Monday, April 18, 2011

PESSIMISM

In advance, I need to apologize for what will surely be pessimism at best, downright whining and bitching at the worst.

I have had the worst day today. In fact, I have had the worst few weeks, to be honest. My pain level is off the charts and whether it be purely that, or the medications required to keep me from putting a bullet in my brain, I am just not dealing well with my life. Not at all, not what-so-freaking-ever.

I am fed up with everything and I see no end in sight. Yes, I have doctors and their office staffs really do suck. Just today, I had to call again to have the tests scheduled, because for whatever reason - I am easily forgettable, I don't put up enough of a fight, I am too agreeable or just don't squeak enough to get the grease - whatever...I have yet to have the damned appointments made. So another call placed, another promise made. In the meantime, I am dying. And putting off any life I might have left. And furthermore? I don't really care. Just make the pain stop. Okay? Can you do that for me, Mr doctors staff? If not, please, PLEASE follow through on what needs to be done.

Because otherwise, what little bit of sunshine and happiness I have left in my life is going away, and quickly. I am really past living, just trying to work. And then, nothing. I know I have to work or I will surely die, for other reasons. After that - I no longer care. I sit here alone, wanting no one, seeing no one, talking to no one. Just leave me alone and let me suffer. But I know that is not the way to live, so I keep hoping that once I actually manage to have a test or two, there will be an answer. If not --- well then, I just don't know. I no longer have any idea what my future holds, because I cannot see past my next pill.

Other than that, I am good y'all. Really good. I'm out.

16 comments:

Lena said...

Oh Jamie, so sorry for your pain. It has got to be so awful.

I am glad you are calling the Dr. office. Speaking up is the only way u will get what u need!

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you will get the meds that will work and bring you relief so that you can become more active and content with your day to day activities!

dylann said...

Is there any way you can explain what it is. I'm sure you have in the past but I'm not sure I know. I s aware of Lupus but I tink that is all I know. If you don't want to write now, just when you do. I'm really interested in your pain. I'm sorry.

Coffeypot said...

You tired of being easily forgotten...then make sure they don't forget you. GO INTO THAT FUCKING OFFICE AND RAISE HELL UNTIL YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT AND NEED. What do you care what they think of you? What ever happens to you won’t affect the one bit. So MAKE IT HAPPEN. Take charge of your life, make things happen. Setting around feeling sorry for yourself will, indeed, kill you. And too many people love you to let that happen. You da boss. Ya hear?

C.A. said...

Jamie, I know there is not a thing I can do to help you physically feel better, but I can tell you I can completely empathize with what you are feeling. I've been in that spot so many times. Please....know that there are people out there who are thinking of you and saying prayers for relief from your pain.

Love you, girl.

Hugs...

C.A.

Josie said...

Dearest Jamie,
One of the many things I have always admired about you is your honesty, you willingness to tell it like it is, and this post certainly was that. Who of us would feel any different if we were in your shoes? Dealing with chronic debilitating pain, when you want so badly to live live, not just endure it, is the hardest thing to face and come to terms with. I am praying mightily that you will get some tests (finally) and some answers (finally) of what can be done to get things to a more manageable level. You have two beautiful little grandsons that need their Granny to be around for a long time yet, and I know you want to be. I believe God has an answer for you. I know you have faith, and more courage and determination than any other woman I know. It is OK to feel pesammistic sometimes, it's a real response to a real situation. I know too, that you will find a way to hang on to a ribbon of hope and try again on a new day. I wish I lived close enough to deliver a hug in person, sending it across the miles will have to do! XOXO
~Josie Two Shoes~
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welcome to my world of poetry said...

I am so sorry for your pain, and I do hope you get some answers soon,
My doctor is a pain in the backside so only go if need be,
I hope it is just a case of being a bad day, and you will feel better tomorrow.

Yvonne.

welcome to my world of poetry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
welcome to my world of poetry said...

Thanks for your kind comment.
Much appreciated,
Yvonne.

Sue H said...

So sad to hear you are having an awful time of things right now. I hope tomorrow is a little better and the days that follow on, too.

In the meantime you're in my prayers - and am sending a virtual hug! Know that you're not alone and that many people care for and about you!

:-)

the writing pad said...

I really hope you get some help soon - especially with the pain - when that goes, everything will seem so much easier. Good luck and keep on fighting !!
All best
Karla

Golden To Silver Val said...

Oh my gosh....how I wish I could say something to make it better for you. You know how much I care about you...at least I hope you do. I guess the only thing I can suggest is that you become a real BITCH. Unfortunately it seems to be the only language a lot of medical professionals understand. Make such a pest of yourself that they will do the testing immediately just to get rid of you! I know its not in your makeup to be like that....its not in mine either but sometimes you have to do things out of what's ordinary for you in order to get relief.....otherwise people just take advantage of your good nature. This full moon has been quite emotional for me too...hopefully when its gone, we will all feel better. Big hugs dear friend....feel better soon....real soon. xo

Cheryl said...

You had to end this post with a little humor, cause that's you. :)

I appreciate your honesty Jamie. Like the others, I wish for relief from the pain. Have you ever had it this bad before? If so, it got better, for a while at least, right? I hope it abates. Living in that kind of pain is no way to live, and I know you want your life back.

Hugs Jamie. From the bottom of my heart.

SharleneT said...

I'm glad you were able to get the appointment, too. Some days are worse than others -- let's hope the brighter days are on their way.

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welcome to my world of poetry said...

Thanks for the comment, Yes I agree back when the films were good.

Yvonne.

Mems said...

I hope that you get the appointments you need and that the pain gets better. I'm sorry that you're feeling so down and icky!

Miss you bunches!!! Love you Aunt Jamie!!!

P.S. Thank you for the comment. :) I love getting your comments. & it is really annoying when they cancel the good shows!

Leann said...

My dearest Jamie,

As long as you allow them to put you on the back burner they will. We allow people to treat us a certain way. Take charge. Be in the office daily until you get what you need. Only you can advocate for your health, no one else will do it. I understand your countenance and as long as you are o.k. with it, then that's how it will be. This post made me want to jump on a plane to Iowa and hold you in my arms until you feel better. Take care of you and don't make me come out there :-)