A slice of Christmas

I have spent this past week searching for a job. Not that I haven't spent the preceding weeks doing the same thing, but now...when panic is setting in, I have been looking for a job everywhere. Me, and about ten million other unemployed losers, that is. At least, that is the number that Brian Williams used on the news last night. I didn't know I was part of such a large group of anyone, but in this case, I'd rather not be a joiner. UGH. I have several things that look promising, but I have had that many times...so, I have no idea. And how has your week been?

I am having friends and kids over for dinner tonight and I am looking forward to it. It will be very good to have a little laughter in my home, even if it is only temporary. So, there is much to be done today...and also for the holiday, which is looming. I am still not sure how many will be here for dinner on Thursday, but I must confess...I am dreading turkey day the most. Well, not as much as Christmas, but alot. Mom always had such a huge role in both days, but mostly Christmas. This year, I will be doing great just to get through it.

I was forced to buy a new Christmas tree, my traditional one that I had just bought for last year, will not fit in this place. It was a HUGE and BEAUTIFUL tree...it was seven and a half feet tall and had hundreds of lights...but it was almost 6 foot across the bottom. Ummmm...not in this apartment. I did sell the old one on Craigslist for a really great price - $75...and I paid $200 for it last year, so it was only used once. The woman that bought it was so excited that she called to thank us for selling it to her, she said it was perfect. So, anyway...I ordered a new tree, its a corner tree...so it is literally a "slice" of a Christmas tree. It arrived this week and I had no where to put the box so i put it up. It is the stupidest tree you ever saw. There is stands, in the corner...and even decorated...it just looks plain stupid. Sigh...

See?

I did go to the doctor this past week, I hadn't seen him (my neurologist) for a year! A whole year! That seems impossible...last year at this time, I was in that damned wheelchair. The news there was good of course, considering that I couldn't walk back then. I did have a couple of things that need watching and a couple of tests that need doing when I have health insurance. Otherwise, good news.

I got my first manicure E-V-E-R yesterday. It wasn't so bad, and I love the way it looks. Doing my nails has become impossible for me, and when you are trying to look professional...it's a necessity. So, Janelle and I went and had them done. It was great!

I have been so bad at keeping up with blog world. Looking for employment is time consuming -- it has changed so much. It's almost all done by computer, and sometimes you have to just visit website after website. So, that is where I have been spending all my time. I could end up flipping burgers, who knows? I have been asked what I am doing applying in a place like this when I have a resume that looks like that. Hmm...I do believe it's called survival.

I will be better with every one's blog this week. Have a great weekend.

Just....stuff

On My Monday:

The Fire alarm in apartment building went off for more than twenty minutes. Just before seven am, when all good folks should either be sleeping or just barely awake, the damned thing started...and wouldn't fricking stop. You all know what your smoke alarms sound like in your own homes? This is that times a thousand...on steroids. It is L-O-U-D. Poor CrazyDog thought Armageddon had arrived. Mark spent his twenty minutes with a pillow over the damned speaker..and it is HIGH up on the wall, so there he was with a pillow between him and the wall, standing on a bar stool...just to keep the dog and cats from jumping off the balcony. No, their was no fire, but the fire department send three trucks anyway. It was about 20 degrees outside, so I was trying to determine which was the lesser of two evils...the crazy-making noise or the cold..and I decided I was not going to leave without the animals in case their was actually a fire, so we stayed in and watched for smoke...the lights in the hallway were flashing, the alarm was building-wide so even out on the balcony, you could still go deaf...that was a great start to a Monday.

Jordy and Steph drove to Podunk where we used to live and got themselves a big old buck....right through the windshield of their cavalier. Needless to say the deer won...and his head and rack was in the car with them, briefly...Jordy said that "kinda freaks a guy out". Of course, only liability insurance was had on their old car..so now they are down to NONE, since just a few weeks ago, steph's old Mazda gave up on them...good heavens. I ended up driving to Podunk myself to pick up the kids...it was not what I was in the mood to do, it seems that all I have done recently is drive. But, it gave me a little time with my kiddos, I haven't seen much of these two recently.

On My Sunday:

This day was much better. I spent it with my sisters and most of my kids - and the dinner I made that you all asked about was chicken and noodles and mashed potatoes (of course) and broccoli and rolls and the banana pudding....again. It is my youngest sisters favorite and my mom always made it when she (Shell-my sis) was going to be around. In fact, my mom was the queen of chicken and noodles and she never did get well enough to make it for me for my birthday this year. We had a wonderful day together, and I cried, again, when everyone left. I am always amazed at the bonds that sisters have...me and mine, included. We laughed and cried and laughed some more, embarrassed Mark a time or two...and just honestly enjoyed ourselves. It was a day to remember and one I know that made Mom happy, she loved for "us girls" to get together and laugh. We decided that we need to spend a weekend or two together each year, without kids or husbands and I am going to hold them to it.

I have been so damned tired these past days, and I can't seem to shake it. I suppose it's stress as there certainly are enough things to keep me from sleeping and I haven't been. But this goes beyond sleepy, it is all the way through the bone tired. I have no idea what my problem is, but I am ready for it to go away. I haven't even walked much lately, and I feel so much better when I do.

