Trivial Tuesday

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Or so I have heard. And the rest of my life does not include the job that I just recently worked so hard to get. I could not do it, I could not take it, and I made yesterday my last day. I do not regret it in the least, but I am worried about finances, so I have to get my rear end in gear and find another, pronto. When I left there yesterday, I felt like a million pound weight had been lifted off of me, and although I know I have to do something quickly about a job, but that one was NOT the right one for me. I am not exactly proud of just leaving that way, yes---my momma did learn me better than that, but I felt like such a fraud, letting everyone there believe that I was going to be there long term. Aside from that, by the time I returned yesterday, my whole schedule had been re-done by the DM, and so much for time off for me this week, we are too short on employees, and I was having to loan mine to other centers. I knew that I could not work those hours again this week, so much for the rah-rah story about how I didn't need to schedule myself a million hours a week. Oh well, live and learn, right?

The apartment is really shaping up, and I have spent more than enough money to make it that way, thank heaven for credit cards...hopefully today I will be able to post a few pics, but probably not until I can get the internet problems straight----this is supposed to be a wireless community, and it is, if you want to do all of your computer work on the balcony. So, I am attempting to hard wire the main computer and then run the other two off of the router, but so far that isn't working, and I am so computer stupid that I don't know if I will be able to manage it. Janelle is/was supposed to help me with it, but I feel I have worn out my welcome in that department, as she is very cross and short with me about it. My biggest problem is that I have no printer that I can hook up to this laptop, the two we have are not compatible, and I need to print things for the ice cream store and other-business wise, so I don't know where that leaves me. This morning, I had to re-write my resume, as I had no way to send it from my main computer to this one, and I needed to email it out. So, enough of my problems...

I am in pain and barely able to walk this morning. I have done way too much, but I had to. It will be over soon, I hope. At least until the weekend, when we have to go back to the old house and finish it up, it is filthy and needs cleaned out of things that I did not want to bring here. I think my sister (Trav) is coming to visit on Sunday, and she will be here for a few days---at least I really hope so. (!!!!)

I will make it today to see each of you, heaven knows I have some time now. However, looking for a job is often the hardest job we can have. And here I am, doing it again. Save me! Have a great Tuesday! And here are a couple of shots of the apartment, as bare as it is..and a few other things, including the sunrise off of my balcony----

Before I know it, Saturday's gone

It has been quite a day.

Our tour/interview went well, and really I liked what I saw. I just can't really imagine Mark and I living and working in a retirement home. Really, I can't. The place was beautiful, huge...the colors are incredible, the furnishings and fixtures, the very best quality. I loved the residents that I met, they were all very friendly, but I just can't imagine our life there. The money they pay is an issue, but there would be room to grow, and there are virtually no living expenses. None. No rent, utilities, no cable cost, no food, no gas, no nothing. EVERYTHING is provided. But still, it just isn't what I want, at least I don't think it is. Our animals would most likely be an issue, although that might be workable. Even then, I don't think it's for us. I will leave it on the table and decide if there would be a reason to, but for now, NOT the thing.

Which leaves me with a problem. What the hell is my thing? Mark's thing? This is really beginning to get to me, I am starting to panic. I know, I know, it's only week number two. But it is the end of week number two. How many weeks will it take? I am not good at this, I have never been good at living my life without a clear picture of my future. While that picture has changed over time, I still need to know what I will be doing next year, or the year after. Or at least what I think I will be doing. You know?

Help.

See you tomorrow. :)

Wednesday, I feel better just for spite

Good Morning.

I did survive the shopping, and I got several new things. I cannot tell you how much I detest going into a store, looking for anything that might appeal/work/suffice...and then lugging it around until you have to go into that little room, get nearly bare-ass naked with all of those damned mirrors there, and try this one on, then that one on, and oh-hey-will that one work with this? Ugh. But I managed and survived. I will look somewhat professional on my interview today.

