Friday, May 01, 2009

Dammit Stella, answer me

When I was young, I believed there was some kind of virtue in aging. You know, some great epiphany that occurred around that magical fortieth year....something that helped to balance out the rather rude side of growing older. "Okay so....you have to lift up your boobs to zip your jeans, but hey - you are one smart cookie." You know what I mean? Well, I am here to tell you, that's all just plain BS. Aging means remaining as stupid as ever, plus the added benefit of fossilized crow's feet, bunions, grey hair in places where there shouldn't even be hair.

In my case, I have never, ever been so confused with what I am, who I am, where I am going....or why.The big joke used to be that young people needed to "find" themselves. I don't recall ever losing me...not even in my darkest days. When I was young, I knew what I was here to do. Now ---- at the age of 49, I have no idea. I wake up each day and struggle through a job that has no meaning to me, other than paying my rent at the beginning of each month. I work with and for people that don't know me, and don't care to. I struggle back up to my apartment at the end of each day, only to sit and watch life go by the outside of my apartment. I watch people come and go to the gym, the various shops below, and wonder what the hell is so important to them. Where did those feelings go? I used to feel that way.

In the past eighteen months, I have had major health issues, and still struggle with the strength to walk around during my day, due to a spinal cord problem. Now I have the added benefit of some sort of heart issue. I have lost my long-term job that I loved, and in doing so, have lost many people that I care deeply about. I have moved from a small town to a city, and have struggled to pay both the rent and the mortgage on two places. Now, my old house is selling, and wouldn't you think that would make me happy? No, I cry because I miss that old life, the one with the happy family, living in small-town USA..the one where I had three kids that were happy and mostly well adjusted, two dogs that meant the world to me, constant activity and perpetual motion. When things got overwhelming, I had a mother I could call on. I have gone from having enough money to bankruptcy. I have been happily married and now I am separated. I have zero idea where or how that will end up. I have grown kids with such overwhelming problems that I can't get through one day, not even one day...without a crisis. I have had my heart broken so many times that patching it any further will surely cause it's demise. I am letting people down everywhere I turn. This is me? Impossible. Not Jamie, not miss-self-assured, miss-decisive, miss-get-off-your-ass-and-get-it-done. I fall into bed each night exhausted, only to wake in a couple of hours and deal with those night issues, the worries that creep in, the fear of what is next...sheer terror at the next dawning day. And yet, I get up, get dressed and plug along. WHAT FOR? How am I doing anything that matters for anyone at all?

Stella ---- how do I get MY groove back?

11 comments:

CRUSTYBEEF said...

awww Jaimella :)...your life has turned an unforseen corner which you never anticipated because of how strong you are..and that's making it harder to walk around the block because of it.
Let someone help you fix it..
talk therapy perhaps
maybe some lite meds--have I mentioned how much I LOVE Wellbutrin..it saved me from those anxious nights..still on it..but rumor has it it helps with cigarette cessation and weight. :)

I'm here for you..i'm just a state a way..

i'll meet you in the field of dreams for some corn and ice cream. :)
XOXOXO,
me

Kathy said...

Jaime, Crusty is right. Find someone good and start talking. You'll figure this out. It helps me when I stop and find one thing that makes me happy. Sometimes that one thing will lead to another, and another, and before you know it, you're on a happy roll.

Cheryl said...

I'm sorry that you feel so lost and physically broken. Just put one foot in front of the other until it gets better. And it will get better. You're at a crossroad, and you'll get through it. Wait. Take the advice of Elizabeth and Kathy if you can. I like the idea of finding one thing that makes you happy. Maybe write it down?

You have real friends here. Your blog family without all the major issues.

Smocha said...

Gah... I read this early this morning ....but...I didn't/couldn't be the first to comment...just cuz I'm SHY...yeah..that's it, I'm shy. :)

Writing IS helpful, which you are doing. Chances are, if you went to a shrink...one of the things they would tell you is "write out your feelings and thoughts"

having been there, done the whole gamut, of life "turning to shit"

I know that you are normal , you are sane. You have just been through too much shit , in too short a time.

Which , the technical term for that is ...clinical depression.

I have to say Honey ,it sounds like some anti-depressants are in order.

NOT any crazy drugs , like seriquil ! Email me . I'll tell you what works , with the least side effects.

It's going to be OK. Really. YOU are still Jamie , it's just "depression" making you doubt everything.

