This has been a crazy day, but no different than most of them. That's not what i want to talk about tonight. When I started blogging, several months back, the original reason was so that someday, those that meant something to me, would be able to read here how I felt about them, my life, things in general. My original objective has not changed, but life has sort of gotten in the way. While I expect there to be NO reason for me not to be able to directly tell someone any of my thoughts, life is funny sometimes, and for reasons we cannot even begin to imagine, things change drastically. I don't want to let any more time pass me by. I am going to attempt to make some of my entries more personal and directed to a particular person. Anyone that wants to can read it, I am not ashamed to let my feelings show.
To my beautiful Daughter: You have been a complete joy to me, all of your life. You were a miracle that I was not prepared to love as quickly or as deeply as i immediately did. You were perfect in every way, and to me, you still are. I will not forget the magic I felt the day you entered the world, and the magic I still feel when I look at you, and hold you even today. You are everything that i always knew you would be, even if at this time in your life you can't see it. I have always marveled at your amazing brain, your quick wit, your beautiful smile. There are things in our past, as a mother and daughter, that I am not so proud of on my end. I know i have told you before what they are. Again, I need to tell you that any mistakes that i have made directly in your life, were honestly made with your best interests in my heart. A few things I would love to go back and do differently. Since I cannot, I just want you to know, that I know I screwed up, but i didn't know it then. I really grew up with you, and that's not exactly an ideal situation. I am afraid the first child frequently has to got through alot of this-many lessons are learned on the first. In any event, I couldn't have done too badly, because look how wonderful you are today. I have never once regretted the decisions that i made to marry early, to have children early. You were born into more love than you can even imagine, between your father and I. There was no child wanted more. By either of us. Always remember that I am and forever will be your biggest fan. Your personal cheering squad. There is no problem to large or too small that you can't conquer. If you need me, not matter where I am, I will be there. That fact will remain as long as i am on this earth. Always.
To my wonderful, practical, kind and caring oldest son: I am PROUD of you, and the man that you have turned out to be. Honest-with integrity coming out of your ears. When I grow up, I really want to be like you. You are and have always been my friend. I know that you care about me, you have always worried about your mother, you have always worried about everyone. There isn't one thing about you that I can complain about, even when you have been at your lowest points, you have handled the situations with grace and integrity. I am proud of your compassion for others, your sense of humor, your smarts...shall I go on? Ditto on what i wrote to your sister about the circumstances of your coming into this world. No baby was ever wanted more, and no home was happier than when your entered it. I was really unsure of what to do with a boy, but you made the learning easy. I love you kiddo, and you can ALWAYS count on that.
To my sweet faced, big hearted, emotional, kind, youngest son: What can I say that I haven't already said about the other two, because in reality, the three of you are so much alike, and yet so very different. You have always been my baby, you will always be that to me. I know the other two have resented that at times, but you are the youngest, and you can't change that. I know that i have spoiled you in ways the other two can't understand. But it makes perfect sense to me. You have grown into a kind hearted, spirited, funny, adorable, sweet, big, strapping man. I know it's not cool to love your momma, but i know that you do. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you, years ago, or yet today. You have pushed my buttons over the years way more than the others, you have certainly, at times, been a challenge. But no other son walking this earth is loved more. I am proud of your accomplishments, so many have come from the school of hard knocks. But I have watched you grow up, and i am proud. You will be a wonderful father some day. I am so excited and anxious to see that day come, when the timing is right. I love you, more than you will ever know.
I can only say so much with words, but each of you have to know that it comes from my heart. I will always be here for each of you. As long as I am alive. And even when I am no longer here, I will still be with you in your hearts. Always and Forever, Your Momma.