Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Stuff, stuff and more stuff

I will never know if I would have gotten the job, I could hardly walk the day of the interview, so it made no sense to go. I am fooling myself, there is no way I can do that kind of work, not until the dr's can fix me. I can hardly do the kind of work I already have, walking some days is next to impossible.

Yes, I am frustrated. Yes, my attitude is bad. I am so tired of physical problems I could just scream, but that doesn't help. I try really, really hard, every day. It does not change the facts. And, that? It makes me really mad.

I see my neuro today. I have to have some answers. I don't necessarily expect to have any today, but I will put the wheels in motion to find them. My dr is not excited for me to have surgery but I have tried every other thing, and I cannot (will not) live the rest of my life this way. I have had the epidurals, I have tried and am still trying the medications. I live my life rushing home to take pills, which knock me out, either literally---and I sleep my life away, or partially, and I am too out of it to do anything. I am like a stupid child, each day I wake up expecting that I will feel better, only to have my expectations crushed. My ex used to call me Pollyanna...I suppose he was right. The surgery that I need is dangerous in that there are so many parts to it, I may have to have two procedures. The outcome is not guaranteed and I could end up with no use of my legs whatsoever. I need a cage put in my spine to hold the bones in place. That even sounds awful and believe me, I don't want it. However, I don't want to live this way, either. I try so hard not to sound sorry for myself, I really don't feel that way. I know how much worse things could be, but not being able to do the few things I want to do is really a problem. I guess I will know more later.

Something is beeping, and I can't figure out what the heck it is. Have you all noticed how many things in our lives beep these days? It is coming from downstairs, it's too soon for the coffee pot to be telling me it's time to shut off, my phone is here beside me, my laptop has no reason to beep, ugh, it's the house phone, the battery is low. Good heavens.

I am finding it hard to believe that the holidays are upon us. The Christmas lights are up here at my apartment community, they are beautiful. Thanksgiving is just a couple of weeks away---and I just found out the my son is coming home! I am so excited about that. I am making dinner, at least I think I am, I am having trouble getting my kids let me know their plans...but either way, Craig will be here, and I can't wait. I have not seen him for weeks - thirteen of them, in fact. He has always been my good friend...and I can't tell you how much I miss him. He is doing well and is happy, so I am all for him living in Colorado, but some days I just want to hug him. He calls to see how I am, he always remembers to ask how things went with whatever is happening in my life. He has been such as support to me for so long...he worries about me more than he should. I cannot wait to see him.

I am not going to work today, the dr appointment I have is two stupid hours away. It has been so slow at work my presence will not be missed. Things there have been tense and I am happy to have a day away, although I am not looking forward to what I am doing.

Ugh, it was not the phone...I hung that on the charger, and the beep just went off again. I think I shall go see...

Have a happy Wednesday. :)


Trav said...

Let me know what the dr. says - if i am not home call on the cell. I wish i could make it all better.
love you so much!! Yeah about craig!

Golden To Silver Val said...

Holidays are always bittersweet for me...some years more bitter than sweet. My kids don't get along for the most part so its rare that I can have a gathering with both of them and their families in attendance. Sucks! Every year I say I'm not going to cook...but then that wish for making memories creeps into my mind and I end up cooking again.
Hmmmmm...about the beeping. I had the same problem and it turned out to be my smoke alarm. Just about pushed me over the edge until I found it too. Something about the pitch of that beep....its hard to zero in on the location.
Hope your doctor's visit gives you some uplifting news. I do understand how you feel...(about being angry)...I feel the same way and the more I think about it, the angrier I get. I just have to keep telling myself that it could be worse. Big hugs, dear friend. Hang in there. P.S. I'm in love with my 1-cup coffee-maker (Kuerig). I can even imagine going back to making a pot. I can get a large 17 oz mug out of one "K" cup coffee insert. xo

Anonymous said...


I feel bad about your pain...I really wish that the drs would find out what it is and just do something about it! Yeah the beeping... you think lots of things beep over there... things beep HERE too! LOL
The job thing, I totally get you on that...the job I have now is a total nightmare.... :( well it is humpday... nearly over!

Leann said...

Check your smoke detector :-)

I wish I had words to express how I feel after reading that post. Sad for you, mad for you, the unfairness of life at times in things we cannot control. I do not know what your medical diagnosis is but I do hope they are able to give you some relief in the pain you appear to suffer daily. The best I can do is tell you that my prayers are with you every day and they include a prayer for long term relief from your pain.

I know how much seeing your son will mean to you. I miss mine terribly. I don't get to see them often enough and it makes me sad. I am happy that they are living productive lives and making their own families. It's just.......I miss being a part of all of that.

I hope the dr's appt brings you positive results.

Lena said...

I will keep u in my prayers, I hope you get some news that will be helpful.

So glad to hear your son is coming home for Thanksgiving.

Cheryl said...

I have a smoke detector that screws into a light socket in my basement. It beeps when it needs to be recharged. You recharge it by turning on the light for 8 hours. What a pain in the neck.

I'm glad you're being proactive. There won't be any easy decisions, but quality of life is what you're after. I hope you can get it, even if it means that awful surgery. I had an awful surgery. It was worth it.

LL Cool Joe said...

The other thing that bleeps as well as the smoke detector is the Carbon Monoxide Detector. Have you got one?

There is nothing worse than waking up in the morning and still being in pain. Somehow we all imagine tht with a good nights sleep we'll wake up feeling fine.

I like your fighting spirit, it keeps you from giving in to the damn pain.

Gypsy said...

Hey Jamie, Sorry I haven't been round in a while but I am gradually catching up again and am determined to read every post I've missed.

I don't think I need to tell you that I know exactly how you feel about everything. Mostly we just get on with these things but some days are just harder to do that than others. Get angry if it helps my friend, God knows you've earned the right. I would give anything to hear that answers have been found or there is at least some solution that will make the pain more bearable for you. I hope you get that soon.

In the meantime, I send you very gentle, soft hugs and what the heck, a couple of kisses too. xx