((((Hugs))))

SOUL: said...

a hole in your bucket? i'd say the bottom fell out!
hate to admit it but smocha is right. too much crap , in too short a time. overwhelmation. and ya know, living alone when you feel that way does no god at all. just goin through the motions to pay the bills. plus you just chumley. and holy crap there's a baby comin into your life. at least there's that to look forward to right? you have wanted to be a gramma since i met you. i know you have fear and doubt there-- but there's reason for that--- it will be forgotten so fast you won't know what hit you when you hold that precious little boy-- and see the new happiness on janelle's face. good things are comin your way too jamie. you'll get this figured out with mark too. sometimes a separation is a good thing. regardless how long or short-- it lets you see what needs fixing -- or if what was broken was so damn important in the first place.

as for your health issues -- i can only worry-- or relate. and hope that you get some answers-- fast.

just let go of some of this stuff. mainly, the past. i told you when it was in the planning stages that you would grieve that job, and the you that worked there. that happens. i need to find a post that introduced me to one of my newer peeps. maybe you can relate to it.

i need to shut up--
i could write here forever-- it seems like we haven't talked in a year. i didn't know your house sold. i know it hurts your heart-- but it really is a good thing.

i love ya j..
i wish we could just sit in the same room and talk for a while.
try to get out today-- go to the mexican restaurant, and have a beer and enchilalas -- and tell em their salsa needs to be hotter! :))

oxox

Cinny said...

You're grieving. Like you need me to tell you that. No advice from me. I will tell you that I take an antidepressant and I "should" be in therapy or create my own.

Golden To Silver Val said...

So many of your emotions/fears are a mirror of my own. Probably most women could say the same. No matter what, dear friend...NO ONE is happy all the time. There is no such thing as care-free...but the magazines try to push it, doing so much damage. Right now you're overwhelmed and feeling quite alone. Its always easier to "look backwards" and somehow when we do, we usually only see or remember the 'good times'....and that makes us sad that we no longer have it. There have always been challenges in our lives...just think hard and remember those too....and remember that you met every one of them. You DO have a purpose. 3 lovely children....yeah, yeah, I know...they can cause grief...but all kids do. If it were all fun and easy, it would be boring. A grandbaby on the way...and believe me...TRUST me...that will change a whole lot in your life. I'm praying hard that your health issues can be solved or at least made tolerable. Its difficult for some to face these things alone...but I have always done better on my own. I kind of get the idea that you're the same way. Strong headed, self-sufficient. But for the most part I made the right decisions and any strife in my life was caused by the bad decisions of others...betcha you can say the same. So, please take a deep breath...anti depressants are ok for a short term fix, but they are like putting a band-aid on an injury...underneath, the injury is still there. Venting to a counselor or just a close friend or maybe your dear sister, Trav....best medicine in the world.
I used to write pages upon pages...venting my heart out. My fingers could type as fast as my thoughts came to me. It helped so very much. Later, I would destroy the pages...they had served their purpose. Big big hugs to you, dear friend. All of us are here for you...no matter what. YOU ARE LOVED. It WILL work out. Just BELIEVE. God Bless. Love and hugs, Charlotte

The Middle Aged Woman said...

Come over here and we'll figure it out one way or the other.

Raine said...

I agree, I think you are seriously depressed. I cant think of anyone who has been thru all you have in the last couple years who wouldnt be depressed but that is no comfort to you. Not to take the topic to myself.. but..... I went thru a severe depression requiring shock therapy ( that did help a little) after a series of traumatic life events myself. I can tell you that you will come out the other side. Eventually. I have at least and I have found a kind of contentment in who I am and how I live. I think this is the benefit of aging. When life does leave you alone for a while, you find yourself content to just be and realize all the other shit, if not life threatening is really just small shit. I hope you get to this stage soon. Meanwhile (((((Jamie))))))))

desert dirt diva said...

ok so i only read the first paragraph but i had to say this.. the day i have to lift my boobs to button anything will be a blessing,(and when i get my new boob job) now lifting my stomach is a whole nether story....and brazzilion baby gets rid of that unwanted hair.. just had to say this real quik, now i will go read the rest of your post....

desert dirt diva said...

I am so very sorry i have not been around much.....Gosh my blogging friend i send you all kinds of big hugs...you will pull threw this and things, will get better.. i will say prayers for you....
vicki