Tuesday, May 22, 2007

A moment of truth

I am not working today. Anywhere. I took the day off originally because I had a dr appt scheduled...but then it was changed, and I took the day off anyway. I explained this to Owner last night and he waved me away, with a nod, and a grunt, and i know for a fact that he didn't hear ONE thing I said to him. Not one. But I need a day out of both places...although I have no idea what I will do. I need to go see my mom - it has been awhile. I would like to take her to lunch, but her husband works evenings, and there is no going out without him in the daytime. I like him okay, and he takes good care of my mom, but he bugs the hell out of me. And I would love to see my mom without him occasionally. I will see what i can do about it today.

I would like to go buy a few things, also. But heavens, I HATE to shop. But I am needing some stuff---shoes, makeup, etc. I don't know if I can make myself do it or not. I only shop in an emergency, although I am approaching that stage. H will buy whatever I need, and he does a pretty good job, but this would be impossible for him to do. I could ask D if she wanted to go with me, but I expect that would also be impossible, she doesn't seem too crazy about being around me.

Or I may just be lazy and read. I have to start a new medication today, and that always makes me nervous. I am really hoping for this one to help. I need help, with the pain, and I really think I am dealing with a pretty severe depression...duh....but sometimes we are the last to know. I really DON'T think that normal people would rather drive off the bridge than over it. So, I am putting alot of hope into this drug----it is supposed to take care of neuropathy pain and depression. Wouldn't that be a miracle? This is me, crossing my fingers.

I only worked until just after six last night, so my day was short of twelve hours, but long enough. H was home for a change, we spent the evening on the couch, in front of the television, I slept, he caught up on his favorites. It was okay. I would love to have the energy to talk to him, hopefully another thing that this medication will help. At times, I feel sorry for him---he does have alot to put up with (me). Most of the time, though, he just pisses me off. And that is sad. I don't know what that says for us, I think both of us know that we are only prolonging the inevitable.I love him and have no doubt he feels the same. I don't think we are IN love with one another any more, is that even possible? Was it ever possible? Isn't this what happens after eleven years of marriage? When my first husband left me, I though my life had ended. That there was no way I could carry on----I almost died of a broken heart. And when I came out of my stupor, I swore that NO ONE would ever have that much of an effect on me, never, ever again. And no one has. I think that part of me died with that relationship, and I am no longer capable of feeling anything even remotely close to it. When I met and married my H, I told him that, and he said he could live with it. And he has. And I love him for it, but I wonder if a person NEEDS that kind of love and commitment to survive a long term relationship? Or if I am just too old and dried up to feel anything anymore. The loser in this deal is clearly H. He has stood by me no matter what, done all that has been asked of him and more, never once made me feel stupid for the dumb things that i have done, put up with my kids, my bitching,my illness, the real and true me. And loved me anyway. But a person can only take so much. And I wouldn't blame him for wanting out, not that he says he wants that. But I would, if I were him. I would have left him years and years ago, if the tables had been turned. But he is a man of true integrity, with complete loyalty. When he's in, he's in. And I know at times, I have taken advantage of that. If we do in fact, split up, it will hurt. But I will be okay. I am way past feeling anything important anymore. I keep thinking that I can get it together before i wreck the only good thing in my life, but that isn't happening. Only time will tell.

Whew----I didn't mean to go off into that, but it really is on my mind. Sorry. A girl's gotta vent sometimes, you know? I should get my day going. Later.


Josie said...

There is much I would like to respond to here Jamie, but don't want to fill up your whole comment box... can you send me your email? Mine is josie2shoes@gmail.com Don't give up on yourself!

Beth said...

wow, what a post. Are you ok? and here I was going to say "you hate shopping?!" but that seems so trivial now. I hope you're ok.

simonsays said...

Girls, thank you so much---I don't know what to say. I am okay, seriously. I have been through alot lately, but never give up on me, I will get it together!

Amanda said...

Jamie, despite the disparity in our ages, I can identify with so much of what you've written. When my husband hurt me some years ago I too sewed up a part of my heart. For good.