If spilling my guts (as it were), weren't so hard for me to do...then I would tell you all that I am having one of the worst weeks of my life. One of the most difficult, I can't seem to find God anywhere, I'm lost and can't seem to find myself weeks. But...I am not that kind, so I cannot tell you all that.
I can tell you that I have hurt my back somehow and it's really kicking my butt. There is a muscle low in my ribs that is killing me on my side and in my back and no matter what I do, I cannot get comfortable. Walking very far is out of the question, laying down doesn't work, sitting hurts, and heaven help me if I hiccup! This started on Monday night, and I have no idea what I might have done to it.
It's Friday once again. Wasn't it just Friday, like a couple of days ago? I think senility might be setting in.
Have a happy weekend. :)
Showing posts with label Pity Party. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pity Party. Show all posts
Friday, November 14, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Me? I'm just smiling...
I don't know how to tell you what's happening in my life without going on and on...and doing a huge amount of whining. I don't like to whine and wallow in the rough stuff in my life, although none of you have any idea that is the truth. I have been whining for so long, I'm sure you all think that is what I do. It isn't. I don't like the drama that creates whining, I don't like the uncertainty of things that create the fear and wallowing, I don't like any of it. But that's where I am at this point in my life, and I guess if you take me at all, you take it, too. But I do apologize for it, at least I am not oblivious to it.
Whine #1
I cannot get anything done at my job! I go in when we are closed, or stay late or whatever I need to do to get a few uninterrupted hours, and still, STILL, I cannot accomplish anything. Yesterday, in the six hours I was there, I had people everywhere. I knew that Steph was going to be there to do her and Son 2's taxes, that is not what I'm talking about. She came in, I showed her what needed to be done, and helped her when she needed it. That was not an issue. But then the cleaning people showed up, and yes, they are supposed to be there, and the woman that runs the business is a chatty little thing, and no...I could not tell her to shut her yap. As soon as they left, and I breathed a sigh of relief, got settled in to actually finish something, Owner showed up, and didn't leave. He wanted to talk, and wanted me to listen. He wanted to go over the numbers on the buy/sell, and he wanted to do it some more. I cannot tell him to get the hell out, I mean - doing that would not bother me, or surprise him, actually, but he is just in such a state, so unnerved over all that is happening, and like me when things are screwed up, I go to him, and he does the same. I looked at him and felt all the love and years between us, and I couldn't. He did apologize when he left, for taking what he knew was precious time that I shouldn't have been using that way, but I love him. And no, once again, not like that. It is the love of a best friend, a person that I admire in many ways, and want to kill because I do know him so well all the other time. By the time he left, I was past the point of coherent thinking, and I came home. Which leads me to whine #2-
I am so freaking tired, I think I could die from it. I know it's stress related in all ways, when I do manage to sleep, it's only for an hour or two at a time, and then I wake up with bad dreams or just plain worry grumbling in my stomach. Well, that and whatever I have eaten that evening, and twice now - for two nights in a row - I have woke up out of a sound sleep and lost whatever I did eat. Very strange for me, I am not a barfer, and I am wondering if this is a new way of getting my old friend, Mr Ulcer, back. That wouldn't surprise me, it seems at the roughest times in my life, he has shown up to help.
#3
My damned neck is killing me. KILLING me. It too, is probably stress related, although it has hurt like a you-know-what since physical therapy, and that would be the physical therapy that I forgot about and completely blew off last Friday. Yes, it has been confirmed, I am losing my mind. I need to call them and put the rest of it off until after all this shit is over, but I am wondering when that will be.
#4
I talked with Janelle last night, and she was a little down. It worries me, I cannot help it. She has been through so much, mentally and physically, I just cannot help but worry. I want so much for her to be having a good time with her bestest bud, but of course, you cannot leave the baggage at home.
#5
My mom is having a surgical procedure tomorrow, and of course, I feel that I have to be there. She said it isn't necessary, but I cannot go to work and ignore the fact that they are going to put her all the way out, and shoot cement into her spine. She has a complete fracture in her T2 area of her back, and that has been causing all the pain, of course. It's amazing to me that it has taken them all this time to find it, as the bone is completely cracked. No wonder she can't stand up without excruciating pain. Her Dr swears, of course, that she will feel like a new person as soon as they do this, and I am certainly hoping so. But I still worry, she is going to be 73 years old in a couple of weeks, and the Dr's don't feel like she is physically up to regular surgery, so this is the alternative. It worries me more than a little - and I have to be there, for me.
#6
I haven't had the time to even think about finding new employment, and that is worrying the hell out of me. I can't help but wonder who will want a tired, worn out and used up old hag like me. Seriously. I cannot even begin to think that I have any kind of brain power left, and even if I went right back into the same business, there would be new things that I have to learn. That is going to be an impossibility. I am past the point of being able to use my brain. I have financial obligations that are HUGE. I have and still do try to take care of everyone financially, and I am worried that I won't be able to do that anymore. I am uneducated, and have no desire or inclination to become that way. Holy crap. I keep trying to tell myself that things will fall into place, but I highly doubt that a new employer is going to walk into my current place of employment and seek ME out for a high-paying job. "Oh, there YOU are...I have been trying to find you so that I can ask you to come work for me, high pay, little responsibility...you don't even need to think." Yeah, that's happening.