I have been severely spoiled these past years, and have not had to wear business clothes at my job. Most days, jeans were the item of choice, as I never knew if I would be in the front or the back, and dress clothes in the service department really, really didn't work. Since my recent back and neck issues, I have been told my my Dr to never wear heels again, and that too, makes looking professional very difficult. I did buy some shoes, one with a tiny heel, I cannot put on a suit with a completely flat shoe. I cannot.

So, it's back to the city today, for an interview for me. Then it's back to the city tomorrow, for a tour of a facility that Mark and I have applied to manage, together. Too much driving. So far, no journey's in the works for Friday, and that would be unusual, most interviews don't happen on Friday.

Wish me luck. Have a good day. Later.

Woe is me...

Prepare yourself, this could be a long post. It is nearly midnight, and here I sit at the computer, in pain, sad...you name it, I feel it. Or don't feel it, as the case may be.

My back is killing me, I have no idea why. It's pain in the lower part, and I already know that I have crumbling and deteriorating discs, so I suppose that has alot to do with it, or is all of the problem. I just don't know why now, I haven't done anything to it. I just took another pill, I hate having to rely on them.

My mom is better, although I didn't see her today. I am feeling so bad, and just wasn't up to driving there today. But I know she is irritated with me for not being there today, she always gets that way. It's funny, when I am sick, I don't want anyone around, anyone seeing me, anyone fussing over me, it drives me crazy. But I must be the minority, as when anyone in my family is sick or in the hospital, they all want/expect as much time as possible. I don't mind going to see her, although her mood and her drugged state really gets to me. She has seriously become addicted to the pain meds this past couple of years, and that bothers the hell out of me. I know she is too old and sick to do anything about it now, but I cannot stand to try and talk to her, and she is completely out of it. She actually falls asleep in the middle of conversation. I know I'm boring, but come on....

I am so lost. I am totally lost in my life right now. I have no idea where to turn, what to do, where to go. When I get up in the morning, there is no purpose. I cannot believe that I have let my life be reduced to what I DO, but apparently I have. I am absurdly worried about our finances, although there has not been enough time for that to be a problem, but it won't be that long before we will be living in the street. Finding work these days has become so different than it used to be. You cannot walk into any place and ask for a job - it is all done by computer now, there is no person you can talk to. Mark is working diligently on finding something, and I know he will. He has a bachelors degree in business and accounting, he is smart, personable, likeable, and has a good work history. There is no reason why he wouldn't find a good job. But still, I worry. And I know he is, too. It just takes so long from hitting the submit button to send a resume on the internet, and the call for the interview. Because we don't know where he will be working, then I have no idea where I should be looking. We don't know where we will live---we could move to the town that the Ice Cream Store is in, but I don't want to live and hour from the city and then end up working there. Not that we are ready to move, that's not the case at all, but it would be nice to know what town we will go to. Ahhh...no wonder I can't sleep. Dammit. Dammit all to hell.

I spent an hour on the phone today with the girl that took my place at my old job. She needed help with doing the monthly sales tax, and state withholding. I didn't mind, but Mark does. I will not let this be an issue between us, I told her I would help her, and I will. I am not doing it because I want to help the asshole that bought the place, I am doing it for her. And I don't feel that I should have to explain that to him again. Sigh...

I hope that you all are tucked in bed, asleep, like all good people should be. I think I will try to go to bed now, the pain meds are kicking in, and now my head hurts. I hate taking pills.

Until later. Sleep well. :)

Frustration with a capital F

Another Monday, but not exactly the regular kind of Monday; frankly, I'd rather be bitching and moaning about another week of work beginning. Ugh.

