Do be do..

Spent my day yesterday, watching the inauguration, in-between the mundane household tasks. I cried a little, at the hope on the faces of those that traveled so far to be there...at the words I sincerely want to be true...and at the realization that I couldn't call my mom and compare notes and thoughts. She was the reason I love politics, she was the reason I have my own ideas and beliefs. We often differed politically and we always enjoyed the discussions. I miss my mom. I had a dream about her last night, when I woke up, I forgot she was gone for a moment. That was the best moment I will have today.

I have spent the past few days on the phone, trying to gather information for/about the business closing that I wrote about a few days ago. In doing that, I have learned that MANY of the small car dealerships that I know so well and that are in this general area are closing. I don't even know what to say to that. For one thing, it explains why I am still unemployed, as I know as sure as I'm sitting here that my many years of experience in that field is certainly desired --- assuming, of course, that there is business being done. I knew the business in general had gone south, but I was not aware of the enormity of the problem. That knowledge doesn't exactly make me feel better, but it does help me understand.

I have been working on a deal for the ice cream store for the past two months...there had been an offer made, but certain things had to be done and accountants had to be consulted and blah-blah-blah. In the end, it fell through. Yesterday was the day that I was notified. That too, made me cry...as the cash flow here and for Bill is becoming an issue. He of course has now lost over three hundred thousand on the car dealership, and the cash that would have cleared on the ICS deal would have helped him along until the mess could be sorted out in court. My finances were needing the shot in the arm that the sale would have provided, as well. There is not a job to be found - at least not for me. I am overqualified for what is available, and they don't mind saying that. No matter how much I assure them that I will not be moving on to greener pastures when the opportunity arises. And of course, I would. They aren't stupid.

Today, I have to SHOP...with my sons. Have I mentioned that I hate shopping?

Happy Wednesday. :)

Rambling Rose

Two weeks from today, Mark and I and a zillion other family members will set off in a rented van for Las Vegas. (The others will not be driving with us, I bought them plane tickets.) Under the circumstances, I am not sure if I should feel like going, but I have to tell you all ---- I cannot wait. I mean, I cannot WAIT. I know that leaving all the problems doesn't change any of them but if I don't get a break from the bullshit of life soon....I fear that I will become one of this families issues, as I will have to be locked up in a padded room. For the past year - yes it has been a whole year--things just keep going to hell. It began last summer/fall, when I was getting too weak to walk. And we all know that progressed to the wheelchair...then, my daughter found herself with child, and we all know how that ended late last January. Then my job blew up in my face, then we moved from the town I called home for the past 14 years, then I have taken and quit several jobs....then one child after another has had serious, scary issues...and now my mom. And daughter finds herself with child again. I am not celebrating this, and won't ---- until things are certain to be okay, as for my own protection, I just plain can't. Excuse me if that sounds cold but once I have been screwed in this life by something out of my control, I must....I HAVE to wait until I am relatively sure that it can't happen again. I certainly am not happy with some of the choices she has decided to make but again, not in my control and seriously, if I think about all of this too much right now, I am afraid of what will happen to me. And yes, I know that this is not about me, but if I don't consider me in all of it, I don't know what might happen. I have become too fragile to deal with most anything...and that's the first time I have ever said that. I don't like fragile people, but I am now understanding them. (I still don't like them.) There is something in me that makes me plod on....and once I quit doing that, I worry about what happens then. The one thing I do know is this: My life has to settle down. Things around me have to stop falling to shit or there will be no one wanting my help anymore, as they are going to have to help me.

It is Sunday, and Trav goes home today. I know she is ready, she has been gone a long time. She is so good at helping when help is needed, she spent literally all day - thirteen hours at the hospital with mom yesterday, as Richard had to be gone to take care of some business. I didn't even make it there, when I woke up yesterday, I was in a huge amount of pain and was too weak to walk across the floor, that scared me, I haven't been like that in months. Then as the day wore on, I came down with a full blown cold--sore throat, runny nose, coughing. Just great. I need to go to the hospital today but am not too sure I should, although with all the medications my mom is on, it's hard to believe that my cold would be a problem. But anyway, Trav will go home today and I will miss her. Somehow she always gets in on the drama of my life, and there has been plenty of that....so I am more than sure she is ready to leave.

Mom has been transferred to a regular room and may get to go home herself in a few days. She is still having issues but they are things that can be taken care of from there. I am so shocked that she has survived this. I feel like we have all been given one more chance at time with her, as we all know it's a matter of time before her lungs fail completely. Even just a couple of months more would be wonderful, and I plan to make the most of the time. Unfortunately, I have to get myself back to work now, as financially I cannot wait any longer. I feel completely unprepared to do that, my mind seems to be missing. I go back in to talk with my manager tomorrow, to see how I can possibly stay on the timetable that had been set up --- as I am not prepared to move further with my training. A good part of today has to be spent with my nose in a book and I pray that I can find my brain before then.

So back to the vacation --- yes, I know it's selfish of me to feel like taking one now. I know that. But if I have ever needed anything before, it couldn't be more than I need this now. And I know that I am taking most of my issues along with me...my kids...but they will be on strict notice that I want to hear NOTHING bad, this is a time for fun and if they can't accomplish that, then stay way from ME. I have the highest hopes that everyone can get along while there -- just call me Rodney King----but seriously, EVERYONE has to get along for four days. FOUR DAYS. Will it kill them? I think not. LATER.

Little disconnected thoughts

Okay, so my computer is really annoying the hell out of me, and if I missed commenting on your page, it's because this damned machine will not let me. UGH.

Went to the horse races last night, left early, got home LATE. Had a good time but man-oh-man, I am tired today. Didn't win....so I am guessing there is more to it than betting on the one's with the cool names...LOL.

CrazyDog got herself locked in the laundry room while we were gone...who knows how many hours she was confined in that tiny, dark little space. When we got home, she was so upset she had made quite a mess...ugh. Not sure if it was because of her locked-up predicament or if it was the bladder infection she is still being medicated for.

On my walk yesterday, I was treated (?) to the sight of a man peeing...right there on Mills Civic Parkway...right in front of God an everybody...I was shocked! I just sort of looked at him, and he at me...and I went on my merry way, but I wanted to tell him to put that thing away...I mean, it WAS eight o'clock in the blessed morning! And that highway is busy...and wouldn't you think he would at least have the decency to turn around?

Went to the drive through at Mickey D's last night at two am...I have never seen such incompetence in my life...I seriously expected the B-team, but these workers were actually B-team wannabe's....

Hope everyone has the best of Sundays. I am trying to decide if I have what it takes to get out and walk today, I'm pretty sore from the past five days, and so very tired. I will wait and see, I guess. :)