Need I go on? Did I lose any/most of you? Bloody hell....
Have a good day. Smile alot. That's what I plan to do. :)
Oh-and just an FYI---You really shouldn't leave a full box of Cheerios open on the counter in the kitchen when you have cats. :)
Whine #1
I cannot get anything done at my job! I go in when we are closed, or stay late or whatever I need to do to get a few uninterrupted hours, and still, STILL, I cannot accomplish anything. Yesterday, in the six hours I was there, I had people everywhere. I knew that Steph was going to be there to do her and Son 2's taxes, that is not what I'm talking about. She came in, I showed her what needed to be done, and helped her when she needed it. That was not an issue. But then the cleaning people showed up, and yes, they are supposed to be there, and the woman that runs the business is a chatty little thing, and no...I could not tell her to shut her yap. As soon as they left, and I breathed a sigh of relief, got settled in to actually finish something, Owner showed up, and didn't leave. He wanted to talk, and wanted me to listen. He wanted to go over the numbers on the buy/sell, and he wanted to do it some more. I cannot tell him to get the hell out, I mean - doing that would not bother me, or surprise him, actually, but he is just in such a state, so unnerved over all that is happening, and like me when things are screwed up, I go to him, and he does the same. I looked at him and felt all the love and years between us, and I couldn't. He did apologize when he left, for taking what he knew was precious time that I shouldn't have been using that way, but I love him. And no, once again, not like that. It is the love of a best friend, a person that I admire in many ways, and want to kill because I do know him so well all the other time. By the time he left, I was past the point of coherent thinking, and I came home. Which leads me to whine #2-
I am so freaking tired, I think I could die from it. I know it's stress related in all ways, when I do manage to sleep, it's only for an hour or two at a time, and then I wake up with bad dreams or just plain worry grumbling in my stomach. Well, that and whatever I have eaten that evening, and twice now - for two nights in a row - I have woke up out of a sound sleep and lost whatever I did eat. Very strange for me, I am not a barfer, and I am wondering if this is a new way of getting my old friend, Mr Ulcer, back. That wouldn't surprise me, it seems at the roughest times in my life, he has shown up to help.
#3
My damned neck is killing me. KILLING me. It too, is probably stress related, although it has hurt like a you-know-what since physical therapy, and that would be the physical therapy that I forgot about and completely blew off last Friday. Yes, it has been confirmed, I am losing my mind. I need to call them and put the rest of it off until after all this shit is over, but I am wondering when that will be.
#4
I talked with Janelle last night, and she was a little down. It worries me, I cannot help it. She has been through so much, mentally and physically, I just cannot help but worry. I want so much for her to be having a good time with her bestest bud, but of course, you cannot leave the baggage at home.
#5
My mom is having a surgical procedure tomorrow, and of course, I feel that I have to be there. She said it isn't necessary, but I cannot go to work and ignore the fact that they are going to put her all the way out, and shoot cement into her spine. She has a complete fracture in her T2 area of her back, and that has been causing all the pain, of course. It's amazing to me that it has taken them all this time to find it, as the bone is completely cracked. No wonder she can't stand up without excruciating pain. Her Dr swears, of course, that she will feel like a new person as soon as they do this, and I am certainly hoping so. But I still worry, she is going to be 73 years old in a couple of weeks, and the Dr's don't feel like she is physically up to regular surgery, so this is the alternative. It worries me more than a little - and I have to be there, for me.
#6
I haven't had the time to even think about finding new employment, and that is worrying the hell out of me. I can't help but wonder who will want a tired, worn out and used up old hag like me. Seriously. I cannot even begin to think that I have any kind of brain power left, and even if I went right back into the same business, there would be new things that I have to learn. That is going to be an impossibility. I am past the point of being able to use my brain. I have financial obligations that are HUGE. I have and still do try to take care of everyone financially, and I am worried that I won't be able to do that anymore. I am uneducated, and have no desire or inclination to become that way. Holy crap. I keep trying to tell myself that things will fall into place, but I highly doubt that a new employer is going to walk into my current place of employment and seek ME out for a high-paying job. "Oh, there YOU are...I have been trying to find you so that I can ask you to come work for me, high pay, little responsibility...you don't even need to think." Yeah, that's happening.
Need I go on? Did I lose any/most of you? Bloody hell....
