Gah

Today I am 49 years old. Yes, it is my birthday and the day promises to be one of the hardest (of the birthday-days) in recent history. I mean, let's face it, my life is sort of in the toilet recently. I get to spend my birthday afternoon at an attorneys office, trying to figure out some legal/financial issues..and finding out what the options are. Yea...me. Ugh.

Mostly, I miss my mom today. On my "big" day, she always was the first on the phone to tell me how wonderful, how special, how beautiful I am and always was..how lucky she was to have had me for a daughter. Yes...I know she was full of it, but she was my MOM...:) Mothers are supposed to feel that way, you know? Many years, I thought that call was stupid. Many years, I resented being woke up..because my mom couldn't make that call after eight am, it had to be closer to six. Oh..how I would give a few birthdays now, to hear her voice. To let her tell me once again how I was born in a snowstorm...stupid? Yep, I know. Pity party, anyone?

I am trying to age with grace and dignity. That is a difficult thing to do. My life has been about nothing recently if not change, and at this age, change is even more intimidating than ever. But, I am trying. I am trying to roll with it all---and accept. Some days I wake up and wonder who's life I have been thrown into, this surely can't be mine. And yet it is. I hope for the day when I can look back and make some sort of sense of all of it.

I am supposed to have dinner with a couple of my kiddos tonight, if I have the strength left. Tomorrow night, Mark and I are supposed to have dinner. I am trying to look forward to both. Wish me luck...

Hugs to all. :)

Starting over again, where do you begin?

AS of 4:25 pm yesterday, I am officially unemployed. I no longer have any reason to get up at the butt-crack of dawn, or any reason to lay awake all night, worrying. Unless of course you count all the worry that will be necessitated by having no money and not being able to pay all the bills. About that, I am terrified.

I will not go into all the ridiculously boring details, but I left after writing a letter of resignation to the new owner, and I had the blessing of the previous owner. While I was away at the hospital on Monday, many things had changed, and the biggest change was that I was being treated like I was doing something wrong, like I was hiding something from the new guy. He of course, wouldn't say that TO me so that I might be able to address such ridiculousness, he would only say that to everyone around me. It was Bill, (old owner) who felt that I shouldn't allow DJ (new owner) to treat me the way that he was, and it was at his insistence that I go. So, at least I don't feel bad that I have let Bill down, but I do feel awful about leaving the girl I was to train. I was beginning to have serious doubts that DJ even wanted me to do that, and while I love her very much and don't mean to make an already bad situation worse, this really was the only choice I had. I hope she understands. I will be available to help her over the phone if she wants to call. In some ways, this will be easier for even her, as I know the struggle between old and new was getting to her, as well.

I will file for unemployment this morning, and let him fight it. I don't think he will have much to fight---after consulting an attorney friend, this was done in a manner that should let me collect. It would certainly help if I could, the rest will have to be up to God, as I have no clue what to do now or how to go about it. For the next few days, I am not going to worry about another job, at least not seriously. After that, after the shock wears off, I am sure something will come together.

Happy Birthday to me. Dammit. I am 48 years old, and starting all the way over.

Have a good day. :)