VERY.....FRUSTRATED

Within the span of two little days, both of my computers at home have died. That fat lady didn't even sing -- they just died, with little warning. Just like that. My laptop has a non-repairable power issue, which I could actually fix but to replace the motherboard where it plugs in, just isn't financially worth it. My desktop, which was running right along just fine last night, apparently picked up a virus of some kind - even though I use a good anti-virus software and keep it updated. It will not allow me to get on the internet whatsoever. Now - I have to figure something out, and soon. Me without my puters is like a fish with no water....

So...how is your Tuesday?

I'll catch you all here and there when I can...don't give up on me. My work computer is awesome and I can use it when I am not busy. Lately, I am always busy. So, see you all around!

Utterly Wonderful Morning

A beautiful Easter brunch with the family. Good food, good conversation and my beautiful kids and grandkids. What more could a mother ask for on this Holy day? Utterly, utterly wonderful:

THIS

Saturday!! Oh how I love Saturdays...even though...

Even though....

Most of my Saturdays look something like THIS:

I wake up, and look in the mirror. 

It hurts, people. Sad, sad fact ---- awesome Saturdays don't change the reality of life. This requires some serious work. And on this sunny day (I KNOW! I can't believe it either) I will have to start with THIS:

I should tell you all, I hate this task. HATE it. But...not nearly as much as I hate not doing it, and looking around 117 years old. So, do this I must.

Then--- oh yeah--- then I get to do THIS:

Wish I could tell you I loved doing this. But no-- I don't. I DO however, love the result of doing it. So...do it I will. 

Then, I have got to take care of the pigsty that my apartment has become this week. Stupid kitties - just cannot or will not clean up after themselves. So---I will have to take care of THIS:

And once I manage to complete this fun, fun job, I have to run out for THIS:

Yep--- The Easter Bunny doesn't stop here anymore, so I have to fill in for him and find a couple of Easter gifts for my awesome, awesome grandsons.

By the time all of this awesomeness that is my Saturday is done...I know I will both look and feel like THIS:

But---you know what? I still LOVE Saturdays.

I'm out.   :)

Silence

Is it only me, or do you all find that you seek a place with no noise, no music, no distractions? I don't mean all the time, I love music and television, but sometimes I want silence. Quiet. Real noise is okay - birds, rain, thunder, wind...but no manufactured noise, and often most importantly--no voices. Have any of you noticed along with me that so many folks are talking anymore? Talking, talking, talking -- saying absolutely nothing. The world is a noisy place. I find as I age that I want quiet, sometimes. The ability to think, the chance to reflect, the time and noise level to come up with an "S" blog post.

I am a quiet person by nature. Not that I can't chat away with the best of them, but usually I prefer to be quiet, listen, learn, marvel at how stupid all the talkers sound....you all get the picture. I would like to be thought of as a woman of few words, but when I do speak, I would really like to be heard. Kind of like EF Hutton. Generally, that doesn't happen. So many are talking, never, ever listening. I am a great listener, a great question asker, and I learn so much in the process. Everyone around me is happy to oblige, because who doesn't like to talk about themselves?

I believe that talking is directly related to listening, not that they really have anything to do with the other. But no one hears, usually because they are already talking or thinking about what they will say when it is their turn, if they wait their turn. Talking over others has become accepted protocol.

Talk, talk, talk. It's all noise to me.

Silence. It really is golden.

A Little Q + little R. And BS for good measure.

I missed my Q. LOL...Yes, I literally missed my Q post. Personally, I think Q is kind of  stupid letter, but there are surprisingly many, MANY Q words. I was going for QUALITY. However, I was struck down by the pain fairy. I spent the past 36 hours in agony. I am better. Not good -- I am no longer ever good -- but I can manage this morning, so here this is my Q post. Not that it has anything to do with Q, but I live by my rules. LOL


As for R:


R = Reality. REALITY.


Defined as: the state or quality of being real.


Reality is what is real, am I right? And yet, it is said by all that everyone has their own reality. How can we all have our own reality, when real is real, and our perspective can not enter into it? Perspective changes all things. Yours, mine - everyone has their own perspective. But not their own reality. Because reality is what it is. The truth and nothing but the truth. How can we find our own reality, when our perspective enters into everything we do, think, say? Supposedly, reality TV is all the rage now, but none of that is real. We all like to talk about our reality, but our view of what it is changes it from the cold hard facts to the thing we want it to be or what we see to be real. Frankly, the word reality should be taken from our vocabulary. It is not our fault. We can have the purest intentions with reality. But we cannot see the whole picture and we were made that way on purpose. I live my life with my view of reality with my perspective. Others see me differently...just the same as all of you and your lives. We go along thinking we are dealing with the truth and then someone says or does something so off the reality mark that we are left reeling. The truth remains the truth but our perspective of that truth takes a hit. Most likely the truth lies between your perspective and mine. Like good old Dr Phil says - "even a pancake has two sides". There is not two sides of reality. But our view of reality? Definitely.


