Today I am 49 years old. Yes, it is my birthday and the day promises to be one of the hardest (of the birthday-days) in recent history. I mean, let's face it, my life is sort of in the toilet recently. I get to spend my birthday afternoon at an attorneys office, trying to figure out some legal/financial issues..and finding out what the options are. Yea...me. Ugh.
Mostly, I miss my mom today. On my "big" day, she always was the first on the phone to tell me how wonderful, how special, how beautiful I am and always was..how lucky she was to have had me for a daughter. Yes...I know she was full of it, but she was my MOM...:) Mothers are supposed to feel that way, you know? Many years, I thought that call was stupid. Many years, I resented being woke up..because my mom couldn't make that call after eight am, it had to be closer to six. Oh..how I would give a few birthdays now, to hear her voice. To let her tell me once again how I was born in a snowstorm...stupid? Yep, I know. Pity party, anyone?
I am trying to age with grace and dignity. That is a difficult thing to do. My life has been about nothing recently if not change, and at this age, change is even more intimidating than ever. But, I am trying. I am trying to roll with it all---and accept. Some days I wake up and wonder who's life I have been thrown into, this surely can't be mine. And yet it is. I hope for the day when I can look back and make some sort of sense of all of it.
I am supposed to have dinner with a couple of my kiddos tonight, if I have the strength left. Tomorrow night, Mark and I are supposed to have dinner. I am trying to look forward to both. Wish me luck...
Hugs to all. :)