Have a good day. Smile alot. That's what I plan to do. :)
Oh-and just an FYI---You really shouldn't leave a full box of Cheerios open on the counter in the kitchen when you have cats. :)
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Please pass the pills
Well I have survived the hangover and I've lived to tell the tale, although there isn't too much to say, I merely drank a couple too many Michelob Ultra's. Mark and I went out Friday night to our favorite casino - something I absolutely had to do, just to let off a little steam. I am a bit of a lightweight when it comes to my alcohol, and I over-did it. I don't get drunk enough for others to notice, but I could sure tell yesterday morning. Ugh. It has been years since I suffered like that for that reason, and a good lesson for me - because I don't want to feel that way again. I think alot of the reason was that we got in at three, and I had to get up for work. Yes, it was a good day-and I'm being facetious here - as I had to work until three in the afternoon, then Mark and I had to drive to the city to feed the fish, and I mean ONE FISH, A fish. We drove for two hours to feed a goldfish. Yes, I know, no one ever said I was smart. But the fish belongs to Janelle, and it's residing up in Des Moines in her unused apartment, and it has to be fed at least once a week, so that was the deal. I don't believe in animal cruelty of any kind, but in this case, I think it would be so much better to flush the damned thing. If she were still little, that's exactly what I would do, and buy her another before she gets back. (Calm down Janelle, I'm not doing that). So after I fed the fish and collected the mail, we met son 1 and 2, and the girlfriend for dinner, at the Outback. I haven't seen my youngest in what felt like forever, so it was nice to spend a couple of hours with him and Steph - she is just like one of my own, too. We were home by 9 pm last night, and I think I was asleep by 9:01. Ah, the excitement that is my life.
This morning, I am up and having to go to work, again, I simply cannot get my work finished during business hours - and time is running out on me. I would SO much rather go back to bed, cook a meal, watch my NASCAR...but I have only five days left and about five weeks of work to accomplish. If you all should not see me here as regularly, have no fear - I am only covered up by my job and I will return to my usual thang after this nightmare is over, by the end of this week.
And what a nightmare it is - I am having trouble getting it through my head that in just a short time, my whole world will be changing and gone, at least the world as I have known it. My office is just about like my home - full of things that belong to me, things that mean something only to me... and the task of moving out of it will be almost as bad as moving from my home. I have a refrigerator, a table, a coat rack, lamps, a tv, my computer, gazillions of pictures on the walls, what seems like a thousand cards and letters to bring home, all the business records from the ice cream store, many business records from the race track, all of my own business records, tax records, and all of Owners, too...when I think of all of it, my head spins. My office itself was built specifically for me, it is the only private office in the place, it's huge and has a door--and for that reason, I expect that Mr. New Owner will be anxious to take it over, along with the rest of the place. The dealership was built with a no-door policy, all the sales offices are open and the business offices are all in one large room. When I came there, I insisted that I had to have a door, and Owner had one built for me. So I suspect that BJ will want it, and that's okay - I won't be there much longer, anyway. The whole idea of it makes me want to cry. And I have no idea what I am going to do, for a job. I haven't even begun to have the time to consider that. If I think about it too long, I want to hyperventilate...good heavens, get me a xanax.
So that is my world right now. In some ways, it will be better when all this has happened and is over with. I will be here as much as possible and I will be reading what you all have to say - but hang with me, I'll be back. Have a good, GOOD Sunday. :)
This morning, I am up and having to go to work, again, I simply cannot get my work finished during business hours - and time is running out on me. I would SO much rather go back to bed, cook a meal, watch my NASCAR...but I have only five days left and about five weeks of work to accomplish. If you all should not see me here as regularly, have no fear - I am only covered up by my job and I will return to my usual thang after this nightmare is over, by the end of this week.
And what a nightmare it is - I am having trouble getting it through my head that in just a short time, my whole world will be changing and gone, at least the world as I have known it. My office is just about like my home - full of things that belong to me, things that mean something only to me... and the task of moving out of it will be almost as bad as moving from my home. I have a refrigerator, a table, a coat rack, lamps, a tv, my computer, gazillions of pictures on the walls, what seems like a thousand cards and letters to bring home, all the business records from the ice cream store, many business records from the race track, all of my own business records, tax records, and all of Owners, too...when I think of all of it, my head spins. My office itself was built specifically for me, it is the only private office in the place, it's huge and has a door--and for that reason, I expect that Mr. New Owner will be anxious to take it over, along with the rest of the place. The dealership was built with a no-door policy, all the sales offices are open and the business offices are all in one large room. When I came there, I insisted that I had to have a door, and Owner had one built for me. So I suspect that BJ will want it, and that's okay - I won't be there much longer, anyway. The whole idea of it makes me want to cry. And I have no idea what I am going to do, for a job. I haven't even begun to have the time to consider that. If I think about it too long, I want to hyperventilate...good heavens, get me a xanax.