Just my two cents. 


Happy Sucky Thursday. 

PESSIMISM

In advance, I need to apologize for what will surely be pessimism at best, downright whining and bitching at the worst.

I have had the worst day today. In fact, I have had the worst few weeks, to be honest. My pain level is off the charts and whether it be purely that, or the medications required to keep me from putting a bullet in my brain, I am just not dealing well with my life. Not at all, not what-so-freaking-ever.

I am fed up with everything and I see no end in sight. Yes, I have doctors and their office staffs really do suck. Just today, I had to call again to have the tests scheduled, because for whatever reason - I am easily forgettable, I don't put up enough of a fight, I am too agreeable or just don't squeak enough to get the grease - whatever...I have yet to have the damned appointments made. So another call placed, another promise made. In the meantime, I am dying. And putting off any life I might have left. And furthermore? I don't really care. Just make the pain stop. Okay? Can you do that for me, Mr doctors staff? If not, please, PLEASE follow through on what needs to be done.

Because otherwise, what little bit of sunshine and happiness I have left in my life is going away, and quickly. I am really past living, just trying to work. And then, nothing. I know I have to work or I will surely die, for other reasons. After that - I no longer care. I sit here alone, wanting no one, seeing no one, talking to no one. Just leave me alone and let me suffer. But I know that is not the way to live, so I keep hoping that once I actually manage to have a test or two, there will be an answer. If not --- well then, I just don't know. I no longer have any idea what my future holds, because I cannot see past my next pill.

Other than that, I am good y'all. Really good. I'm out.

OH My...

I hijacked this from another blog---images that speak to me---

And you all know I am not political or even too much opinionated here, on my little page of nothingness. But this really got to me. How sad, how true. How very brave of the one that put this where ever it may be.

Sadly, I don't know where this is, or who it belongs to. But this image certainly is worth a thousand sad words. I suppose enough said.

OMGosh, this thing is awesome!

Yes - I know that today is not an A to Z post day, but I am going to post anyway so I think I will make it count for my "O" post, okay?

Many of you know that I am completely and literally addicted to club soda. Straight out of the chilled bottle, I drink tons of it. No real harm in it, it is only water with carbonation added. I have been drinking it for years and several times I have tried to wean myself off of it, but nothing can take it's place. It has never been too much of  a problem, Hy-Vee sells a very good version for about fifty cents a liter bottle, and when I was married and living with my husband, he didn't mind doing the shopping and lugging of the eight to ten bottles that I would drink in a week. Fast forward to marriage separation, and now we have a problem. With my back and spine issues, lugging those heavy bottles out of the store and up to the third floor of my building, is impossible. Even using the elevator. I do not have the strength. So far, this carrying of supplies alone has been the biggest issue to living by myself. I have learned and gained enough strength to manage most of what I buy, but the club soda remained a problem. Mark - who lives down the hall and remains my good friend has been my rescuer. He graciously goes out each weekend and purchases a case of club soda and carries it up to my apartment. He didn't/doesn't mind, but it has always made me feel dependent on him and I HATE that feeling.

And then, one day at Bed, Bath and Beyond:

EUREKA!

http://www.sodastreamusa.com/

OMGOSH---this thing is AWESOME! Tap water, this little gizmo machine, a bottle of co2 --- and I have club soda! No more lugging of anything, other than a small Co2 canister every couple of weeks! It does a great job, will save me some money and there will be no more damned plastic bottles to deal with, ever again! Plus, if your thing is soda - Pepsi, Mountain Dew-- the like, then you just buy the little bottles of flavoring and you have instant, home-made soda. It's very green, it's very clean, it's very AWESOME! Seriously, I am so excited! Wooo- hoo! One more solution to the living alone problem. :)

Now, if I could just manufacture my own (very heavy) cat litter...

Happy Sunday. :)

NECESSARY

I have always loved the word - NECESSARY. Always. I like the look of it, the spelling and the way it feels in my mouth. (Yes, I often do think about words I love and those that I hate---yes, I know. No need to say it).
However, I do NOT like the meaning. I hate necessary things. I hate doing them, thinking about them, spending money on them. Way too much of life is doing the necessary. I want to do the completely UN-NECESSARY. I want to waste my time and money on the things that bring me joy - not the things that bring me organization, meals, things in my life that are clean, etc. I want to live in the spirit of a carefree life, but I will forever be a do the necessary first kind of girl. I have simply been made that way. Practical, pragmatic, common, BORING. And so very effing NECESSARY. I'm out.   :)

Mergatrizzle

Heavens to Mergatrizzle, I am happy it's Friday.  :)

LA LA LA

Kopi Luwak Coffee

First off-- I have never tried this coffee and have no plans to. Ever. It sells for about three hundred dollars a pound, which in itself is enough to keep my from sampling.. However, if you are not familiar with this  "most expensive" coffee in the world, let me fill you in.

