Monday, March 17, 2008

Frustration with a capital F

Another Monday, but not exactly the regular kind of Monday; frankly, I'd rather be bitching and moaning about another week of work beginning. Ugh.

Yesterday, just as I was finishing up my very time consuming picture post, my phone rang, and my mom had just been transported by ambulance to the hospital. We rushed over, turns out it is pneumonia, and that explains why she has been unable to breathe for the past couple of days. She looks about as bad as anyone can, and still be alive. I do not believe that pneumonia is the whole problem, and I worry even more because she is now in the tiny, tiny, not very reliable hospital in her town, but recently, she has been in the huge variety in the city, and the treatment and reliability of what they were doing was no better there. We spent the day with her, or traveling from out town to hers, and then going back. My oldest sister, Trav came down, also. It will help having her here, she is good in times such as these, she is way more patient and kind than I ever thought of being. My younger sister would be here, too but she is still unable to get out of her bed, and help for her is still almost a month away. She and my mom are both suffering from issues in their spines, my mom actually has a fractured disc and for that reason, is unable to get around without help, and if you all remember, her doctors have tried a couple of times to go in and fix it, but her lung problems have prevented it twice now. Her pain level from her back is off the chart, so pain medication is a HUGE part of her life, and dealing with her on any kind of normal level is very frustrating for me. She is either so drugged up that I cannot have a conversation with her, or crying from pain and begging for pills. The whole scene is heartbreaking to watch, and being still, in that hospital room with her, is torture for me. Yes, I know that this is not about me, but I am still left to deal with it, and I find myself just wanting to run the hell out of there - I am such a bad daughter. But I will do the best I can, and fight the urge to run, I know that my time with her is limited.

I have sent out several resumes, apparently doing that after I've had a couple of drinks is becoming my favorite pastime; who knows what I'm saying or telling these potential employers? Rocket scientist? You bet. PHD in psychology? Why not. Not really, but I probably should only do that when I haven't been tipping the brown bottles. It's amazing to me how out of it I can feel after only one or two, wouldn't you think by now I would build up a resistance?

There is not one thing normal of stable in my life right now. Not for me, Mark or Janelle. I have no idea what the future holds for any one of us. I do know that when I think about it, really let myself think about it, I want to hyperventilate. We are not broke, not even close, but seriously, it won't be too long. I cannot imagine my life, driving to and actually working in any other place at this time, but I am literally freaked out from fear, and I have to find a job. I keep telling myself to hold off, see what happens with Mark, see what will happen for him, and then work around it. But if any of you really know me, you know that I will not be able to sit idly by and wait. I am a woman of action...if you need a job, go get one. If you need to do anything, just freakin' do it. I don't know what to expect from the Ice Cream Store when it opens, I really do need to be there for awhile with Craig to help him get it rolling. But my fear will not let me wait, and I wonder if I'm going to make a mistake that will result in other issues. Damn it, damn it, DAMN IT. I also know that having all of this time together will not result in good things for Mark and I and our relationship, it seems that he cannot do anything right for me, and the truth is, he is doing nothing wrong. We are both edgy and difficult to be around. I really do feel sorry for Janelle, she amazes and dismays me with her I'm-not-the-slightest-bit-worried-about-the-future attitude, and I know that both Mark and I are no fun to live with right now. I feel completely unable to help her with any of her issues and questions about where to go or what to do, I just want to scream at her to get a job and stop thinking it all to death. She was and still is planning to move to NC, but now those plans are being held up a little, and of course, she wonders if that isn't the right thing for her, hell --- I don't KNOW. I don't know anything. At all. About anyone.

Happy Monday. If you have a place of employment to go to today, and if that place of employment is the slightest bit bearable and pays all of your bills, say a thank you to the God of your choice. And think of me. :)

12 comments:

Gypsy said...

Hey Jamie, Bet you didn't expect to see me already. I know....you can walk around in 42 degree heat with me delivering Avon if you want :)


It's very difficult to see someone you love in such horrific pain and torment. I do hope your mum finds some relief soon. It's so cruel when a person has to suffer soon.

For your own situation, all you can do is one thing at a time and breathe.....breathe nice deep breaths and count to a hundred if you have to. Sorry I'm not very helpful am I?

Gypsy said...

Has to suffer so is what I meant to say....derrr preview Gypsy, preview....

JYankee said...

Jamie....

Im not sure what to say either..but it really has been only a weekend a few days since you left your job... please wait a little more to suss out the situation... I know that you are used to just getting up and doing things right away...but timing is everything....

Terri said...

Sorry for all you are dealing with right now. It seems to be a heavy load. It sounds trite but you and Mark and Janel seem the type to be able to make the best of it. Here's hoping & praying you do!

Mary said...

It's hard to stand and wait when you're carrying a heavy load and can't put it down. I've seen the time when I felt much as you do now. Answers will come and probably at a time and from a source you least expect it. You're in my prayers.

Portia said...

Uncertainty sucks, but it will be short lived. I am wishing the best for your mother. And a good week for you:)

Josie Two Shoes said...

You are not a bad daughter, Jamie. I know you love your Mom and she knows it too. It is just very difficult to deal with situations where you feel so helpless to make things better, I've been there with my mom. You're also dealing with so many issues of your own right now that I think you are doing amazingly well considering. I too find myself awake at night so full of anxiety about finding a new job. I wish that life didn't have to be this complicated and scary, but I do believe we will both find a new spot to earn a living in a situation we can live with. Keep sending out those resumes and remember to breathe!

Brad said...

Good Lord I wished I had a magic wand and could just fix things for my freinds. I have advice but keep it to myself, you've already thought it already. Just breathe deep in and out, stay in the moment and remember your not alone and you have freinds pulling for you. Hugs!

BC

abbagirl74 said...

I am thinking of you. Happy St. Pat's Day!

Maria said...

I'm like you. Even though we have enough to get by for several months, I would be playing out bag lady scenarios in my head.

Be there for your mother, but not all there. Let some part of yourself hold back, otherwise you will go a bit nuts, you know?

And, hey...there is a job out there for you. I just know it. Hang in there.

Cheryl said...

What a lot of stuff you're going through. I'm with trying not to get too ahead of yourself. Easy to say, I know. You're not expected to be a saint with your mom. No one is. You'll get a job, though it may not be THE job. It might be the job you have while you're waiting for the right one. You need to find one thing that makes you happy, and 'go there' every day. This too shall pass. You've got friends to see you through.

Kelly Jene said...

Saying prayers for your mom. I hope she improves quickly. Hugs for you. I hope you are surprised with the perfect job!