Sunday, February 15, 2009

Too many questions, too much time.

Today is Sunday---the 15th of February. It is the date of the Daytona 500, the first "official" Nascar race of 2009. It is also the day after Valentines day, and the day before I start my new job. It is more importantly, my second day of living alone. What I thought would be easy has turned out to be much more than that. This is not easy, it's lonely. There, I said it---admitting that does not come easy to me. I want to need no one, but find that I might and this fact is distressing to me. But it is only day two. I have had no life of any kind for months now, and what used to be a compliment to my life became the central focus, and I do not believe any relationship can stand up to that kind of scrutiny for very long. No one person should have to be a lifeline for anyone else, that's a huge undertaking that even Superman would tire of quickly. I have not been the clinging vine that those words bring to mind, but rather the resentful shrew purposely not waiting at the front door. But there has been a smile on my face. No one could accuse me of being a bitch. I have this uncanny ability to put the pressure on, even while doing something as mundane and helpful as cooking dinner. The unspoken word here, with my children and those that are close to this family, is that Jamie is the one that wants it this way...Jamie is the one who pushed him out the front door. I would like to set the record straight here, if you all don't mind. Jamie wanted it as much as Mark did. Perhaps Mark wanted it more, because I must tell you all, that had there been one word uttered during the packing and hauling, Jamie would have broken down and said, NO. But I didn't do that, because he didn't hesitate. This was not a war of wills, it was done out of necessity, to hopefully preserve what we have left. To hopefully regain some of the respect, desire, and fun of what we used to be together, because there is none of that left. Is that even possible? After almost fifteen years together, is it possible to feel anything like it once was? I know that kind of time changes people, obviously we cannot be the same as we were back when we first met. I don't expect that, but I do expect to like each other again, to look forward to time spent together. Maybe I just am incapable of the long term, as my first marriage broke up in just about the same time frame. Maybe I have unrealistic views of what life truly is supposed to be. But I am struggling here, with all of these questions. The doing is over, and I am trying hard not to give in to what's easiest, to keep this separation going so that something can be gained. To give it up now, because the newness of the situation is painful, would not accomplish anything. Most certainly, within days, we would be right back where we were, just the day before yesterday. And honestly, it makes no difference, as this whole mess depends on two of us, and I don't know where he is in all of it. Too many questions...too much time.

And yes, I finally start my job tomorrow. I am ready to go, but apprehensive. This has to be right for me...I can't take anything else being wrong. Wish me luck.




Oh--and I did get flowers yesterday for the big V---they aren't the usual white roses, but I feel certain these meant more. They were from my beautiful daughter. :)

12 comments:

Cheryl said...

I wish you huge amounts of luck. It would be awesome (I really do like that word) if you loved this new job. Great if you like it OK. Alright if it's 'just' a job: a filler if it's not. You need to work, and you have a job. You need the distraction, if not just the money.

Your living arrangements are brand new. You have to be in shock, no matter how prepared you thought you were. Take it one day at a time. Think in the present if you can. One of my favorite sayings is 'I'd rather be lonely alone than lonely with somebody else'. You're going to be just fine in time.

I hope the sun is shining in your part of the world.

Smocha said...

Ditto that.

Living alone does take some getting used to. I can not imagine doing it cat-less . Hopefully you won't be doing it as long as I have. :)

I hope your new job is a perfect fit and the start of an upswing in all the aspects of your life.

(((big hugs)))

Mary said...

When a little time has past and the feelings settle you'll feel better. If angry words don't fill the void then, in time, you and Mark will be able to face each other and talk openly. In the meantime you have the new job to fill your time and divert your attention.

Spring and a happier life are in the wings waiting. Meantime you have the full support and understanding of your blog family.

SOUL: said...

0x

Romany Angel said...

I understand very well what has been happening in your life re your mariage. I have been living with a flat mate for years, not a husband. I hope you can find your way back to each other if you think there is something worth salvaging but if not, see this as an opportunity to find Jamie, to discover what Jamie likes, wants and needs.

Good luck with the job. It's the first step to a new tomorrow and I hope the journey is as painless as possible.

Summer said...

I wish I could talk to you face to face instead of typing. I just want you to find your way and be happy.

Terri said...

the flowers are beautiful. good luck on the job today! best wishes on the timing of the separation. Oh my. Oh my.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Prayers for strength and support are being said for you dear friend. We have to have faith that it will all turn out all right. Big hugs and much love.

ac said...

You know me. How I like to remain incognito around here... (ha) I temper every thing I write. That's why I'm so boring. Having said that, I'm going to tell you something not many people know. I fell in and out of love with my husband many times in the 28 years we were together. Not only can you fall back in love, but in my humble opinion (and it is humble!), in any relationship worth it's salt, the participants MUST fall in and out at least a few times. :) Good luck my friend.

ac said...

oh.. That snafu I had a while back has struck again. I'll be back. Hugs! ac

SOUL: said...

she's right ya know.

bonnie said...

OMG Jamie, I thought I should catch up with you and lordy, I'd never had suspected you were going through so much. I separated from Steve for 18 months back in 1997. It was the best thing I ever did for our marriage. Jessica was just ten and very confused and angry. But it was the best thing for her and her dad as I stopped being the buffer between them. I wish you the very best. Keep that chin up at the job and get some sleep.