. Shit. Then tomorrow, we get to wake up and go again, leave here at seven in the morning, for another drive back to the big city. AHHHHH! I hate doctors, hospitals, tests, all the medical bullshit. HATE it. It's once again, a lack of control, and having someone telling me what to do, and we all know how I am about that. I don't have to do what they say, I realize that, but I am seeking out their help, so I tend to think that I should do what they ask, and i probably should do it like a big girl, without making an ass out of myself. That's asking alot, I don't know. I will get back to you on that one, after I get put into that big, long, LOUD tube where they inject shit into my arm and take RADIATED pictures of my brain and eyes, it will be good times, count on that. Yes, I know there really is no radiation involved in an MRI, I know it's MAGNETIC, not that it means shit to me. I will have to take out my earrings, I haven't done that for years, not since my H and kids gave me all these diamonds. I would be smart to do that this morning, and i won't have to worry about losing them. Shit. Another thing I have to change about me, tomorrow, I get to go to the big city without makeup. Fun times, good times. Fuck me. Really. Later.

Help.

I am on fire today, literally on fire, legs, arms, back. Shit. I am completely exhausted, the thought of all that I am required to do before 5:30 makes me cry. Help.

I don't feel like sharing

I don't feel like telling you that I am in pain again this morning. I don't feel like saying that sleep was impossible until the wee hours of the morning, and here I am, just after five. I don't feel like dicussing the fact that i want to scream from the fire in my legs arms back neck shoulders toes. So we will move on.

I don't feel like talking about the new round of difficulties/challenges that my kids are facing, or the fact that best friend of D got himself in trouble in a town three hours from here and that D went to counsel/console and that she is planning to move to said town in the next two weeks. I really don't want to talk about YS---although he has apparently been searching for a job in earnest and actually has an interview on tuesday. I'm not in the mood to talk about any of that.

Ditto on work issues challenges annoyances problems employees fucking creative accounting. Not in the mood to convey what a fucked up group of people that spend their time there each day, nor the fact that it feels like home to my own fuckedupness.

Don't feel like bragging about what a good girl I am and that we stayed in last evening and will for the rest of the weekend because I cannot bear the idea of going out due to wanting to lay my hurting body down and cry.

I guess I'm just not in the mood to post this morning. Later.

Anatomy class

It's early. I don't want to be up because I am still tired, but here I am. Today is Friday, not that it means much to be Friday, I have to work on Saturday. This week is all fouled up, and I don't really know what day it is. I spent last evening watching the first season of The Office, I hadn't seen many of that year, apparently I didn't think it was funny then, I love it now. That was about the only bright spot in my whole day yesterday, but you already know all about that. I am hoping for a better day today, although the signs are pointing to one about the same. My mood feels better, but i remembered to take the miracle pill last night, (could missing one night really make such a difference in the way I feel?). My pain level is nearing close to intolerable, I don't know why, i just want it to stop. The new NSAID that was prescribed for me is doing little if anything, the ibu's that I have lived on for so long worked, at least, even if they are going to put me into an early grave. I am hoping that new pills will become effective within a couple of days of taking them because all the joints in my body are screaming and wanting to literally refuse to work. Shit. On a different note, I got home last evening to a beautiful, newly painted entryway. H has worked really hard, it will be wonderful when he is all finished with it, although the entryway leads to the stairway, the stairway leads to the hallway, the kneebone's connected to the leg bone, etc. So, it could be awhile before he gets this job all finished. UGH, my stomach is not right, will talk later.