So that is my world right now. In some ways, it will be better when all this has happened and is over with. I will be here as much as possible and I will be reading what you all have to say - but hang with me, I'll be back. Have a good, GOOD Sunday. :)
Friday, December 28, 2007
Hard Candy Christmas
Another Friday rolls around. This week is so messed up, I haven't known what day it is at all. And that is just as well...can we say grouchy? How about crabby, pissy, irate, assy, difficult, moody, just plain old no-fun-to-be-around? That would be me... I never act this way, what the hell is my problem? I am so damned tired of feeling like hell, and I am tired of sleeping poorly, whether it's due to pain or this damned neck brace- (Summer, I know I have to wear it another week until I see the Dr, after that, is any one's guess,) - and yes, I know I am now being whiney and you all can add that to my list, and I do apologize, but people, I have had just about enough. I haven't been able to drive since October. I haven't been out of this house for days and days unless it's to go to work, and when I do, I pay with another day in for punishment. If I choose to do anything then there is a price involved. I pay with another day of pain. My husband is so neglected it isn't funny, and believe me, I'm not one of those sickeningly attentive wives, so if I say he's neglected, you can believe it. He has had to do every damned thing around here forever, and now, he even has to take the long hours for me at my job, he was stuck there last night until eight. No, he is not complaining, but these things do make me feel bad. Okay, sorry--I'm finished now, and again, I do apologize. Sometimes you just gotta get it out...to sum it all up, I guess I am surprised at how long this is taking, and how bad I still feel. That's all.
And now, after that little tirade, I don't even know what to say...it's almost like after a fight with a friend or your significant other, you are left kind of humming to yourself, or whistling...
And so how's the weather? How's the wife and kids? How about those Cubs?
It's freaking snowing again...another wonderful subject near and dear to my heart. We are under another warning, up to eight more inches....oh how I love Iowa in the winter....
Another year is almost upon us. I will be happy to see it arrive...In fact, 2007 can just get the hell out of here, for me and most every one I know. I don't remember a time when the same year was so bad for so many. Is it the same for all of you? What are you all doing for New Year's Eve this year? Any plans? H and I are planning to go to our favorite casino, but I honestly don't think that I will be feeling up to it...I really, really would like to go. I will have to wait and see how I am doing on Monday. I think I will quit my complaining now..I hope you all have great Friday's!
And now, after that little tirade, I don't even know what to say...it's almost like after a fight with a friend or your significant other, you are left kind of humming to yourself, or whistling...
And so how's the weather? How's the wife and kids? How about those Cubs?
It's freaking snowing again...another wonderful subject near and dear to my heart. We are under another warning, up to eight more inches....oh how I love Iowa in the winter....
Another year is almost upon us. I will be happy to see it arrive...In fact, 2007 can just get the hell out of here, for me and most every one I know. I don't remember a time when the same year was so bad for so many. Is it the same for all of you? What are you all doing for New Year's Eve this year? Any plans? H and I are planning to go to our favorite casino, but I honestly don't think that I will be feeling up to it...I really, really would like to go. I will have to wait and see how I am doing on Monday. I think I will quit my complaining now..I hope you all have great Friday's!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
There's no BUSINESS like show BUSINESS
Yes, that was it. This morning's song. Holy cow...will there ever be a good song? Maybe that's a sign that I am in a slump. Maybe the day that I wake up to a good classic rock song or a tried and true country classic will be the day that I know that things are going to take a turn for the better. Van Halen, Ricky Skaggs, Merle Haggard, George Strait, the Eagles...
Yes. I am in a slump. A funk. I have the blues. It's one week before Christmas, and I am trying so hard not to. I know the reason for the season and I am trying to focus on that. Really, I am. But nothing is normal this year. Nothing. It would be so much easier if I felt better, or could even turn my head, for that matter. I am not a narcissistic person, I have done my part for others or I am doing it, even more than usual, and even that isn't helping...I try not to focus on me, because no one should. No one. But damn. Damn. Pain is my friend these days. It's coming back, the old pain...I didn't have alot of it, and now it's coming back. My legs are not cooperating like they were just a few days ago, and yes, that does have me somewhat scared. Perhaps it is because I did too much on Sunday, like H wants to believe. I want to believe it, too. So, I am trying. And shopping online, although it is getting too late to do that now. Tomorrow I go to have the stitches out. Maybe the Dr can tell me why then, and I won't have to be afraid anymore. In any event, I will finish the shopping then. And it will be good to get out of this house, as I have been in since I arrived from the hospital last Wednesday.
Well, this certainly isn't an uplifting post, is it? There are happy things, you know. My daughter is having a baby, as I have already told you. And that still thrills me, of course. I cannot believe it, if you want the truth. It's so early, and there are no outward signs...but I know it's so, of course, but I have to keep reminding myself of that fact. Man, that is going to be so awesome. :) And I have the MOST awesome kitty's in my life these days. I swear, I don't know what I would do, if D had not left them here. God certainly had a hand in that. But then, He always does. My Christmas tree is beautiful...and the kitty's have not bothered it, so far. I am surprised by that. But then, they have not been left alone with it yet. I think that will be the true test.
