Just call me Fatty McButterpants

So, the dr's appointment actually went well. Yes, I have what my neuro told me. Sjogrens disease and fibromyalgia. The course of treatment is the same as my prior doc wanted, and that is where the problem lies. I go to these guys for help, but do not want to take their pills. And yet, I have no choice. Most people have sjogrens as a secondary problem to another immune system disorder. The fact that mine is primary is a cause for concern, as it creates big, and sometimes very serious health issues. It has caused my peripheral neuropathy, and my rheumotologist wants to do some research on how to proceed in that area, as he said it is rare to find a case like mine. So, I am back on a medication that I have tried in the past but couldn't function well on, and at a smaller beginning dose as I have little tolerance for such drugs, and on a different medication which is supposed to help me to be able to reduce the gallons of water and club soda I drink each day, and help with the other "dry" issues, like eyes full of sand. I was not happy to learn that 5-7% of those with my problem develop lymphoma. So, yea me. Bleh. You know, every day we age, there is just another issue to deal with. I think the point of the growing older game is staying lucky and healthy enough to not to have to deal with the biggies.

You know, of all the things I learned yesterday, and there were many, I found out that my cholesterol was over 200 and that probably upset me the most. Just call me fatty mcbutterpants. I have got to get back to exercising, and would love that more than anything, if they could control the pain so that I can. It is just a damned vicious circle. I have not gained weight, at least I don't think I have, I always allow five pounds difference between my scales and the dr, and I weighed 2.7 pounds more there. I need to get on my scales here, don't I? I just feel fat. Too much being stuck inside, no movement at all...I suppose I am going to have to break down and join the gym so I can swim...again, bleh. I know I will not want to go jump into a cold pool in the winter, even though the pool is inside and the water is heated. It will just about kill me.

I did a little cat sitting yesterday evening, Mr Tonka came for a visit. I have him most evenings these days, Mark is working two jobs and has LONG, LONG days. Too long for a kitten to be left alone. I love having him here, but like a toddler, he gets into everything. EVERYTHING. He makes me laugh until the breaking starts. I swear there is no place that cat can't get to. NOTHING is safe. :)

Happy Wednesday. :)

Stuff, stuff and more stuff

I will never know if I would have gotten the job, I could hardly walk the day of the interview, so it made no sense to go. I am fooling myself, there is no way I can do that kind of work, not until the dr's can fix me. I can hardly do the kind of work I already have, walking some days is next to impossible.

Yes, I am frustrated. Yes, my attitude is bad. I am so tired of physical problems I could just scream, but that doesn't help. I try really, really hard, every day. It does not change the facts. And, that? It makes me really mad.

I see my neuro today. I have to have some answers. I don't necessarily expect to have any today, but I will put the wheels in motion to find them. My dr is not excited for me to have surgery but I have tried every other thing, and I cannot (will not) live the rest of my life this way. I have had the epidurals, I have tried and am still trying the medications. I live my life rushing home to take pills, which knock me out, either literally---and I sleep my life away, or partially, and I am too out of it to do anything. I am like a stupid child, each day I wake up expecting that I will feel better, only to have my expectations crushed. My ex used to call me Pollyanna...I suppose he was right. The surgery that I need is dangerous in that there are so many parts to it, I may have to have two procedures. The outcome is not guaranteed and I could end up with no use of my legs whatsoever. I need a cage put in my spine to hold the bones in place. That even sounds awful and believe me, I don't want it. However, I don't want to live this way, either. I try so hard not to sound sorry for myself, I really don't feel that way. I know how much worse things could be, but not being able to do the few things I want to do is really a problem. I guess I will know more later.

Something is beeping, and I can't figure out what the heck it is. Have you all noticed how many things in our lives beep these days? It is coming from downstairs, it's too soon for the coffee pot to be telling me it's time to shut off, my phone is here beside me, my laptop has no reason to beep, ugh, it's the house phone, the battery is low. Good heavens.

I am finding it hard to believe that the holidays are upon us. The Christmas lights are up here at my apartment community, they are beautiful. Thanksgiving is just a couple of weeks away---and I just found out the my son is coming home! I am so excited about that. I am making dinner, at least I think I am, I am having trouble getting my kids let me know their plans...but either way, Craig will be here, and I can't wait. I have not seen him for weeks - thirteen of them, in fact. He has always been my good friend...and I can't tell you how much I miss him. He is doing well and is happy, so I am all for him living in Colorado, but some days I just want to hug him. He calls to see how I am, he always remembers to ask how things went with whatever is happening in my life. He has been such as support to me for so long...he worries about me more than he should. I cannot wait to see him.

I am not going to work today, the dr appointment I have is two stupid hours away. It has been so slow at work my presence will not be missed. Things there have been tense and I am happy to have a day away, although I am not looking forward to what I am doing.

Ugh, it was not the phone...I hung that on the charger, and the beep just went off again. I think I shall go see...

Have a happy Wednesday. :)