What pickle bucket?

It's technically Monday morning, although if the truth were to be told, this has to be the middle of Sunday night. For whatever reason I cannot sleep, again. Go ahead and choose one, any will do. I think the biggest one is coughing---I am fine when I am awake, or I have been anyway, but when I lay down, I start coughing. I think I need a Dr today, because actually, I am not feeling the best, this cold feels like it is turning into something worse.

Okay, so I had THE best time yesterday. Soul is such good medicine - for the soul. Have I mentioned how wonderful a person I think she is? Not that we even talked about anything - of any importance. It wasn't that kind of time together, both husbands were there, the time was too short...and if I were to tell you all the truth, both of us were strangely quiet, for us, that is. We ate like piggies, which is what I always do at Red Lobster, it is my JOB, and the guys made jokes, and ate like piggies, and my husband coughed and hacked and coughed some more, but that's another story...but we sort of sat there and relaxed and we were able to let down our hair and breathe...and it has been a long time since I have had the chance to do that. We talked of everything, and we talked of nothing and it was just good. She and soulman are really good together. He takes care of her---protects her, worries over her, and yet, not in an overbearing way, not in a way that offends. I respect him tremendously. She looks wonderful but beat and she needs more fun and happy. I think she's getting there. She was astounded at my recovery, since the last time we saw each other, I couldn't walk, and when I left her she cried because she was afraid perhaps I wouldn't ever be able to. Now, she had to remind me to slow down - which I will be more careful to do in the future. :) We did laugh a little, and we didn't cry, although I think maybe we could have, but that would have been okay, too. It's funny where this life leads you, and who it leads you to. And like Forest, I guess that's all I have to say about that.

When we got home, D was here waiting, and quite ready for me to return. She had a good day, everything was fine, but she is quite anxious, understandably. Tomorrow is the appointment with the specialist, and of course, I am praying that all things are perfect, that what was seen on the ultra sound was a mistake, and that nothing is wrong. And things like that have happened before, so it would not surprise me. Plus, I believe that God answers prayer - so that outcome is more than possible. But I am also trying to prepare myself for less than good news but I am having a hard time believing that is the case. I have decided though that I can deal with whatever comes - I am not on this earth for anything less than doing whats expected of me. It is and always has been my job to see that my kids get through whatever they need help with, and should this turn out to be less than perfect circumstances, I am here to help her through it. I do believe in God, I do believe in meant to be's, I do believe in timing, so what will be, is going TO BE. It is up to us, as God's children, to pick up the pieces and carry on, and learn from what has happened. That is the only positive that could be gained in something like this, should be worst be realized. Unfortunately, we don't come into the world knowing anything. The only way we learn is heartache and hardship...and going by that theory, some of us should truly be scholars, shouldn't we?

And another Monday is upon us. Ugh. I wish I could say I felt better this morning. I think I have been running for too long, working too hard, with no downtime. And I do think I won't get better until I get myself to the Dr---I had really thought I might be able to get a cold, and just get over it. Right...so I think I will make an appointment with the regular Dr today, I'm tired of not sleeping.

Oh, just to catch you all up: My mom is not better, but she is cancer free. I am happy to hear that - I was really worried that they would find bone cancer, she sure has had specific pain for a long time, and that was really the only explanation left. However, she is clean. Great news, except, she is still in awful pain, and now what? They have checked everything, done every test...but no cancer sounded wonderful to me.

The rental house is sold and the closing is this Wednesday. I will be so happy to be rid of it- and the payment. :)

Have a great, great Monday, if that is possible. :)

I've got Soul

Well, Good Sunday Morning to you all! It's 3:36 in the blessed am, and I am up and heading for the shower. Today, the weather is going to be sunny and nearly warm here - in the forties. (After the deep freeze we have been in, we will all be wearing out shorts!) But where H and I are going, it will be 60 degrees! That is itself is a cause for celebration, but that's not all, because we are driving six or so hours south(ish) to meet Soul and Soulman, who drove six or so hours north(ish) last night. We will have a long lunch and turn around and drive back home, but it will do me a world of good to see my friend, and I know it will do the same for her. Frankly - we need to laugh, and with the two of us, that is guaranteed. :)

That is assuming of course, that once I wake D, all things are still okay. I have a little anxiety at leaving her for so long, but we will be no more than a few hours away. She is nervous about it too, although she wants me to go. My oldest son is coming here later to stay most of the day, and they always have a good time together, so she won't be alone all day.