Have a good Tuesday. :)
ps...just found this little stress reducer. So, if you are a little Christmas stressed...give this a try! :) http://uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/attachments/bubblewrap.swf
Yes. I am in a slump. A funk. I have the blues. It's one week before Christmas, and I am trying so hard not to. I know the reason for the season and I am trying to focus on that. Really, I am. But nothing is normal this year. Nothing. It would be so much easier if I felt better, or could even turn my head, for that matter. I am not a narcissistic person, I have done my part for others or I am doing it, even more than usual, and even that isn't helping...I try not to focus on me, because no one should. No one. But damn. Damn. Pain is my friend these days. It's coming back, the old pain...I didn't have alot of it, and now it's coming back. My legs are not cooperating like they were just a few days ago, and yes, that does have me somewhat scared. Perhaps it is because I did too much on Sunday, like H wants to believe. I want to believe it, too. So, I am trying. And shopping online, although it is getting too late to do that now. Tomorrow I go to have the stitches out. Maybe the Dr can tell me why then, and I won't have to be afraid anymore. In any event, I will finish the shopping then. And it will be good to get out of this house, as I have been in since I arrived from the hospital last Wednesday.
Well, this certainly isn't an uplifting post, is it? There are happy things, you know. My daughter is having a baby, as I have already told you. And that still thrills me, of course. I cannot believe it, if you want the truth. It's so early, and there are no outward signs...but I know it's so, of course, but I have to keep reminding myself of that fact. Man, that is going to be so awesome. :) And I have the MOST awesome kitty's in my life these days. I swear, I don't know what I would do, if D had not left them here. God certainly had a hand in that. But then, He always does. My Christmas tree is beautiful...and the kitty's have not bothered it, so far. I am surprised by that. But then, they have not been left alone with it yet. I think that will be the true test.
Have a good Tuesday. :)
ps...just found this little stress reducer. So, if you are a little Christmas stressed...give this a try! :) http://uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/attachments/bubblewrap.swf
Monday, December 17, 2007
Truckin' on down the other side
So, I woke up to "Wolf Creek Pass" this morning. After the day with the kiddos, doing all the Christmas stuff, wouldn't you think I would have beautiful Christmas music in my head? No, I have C.W. McCall in my head...I suppose because YS and GF were talking about taking a trip to Colorado for New Years Eve. But still...Wolf Creek Pass....Do any of you know that song? It is SO retarded!
Yes. My tree is up. And it was a good day, if you don't count the mini crisis's that were going on all around me. It is completely impossible to get everyone in my family in the same room and happy all at the same time. I guess that is because I have raised three kids that are like me, or like the way I used to be, total control freaks....fighting mad unless all things go their way. In some cases, the fight was warranted. In others, ahhh.....not so much. We are always attracted to strong personalities, then never happy when the strong personalities are brought out to play. So, it was a typical family day here. These days, the drama just wears me out. I try and save it for the real stuff, and there was alot of that, and even that seemed to wear me out, too. I try to help, and that isn't right, but Mom is called on to DO SOMETHING when things go wrong. And you all wonder why I drink... :)
And since we are on the subject, I can't even say that alcohol is helping my current situation, it pretty much tastes like ass, and that has me bummed out. I mean, it is the one thing that I have been able to look forward to in my string of rotten days lately, and it doesn't mix with one or more of my medications, because I open the brown bottles and they taste like THAT, and they go right down the drain...so there goes another thing that I used to love....God, what are you doin' to me here?
I am really, really happy that I am not working today. I had been thinking yesterday that maybe it was stupid to be taking so much time off, but now I know that it isn't. I did WAY too much yesterday. WAY TOO MUCH. I knew it at the time, but it was hard to keep the family motivated, and I had STUFF everywhere, and I cannot stand to have stuff everywhere, so if I got up and started doing something about said stuff, usually everyone would eventually drift in the right direction again. My house looks wonderful, and I meant to ask D to take a picture before she left but she was in no mood for that, so I will have to wait and have her do it later and you all will have to just take my word for it. But the tree is beautiful and all the other decorations are up, well most of them anyway. I made a big pot of chili for everyone, and another pan of brownies....they are the easiest for that many people, and chili wasn't exactly on my list of good food but everyone else enjoyed it. By the time I accomplished those things, I was done in. My legs have started doing their own little "dance " again, and I am hoping that is merely from too much use. I am praying that's all it is. If my doctor wasn't such an ass, I might be inclined to call him...
I am in serious pain this morning, otherwise, I don't think I would be up blogging at two am, but I couldn't lay there anymore. I thought getting up and taking pills might help. So anyway, I am very grateful that I am not working today. I thought that I might go back to work this Thursday. I have to go to Des Moines on Wednesday and have the stitches out of my neck, and I thought that would be a good time to finish up the HO HO HO. Then if i went back to work on Thursday and Friday, before the Holiday, maybe I could be in somewhat okay shape. Oh, who am I kidding, the end of the year will be a nightmare, but I am not going to think about that now...
Monday again folks. Time does march on, doesn't it? I hope that your days are good, and that the song in your head is more worthy of your time than mine was. :) Have a good one!