These beans grow in Sumatra, Java, Bali---they are called coffee berries. Apparently they are quite common there, as they are the food of choice for the Asian Palm Civet (pic below)...a little rat-looking thing that roams these areas. So, you have coffee berries and you have little rat animals that like to eat them. And from THAT --- comes the Kopi Luwak coffee. Yep, you guessed it, the little rats eat the beans and then they "process" them, leaving their "deposits" in their wake. And people actually go around behind them, pick this (literal) crap up --- and process it into coffee! Ummm...no thank you. Seriously, NO THANK YOU.

How did this ever get started in the first place? Think about that for a moment, will you? And if that was an experiment that worked, what about all the others that must surely have been tried that didn't?

I'll stick to my Folgers.

Jamie

I had this whole, long "I am Jamie, and this is what makes me--ME"  blog post written in my head - and have been working on it, mentally---for a couple of days. It was supposed to be a snap to get it here, in the little bloggy box. Only one problem - putting it together in my head left me sad and depressed and I realized....too much truth is not necessarily a good thing. I am me - and have become me by what I was born into, the genes I was lucky - or unlucky enough to to receive, and what I have lived. My depression came from a combination of both, I think. I have rarely talked or written completely of my past, and realize this morning that while at some point I may, it just doesn't serve any positive purpose. So, I am me - Jamie. And I am made of things that came before me, and things I lived after. Like Popeye the Sailor man---"I am what I am". While I continually strive for better than before, I have no control over what I was born with, or into--good (and there was a lot of that) or bad. I make each day as positive as I can, and really --- what else matters?

In other news --

I have been so busy at work. We are selling cars like crazy and that is a great thing. I like being busy but it has been so much so that I feel like I cannot get caught up. Taking last Friday off didn't help, but I needed it and I accomplished much of what was needed so- it was worth it.

I have been feeling pretty down, mentally. Not particularly normal for me, at least if you ask me. There has been a bit more drama than I care to live around me, some of which even involved me. I cannot deal with it - refuse to, but sometimes it hits you right smack in the face and there I was. It has taken me a bit to get over it, and still some things on the fringe cries out with the D word. I hate it. I cannot handle it. It brings me down. At times I get a bit pissy with the actions of others, and occasionally with my own...enough said. Enough all around, and I am working on my own attitude. A big job.

Depression brings out the pain - or the pain brings out the depression...either way, it hurts. Enough said about that, too. Yes, I am taking medications that make all of it better..

Have a great Tuesday. I'm gone.  :)

Eye-Yii-Yii-Yiiii

I woke up to kitty barf. Ugh --- why must kitties throw up so often? The vet said "cat's throw up".  Well, no kidding! I have to say it was pretty damned ICKY.

I went to the grocery store on Saturday. Seriously - do you all find that everything is costing so much more? I am not that big, why must I spend about a hundred dollars each week just to eat healthily? Seriously? And let's not even talk about the stop at the gas station to get less than a tank of gas for more than forty-five dollars, okay? INFLATION is killing us all.

I did most of my taxes, paid bills, entertained myself, "talked" to some family members, did some shopping, kept in touch with friends and talked face to face with loved ones. Yes, I was busy...but oh--thank you Al Gore, as I did it all from my desk. Where on earth would we all be without the INTERNET?

Ahhh...another Monday. I am not feeling it so far...and thinking about cancelling the day due to a lack of INTEREST.

Happy day, ya'll! I'm out.

H is...

Hell. Today, my pain is hell.

House hunting. Well - apartment hunting, anyway. It's hard to find just exactly what I want.

Hospital - I am fighting with my insurance company to pay the docs and hospital for various tests and such, because my insurance company is really, really, REALLY stupid.

Hair. I got mine cut on Wednesday this week, and I can't (seriously) do anything with it. WTH?

Hat. See above.

Hope. For a better day, as my pain is ruining my weekend.

Happy. Saturday.

Generalities and goofy stuff

I have a new android phone that likes to finish my thoughts. I find it amusing sometimes, so much so - that I start laughing and then trying to text only gets worse. In some ways, it has changed my vocabulary. For example -- one of my favorite texting and blogging words is BLEH. That just means -- you know..-- I'm just kind of here. Not good, not bad...just BLEH. My phone just will not accept that. So...the new word now is BLENHIEM. Yep, every time I BLEH, I BLENHIEM. This makes me giggle. So now I just blenhiem for reals.

