Saturday, September 01, 2007

Does anybody really know what time it is?

A few random Saturday thoughts:

I have to bake a pie this afternoon, when I get home from work. It is for Owner, he generally gets a birthday pie from me---OZARK MOUNTAIN BERRY PIE. It isn't usually a huge deal for me, and he eats the whole thing!

I feel stronger this morning, still in pain, but stronger. I want to ride my bike this afternoon, it has been several days.

This week, my youngest son, YS, told me "you are the toughest broad I know". Broad? Where the hell did that word come from? I didn't know that anyone still used that word. In this case, he meant it as a compliment. He was trying to tell me that I will manage in spite of my physical issues. It was a really sweet gesture. I wish he knew how really NOT tough this old BROAD is getting to be. I would like all of them to know that i am starting to crumble around the edges. That I am tired...of everything. Of trying to help, and not managing to at all. Of trying to make things appear like they are the way they used to be, when clearly, to me at least, nothing is. Of trying to make things better for everyone, only to find that i am unable to follow through on so much. I am tired of everyone believing that i know what the rules are, and as long as I think things are okay, then they are. Who ever said I knew? Just because I can live with my rules for life, why should you? I cannot fix everything anymore. I really never thought i could, but the rest of those around me sure think i can. I am not just speaking to my kids here-I am speaking to alot of people that seem to think i have all the answers. That is alot of responsibility...and where the hell did it come from? I apparently give off the vibe that I know what the hell i am doing....ummm...wake up call...what if I don't?

I really am not in a bad mood, or in a bad place in my head. I actually woke up in a good mood, but I laid awake thinking about this last night. I have spent most of my life trying to make others around me happy. It has paid off, because I enjoy the happiness of others. It is what makes me happy. But sometimes, I have done it at a great cost. Keeping, or making someone else happy is draining. Mentally and physically. I know that i won't stop---I will continue to try and fix everything. Why? That's a good that i will probably avoid answering. Any first year psychology student could make a pretty good guess as to why. But at this point in my life, there is no way to change it. Not that I would even if i knew how. I do feel though, that one of these days, I am going to be unable to change anything for anyone. It is inevitable...and then what happens?

Well, I am off to hobble through my day. I think I will be seeing my youngest at some point...and I do have to work until three this afternoon. It is a three day weekend, and the weather is supposed to be perfect. I will take tomorrow off as usual, but i will probably work a few hours on Monday, I like working when no one else is around, I can get alot done. H has to work both it is no big deal to go into work. I look forward to tomorrow, i think I will be alone most of the day....and alone days are wonderful....Out.


Summer said...

I hope you're feeling better today.

Anonymous said...

yes i hope you are too... have a good sat.

Maria said...

Yes. You are one of our ranks: the women who do everything.

I feel your pain, I really do. This summer, when I was bedridden for nearly a solid week with an attack of colitis, I watched my whole house fall apart in slow motion. And the only thing that got me out of that bed much earlier than I should have been was because I couldn't STAND Bing coming in hopefully one more day and asking me if I felt better yet.

NO. I didn't feel better. NO. I didn't want to get up and take the reins. But, of course, I did. Probably for the same reasons you do.

It can get so hard. And then we feel guilty complaining because we have kind of built this house ourselves, huh?

Ai yi yi.

Feel better soon....

Josie Two Shoes said...

Ahh Jamie, I know these feelings so well. Life can get to the point that it is so overwhelming, yet no one seems to realize how close to the point of crumbling we really are. I always remember a line from a poem about a person who commited suicide it goes... "Was he free, was he happy? The question is absurd, if anything was wrong we would certain have heard."

Yeah, but they don't hear, and they don't see - what they see is someone who appears to be keeping it altogether for everyone, yet who is not even sure of what together means anymore.

I really do worry about you pulled so far under with your strong sense of duty to everyone and everything, that you will reach a point of collapse, both physically and mentally - where you won't be able to take care anyone - especially yourself. We all know, deep down, the whys of why we do these things to ourselves, but maybe this is a good time to start talking to someone about finding a way out. Life doesn't have to be this heavy, Jamie!

Our emotional state has so much to do with our physical state, and at the end of my marriage - and long after - I was so close to not making it at all. At some point you have to decide to stop pretending to be so strong when you really aren't superman or supermom or superwife or superworker.

I am so glad you're gonna have some downtime this weekend, I know you need it badly, and having a quiet house to yourself is heaven! How much longer 'til you escape for vacation? Is it still going to happen? I am prayin for you!

SOUL: said...

just came by to see how you were today. geesh, you sound a lot like me at times.
hold it all inside just to appear strong for everyone else. someone has to right?
apparently, at least.

i know you have heard it before... but i shall say it again...

God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

i add to that... some of us just have to handle a bit more than others sometimes.

you will be okay boy wonder...
know why? cuz i'm gonna take you fishin one day... and you're gonna get a ten pound bass.
that's why.

texas aint that far away. :))

lurk for me when you get some time? k

have a beer, have a nap... take a ride when it cools down later?

i am thinkin about ya ... lots.

( i do understand...maybe too much...maybe that's why i never seem to know what to say... but i know what you're sayin here. )

just don't give up. sometimes little things make a big difference. hopefully the time away from work, and people, and responsibility, will refresh you a little. at least i hope so.

btw... i want one of those pies. trade ya... crab rangoon.. for PIE???

latah super hero sistah.

simonsays said...

Thanks everyone for commenting...

Yes Maria---I know what you are talking about. I suppose we have put all this on ourselves, and yes, complaining leaves no room for defense...

Jos, you are such a worry about me like my mom does, and you are not old enough for that!

Soul, I know you get it. Fishing, Huh? Do you promise that will help? I will certainly try, although I really, really, really feel sorry for the fish...I don't know if I could do that to them...stupid? Yep, I know it is. I am that way...on many, many different things. :)

SOUL: said...

hi ... me again...
yep, a ten pound bass can help ANYTHING! i don't kill them. and science has said that the hook in the face doesn't hurt them either... i do find that part hard to believe tho... but they say their nerves or something is different than humans. so it wouldn't be like a hook in YOUR lip. :))
anyhow... i always throw everything back... alive.
so... i don't think you would have a problem with fishin.
ready to try???
i'm on btw... obviously

SOUL: said...

ps... you need to listen to this part... and let it sink in... ok?

YOU are NOT stupid. STOP sayin that!

k... you're NOT.