I want to thank each of you for all your kind words here, and on D's blog. Your encouragement has meant alot to me, and she is really surprised at how wonderful each of you are. I, of course, was not. :) I also need to apologize for not making it to your blogs as regularly as I want to, but after this week, that will change. I have still been working really hard, then falling onto the couch, but I am almost caught up. It's a good thing, too - as the end of January is almost upon us...but I wanted to let you know, that I will be back to read each of you every day like I always have, soon. I have missed so much with you guys---or I have read it, but haven't had the time to comment.

I hope you all have wonderful, peaceful days today. I hope your weather is going to be as beautiful as mine.

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

I woke up ridiculously early this morning, even for me. Pain is getting to be a real problem these past few days, and yes, I do have pills for that, but I only take them after my workday is over, and taking one at two in the morning would be out of the question if I want to act like I have half a brain at work in the morning at eight. My work hours are getting shorter and shorter and my list of things to accomplish before Tuesday grows longer, since I really have no idea how long I will need to be home after the surgery. I really wanted to be here recovering without worrying (yea right) about the job. It seems that I am the one that is going to make that impossible as I am the one incapable of doing what needs to be done to get me to that point. I get really irritated with myself, as I really believe that if I were a stronger person, a tougher person, a more caring, interested, a better person, I would/could do a better job, regardless of the circumstances. Yes, I know, no need to tell me how whacked out I am. I realize that is a stupid thing to say with one part of my head, believe me. But you all need to realize that if I were not that kind of thinker, then I wouldn't have gotten this far in the first place.... Soul tells me all the time, along with others that matter to me, that they would have given up and quit trying to work, among other things, months ago. First of all, I do not have that choice...and perhaps that would make no difference, I don't know. Secondly, this kind of thinking, that I describe now, is what makes me get up and fight, every day of my life, regardless of the pain. Perhaps it is a good thing, perhaps is isn't. Folks say that being strong is good....I am beginning to think it isn't. But what do I know, hell, it's three am, and I am in a huge amount of physical pain right now. :)

Well this blog entry certainly is not going in the direction I thought it would...but onward.

I have gotten several emails from you all wanting to know how you would be updated about my surgery and wanting to know how long I will be in the hospital, etc. I plan to ask my ultra smart, talented, educated, beautiful daughter to post at least once for me while I am in the hospital---once should be more than enough, as if things go right, I will only be there overnight. She will (I'm sure) let you know that I am fine and when I should be home. After that, depending on how I feel, I will be back with you in a few days. I have zero idea what to expect, but I know I will miss you all if I am away for more than a couple of days....

Oh--this is Friday, isn't it? Wake up Jamie, good heavens. I have alot to do today, but then I did yesterday, and I came home around noon, with big plans to get much finished here. Riiight.I took pills for the burning pain, then mostly, I was worthless. We did get around four inches of snow...oh how I don't love snow. I don't even like looking at it...except for maybe on that rare occasion that I don't have anywhere to be, nothing to do...and perhaps on Christmas Eve.

I have busy plans for my weekend, to keep my mind off of my upcoming surgery, or throat slashing, as I like to call it, and no one else wants to hear...but that is what they are going to do...but anyway, I intend to take pills for pain and go places all weekend, then literally work myself to death on Monday, so that by Tuesday, I will be so exhausted, I will just lay down on that table and say "have at me, boys". teehee Come on...you all know that's funny.

I have had the nicest folks, people I didn't even know cared about me come into the garage, or call me AT HOME, to tell me they are thinking about me, and are wishing me well, one even said they would probably see me at the hospital (wasn't thrilled about that one, but what are you gonna do), and it has surprised me so much. It's funny how you don't even know who knows you are alive. I was thinking about that yesterday, and I felt so blessed. Surprised, but blessed. See Mom, people DO like me. ;) Look Ma, no hands.....Geez, go back to bed.....

I just thought I would tell you all I have the best kids in the world. They will all be home on Sunday to put up my tree, and I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to it. :)

This morning, the song was "Hello". You know the Lionel Richie song from the 80's. :)

I hope you all have a great Friday.

