A few random Saturday thoughts:
I have to bake a pie this afternoon, when I get home from work. It is for Owner, he generally gets a birthday pie from me---OZARK MOUNTAIN BERRY PIE. It isn't usually a huge deal for me, and he eats the whole thing!
I feel stronger this morning, still in pain, but stronger. I want to ride my bike this afternoon, it has been several days.
This week, my youngest son, YS, told me "you are the toughest broad I know". Broad? Where the hell did that word come from? I didn't know that anyone still used that word. In this case, he meant it as a compliment. He was trying to tell me that I will manage in spite of my physical issues. It was a really sweet gesture. I wish he knew how really NOT tough this old BROAD is getting to be. I would like all of them to know that i am starting to crumble around the edges. That I am tired...of everything. Of trying to help, and not managing to at all. Of trying to make things appear like they are the way they used to be, when clearly, to me at least, nothing is. Of trying to make things better for everyone, only to find that i am unable to follow through on so much. I am tired of everyone believing that i know what the rules are, and as long as I think things are okay, then they are. Who ever said I knew? Just because I can live with my rules for life, why should you? I cannot fix everything anymore. I really never thought i could, but the rest of those around me sure think i can. I am not just speaking to my kids here-I am speaking to alot of people that seem to think i have all the answers. That is alot of responsibility...and where the hell did it come from? I apparently give off the vibe that I know what the hell i am doing....ummm...wake up call...what if I don't?
I really am not in a bad mood, or in a bad place in my head. I actually woke up in a good mood, but I laid awake thinking about this last night. I have spent most of my life trying to make others around me happy. It has paid off, because I enjoy the happiness of others. It is what makes me happy. But sometimes, I have done it at a great cost. Keeping, or making someone else happy is draining. Mentally and physically. I know that i won't stop---I will continue to try and fix everything. Why? That's a good question..one that i will probably avoid answering. Any first year psychology student could make a pretty good guess as to why. But at this point in my life, there is no way to change it. Not that I would even if i knew how. I do feel though, that one of these days, I am going to be unable to change anything for anyone. It is inevitable...and then what happens?
Well, I am off to hobble through my day. I think I will be seeing my youngest at some point...and I do have to work until three this afternoon. It is a three day weekend, and the weather is supposed to be perfect. I will take tomorrow off as usual, but i will probably work a few hours on Monday, I like working when no one else is around, I can get alot done. H has to work both days....so it is no big deal to go into work. I look forward to tomorrow, i think I will be alone most of the day....and alone days are wonderful....Out.