I like pickles sometimes. Lately, I like them alot.

I just ate forty pounds of oatmeal. Okay, so it was only a half a cup, but it feels like forty pounds in my stomach.

I am not working today...and that kind of makes me happy. I have several things I have to get handled, and I am not necessarily looking forward to doing them.

I like the feeling of being loved just because I am family. There have been a couple of relatives that I know love me, they don't or didn't really know me maybe, at least not in my adult life. But I still KNOW and feel today that I am loved. My Dear Aunt Peggy is one of them. Her mother, my grandmother was another. I didn't see either of them for years and years and years, and they still love me. Just because. I have not felt unearned acceptance too many times in my life - but the two of them have always extended it.They are blood on my fathers side. On my mothers side, there is an aunt that I lost track of when I was a child and I recently reconnected with. She too, made me feel this way, along with all the cousins (her children).

I woke up too early this morning, and now I am tired. When I say I woke too early - you can bet it was. You all know my regular wake up time is already too early.

Spring is springing, finally. I am renewed once again. I hear birds in the mornings, the warmth is finally making its way through me. Another fun fact:  I am also being attacked in a big way, with hot flashes. Yeah menopause. And while we're on the subject, why must that word be so stupid?

A three day weekend for me. Full of things I don't particularly want to do. Blenhiem.

I'm gone.    :)

Favorites

We all have our favorites - things that we could do without but wouldn't want to. Here are a few of mine. What would be on your list?

Folgers coffee. I have had all the others. I have had a zillion coffee grinders and twice that many gourmet beans in all types. I have ground and measured and fiddle-effed-around with my coffee type for years - mostly through my forties. Now - just give me pre-ground Folgers.

I want a down blanket on my bed...summer or fall. I love the lightweight feel but warmth at the same time. I think my early years of unheated bedrooms and seventy-five pounds of home made quilts at my grandmothers house are the reason..so much weight, I felt like I couldn't move. However, no matter what type of down blanket I choose, the feathers still make their way out...now and then. I guess a few feathers stuck to my kitties is a small price to pay, eh?

Arm and Hammer Peroxi-Care toothpaste. I can't handle that sweet crap - especially at four am.

Almond milk - not the sweet vanilla stuff, but the original almond milk in the dairy case. I just don't like the taste of cows milk, but oh I love my almond milk.

Life cereal. Like Mikey - it's my favorite. Oh-and Quaker oatmeal. I eat my weight in oatmeal each month.

I have been a Mary Kay skin care user since I was seventeen. Mostly, it cannot be beat. However, I have just fallen in love with an olive oil face cleanser from DHC. The jury is still out on whether it will be long term or not.

My napkins, paper towels and kleenex have to be white. I hate colors and patterns for these items.

I am addicted to Gain laundry products. And dishwashing liquid.

Febreeze scented kitchen garbage bags. Love these!

Gala apples. I don't much care for the others -- and clementine oranges. YUM.

Avon's skin so soft gelled body oil. Ahhh....

Enough. I could go on forever, but this is enough. Do you use any of the same products?

E is for EENEE

Eenee, Meenee, Minee, Mo:

Today is Wednesday

'Soon time to go.

But I sit here

Pondering EEEEE

Time is flying

Late I'll be

Eenee, Meenee, Minee, Mo:

Get my butt moving

Off I go!

Oh DEE

Want to know what I have decided? If D was a person, I wouldn't love him/her too much. D is very negative. Extremely. I stay away from negative people, and I must confess I will have to do the same with this letter. While D can occasionally be DEE-lightful, and D can also Dance, there is not much else that is happy or smile inducing in the resume of D. However, if you want to talk negative or downright bad, D will get heavily involved. After all...D is disaster. Death. Divorce. Deceit. and Downright DEE-struction. Be afraid. Be very afraid--of DEE.

That is all.  :)

I need to be COMMITTED.

I am going to talk about the C word. Yep---I said the C word. 

Not the C word that you are thinking - get your mind out of the gutter, this is a G rated blog.

The word that I am going to use is Commitment. Yep----Commitment.

It's a tough word to spell, and even tougher to be. COMMITTED. I want to be committed to my exercise routine. I have to be committed to my exercise routine. However, I am struggling with this. I am so damned tired of being too cold, to tired, too...whatever to get out and do it. Oh, I go to the gym, here and there. I get out and walk at least a few times a week - maybe three if I am being honest. But the days of going to the gym five or six times each week is gone with the wind. Once it got so terribly effing cold, my level of commitment dropped. It will soon be warm - yesterday was perfect - but it will soon be warm every day. And then I expect to be committed to working out at least five times each week. It's tough. It's hard. It's sometimes nearly impossible. But I will commit to it once again. You with me?