I hope all of you are having a great week - it's hard to believe that November is here, Thanksgiving is just a couple of weeks away...where has this year gone? Not that I'm complaining, I am actually ready to see 2008 gone, it has been a rough one. Later friends. :)

Bad BAD girl

I am a bad, bad girl. I am a bad blogger and a bad friend. I apologize, seriously. But I just can't write these days...had it not been that I needed to update you all on Soul's condition, I wouldn't have written at all recently, and for that I really am sorry. It isn't that there aren't things happening here to write about, but for some reason, they all seem uninteresting to me, and I assume that they would have to seem that way to you all, too. However, I will give you all the monotone version of my life, which in reality is sort of the way I am living recently. No stereo, just monotone.

I am starting a new job on Tuesday, nothing that I am the least bit excited about, but it will help pay the bills until I find the THING that I want to do.

Bill had surgery on Friday, and you all wouldn't believe how good he looks and acts. There is color in his face that I have never EVER seen before and his eyes are actually sparkly. That's not too bad for a guy that just went through quad bypass open heart surgery, and he is 60 by the way, how many 60 year old men have sparkly eyes? Who knows how long he has been sick with this?

My youngest - Jordan - broke his ankle two weeks ago and cannot be on his foot at all until it heals. His employer promptly fired him. Bastards.

My middle kid-Craig- has moved to the city and has landed a new job, and I think he is actually excited about it. He won't start for another week, but he is doing well.

My oldest-Janelle- has split up with her boyfriend once again...and of course now she is pregnant. For the life of me, I cannot figure out young people anymore and this is all about to kill me. She is doing well however, and sees her specialty dr tomorrow, to find out if there is anything wrong with this baby. After her last experience, it just makes sense, although in my gut I think everything is fine, this time is completely different from the last, and she is acting like a perfectly normal, albeit emotional, pregnant woman. See, I told you she is acting normal.

Life here in the big city of Des Moines is moving along way too fast. Thanksgiving is just a few weeks away, and then Christmas is right on the heels of the turkey...ugh. Where has the time gone? What am I doing with my life? I did do one good deed today, Mark found a cell phone in the parking area near one of the clubs that we live next to, he brought it home and I contacted it's owner...well someone contacted it's owner, when they called it and I explained that I had the phone and would keep it safe...so I met the owner of the cell phone and she was quite happy that it was okay...I know how hard it is on young people to lose their phones, I have been through it with mine, and they feel like they have lost their whole lives. So, that is one thing I feel pretty good about.

And with that...I am out. I will certainly try to do better at posting and also reading, I honestly do miss you all. Later.

Rambling Rose

Two weeks from today, Mark and I and a zillion other family members will set off in a rented van for Las Vegas. (The others will not be driving with us, I bought them plane tickets.) Under the circumstances, I am not sure if I should feel like going, but I have to tell you all ---- I cannot wait. I mean, I cannot WAIT. I know that leaving all the problems doesn't change any of them but if I don't get a break from the bullshit of life soon....I fear that I will become one of this families issues, as I will have to be locked up in a padded room. For the past year - yes it has been a whole year--things just keep going to hell. It began last summer/fall, when I was getting too weak to walk. And we all know that progressed to the wheelchair...then, my daughter found herself with child, and we all know how that ended late last January. Then my job blew up in my face, then we moved from the town I called home for the past 14 years, then I have taken and quit several jobs....then one child after another has had serious, scary issues...and now my mom. And daughter finds herself with child again. I am not celebrating this, and won't ---- until things are certain to be okay, as for my own protection, I just plain can't. Excuse me if that sounds cold but once I have been screwed in this life by something out of my control, I must....I HAVE to wait until I am relatively sure that it can't happen again. I certainly am not happy with some of the choices she has decided to make but again, not in my control and seriously, if I think about all of this too much right now, I am afraid of what will happen to me. And yes, I know that this is not about me, but if I don't consider me in all of it, I don't know what might happen. I have become too fragile to deal with most anything...and that's the first time I have ever said that. I don't like fragile people, but I am now understanding them. (I still don't like them.) There is something in me that makes me plod on....and once I quit doing that, I worry about what happens then. The one thing I do know is this: My life has to settle down. Things around me have to stop falling to shit or there will be no one wanting my help anymore, as they are going to have to help me.

It is Sunday, and Trav goes home today. I know she is ready, she has been gone a long time. She is so good at helping when help is needed, she spent literally all day - thirteen hours at the hospital with mom yesterday, as Richard had to be gone to take care of some business. I didn't even make it there, when I woke up yesterday, I was in a huge amount of pain and was too weak to walk across the floor, that scared me, I haven't been like that in months. Then as the day wore on, I came down with a full blown cold--sore throat, runny nose, coughing. Just great. I need to go to the hospital today but am not too sure I should, although with all the medications my mom is on, it's hard to believe that my cold would be a problem. But anyway, Trav will go home today and I will miss her. Somehow she always gets in on the drama of my life, and there has been plenty of that....so I am more than sure she is ready to leave.