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Stoned Shopping?
Happy Saturday to you all---I don't have too much to say today...my life remains the same. I am pretty disgusted with myself, the pain is not getting any better and I am still depending on the pills pretty heavily to make it through the days. I have never been a pain weenie, and this time, it seems that I am. I look in the mirror and cannot escape, my face looks like that of a downs syndrome child, still pretty swollen, my neck of course is too, and the incision looks pretty mean. Last night, I layed down with the neck brace on and slept, I think in spite of it all, I was so exhausted, and I managed about four hours. That's the most since I've had this damned procedure done. Each day, swallowing seems to get harder to do, not easier, but I was told the swelling would last for quite a while, so I assume that it is normal, too. The one thing I find sort of freaky is my eyesight---I no longer need my glasses to see the computer, and you all need to know that I have been nearly blind for a few years. I cannot see the TV at all, with or without them, and that was not that way before, either. I do still need them to read, but I don't think I am seeing double anymore, and that was supposed to go away with this surgery, but I am not really sure of that one yet.
I got the most beautiful flowers yesterday, from my little sis. It was so nice of her to think of me. I was very surprised. My kiddos got me flowers at the hospital, too.
I have to spend some time on the computer today, doing some shopping. I will take a couple of pain pills and try and finish. Look out family--you never know what may be in your Christmas stockings, under the circumstances...teehee
I hope each of you have a great weekend. I just learned that we are to get more snow, and H told me that we are well on our way to that goal---apparently we already have at least half of the eight inches predicted. Just lovely. Have a good day! Later.
I got the most beautiful flowers yesterday, from my little sis. It was so nice of her to think of me. I was very surprised. My kiddos got me flowers at the hospital, too.
I have to spend some time on the computer today, doing some shopping. I will take a couple of pain pills and try and finish. Look out family--you never know what may be in your Christmas stockings, under the circumstances...teehee
I hope each of you have a great weekend. I just learned that we are to get more snow, and H told me that we are well on our way to that goal---apparently we already have at least half of the eight inches predicted. Just lovely. Have a good day! Later.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
A post with a warning
Warning: Whine Alert
Yesterday was the worst day I have had in literally, years. I spent a major portion of it crying. Holy hell, I don't cry. EVER. I really don't know why that day was any worse than any other, but the faucet began early in the day, with a misunderstanding with my friend. Then I wrote a post about choosing to be happy, even in the middle of life's trials---which is rather ironic, really---since I am now telling you that I spent the day in tears. But when I went back and read what I had written, I sounded like freakin' Hitler, with zero understanding for other people's needs or problems, and that is not what I am about-EVER-and that upset me, tremendously. I was, at the time, trying to say that even in the middle of all this mess I am in, I am happy, but apparently God slapped me right down and told me to shut up, so I did.
Physically, I was yesterday, and am this morning, in more pain with these problems than I have been to date. I was under the impression that I had only to wait two weeks until the surgery but yesterday, H pointed out that it was three. That made me cry. Usually I can get a grip on the pain, and continue on, but it was not listening to me at all, I am sincerely hoping that today can be better.
So yesterday, I did make it up the stairs to shower but lost all my strength after that, slid down the wall in the hallway, and that was the end of my going to work hopes for the day. That made me cry. I never did make it into the shower I did not have the strength for it, and I hate not showering---I can't stand the feeling, even though I did manage to wash up, and make my hair look somewhat okay, I knew I hadn't showered, and that bothers me. That made me cry. I wanted to talk to my Mom and I sent her a text message to see how she was doing, but she was in as bad a shape as me, so I just sent her an I love you message and gave up on it. That made me cry. CrazyDog and I had a showdown and I didn't have the strength to fight, so I had to depend on H to take care of her when he ran home on his lunch break. That made me cry. You all see where this is going, right? It was just the worst day personally, I can remember. My day was spent sitting here, literally doing nothing. I am so bad at that. I really, really tried not to feel the way I did, I really tried to turn off the tears. Usually, getting busy with something else is my way of handling problems. Right now, I am unable to get busy....with anything.
Today, I am hoping for a brighter day. I am still at pain level gazillion. I am going to make it to work today, I have to. But I had to yesterday. I have a will of iron....it's not helping alot right now. Damn.
I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday. Later.
Yesterday was the worst day I have had in literally, years. I spent a major portion of it crying. Holy hell, I don't cry. EVER. I really don't know why that day was any worse than any other, but the faucet began early in the day, with a misunderstanding with my friend. Then I wrote a post about choosing to be happy, even in the middle of life's trials---which is rather ironic, really---since I am now telling you that I spent the day in tears. But when I went back and read what I had written, I sounded like freakin' Hitler, with zero understanding for other people's needs or problems, and that is not what I am about-EVER-and that upset me, tremendously. I was, at the time, trying to say that even in the middle of all this mess I am in, I am happy, but apparently God slapped me right down and told me to shut up, so I did.
