Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Woe is me...

Prepare yourself, this could be a long post. It is nearly midnight, and here I sit at the computer, in pain, name it, I feel it. Or don't feel it, as the case may be.

My back is killing me, I have no idea why. It's pain in the lower part, and I already know that I have crumbling and deteriorating discs, so I suppose that has alot to do with it, or is all of the problem. I just don't know why now, I haven't done anything to it. I just took another pill, I hate having to rely on them.

My mom is better, although I didn't see her today. I am feeling so bad, and just wasn't up to driving there today. But I know she is irritated with me for not being there today, she always gets that way. It's funny, when I am sick, I don't want anyone around, anyone seeing me, anyone fussing over me, it drives me crazy. But I must be the minority, as when anyone in my family is sick or in the hospital, they all want/expect as much time as possible. I don't mind going to see her, although her mood and her drugged state really gets to me. She has seriously become addicted to the pain meds this past couple of years, and that bothers the hell out of me. I know she is too old and sick to do anything about it now, but I cannot stand to try and talk to her, and she is completely out of it. She actually falls asleep in the middle of conversation. I know I'm boring, but come on....

I am so lost. I am totally lost in my life right now. I have no idea where to turn, what to do, where to go. When I get up in the morning, there is no purpose. I cannot believe that I have let my life be reduced to what I DO, but apparently I have. I am absurdly worried about our finances, although there has not been enough time for that to be a problem, but it won't be that long before we will be living in the street. Finding work these days has become so different than it used to be. You cannot walk into any place and ask for a job - it is all done by computer now, there is no person you can talk to. Mark is working diligently on finding something, and I know he will. He has a bachelors degree in business and accounting, he is smart, personable, likeable, and has a good work history. There is no reason why he wouldn't find a good job. But still, I worry. And I know he is, too. It just takes so long from hitting the submit button to send a resume on the internet, and the call for the interview. Because we don't know where he will be working, then I have no idea where I should be looking. We don't know where we will live---we could move to the town that the Ice Cream Store is in, but I don't want to live and hour from the city and then end up working there. Not that we are ready to move, that's not the case at all, but it would be nice to know what town we will go to. wonder I can't sleep. Dammit. Dammit all to hell.

I spent an hour on the phone today with the girl that took my place at my old job. She needed help with doing the monthly sales tax, and state withholding. I didn't mind, but Mark does. I will not let this be an issue between us, I told her I would help her, and I will. I am not doing it because I want to help the asshole that bought the place, I am doing it for her. And I don't feel that I should have to explain that to him again. Sigh...

I hope that you all are tucked in bed, asleep, like all good people should be. I think I will try to go to bed now, the pain meds are kicking in, and now my head hurts. I hate taking pills.

Until later. Sleep well. :)


desert dirt diva said...

you are a good person, in many ways because i would not help the girl who took her place, its not her fault that she now has your job because of the sob who bought the place, but then she should of ask the sob to help her...then let him figure it out ,or better yet call you then tell him for a price....i guess thats just myselfishness coming out..

so sorry to hear about your daughter has a preferated L5, L6 size 8m, 9m, and she is in constant pain.. it worries me because she just turned 25 and is taking all kinds of meds, on top of taking care of my 3 year old grandson.. i was helping her, but she just moved to vegas, and thats 4 hours away from hear,.. mind you i have never ever been to vegas myself.....anyways hope all gets better for you , have a good thrur.s day..

Kelly Jene said...

Big huge hugs coming to you. I'm so sorry your back is hurting. I'm sure the stress isn't helping things either.
You are sweet to still help that girl. Not many people would, I'm sure.
I wish I had magic words for you, but I do know you are strong and so is your hubby. You will find good work, I will pray it happens soon.
Sleep well.

Anonymous said...

things will turn for the better Jamie....breathe in....breathe out.....

Foster Communications said...

I can understand wanting to help the girl who is working in your position. I'd probably do it. And I can understand the aversion to doing anything for that business. It's a hard situation.
I'm sorry your back is bothering you. Maybe a nice massage would help deal with both your back pain and the stress of life. Don't think about the expense; think about how much better it will make you feel. :)

Maria said...

I think that you are a saint, I really do. I don't know that I would help that girl and isn't that just so sad? I would be thinking to myself, "Yeah, let her have to go to that jackass and tell him that she can't do it and needs my help. And then let him slime on over to me and ask while I tell him that I would be glad to help for a small fee...."

You sound so much like me, sweetie. When I am sick or my back hurts, etc, I just want to be left THE FUCK ALONE. But, when anyone in my family is sick, they seem to thrive on constant attention and Florence Nightingale nursing. Let your mom be irritated. She should understand how bad a back can feel.

Don't let yourself worry just yet. Keep putting out the resumes. It really has not been that long, although, yes, it does feel like it, I know that. Hang on.

And you know what? I know that you will do just what I would. You will read this, nod and then go back to feeling guilty about your back and scared about your life.

So...just know that so many of us are thinking of you, okay?

SOUL: said...

i'm sorry things-- well..everything... is so tough for you right now----
but ya know. everyone is right-- it will all fall into place when it's sposed to-- it may be one thing at a time.. it won't all magically appear in a whole new world for you-- but eventually you will be in "a place" that you can live with.

and a trip to souls' doesn't sound bad either :))


ac said...

I'm thinking something will fall into place real soon. I ESP it.

Thinking of you today. ac

Rebecca said...

Oh, Jamie. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. But let yourself be peaceful here and trust that the universe will return all the positive you have put into it, including helping your replacement.

Job seeking is much changed. You hit submit and your professional history disappears into the ether, to be parsed by a piece of key word database software. Very, very different from how we did it 20 years, hell even 5 years ago. That said, so much more is available to us so much more quickly.

I am really sorry that to compound the anxiety, you are in pain as well. And in these circumstances, I do understand wanting to be left alone. But it can be a double edged sword, no? allows you way too much time to worry, without the benefit of consolation.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. And I hope your mom recovers quickly, too.