Enough said

So I got the wind knocked right out of me again yesterday and I have to confess to you all: If my balcony were higher off the ground, I would jump. I can't go into what happened here, but if it turns out anything like the last time, I am not sure I'm strong enough to hold myself - let alone any other involved parties together. To be perfectly honest, I am totally worthless in that department now, all of my "correct words" and maybe even my faith is lost...I am tired and brain dead and nearly all the way cold and dead inside. Every area inside of me hurts...and I don't mean physically here. Work? Who can work? And more importantly, this morning at least, I just don't care. Let them come and take it all.....I won't be far behind. Please forgive my tone, because I know how bad this sounds, but you all need to understand, I have had enough. And now that I have whined to you all once again, enough said.

Rambling Rose

Two weeks from today, Mark and I and a zillion other family members will set off in a rented van for Las Vegas. (The others will not be driving with us, I bought them plane tickets.) Under the circumstances, I am not sure if I should feel like going, but I have to tell you all ---- I cannot wait. I mean, I cannot WAIT. I know that leaving all the problems doesn't change any of them but if I don't get a break from the bullshit of life soon....I fear that I will become one of this families issues, as I will have to be locked up in a padded room. For the past year - yes it has been a whole year--things just keep going to hell. It began last summer/fall, when I was getting too weak to walk. And we all know that progressed to the wheelchair...then, my daughter found herself with child, and we all know how that ended late last January. Then my job blew up in my face, then we moved from the town I called home for the past 14 years, then I have taken and quit several jobs....then one child after another has had serious, scary issues...and now my mom. And daughter finds herself with child again. I am not celebrating this, and won't ---- until things are certain to be okay, as for my own protection, I just plain can't. Excuse me if that sounds cold but once I have been screwed in this life by something out of my control, I must....I HAVE to wait until I am relatively sure that it can't happen again. I certainly am not happy with some of the choices she has decided to make but again, not in my control and seriously, if I think about all of this too much right now, I am afraid of what will happen to me. And yes, I know that this is not about me, but if I don't consider me in all of it, I don't know what might happen. I have become too fragile to deal with most anything...and that's the first time I have ever said that. I don't like fragile people, but I am now understanding them. (I still don't like them.) There is something in me that makes me plod on....and once I quit doing that, I worry about what happens then. The one thing I do know is this: My life has to settle down. Things around me have to stop falling to shit or there will be no one wanting my help anymore, as they are going to have to help me.

It is Sunday, and Trav goes home today. I know she is ready, she has been gone a long time. She is so good at helping when help is needed, she spent literally all day - thirteen hours at the hospital with mom yesterday, as Richard had to be gone to take care of some business. I didn't even make it there, when I woke up yesterday, I was in a huge amount of pain and was too weak to walk across the floor, that scared me, I haven't been like that in months. Then as the day wore on, I came down with a full blown cold--sore throat, runny nose, coughing. Just great. I need to go to the hospital today but am not too sure I should, although with all the medications my mom is on, it's hard to believe that my cold would be a problem. But anyway, Trav will go home today and I will miss her. Somehow she always gets in on the drama of my life, and there has been plenty of that....so I am more than sure she is ready to leave.

Mom has been transferred to a regular room and may get to go home herself in a few days. She is still having issues but they are things that can be taken care of from there. I am so shocked that she has survived this. I feel like we have all been given one more chance at time with her, as we all know it's a matter of time before her lungs fail completely. Even just a couple of months more would be wonderful, and I plan to make the most of the time. Unfortunately, I have to get myself back to work now, as financially I cannot wait any longer. I feel completely unprepared to do that, my mind seems to be missing. I go back in to talk with my manager tomorrow, to see how I can possibly stay on the timetable that had been set up --- as I am not prepared to move further with my training. A good part of today has to be spent with my nose in a book and I pray that I can find my brain before then.

So back to the vacation --- yes, I know it's selfish of me to feel like taking one now. I know that. But if I have ever needed anything before, it couldn't be more than I need this now. And I know that I am taking most of my issues along with me...my kids...but they will be on strict notice that I want to hear NOTHING bad, this is a time for fun and if they can't accomplish that, then stay way from ME. I have the highest hopes that everyone can get along while there -- just call me Rodney King----but seriously, EVERYONE has to get along for four days. FOUR DAYS. Will it kill them? I think not. LATER.

A note to WHO?

I am a real fan of LOL cats, I get them each day in an email, and they honest-to-goodness make me laugh out loud, each and every day.

It seems there isn't enough of that happening from me otherwise, I was told yesterday by someone that matters that I am not happy, not a happy person, I never look happy. I have thought about that alot since then. Perhaps that person is right. I guess I am all wrapped up in the negative, not generally my own, but the negative of those that I love. And to be quite honest, there are some things in my own life that require some frowns...and I am working on those. I guess my only answer is that I don't know how to NOT let the problems of my children get me down, the bigger the problem, the bigger the frown. What I find so funny is that while everyone expects me to have all the answers, no one expects that perhaps the issues will weigh on me. Why is that not allowed from me? I am generally the person of choice to spill the problems to and that part seems normal to me, but how can that not affect me? Like a wise-old-sister once told me..."they call and ruin your day. Within hours, their lives are perfectly fine. Yours on the other hand is a mess..." So much truth in that. While she was speaking of general-run-of-the-mill stupid daily crap, the rule still applies to the problems that now weigh me down, and these are of a more serious nature. And because they are, the frown lines grow deeper. Am I happy? Seriously, yes. At least I am beyond the recent troubles. And they will get better, with required work and effort---not necessarily the work that I can do, but he work of those involved. Yes, I am a mess right now, but the Pollyanna in me tells me that it will all work out. Any issue, under a microscope will look too large. Put in perspective, things even out a little. And we have been under a microscope for far too long now. The things that I consider a blessing in life, are not considered the same to the interested parties, so I am thrown off a little. I'm not too sure of my role right now...and I am left floundering around, wondering just what to do. This is a place I am not familiar with, my life has been easily mapped and I always know my place in it. In relation to recent issues, it's not so easy---although let me assure you, pushed hard enough, taken far enough, I can and WILL take the reins. Anytime the safety of this person - or any other person this close to me - is threatened, after given enough time to save one's self, then I can and will take over. But I feel certain that will not be the case here. I see progress and feel hope, even if I am standing on that island alone. All I have to offer you is me---and while you seem to underestimate the value of that, I feel certain that one day you will understand. For the rest of you, I do apologize. This is a note to a certain person, and I have brought you all in just enough to confuse you. Enough said...

Today is work at home day. I am so far behind in the books and business end of my life it isn't even funny. I must get some order in that part of my life before I lose it. I do have to travel to what will soon be one of my offices-as I will be working for the insurance company I had hoped to, and there I have to pick up the study material that I need for the other dreaded state tests I am required to take. So, welcome me BACK to the world of studying and freaking out about yet another state test. Oh the joys of my life...but I am happy to be getting back to work soon. Not that I haven't been working...yesterday, my middle kiddo and I worked for several hours on the ICS --- and still have more to do, tomorrow.

My place is really beginning to look good, I am anxious to get the rest of my furniture on Friday - at least I hope it's Friday, these days, it's best NOT to plan on anything. I still have things to hang on the walls, and other things on the walls that need moved - I have pics hanging behind things now...that is a nice look, lol.

Happy Wednesday to each of you. Later.