Physically, I was yesterday, and am this morning, in more pain with these problems than I have been to date. I was under the impression that I had only to wait two weeks until the surgery but yesterday, H pointed out that it was three. That made me cry. Usually I can get a grip on the pain, and continue on, but it was not listening to me at all, I am sincerely hoping that today can be better.
So yesterday, I did make it up the stairs to shower but lost all my strength after that, slid down the wall in the hallway, and that was the end of my going to work hopes for the day. That made me cry. I never did make it into the shower I did not have the strength for it, and I hate not showering---I can't stand the feeling, even though I did manage to wash up, and make my hair look somewhat okay, I knew I hadn't showered, and that bothers me. That made me cry. I wanted to talk to my Mom and I sent her a text message to see how she was doing, but she was in as bad a shape as me, so I just sent her an I love you message and gave up on it. That made me cry. CrazyDog and I had a showdown and I didn't have the strength to fight, so I had to depend on H to take care of her when he ran home on his lunch break. That made me cry. You all see where this is going, right? It was just the worst day personally, I can remember. My day was spent sitting here, literally doing nothing. I am so bad at that. I really, really tried not to feel the way I did, I really tried to turn off the tears. Usually, getting busy with something else is my way of handling problems. Right now, I am unable to get busy....with anything.
Today, I am hoping for a brighter day. I am still at pain level gazillion. I am going to make it to work today, I have to. But I had to yesterday. I have a will of iron....it's not helping alot right now. Damn.
I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday. Later.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Me, on wheels
So, I did it. It wasn't easy, but not as hard as I thought it might be. After all, I have been hobbling, shuffling, lunging, sliding, limping, gimping, tripping and falling for weeks now all around the dealership. Pride? What pride? So, getting in that chair yesterday was easier once I realized that I looked like a total fool just trying to walk. My arms are oh-so-tired today, and they gave out yesterday, part of which is from normal over-use, and part of it is from the same problem my legs have, as the arms are part of the deal. But between the two, walking and riding, I think I can make it, at least better. And yes, they do have motorized wheelchairs, but for now, I do not want one, in my mind, they are the epitome of lazy and old. Yes, I know-I know. Please. One step at a time for me. None of this is permanent. See how my attitude is changing? See how the real "me" is coming back? I'll get there, just give me time...
And even though I HATE the saying, I can accurately say, this REALLY is how I roll.
Later.
And even though I HATE the saying, I can accurately say, this REALLY is how I roll.
Later.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Howdy Doody
Okay, so it is now Tuesday, and a Tuesday has to be better, doesn't it?
I would like to tell you all that I am in a better frame of mind today, but that would be lying because I'm not. This whole situation seems bizarre to me since I have zero pain in my neck, and all this bullshit surgery will not do one thing for all the pain that i am in, that will have to be done with another surgery at another time, since the pain in my back and legs is coming from the lower discs. So, all that will be accomplished is the hope of being able to walk, and knowing when I have to pee, and hopefully not longer seeing double, and yes, all of those things are HUGE, but there is only a chance that this will correct that, as the length of time it has taken the doctors to come to this decision has greatly lessened the chances of this working. Yes, I am probably repeating myself, but I wanted you all to understand my whining.I feel like I am between the proverbial rock and hard place. And today, I am just pissy. And in pain because I laid in the fricking MRI tube long once again, and hardly able to get around...but that is standard operating procedure these days. And I am at work, and in no mood to be here...lucky, lucky folks that work for me.....lol.
Have a good day.
I would like to tell you all that I am in a better frame of mind today, but that would be lying because I'm not. This whole situation seems bizarre to me since I have zero pain in my neck, and all this bullshit surgery will not do one thing for all the pain that i am in, that will have to be done with another surgery at another time, since the pain in my back and legs is coming from the lower discs. So, all that will be accomplished is the hope of being able to walk, and knowing when I have to pee, and hopefully not longer seeing double, and yes, all of those things are HUGE, but there is only a chance that this will correct that, as the length of time it has taken the doctors to come to this decision has greatly lessened the chances of this working. Yes, I am probably repeating myself, but I wanted you all to understand my whining.I feel like I am between the proverbial rock and hard place. And today, I am just pissy. And in pain because I laid in the fricking MRI tube long once again, and hardly able to get around...but that is standard operating procedure these days. And I am at work, and in no mood to be here...lucky, lucky folks that work for me.....lol.
