Wednesday, August 27, 2008

A note to WHO?

I am a real fan of LOL cats, I get them each day in an email, and they honest-to-goodness make me laugh out loud, each and every day.

It seems there isn't enough of that happening from me otherwise, I was told yesterday by someone that matters that I am not happy, not a happy person, I never look happy. I have thought about that alot since then. Perhaps that person is right. I guess I am all wrapped up in the negative, not generally my own, but the negative of those that I love. And to be quite honest, there are some things in my own life that require some frowns...and I am working on those. I guess my only answer is that I don't know how to NOT let the problems of my children get me down, the bigger the problem, the bigger the frown. What I find so funny is that while everyone expects me to have all the answers, no one expects that perhaps the issues will weigh on me. Why is that not allowed from me? I am generally the person of choice to spill the problems to and that part seems normal to me, but how can that not affect me? Like a wise-old-sister once told me..."they call and ruin your day. Within hours, their lives are perfectly fine. Yours on the other hand is a mess..." So much truth in that. While she was speaking of general-run-of-the-mill stupid daily crap, the rule still applies to the problems that now weigh me down, and these are of a more serious nature. And because they are, the frown lines grow deeper. Am I happy? Seriously, yes. At least I am beyond the recent troubles. And they will get better, with required work and effort---not necessarily the work that I can do, but he work of those involved. Yes, I am a mess right now, but the Pollyanna in me tells me that it will all work out. Any issue, under a microscope will look too large. Put in perspective, things even out a little. And we have been under a microscope for far too long now. The things that I consider a blessing in life, are not considered the same to the interested parties, so I am thrown off a little. I'm not too sure of my role right now...and I am left floundering around, wondering just what to do. This is a place I am not familiar with, my life has been easily mapped and I always know my place in it. In relation to recent issues, it's not so easy---although let me assure you, pushed hard enough, taken far enough, I can and WILL take the reins. Anytime the safety of this person - or any other person this close to me - is threatened, after given enough time to save one's self, then I can and will take over. But I feel certain that will not be the case here. I see progress and feel hope, even if I am standing on that island alone. All I have to offer you is me---and while you seem to underestimate the value of that, I feel certain that one day you will understand. For the rest of you, I do apologize. This is a note to a certain person, and I have brought you all in just enough to confuse you. Enough said...

Today is work at home day. I am so far behind in the books and business end of my life it isn't even funny. I must get some order in that part of my life before I lose it. I do have to travel to what will soon be one of my offices-as I will be working for the insurance company I had hoped to, and there I have to pick up the study material that I need for the other dreaded state tests I am required to take. So, welcome me BACK to the world of studying and freaking out about yet another state test. Oh the joys of my life...but I am happy to be getting back to work soon. Not that I haven't been working...yesterday, my middle kiddo and I worked for several hours on the ICS --- and still have more to do, tomorrow.

My place is really beginning to look good, I am anxious to get the rest of my furniture on Friday - at least I hope it's Friday, these days, it's best NOT to plan on anything. I still have things to hang on the walls, and other things on the walls that need moved - I have pics hanging behind things now...that is a nice look, lol.

Happy Wednesday to each of you. Later.

15 comments:

Amanda said...

I used to suspect you were actually Superwoman in disguise but now I'm sure of it.

Terri said...

I've only been reading your blog for about 8-9 months now and without even really knowing the story of your back/neck injury, just the things that you've had to deal with this year (and I'm sure we don't even know the half of it) have been incredibly heavy for anyone, let alone a mother, whom we all know will tend to worry more than anyone else. If you are not jumping for joy and don't show your happiness, it's okay and it can't be much longer before things get better - they always do!

Good luck on your tests & studying!

CRUSTYBEEF said...

If only there could be more mom's like you--you carry burdens and bury them for the others--in your own backyard.

What do you want out of a relationship and how do you want to manage your relationships with others? Is it possible to be a listener without being a fixer? Would it still be difficult? OR do you want to actually fix things?

Safety,..forget about it that's an entire different story----but then again I look at my parents-especially my mom who like you is such a strong saint---There have been many "circumstances" that have put my 29 year old brother in very unsafe positions, things that my mom learns from him, or from just being his mom--and unfortunately no matter what she tries to do even when she tries to pull the reins in- he still choses to learn the hard way.

She's learning how to remove herself and it's a long road..but as I tell her, it wasn't the hare that won the race, it was the turtle...take your time with your steps and look around at the scenary...

times will improve and just because you might be facially not showing your happy button doesn't mean that you're not happy---could just mean that you feel like internalizing with yourself--and well, you should because it's you and your path!

HUGS To you!!

elizabeth

tests scare me, good luck!!

Cheryl said...

I wanted to stop by and say hi. No time to do more than that because the clock is ticking and I have to get to work.

Study hard. I can't wait till your tests are over! Happy Wednesday back to you.

Gypsy said...

You know Jamie, you feel things very deeply whether they involve you directly or indirectly. It's who you are and why people come to you for help and advice. What they don't realise is because you do feel things so deeply, when they just "get over it", it isn't quite so simple for you to extricate yourself from your own troubled mind.


I totally get that and have been caught out in much the same way myself. What ends up happening is you take on more and more burdens until the load just gets too heavy. You're grimacing from the pain of the burden and people interpret that as unhappy. What you are, is tired and sometimes maybe a little bit defeated.


If people want you to have a smile plastered to your face all the time they need to start fixing it themselves and maybe you will get the opportunity to feel some sunshine on your face instead of always being underneath the shade of the dark clouds.

Ruthibelle said...

sympathies... my heart goes out to you...

desert dirt diva said...

I like what your sister said, and oh it is so the truth.. my oldest seems to do this to me allot.next time someone says your being negative , just let them know that your having a postivley negative moment so that ways your both at one time!!it works for me..

M Chickk said...

My hubby says I worry too much. He doesn't worry enough. Much like you mentioned, he is always telling me that things "always have a way of working out" and I hate to admit it, but he is usually right.

I just get more frustrated when he tells me that though.

bonnie said...

I'm glad you are happy. There is nothing like nesting and making your household look nice to make you feel pretty good for a while. My house is a mess right now. Maybe I should give it some tlc.
Be well love. xoxo

fiwa said...

You've had a rough year, and so have your loved ones. No one can gush happiness all the time, but if you are content with what you have and know that the bad times will pass - that sounds like a happy person to me.

I'm looking forward to more pictures of your nest - it's looking good. :)

fiwa

Kelly Jene said...

If you feel a kind of happiness inside and feel optimistic on the future, then you're doing well. I read a book once that was wonderful and it said to "live in the light of eternity". If you were outside of time, looking down at your life and you saw this tiny section of hardships, in comparison to the rest of life and eternity, it isn't that big of a deal. I'm not saying the problems aren't real, but looking at the big picture may help to keep the optimism going.

Big hugs and love for you!

ac said...

Jamie, you are my hero. You are strong when necessary and soft when needed. You are wise, warm, funny, witty, caring, compassionate, and charming beyond words. I hope I'm like you when I grow up. X O ! ac

SOUL: said...

this is ME wavin at YOU-- i'm HERE but have to GO , but i'll be back later, and talk some more in your box about what you wrote-- cuz right now i'm bein rushed out the door by a hungry buncha soul-goons.

luv you
333
:))
OX

Portia said...

Thank heavens for lolcats! I take the laughs where I can get them too:)

Raine said...

I once read that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. I kinda find that to be true myself. I think you do too. ((((Jamie))))