Two weeks from today, Mark and I and a zillion other family members will set off in a rented van for Las Vegas. (The others will not be driving with us, I bought them plane tickets.) Under the circumstances, I am not sure if I should feel like going, but I have to tell you all ---- I cannot wait. I mean, I cannot WAIT. I know that leaving all the problems doesn't change any of them but if I don't get a break from the bullshit of life soon....I fear that I will become one of this families issues, as I will have to be locked up in a padded room. For the past year - yes it has been a whole year--things just keep going to hell. It began last summer/fall, when I was getting too weak to walk. And we all know that progressed to the wheelchair...then, my daughter found herself with child, and we all know how that ended late last January. Then my job blew up in my face, then we moved from the town I called home for the past 14 years, then I have taken and quit several jobs....then one child after another has had serious, scary issues...and now my mom. And daughter finds herself with child again. I am not celebrating this, and won't ---- until things are certain to be okay, as for my own protection, I just plain can't. Excuse me if that sounds cold but once I have been screwed in this life by something out of my control, I must....I HAVE to wait until I am relatively sure that it can't happen again. I certainly am not happy with some of the choices she has decided to make but again, not in my control and seriously, if I think about all of this too much right now, I am afraid of what will happen to me. And yes, I know that this is not about me, but if I don't consider me in all of it, I don't know what might happen. I have become too fragile to deal with most anything...and that's the first time I have ever said that. I don't like fragile people, but I am now understanding them. (I still don't like them.) There is something in me that makes me plod on....and once I quit doing that, I worry about what happens then. The one thing I do know is this: My life has to settle down. Things around me have to stop falling to shit or there will be no one wanting my help anymore, as they are going to have to help me.
It is Sunday, and Trav goes home today. I know she is ready, she has been gone a long time. She is so good at helping when help is needed, she spent literally all day - thirteen hours at the hospital with mom yesterday, as Richard had to be gone to take care of some business. I didn't even make it there, when I woke up yesterday, I was in a huge amount of pain and was too weak to walk across the floor, that scared me, I haven't been like that in months. Then as the day wore on, I came down with a full blown cold--sore throat, runny nose, coughing. Just great. I need to go to the hospital today but am not too sure I should, although with all the medications my mom is on, it's hard to believe that my cold would be a problem. But anyway, Trav will go home today and I will miss her. Somehow she always gets in on the drama of my life, and there has been plenty of that....so I am more than sure she is ready to leave.
Mom has been transferred to a regular room and may get to go home herself in a few days. She is still having issues but they are things that can be taken care of from there. I am so shocked that she has survived this. I feel like we have all been given one more chance at time with her, as we all know it's a matter of time before her lungs fail completely. Even just a couple of months more would be wonderful, and I plan to make the most of the time. Unfortunately, I have to get myself back to work now, as financially I cannot wait any longer. I feel completely unprepared to do that, my mind seems to be missing. I go back in to talk with my manager tomorrow, to see how I can possibly stay on the timetable that had been set up --- as I am not prepared to move further with my training. A good part of today has to be spent with my nose in a book and I pray that I can find my brain before then.
So back to the vacation --- yes, I know it's selfish of me to feel like taking one now. I know that. But if I have ever needed anything before, it couldn't be more than I need this now. And I know that I am taking most of my issues along with me...my kids...but they will be on strict notice that I want to hear NOTHING bad, this is a time for fun and if they can't accomplish that, then stay way from ME. I have the highest hopes that everyone can get along while there -- just call me Rodney King----but seriously, EVERYONE has to get along for four days. FOUR DAYS. Will it kill them? I think not. LATER.