Have a good day.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Row row row your boat
As you all can see, I am late in my posting. That would be because I overslept, once again. Too many pills, I suppose. I am only taking pain medication when I am not at work, although the pain I have to deal with then is becoming pretty hard to bear. I left work early yesterday, all my strength had gone, I couldn't manage any more. I did make a little progress in my work, but i still have miles to go. The problem is that today isn't looking so good - I am not well at all this morning, I have no strength whatsoever. It seems that I can walk pretty well as long as I can take the preceding day off. As the week rolls on however, so does the strength that I have left, and by the end of the week, such as Thursday, then I am a goner. I just slid down the wall in the kitchen, and that was all she wrote. I suppose I will have to call the Dr about a wheelchair today, although it is hard for me to believe this is what my life has been reduced to. I can't even believe that I just wrote that sentence. The only thing that keeps me from digging a hole and jumping in is realizing that if I lay down all day today, tomorrow I would probably be able to walk fairly well. Heaven help me if that ever changes. :(
So, at this juncture, I am going to be here at home, worrying about the condition of my work that is not getting done. The end of the month is approaching fast, how will I ever get it all completed? Too much to think about now...I think I will go lay down. Perhaps I will have more positive things to say later.
I do hope that each of you have great days today, it's almost Friday! Later.
So, at this juncture, I am going to be here at home, worrying about the condition of my work that is not getting done. The end of the month is approaching fast, how will I ever get it all completed? Too much to think about now...I think I will go lay down. Perhaps I will have more positive things to say later.
I do hope that each of you have great days today, it's almost Friday! Later.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
A little pity party all for me
Yesterday wasn't quite the day that I expected it to be. I thought my visit to the neurologist was to be a check up, as I hadn't seen him in more than thirty days. Once I left there, I felt I had been blind sighted. Because I really don't want to spill my whole medical guts here, I will give you all the short version: apparently, my upper back is in much worse shape than my lower. Remember the most recent MRI that I didn't believe was necessary? I have degenerative spine disease, and due to some symptoms that i would rather not discuss here, apparently the damage has progressed further than he had hoped. He is sending me to a neurosurgeon, and hoping that something can be done, either with the upper or the lower part, but he does not feel optimistic that there will be a surgical "fix". He was quite frank but gentle when he told me that usually someone with my troubles, ends up without the use of their legs. The symptoms that I have are actually irreversible damage, and while he didn't leave me without hope, he did tell me that there usually is no way for it to be reversed. I was rather stunned.He also is certain that is why I am seeing double, as I have an upper disc pressing in the base of my brain and he gave me the blobbity-blob-blob words for it. He did tell me at that time, that if anyone could beat the odds or fight it, he knew it would be me. He also said that he is not a neurosurgeon, and certainly they would know more than he. He said that he wanted me to understand the situation. He also said that time was of the essence, that the longer the problems were left to go on, the worse the outcome became. So, I go to the neurosurgeon on the 5th of November. Needless to say, my day was a little fucked.
So i went into work, and looked at the pile of work waiting for me, got up and went home. I had a little pity party here, by myself, and decided there isn't much i can do about it. If I can't walk, then I guess I'll ride.
I am a little pissy this morning. I suppose I am allowed. We are out of Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Pop Tarts (low fat) and I have to eat Strawberry, which really shouldn't be an issue, because I only eat the edges anyway, but the strawberry has that dammed icing with the hard things on the top and I hate that crap...
H washed his cell phone last night. All the way through the washer, then the dryer. I couldn't figure out what the hell the noise in the basement was, clunk, clunk, clunk...it was the phone in the dryer...
We have a tree frog in the basement...how in the hell do they get in there, and really, why do they want to? They are noisy little asses...and H can't find him, and even if I COULD go down there, I wouldn't, not until he finds it...
Shit. Out.
So i went into work, and looked at the pile of work waiting for me, got up and went home. I had a little pity party here, by myself, and decided there isn't much i can do about it. If I can't walk, then I guess I'll ride.
I am a little pissy this morning. I suppose I am allowed. We are out of Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Pop Tarts (low fat) and I have to eat Strawberry, which really shouldn't be an issue, because I only eat the edges anyway, but the strawberry has that dammed icing with the hard things on the top and I hate that crap...
H washed his cell phone last night. All the way through the washer, then the dryer. I couldn't figure out what the hell the noise in the basement was, clunk, clunk, clunk...it was the phone in the dryer...
We have a tree frog in the basement...how in the hell do they get in there, and really, why do they want to? They are noisy little asses...and H can't find him, and even if I COULD go down there, I wouldn't, not until he finds it...
Shit. Out.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Pathetic
It is Tuesday. I completely missed Monday. It is gone. I can walk a little. I am not happy today, although I should be, as I can get of the blasted sofa today. I dreamed I was riding my bike, and I was sad when I woke up and I hadn't been riding. Stupid? Yes. But I am wondering if those days are over. Yes, I know I am having a little pity party just for me, but dammit. DAMMIT. I look at so many that take so fucking much for granted. And yet, they cannot tell me why I can't do something so freakin' simple as WALK some days. DAMMIT.
Okay, I'm over it. I am off to my job, where I am defeated before i even begin. Well, maybe I am not over it yet. That sounded pretty pathetic, too. Perhaps I had better sign off until I can blog like a "good little girl". Later.
Okay, I'm over it. I am off to my job, where I am defeated before i even begin. Well, maybe I am not over it yet. That sounded pretty pathetic, too. Perhaps I had better sign off until I can blog like a "good little girl". Later.
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