I will never know if I would have gotten the job, I could hardly walk the day of the interview, so it made no sense to go. I am fooling myself, there is no way I can do that kind of work, not until the dr's can fix me. I can hardly do the kind of work I already have, walking some days is next to impossible.
Yes, I am frustrated. Yes, my attitude is bad. I am so tired of physical problems I could just scream, but that doesn't help. I try really, really hard, every day. It does not change the facts. And, that? It makes me really mad.
I see my neuro today. I have to have some answers. I don't necessarily expect to have any today, but I will put the wheels in motion to find them. My dr is not excited for me to have surgery but I have tried every other thing, and I cannot (will not) live the rest of my life this way. I have had the epidurals, I have tried and am still trying the medications. I live my life rushing home to take pills, which knock me out, either literally---and I sleep my life away, or partially, and I am too out of it to do anything. I am like a stupid child, each day I wake up expecting that I will feel better, only to have my expectations crushed. My ex used to call me Pollyanna...I suppose he was right. The surgery that I need is dangerous in that there are so many parts to it, I may have to have two procedures. The outcome is not guaranteed and I could end up with no use of my legs whatsoever. I need a cage put in my spine to hold the bones in place. That even sounds awful and believe me, I don't want it. However, I don't want to live this way, either. I try so hard not to sound sorry for myself, I really don't feel that way. I know how much worse things could be, but not being able to do the few things I want to do is really a problem. I guess I will know more later.
Something is beeping, and I can't figure out what the heck it is. Have you all noticed how many things in our lives beep these days? It is coming from downstairs, it's too soon for the coffee pot to be telling me it's time to shut off, my phone is here beside me, my laptop has no reason to beep, ugh, it's the house phone, the battery is low. Good heavens.
I am finding it hard to believe that the holidays are upon us. The Christmas lights are up here at my apartment community, they are beautiful. Thanksgiving is just a couple of weeks away---and I just found out the my son is coming home! I am so excited about that. I am making dinner, at least I think I am, I am having trouble getting my kids let me know their plans...but either way, Craig will be here, and I can't wait. I have not seen him for weeks - thirteen of them, in fact. He has always been my good friend...and I can't tell you how much I miss him. He is doing well and is happy, so I am all for him living in Colorado, but some days I just want to hug him. He calls to see how I am, he always remembers to ask how things went with whatever is happening in my life. He has been such as support to me for so long...he worries about me more than he should. I cannot wait to see him.
I am not going to work today, the dr appointment I have is two stupid hours away. It has been so slow at work my presence will not be missed. Things there have been tense and I am happy to have a day away, although I am not looking forward to what I am doing.
Ugh, it was not the phone...I hung that on the charger, and the beep just went off again. I think I shall go see...
Have a happy Wednesday. :)