Yesterday, just as I was finishing up my very time consuming picture post, my phone rang, and my mom had just been transported by ambulance to the hospital. We rushed over, turns out it is pneumonia, and that explains why she has been unable to breathe for the past couple of days. She looks about as bad as anyone can, and still be alive. I do not believe that pneumonia is the whole problem, and I worry even more because she is now in the tiny, tiny, not very reliable hospital in her town, but recently, she has been in the huge variety in the city, and the treatment and reliability of what they were doing was no better there. We spent the day with her, or traveling from out town to hers, and then going back. My oldest sister, Trav came down, also. It will help having her here, she is good in times such as these, she is way more patient and kind than I ever thought of being. My younger sister would be here, too but she is still unable to get out of her bed, and help for her is still almost a month away. She and my mom are both suffering from issues in their spines, my mom actually has a fractured disc and for that reason, is unable to get around without help, and if you all remember, her doctors have tried a couple of times to go in and fix it, but her lung problems have prevented it twice now. Her pain level from her back is off the chart, so pain medication is a HUGE part of her life, and dealing with her on any kind of normal level is very frustrating for me. She is either so drugged up that I cannot have a conversation with her, or crying from pain and begging for pills. The whole scene is heartbreaking to watch, and being still, in that hospital room with her, is torture for me. Yes, I know that this is not about me, but I am still left to deal with it, and I find myself just wanting to run the hell out of there - I am such a bad daughter. But I will do the best I can, and fight the urge to run, I know that my time with her is limited.

I have sent out several resumes, apparently doing that after I've had a couple of drinks is becoming my favorite pastime; who knows what I'm saying or telling these potential employers? Rocket scientist? You bet. PHD in psychology? Why not. Not really, but I probably should only do that when I haven't been tipping the brown bottles. It's amazing to me how out of it I can feel after only one or two, wouldn't you think by now I would build up a resistance?

There is not one thing normal of stable in my life right now. Not for me, Mark or Janelle. I have no idea what the future holds for any one of us. I do know that when I think about it, really let myself think about it, I want to hyperventilate. We are not broke, not even close, but seriously, it won't be too long. I cannot imagine my life, driving to and actually working in any other place at this time, but I am literally freaked out from fear, and I have to find a job. I keep telling myself to hold off, see what happens with Mark, see what will happen for him, and then work around it. But if any of you really know me, you know that I will not be able to sit idly by and wait. I am a woman of action...if you need a job, go get one. If you need to do anything, just freakin' do it. I don't know what to expect from the Ice Cream Store when it opens, I really do need to be there for awhile with Craig to help him get it rolling. But my fear will not let me wait, and I wonder if I'm going to make a mistake that will result in other issues. Damn it, damn it, DAMN IT. I also know that having all of this time together will not result in good things for Mark and I and our relationship, it seems that he cannot do anything right for me, and the truth is, he is doing nothing wrong. We are both edgy and difficult to be around. I really do feel sorry for Janelle, she amazes and dismays me with her I'm-not-the-slightest-bit-worried-about-the-future attitude, and I know that both Mark and I are no fun to live with right now. I feel completely unable to help her with any of her issues and questions about where to go or what to do, I just want to scream at her to get a job and stop thinking it all to death. She was and still is planning to move to NC, but now those plans are being held up a little, and of course, she wonders if that isn't the right thing for her, hell --- I don't KNOW. I don't know anything. At all. About anyone.

Happy Monday. If you have a place of employment to go to today, and if that place of employment is the slightest bit bearable and pays all of your bills, say a thank you to the God of your choice. And think of me. :)

I've got you, under my skin

And a very happy Saturday to you all. Why on earth am I awake? I would love to be the kind that can sleep my troubles away, but even when I have no troubles, there is little sleep. The truth is, I have always found sleeping to be a wasteful and time consuming habit. I have always had too much to do, too little time. I have often thought that if I could only clone myself, one of me could sleep while the other was accomplishing things that need accomplishing. (Yes, I know how stupid that sounds.) Now, when I really would have the time to sleep, I find that there are too many unanswered questions rolling around up there, and it's much easier to get up and get busy with something than listen to all of that happening in my head.

The computer issues have been handled here, thanks to my oh-so-talented and oh-so-smart daughter. We are now a house of two desktops, and one laptop that goes along with said daughter, and damned if they aren't all connected to the Internet at the same time! (Thank you Al Gore, for this glorious invention...and while I've got you on the line Mr Gore, let's chat about this global warming thing, shall we?) Oh sorry, I got a little distracted there. But anyway, we are all hooked up, and I am certain this will make life easier for both Mark and I, looking for work has apparently become an Internet activity, gone are the days of knocking on doors and looking employers in the eye. That's a sad reality, and one I still struggle with-I am good at selling myself for employment if I get the opportunity to meet someone, letting a piece of paper do the talking is rough for me. I am currently looking for something rather half-heartedly, as right now, I have no idea what to look for or where to look for it. Mark's job will be the one that will support us, mine will be the one that will supplement what he does. I still have the Ice Cream Store to consider and I don't know how any of it will fit together. Ah...see why I can't sleep?

