I'm home! I am so happy to be here, I'm at my computer desk, coffee within reach, two cats clamoring for my attention. Honestly, I do not mean to repeat myself, but there really IS no place like home. Heaven. That's what it is.
I made it! I seriously cannot believe that I made it through the past two weeks. I know to you all it just sounds like training, no big deal. But I cannot tell you what a struggle it was for me, not just the learning, I generally learn easily, but for some reason this was intense and difficult and alot to absorb in a very short time, but also I made it through without giving in, quitting, telling the whole corporate world to shove it, you all just have no idea how I am celebrating on so many levels. I don't ever give up but this time, I gave it serious consideration on more than one occasion. It was a physical struggle, some days I was certain I would not make it, but I pushed and pushed and survived. It is an amazing feat for me, and I do feel proud, not that I learned something, but that I managed to stay in, keep at it, and not let my physical limitations get the best of me. On the drive home last night, which was heaven by the way, Mark at the wheel, me-free to relax for the first time in two weeks, sleep if I wanted to...but anyway, on the way home, I spent a good amount of time reflecting just the past year, but I could go back further if I wanted...but just in the past year, how things have steamrolled me and my whole life. All things have changed or are changing. That is difficult at any age, but you all need to remember that I am not too far from 50 years old, and none of us really think that our settled lives will be overturned in the manner that mine has. All of it requires good changes, but change in any form is difficult. I am trying so intensely to roll with change, and we all know that is an attribute that I have never fully developed. I was safe and secure in my old world, I made the decisions, and guided this ship...for everyone. I no longer feel the need to run it all, to rush to correct the wrongs that were made by those involved, to be the fixer of all of life's problems. I don't really know how I got to this place, but I am enjoying knowing that I am not required nor even often expected to rush in and make every one's worlds better. I am learning that it's okay to feel scared, unsure, and overwhelmed. I have never allowed myself that luxury. To you all, that just might sound like a negative thing, to me...what a relief. I feel that now, I can focus on my own issues, everyone around me is capable of taking care of their own. Yes, I am well aware that this is how it should have been all along, but even the name of this blog will tell you that I didn't see it this way. How did I get to this place? I do believe that God had a lesson in mind for me, and since I was not seeing it, He had to put me in a place that was so overwhelming, that I had no choice but to focus on just me, just my problems, because we all know that any pyramid will come crashing to the ground with out the correct support of the bottom blocks. I am the bottom block. And my blocks have been cracking, so much so, that there has been a very real possibility of the whole structure tumbling down. I got the danger signs of having just that happen, and realized that I was going to be of no use to anyone unless I pulled back and took care of ME. And I have managed. No, these revelations will not change the fact that my life is difficult each and every day, and that I will struggle from time to time. But I have learned that I am not required to make it all better. I am going to worry about making my OWN better, and let everyone else take their own blocks from here. I can listen and offer my thoughts, support and advice, but from here on out, the rest of my blocks are on their own, they will have to manage their own cracks. Does that make sense?
I have no idea if I'm even going to like my new job, but I do feel that I have been through the mill for some reason, so I expect that I will do just fine. I still have so much to learn, and Tuesday will be a rough day, but I really am ready to get back to the grind.
Which brings me to the current most pressing problem, I need a place to live. And today, I really hope we find something. Yes, we are going to get back into that damned car and drive to the city again, and hopefully find a place that we can love and one that will still take a chow. I am going to have to stay in a hotel at least part of this week, as my newly scheduled hours are long, and after the holiday on Monday, I work each and every day this week. So, wish us luck....we need a great apartment by the end of today. Help!
Thanks to you all so much for your support and encouragement these past two weeks. It has been so wonderful to log on to my puter and have the kind words that all of you left me. You know I love you---Have a happy Saturday!