Sunday, June 24, 2007

What did you think I would do at this moment?

We are back home, technically only gone for a little more than 24 hours, but that was enough for me. It was a great time, H and I actually laughed alot, something that we have forgotten how to do. Why does life get in the way of the good so often? I know the answer to that question, asking it was purely rhetorical, because the answer is: It doesn't if you DON'T LET IT. Guilty as charged, I am afraid. All things have been so very stressful the past couple of years, that i have forgotten what is really important, and so has he. We didn't spend our time talking that over, however, H is not that kind of communicator. I suppose I'm not either, although I used to believe I was. It is interesting to me that I have always thought that I had a gift of speech, talking out feelings, talking things over, really trying to understand the one I am talking to, and listening. The real truth has become completely the opposite actually, or perhaps it always was. I don't want to talk most of the time. I am too tired, and most things/people are just not worth it. What kind of bad attitude is that? I suppose that part of it stems for fourteen years of TALKING my way through my first marriage, all of it was in vain, however. I continually EXPLAINED, I continually asked "what's wrong?", I continually tried to make all things better. It had to have affected me, and i believe this is the outcome. I find myself acting more and more like my asshole father, silent and uncommunicative....completely out of touch with my world at home, totally exhausted with myself and my life, after spending a grueling ten or twelve hours on the job, being the wonderful me.'s that for a little armchair therapy on myself? What I really find interesting---is that I CAN explain myself here, I can communicate here, I can put my REAL feelings here. I am not sure what the difference is---and i am aware that H reads what i write, and maybe that is why I can? Or maybe I want the feeling of being UNDERSTOOD and supported, which is what i always get from my favorite people that pop in and out of my blog. I don't know...something for me to think over. All I am really trying to say with all of this is that we had a good time, and I spent some time trying to understand the differences, and I believe that life just gets in the way of love, and I do love him, and I have never doubted that he loves me. We came within inches of splitting up three months ago, and the truth is, that could still happen. But it wouldn't be because there is no more love left between us. I once believed that was all that was needed for a successful relationship....unfortunately, that isn't the truth, but in a perfect world, it would be. Okay, enough psychological bullshit.....

I spent the past hour catching up on all my favorite blogs, I still have to comment on them, and i will. Later today. First, I really want to take a shower....I feel like I look like hell. This will be a long day spent alone, H has to work, all the kiddos are going to their dads for dinner, not that I am unhappy about being alone, today it will be alright, even a good thing. I have my race to watch, a road course, I love those, and I need to walk, and a nap to take and a book to finish, and my house looks like hell.....oh yeah, plenty to do. Have a great Sunday, I will be back later!


Josie Two Shoes said...

Hi Jamie! Glad to have you back, I actually did check your page in your absence, just to make sure you handn't snuck back home or logged in from the road. (It's an addictive behavior, I can't help myself - gotta check those blogs! LOL)

I am so glad that you and H had a really nice time away with each other. You are right that life tends to get in the way of relationships, it is easy to let it. People settle into routines and forget that you gotta nurture things to keep them growing. I think it is awesome that H cares enough to read your blog. I communicate my very best by written words, and often wished that Rick was the same. YOu can talk things out there that sometimes get too heated in person, or that are just hard to say. Sounds like you were doing some intense reflection here. I think that is always good - makes us more aware of ourselves and our environments. Changes can always be made if we want them bad enough. I wish you didn't have to work such long hours, I know along with the medical issues it just wears you out. I know I couldn't do it. Glad you have today all to yourself to kick back. And no, I don't think you have a crappy attitude about life and relationships, we just get in the ruts of routine. Leave some love notes tucked around the house for the kids and DH when the mood strikes you. It's fun and a real smile generator! :-)

SOULMANGE: said...

HI, welcome home.
glad you had a good time. funny how little it takes to rekindle even a little bit huh?
and "armchair therapy"... i like that line. i AM my best therapist ! why pay someone, when i already know everything? LOL

anyways... i have a feeling that the problems you are having with the hubby, will work out. i feel a deep sense of commitment here, and you have already mentioned the love between you two. maybe y'all just need more getaways... or somehow, make that extra time to be alone together... no tv, or computers, etc. force yourselves to have to talk... about anything. it doesn't have to be anything "deep"... just something.

i remember times, and there still are some... i thought my marriage was over too. i mean TOTAL lack of communication...of any type. if it wasn't about the kid... it wasn't at all. we would go out to eat, and sit there for 45 minutes... and not say a word to the other. it was/and can be horrible.
but ... someone... needs to break the silence... break the routine something different, and enjoy each other. amazing what even ONE day together can do.. laughing , talking, listening...etc.

there is hope. don't give up yet.

my task for you... read your "11" post every day for a month!
don't forget about that day... or what you had planned for your lives together. all is not lost.

take care girl.
and have a great day ...some days, i like to be alone..especially when i have a lot of work to catch up on. other days, not so much. but i think you will enjoy your day of rest, and peace.

evalinn said...

I´m glad u had a good time and hope your Sunday is good too! I love being on my own :-)

Anonymous said...

Just happened to catch your blog, thru, who's was it??? Forgot now. It's nice to those kind of things with H now and again to revitalize the marriage! My H isn't into blogs and furthermore it's in English, so he can't read it! LOL!

Maria said...

I'm glad your trip went well. It is always the opposite with us. We don't travel well together. Our best talks usually occur when when we sit outside at night before bed and look at the sky.

Bing doesn't read my blog often and I admit that I sort of prefer that. I think that if she was reading it, I would be much more careful about what I wrote.

My sisters DO read my blog and that keeps me a little in line....

Alissa said...

I'm glad you had a good time. I love my little get aways with my husband. We have another one planned in August. If we don't make the time, we won't ever get any time away, with just the 2 of us. As is, we hardly ever go out with out bringing the kids along, but I find it amazing that every time we do get out just the two of us, I remember how much he is my best friend. I really enjoy his company, but when we go too long with out time alone, I forget that and think that we wouldn't know how to function with out the kids around. It's kind of crazy thinking, but oh so very true...