Mom has been transferred to a regular room and may get to go home herself in a few days. She is still having issues but they are things that can be taken care of from there. I am so shocked that she has survived this. I feel like we have all been given one more chance at time with her, as we all know it's a matter of time before her lungs fail completely. Even just a couple of months more would be wonderful, and I plan to make the most of the time. Unfortunately, I have to get myself back to work now, as financially I cannot wait any longer. I feel completely unprepared to do that, my mind seems to be missing. I go back in to talk with my manager tomorrow, to see how I can possibly stay on the timetable that had been set up --- as I am not prepared to move further with my training. A good part of today has to be spent with my nose in a book and I pray that I can find my brain before then.

So back to the vacation --- yes, I know it's selfish of me to feel like taking one now. I know that. But if I have ever needed anything before, it couldn't be more than I need this now. And I know that I am taking most of my issues along with me...my kids...but they will be on strict notice that I want to hear NOTHING bad, this is a time for fun and if they can't accomplish that, then stay way from ME. I have the highest hopes that everyone can get along while there -- just call me Rodney King----but seriously, EVERYONE has to get along for four days. FOUR DAYS. Will it kill them? I think not. LATER.

Break out the champagne!

I'm home! I am so happy to be here, I'm at my computer desk, coffee within reach, two cats clamoring for my attention. Honestly, I do not mean to repeat myself, but there really IS no place like home. Heaven. That's what it is.

I made it! I seriously cannot believe that I made it through the past two weeks. I know to you all it just sounds like training, no big deal. But I cannot tell you what a struggle it was for me, not just the learning, I generally learn easily, but for some reason this was intense and difficult and alot to absorb in a very short time, but also I made it through without giving in, quitting, telling the whole corporate world to shove it, you all just have no idea how I am celebrating on so many levels. I don't ever give up but this time, I gave it serious consideration on more than one occasion. It was a physical struggle, some days I was certain I would not make it, but I pushed and pushed and survived. It is an amazing feat for me, and I do feel proud, not that I learned something, but that I managed to stay in, keep at it, and not let my physical limitations get the best of me. On the drive home last night, which was heaven by the way, Mark at the wheel, me-free to relax for the first time in two weeks, sleep if I wanted to...but anyway, on the way home, I spent a good amount of time reflecting just the past year, but I could go back further if I wanted...but just in the past year, how things have steamrolled me and my whole life. All things have changed or are changing. That is difficult at any age, but you all need to remember that I am not too far from 50 years old, and none of us really think that our settled lives will be overturned in the manner that mine has. All of it requires good changes, but change in any form is difficult. I am trying so intensely to roll with change, and we all know that is an attribute that I have never fully developed. I was safe and secure in my old world, I made the decisions, and guided this ship...for everyone. I no longer feel the need to run it all, to rush to correct the wrongs that were made by those involved, to be the fixer of all of life's problems. I don't really know how I got to this place, but I am enjoying knowing that I am not required nor even often expected to rush in and make every one's worlds better. I am learning that it's okay to feel scared, unsure, and overwhelmed. I have never allowed myself that luxury. To you all, that just might sound like a negative thing, to me...what a relief. I feel that now, I can focus on my own issues, everyone around me is capable of taking care of their own. Yes, I am well aware that this is how it should have been all along, but even the name of this blog will tell you that I didn't see it this way. How did I get to this place? I do believe that God had a lesson in mind for me, and since I was not seeing it, He had to put me in a place that was so overwhelming, that I had no choice but to focus on just me, just my problems, because we all know that any pyramid will come crashing to the ground with out the correct support of the bottom blocks. I am the bottom block. And my blocks have been cracking, so much so, that there has been a very real possibility of the whole structure tumbling down. I got the danger signs of having just that happen, and realized that I was going to be of no use to anyone unless I pulled back and took care of ME. And I have managed. No, these revelations will not change the fact that my life is difficult each and every day, and that I will struggle from time to time. But I have learned that I am not required to make it all better. I am going to worry about making my OWN better, and let everyone else take their own blocks from here. I can listen and offer my thoughts, support and advice, but from here on out, the rest of my blocks are on their own, they will have to manage their own cracks. Does that make sense?

I have no idea if I'm even going to like my new job, but I do feel that I have been through the mill for some reason, so I expect that I will do just fine. I still have so much to learn, and Tuesday will be a rough day, but I really am ready to get back to the grind.

Which brings me to the current most pressing problem, I need a place to live. And today, I really hope we find something. Yes, we are going to get back into that damned car and drive to the city again, and hopefully find a place that we can love and one that will still take a chow. I am going to have to stay in a hotel at least part of this week, as my newly scheduled hours are long, and after the holiday on Monday, I work each and every day this week. So, wish us luck....we need a great apartment by the end of today. Help!

Thanks to you all so much for your support and encouragement these past two weeks. It has been so wonderful to log on to my puter and have the kind words that all of you left me. You know I love you---Have a happy Saturday!