Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Read the warning label

Boring. This is a warning, this post will be boring. About my health, and I know that you hate hearing about peoples' health problems, so move on, this will be boring. I have had a couple of people ask about it, and i will answer, but i will try to be really brief.

I have been sick since i was 29. Back then, there were no answers to my problems, no one knew what was wrong. Not much different than now. It was eventually blamed on Lupus, at mayo clinic, with minimally positive test results.At that time, I was quite ill, unable to work, and ready to blow my brains out with each new pill added. I took matters into my own hands when i was 31. I went off all medications, straightened out my diet, quit eating meat, starting exercising, and got my life back. Over the years, I have had flare-ups, and various health problems, some quite serious, but I have always managed to overcome, work through the pain, keep going. I have had a good doctor, that would pretty much let me tell him what I needed, and I have avoided all the bullshit that specialists generally put you through. I have avoided all medication like the plague, except for ibuprofen. In the past year, however, these tactics have quit working for me, and I am virtually unable to carry on with my life in the manner that I want. I am pissed off about it, because all the things that have worked for me these past years have quit. My doctor has retired, (after a scandal, but that's another story for another day). So, I am now seeing specialists. I hate it. I hate them. We are now back to what the hell is wrong with you, your test results show this, don't show that. I don't give a shit what you call it, just FIX it. DAMMIT. I am now in pain 24/7. I have neuropathy, and the pain in my lower half has become quite unbearable. I am apparently going blind, or some such shit. I am seeing a neurologist, because most of my problems revolve around the central nervous system. I hate doctors and all that they stand for. But I need them, and that makes me even madder. I have become a tough old broad, living with pain will make a person that way. But now, even this tough old broad can't take it any more. I am unable to exercise. And I am pissed. That's where i am. It sucks, I want it to go away, I will do whatever I need to-to facilitate that.Which is why I am on my way to see the good dr this morning, so that I can be stuck with needles in my legs and feet, and shocked intentionally. Not that this procedure will help me, but it's something I must endure, so that the good dr can figure out WHY I am in the shape that I am in. I frankly don't care why, I just care about HOW to fix it. Shit. So that's what is wrong with me. Other than being old. And bitchy.

Hope your day is good. Look at it this way, it HAS to be better than mine. Out.


Amanda said...


I have the deepest respect for someone who can managing this kind of chronic pain along with such a busy life. Frankly I often wonder if the pain isn't exacerbated from you doing the work of three (that's 3) people!

SOULMANGE: said...

well. i learn more about you J, every time i stop by. and believe me... i am one person who KNOWS what you are talking about. dr's. i so HATE them too. but how could one NOT hate dr's after they have been in real pain...among other things...and NOT ONE can tell the WHY. OR WORSE.. do a freakin thing to help that person have a better way to live.
i have been in pain, and also some pretty serious mental problems...perhaps "some" ..well, a lot.. of the depression, stems from my LACK of the ability to LIVE this life like other people. and the fact that some of the same "other people"... blame ME for that. blemae a person for having some mysterious "disease". for being in constant pain. they only see what they want to see. and since our eyes aren't hanging off our face, or our arms hanging limp...they don't SEE what we go thru on a daily basis. if they can't see our pain... they think it's a copout, an excuse. i also live angry all the time.
it's crap! dr's are crap, being "sick" is crap. and often "people" are crap. that's why i often say, that i just wanna run away and live in a cave, because I am the only one in the world who KNOWS me. how i feel, how i think, what i need, etc.
none of that is pity or sympathy. i just want a real life....without pain, without thinking the way i do sometimes.
it'll never happen tho. none of it.
ok, i'll shut up.
here's a big hug for you..and a nother "feel good day" wish. apparently it didn't work last time..maybe the added hug will help.
hang in there.
anyhow...i think you've been blog-jacked...i should go now.