Sunday, September 21, 2008

Rambling Rose

Two weeks from today, Mark and I and a zillion other family members will set off in a rented van for Las Vegas. (The others will not be driving with us, I bought them plane tickets.) Under the circumstances, I am not sure if I should feel like going, but I have to tell you all ---- I cannot wait. I mean, I cannot WAIT. I know that leaving all the problems doesn't change any of them but if I don't get a break from the bullshit of life soon....I fear that I will become one of this families issues, as I will have to be locked up in a padded room. For the past year - yes it has been a whole year--things just keep going to hell. It began last summer/fall, when I was getting too weak to walk. And we all know that progressed to the wheelchair...then, my daughter found herself with child, and we all know how that ended late last January. Then my job blew up in my face, then we moved from the town I called home for the past 14 years, then I have taken and quit several jobs....then one child after another has had serious, scary issues...and now my mom. And daughter finds herself with child again. I am not celebrating this, and won't ---- until things are certain to be okay, as for my own protection, I just plain can't. Excuse me if that sounds cold but once I have been screwed in this life by something out of my control, I must....I HAVE to wait until I am relatively sure that it can't happen again. I certainly am not happy with some of the choices she has decided to make but again, not in my control and seriously, if I think about all of this too much right now, I am afraid of what will happen to me. And yes, I know that this is not about me, but if I don't consider me in all of it, I don't know what might happen. I have become too fragile to deal with most anything...and that's the first time I have ever said that. I don't like fragile people, but I am now understanding them. (I still don't like them.) There is something in me that makes me plod on....and once I quit doing that, I worry about what happens then. The one thing I do know is this: My life has to settle down. Things around me have to stop falling to shit or there will be no one wanting my help anymore, as they are going to have to help me.

It is Sunday, and Trav goes home today. I know she is ready, she has been gone a long time. She is so good at helping when help is needed, she spent literally all day - thirteen hours at the hospital with mom yesterday, as Richard had to be gone to take care of some business. I didn't even make it there, when I woke up yesterday, I was in a huge amount of pain and was too weak to walk across the floor, that scared me, I haven't been like that in months. Then as the day wore on, I came down with a full blown cold--sore throat, runny nose, coughing. Just great. I need to go to the hospital today but am not too sure I should, although with all the medications my mom is on, it's hard to believe that my cold would be a problem. But anyway, Trav will go home today and I will miss her. Somehow she always gets in on the drama of my life, and there has been plenty of I am more than sure she is ready to leave.

Mom has been transferred to a regular room and may get to go home herself in a few days. She is still having issues but they are things that can be taken care of from there. I am so shocked that she has survived this. I feel like we have all been given one more chance at time with her, as we all know it's a matter of time before her lungs fail completely. Even just a couple of months more would be wonderful, and I plan to make the most of the time. Unfortunately, I have to get myself back to work now, as financially I cannot wait any longer. I feel completely unprepared to do that, my mind seems to be missing. I go back in to talk with my manager tomorrow, to see how I can possibly stay on the timetable that had been set up --- as I am not prepared to move further with my training. A good part of today has to be spent with my nose in a book and I pray that I can find my brain before then.

So back to the vacation --- yes, I know it's selfish of me to feel like taking one now. I know that. But if I have ever needed anything before, it couldn't be more than I need this now. And I know that I am taking most of my issues along with kids...but they will be on strict notice that I want to hear NOTHING bad, this is a time for fun and if they can't accomplish that, then stay way from ME. I have the highest hopes that everyone can get along while there -- just call me Rodney King----but seriously, EVERYONE has to get along for four days. FOUR DAYS. Will it kill them? I think not. LATER.


SOUL: said...

i'm finally FIRST again !!!

SOUL: said...

:)) just had to make sure i would stay first :O
color me immature.

anyhow-- you are so far from selfish i just can't tell you. i wish you could see that. you need , and deserve this trip to vegas-- i really hope you can find that -- and accept it-- it's true. and if you need to avoid the "kids" while there-- do that. this is your time. ok. it's your time to have FUN, and to let things go for a while. it's ok to have a good time, when things are bad in our lives. that's why even soldiers go on R & R in war time. sometimes ya just gotta be "normal".. wear the damn sandals..go out to lunch. let fucking GO. it's ok. it doesn't mean anything will be different when you come back.. but you will have a break, and it really does help, and make a difference-- even for a while. and that's a good thing. please go, have fun, and leave the guilt at home. it'll be there waiting if you want it when you get back.. but you don't have to take it. you have NO need to feel guilty. NONE. i wish you could see in you what everyone who knows you sees. i really do.

anyhow. you know how i feel about about the things happening in your life --- now-- and since i've known you-- but ya know -- you always come through. and you will get through this too. i know how cliche` and bullshit that sounds when you are at the point that you are at-- you know i do. but you also know it's true -- or you wouldn't tell me the same thing at times. right?
well... you know i love you-- and i do know that things are gonna get better for you. they have to-- right?
that looks stupid
i'm goin fishin.. call me if you want-- i'm sorry i slept late.. i took a pill at 333! :))
cuz i woke up- and didn't wanna face life yet. sorry.

(can i PS our mutual blog pals?-- cuz i will anyhow-- :))

hey -- any SOUL peeps???--
i'll get to y'all later-- reaLLy i will. :))

happy -- or at least -- "decent" sunday
to everybody-- even folks i dont know -- (here)

ok i'm gone--


SOUL: said...

ps-- i actually like neil diamond-- i have his cd in my car-- and-- i just may listen to that sing on my way to the pond-- just cuz. :))


SOUL: said...

uh oh-- there was a country guy -- the one who did dont let your babies grow up to be cowboys did a song with that name too--
which one do you speak of...and wth is HIS name?

ok.. really goin this time--

Mary said...

You NEED this time to relax and see a little sunshine - you've been in a storm for much too long. Good for you issuing an order that everyone get along and cause no stress.

I lived for almost 20 years with daily stress and frustration. When I was able to let go of that life and begin a new one I had the children for dinner and told everyone that I'd begun a new life and there would be no anger, stress, confusion, or problems in my house. I still live by that code. It's so much better.

Your mom is in my daily prayers as are you. Have a wonderful Vegas party!

Gramma Jo said...

You'll just keep feeling like things are spinning more and more out of control if you don't go and force yourself to have fun. Do things for yourself while in Vegas. Everything will be waiting when you get home so immerse yourself in Vegas and have fun.

I don't know you but I have been in similiar places in life and you NEED to do this for yourself.