The weather has been really nice - in the fifties at least, and I have yet to get out and enjoy it. Today, I am going to get on my bike. Period. Unless of course, it snows, and I have heard some rumbling about that from the weather guys, although it couldn't be too much a problem - the ground is too warm. I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to spring, and it will be late arriving this year, there are still snow piles in some places. Everything is so wet, the spring rains will surely cause problems. You gotta love Iowa...

My house is slowly shaping up, although I still have so much to do. I am going to take down the curtains in the bedrooms and kitchen and get them washed in the next couple of days, and that is a big job. It has been way too long. My living/dining area/office is one giant-huge-enormous room, and each end is nearly floor to ceiling windows, which means I have floor to ceiling draperies on the ends, and a couple of windows along one side with the same. These are ten foot ceilings, so you know the weight and bulk I am talking about in these drapes. I have never been a drapery fan, but in this house, the look really does work, and frankly, I have no idea what else I would do there. The drapes need cleaned in the worst way, and I am stumped how to go about it. We live in a tiny, tiny town, a couple of hours from any metro area, and having a professional cleaner in to do the job is like no-chance-in-hell. We have vacuumed and spot-cleaned them many times, but they really need the whole deal this time. I don't think Mark and I could ever get them all down, and put back up with any kind of success, we are talking about miles of heavy fabric here, and I don't even want to think about the cost of such an endeavor. Since we will be selling this house this spring, I have got to figure something out.

Yesterday, I had the most wonderful moment, and it brought up a feeling that I haven't felt in many, many years. My house was quiet, Mark was at the computer typing away, the windows were open, the birds were singing, and I was sitting on the couch with my eyes closed...there was no sound other than the keys on the keyboard tapping away, and the birds. My mind was temporarily quiet, the room was peaceful, and smelled like early Spring; it was heaven. Then the phone rang, and two of my kids arrived, but for a minute there, it was wonderful.

Wishing you all a moment of peace today. I'm out.

Starting over again, where do you begin?

AS of 4:25 pm yesterday, I am officially unemployed. I no longer have any reason to get up at the butt-crack of dawn, or any reason to lay awake all night, worrying. Unless of course you count all the worry that will be necessitated by having no money and not being able to pay all the bills. About that, I am terrified.

I will not go into all the ridiculously boring details, but I left after writing a letter of resignation to the new owner, and I had the blessing of the previous owner. While I was away at the hospital on Monday, many things had changed, and the biggest change was that I was being treated like I was doing something wrong, like I was hiding something from the new guy. He of course, wouldn't say that TO me so that I might be able to address such ridiculousness, he would only say that to everyone around me. It was Bill, (old owner) who felt that I shouldn't allow DJ (new owner) to treat me the way that he was, and it was at his insistence that I go. So, at least I don't feel bad that I have let Bill down, but I do feel awful about leaving the girl I was to train. I was beginning to have serious doubts that DJ even wanted me to do that, and while I love her very much and don't mean to make an already bad situation worse, this really was the only choice I had. I hope she understands. I will be available to help her over the phone if she wants to call. In some ways, this will be easier for even her, as I know the struggle between old and new was getting to her, as well.

I will file for unemployment this morning, and let him fight it. I don't think he will have much to fight---after consulting an attorney friend, this was done in a manner that should let me collect. It would certainly help if I could, the rest will have to be up to God, as I have no clue what to do now or how to go about it. For the next few days, I am not going to worry about another job, at least not seriously. After that, after the shock wears off, I am sure something will come together.

Happy Birthday to me. Dammit. I am 48 years old, and starting all the way over.

Have a good day. :)