Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Continual M's

I am not happy. I abhor people that whine and carry on, then do nothing at all to change their life. I seem to be one of those people. I cannot find a decent place to live, the one that I want, and the only real choice in the small town in which I work has nothing available until the end of June, (that sounds so much sooner than July). So I will not be happy with my living arrangements until the summer? I don't like the sound of that. But I don't know what other choice I have. In the meantime, living here is making me ugly, I am so tired of all of it. So, here i am whining about it, again. By the end of yesterday, I didn't even have the strength to whine, I was physically and mentally exhausted. I went out and walked on my lunch break, and it was wonderful. The weather was unusually warm, mid seventies, the wind was really blowing, but still it was so beautiful. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, I didn't want to quit, but I had walked until I could not move anymore, almost thirty minutes, that's a long time for the new (pathetic), me. The pain came later. And did it ever ----it wasn't a good night. H worked late, I did laundry and that about killed me. This house is more than a century old, and I love the sweeping stairway, it turns, and there are eighteen steps from one floor to the next. Unfortunately, the laundry is in the basement, and the clothes all go upstairs , on the second floor. By the time I washed, hung up, dried, folded and put away the one load that i did, I wanted to cry. Not even pain pills helped. I was tired, and a nervous wreck by the time that I left work, nervous really isn't my thing, I have no idea what that was all about, I had received several phone calls, about my mom, and from D, things not going well for either, in any event, that had to be the reason, but i was ready to explode. I guess your could just say it wasn't a great day. I was a mess. And I am tired of it. I don't really think this medication that i am taking is doing too much good, I do think that the pain I am in is generally better, when I haven't been out walking, but the pain isn't GONE by any means, am I supposed to just settle for better? I don't want to be a forty seven year old cripple, I refuse to let that happen, but i am having a harder and harder time doing what i want, why the hell should I allow that? Damn it all to hell, I just dumped a nearly-full cup of hot coffee onto my desk, even on the keyboard, at least it works, for now anyway, the last time I pulled that stunt with a cup of tea, it took a little while for it to quit working, and type M's continually until I unplugged it, hell, damn, shit. I guess I should post this before the keyboard quits, maybe I will get lucky and it won't? I have coffee to clean up----later.

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