Only on days that end in Y

I am stronger this morning, temporary---I'm sure, but I will take it. I knew I would be, after a day of resting and sleeping. My appointment with the surgeon has been moved up to Monday. My neurologist' nurse told me to take is easy until then, I told her I would do my best to do that at work. I did have a talk with Owner on the phone and he explained that he has trouble looking at me in my current condition, I do understand that, even though I know you all will have negative things to say about that, and I am not defending him in any way, but it really is a relief to him when I am not there, he cannot deal with me in my current condition. Some people can't handle the ugliness of illness, and me not being able to walk really is pretty ugly. He wouldn't have told me that, but I made him. It is that helpless feeling that everyone around me is feeling, and some can't handle it at all, so they act mad. My own daughter handles it about the same way. So, at least I understand a little.

So today, I will work, at least the best I can. This is the worst possible month out of the whole year that this could happen to me, work wise. Well---other than January, I suppose. But anyway, one way or another, I will get it all finished. GMAC writes all the paper on our vehicles, (that means they have the floor plan---the loans) and every October, they have to have the contract renewed on the business and on the Owner, and that takes an enormous amount of time and paperwork, and they go through my numbers with a magnifying glass. My deadlines on EVERYTHING is the 31st, and they honestly could care less whether I die, they just want their numbers. You all know how business is. And I really do appreciate that you think there is someone else that should/could be able to help me, but honestly----there is not. We are a very small business...I do all the tax work, and I have all that to contend with, the end of the quarter reports, along with the other things, and by the time I explain to an outside party HOW to do it, I could do it. But I will manage to get it finished. What does surprise me is how much pain takes away my ability to think straight. I have quit taking pain medication at work, for this very reason, and still sometimes getting one thought from here to there can be quite a process. I have quit trying to over see other things on the job, such as what's going on in the back, but that does lead to other issues, and really, now the inmates are running the asylum once again...and yes, I know owner should handle things, but the employees do no go running to him and that is not their fault, they have learned over the years not to, so things are just running amuck. Isn't that the greatest, most descriptive word? Although I am not sure that things can run amuck, maybe only people can do that, but if that is the case, rest assured that is happening as well. :)

I hope each of you have great, great Fridays. I want to thank you all, once again for lifting my sad, sad spirits when I have needed you to. You are all the best. Later.

The weekend

So, I am back. It was a really, really good weekend. We drove twelve hours to the south...one direction, to meet my new friend, (and yours too, I'm sure) Soul. And we had an absolute blast. We could only be there one full day, Saturday, but we made good use of the time and packed alot into it. H thought I was crazy when I asked him to go, but he ended up having alot of fun as well. I am in pain this morning, but that is to be expected, and certainly no different than I would have been, 24 hours in the car or not.

Let me tell you---she is every bit as crazy in person as she is in blog land. I laughed until i hurt. The whole day. We discovered that we are so very like minded, just two different bodies. She and her very kind husband have a beautiful home and a sweet, beautiful daughter, and yes, she would kill me if she knew I said this about her, because it just isn't cool to be sweet you know but the truth is the truth. They were very gracious hosts, and I was quite sorry to see the day end. H and her hubby got along very well and that was quite a bonus.

Apparently, this is a very unusual thing to do....going all that way to meet a friend, or maybe to meet a friend that i haven't yet met in person, or maybe it was just that it was such a distance and a short period of time...I don't know, but it certainly was met with a lot of negativity. She and I have been friends for quite a while now, just not in person, we have talked online for months, and actually know one another very well. Why did I do it? Obviously, she means alot to me and it was the right thing to do. I cannot tell you why, other than it was one of those things that gets put off and never happens if you don't just do it. I generally would not drive across town to visit a friend, most people are not that important to me. So, she is special to me, and that is why anyone that knows me was surprised. The timing certainly was bad, at least work-wise, for me. But it was the right time, otherwise. And it felt right, and she seemed good with it. I know I surprised everyone in my life here at home, my own kids said "nah-uh, you are not". That's rather telling. But, anyway, that is where we went. And it was great, and certainly worth it. Doing things that usually get put off for a "better time" is part of the plan that H and I decided many months back had better be put into place now----life is for the living, and you only get one shot at this. It doesn't make sense to you, negative person in my life? I'm sorry....So, anyway....it was great!

Well, today I have to visit the Dr, before I visit the job. Lovely. Then, I work until eight tonight. And it starts again. Another week has begun. Did I mention it must be Monday? That's right, it is...have a great one! Later.