Thursday, April 12, 2007

I am a title-ist. No, a title-er. I NAME THINGS, OK?

Will this stupid, painful, irritating, and down-right fucked up week ever end? I felt so rotten (mentally) last evening, I went out and pretended it was Friday. It helped, a little, but then I woke up this morning, and it isn't I think I will start spending my time the way I sometimes spend money- borrow from the future. I am an accountant, you know, I see no reason why I can't do the creative things that I do with money with time....any input? In the end, I could actually live to be 174 years old. Interesting idea anyway.

My family---and by that I mean, MY family, the one that raised me, is a huge mess. My mom is doing better, by the way, she finished her twice daily in the hospital doses of antibiotics on Monday---and I think she really is feeling a little better. I am looking forward to seeing her this weekend. But I was referring to my sister and her crew, are all jacked up over her oldest daughter, who can't decide if she wants to live or die, and FINALLY my sister decided she might want to do something about this, so my niece is in a mental hospital, it is all so sad to me, this little girl (sixteen yrs old), has EVERYTHING on the ball, except for a mother that will be a mother. They have the strangest relationship, I swear at times, my sister is jealous of her own daughter----My niece is so sweet, and so beautiful, but she got tangled up WAAAAY too early with a boy, and now of course, they have broken up, and her family has moved her three hours away, and my niece thinks it might be better to die. This is just the most recent reason, of course, because this little girl has been crying for help for several years, and her mother, and to an extent, MY mother, have enabled all the bullshit, until bullshit has been all this girl knows, and now of course, she will go through hell to get it all straightened out. The whole situation really hurts my heart. I want to take her, drag her home here with me, I know that would no solution, hell, look at my kids, but I want to. At least with me, it would all be told exactly the way it is. I'm serious, when I say that you know----but H would literally have a stroke. And I am getting too old. But I can't get the idea out of my head. Dumb idea, yes I know.

I am going in to work late today, I told Owner that I was going to get shit-faced last night and would be late as a result this morning, and I did, just a little bit, but I feel fine today. I just see no reason to hurry in to my twelve hour day.

I am having trouble seeing a reason to hurry to anything these days. Perhaps all things are hormonal, heaven knows you should NEVER suggest such a thing to me, however,but all things in my life look like shit. I often wonder if others feel that way, or if I am the only one----but the feeling generally passes within a few days. I always blame me for these feelings, and I suppose there would be no one else TO blame, but at times I think that I am so worn out from the physical pain I have to endure, it is relentless, day in, day out. I always think that I would be such a better person if I felt better--but maybe not. I then might just be a bitch without a reason. Hey---good song title, want to write it? BITCH WITHOUT A REASON. It would have to be a number one hit. Or how about UNJUSTIFIED BITCH? Or BITCH WITH NO EXCUSE?
Enough already.

Off to my day-could include a short nap before work, although I slept almost six hours, a long night for me. Hope your day is awesome---I will settle for calm---a calm day, sounds like heaven. Out.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

What a fantastic rant! Yes today was a lot better than yesterday. I wish the same to you. :)