Sunday, September 06, 2009

The way we were

I am so very tired this morning. We worked hard yesterday, although we barely made a visible dent in all that needs doing. The insides of all the file cabinets are organized though, and there is about forty pounds of useless paperwork sitting in a garbage bag waiting to go to the burn pile at Mark's brothers place. I cannot tell you how good it made me feel to get rid of so much paper...some of which I have been carrying around for ever. I also cannot tell you how surprised I am that so much of the paperwork made me cry...and that is a reaction I didn't really think about or plan on. When I left the old dealership, back in March of 08, I pretty much packed up what was in my desk drawers without going through any of it, there just wasn't that much time. I had been sitting at that desk for eleven (?) years...and of course, when I went through it all I found eleven years of my life. Cards from Mark addressed to the love of his of the kids at various ages, art work from the boys high school assignments. Photos from basketball games and football games that the boys played in. Of course, photos of various Christmas parties from the job over the years, pics of employees kids as they grew...on and on and on. And then of course, there were the cards from about a million vases of flowers from Mark, Janelle and my mom. Birthday cards from my mom...just seeing her perfect, distinct handwriting makes me cry. Years and years of a life that was....and I can't help but wonder what this life that is has in store.

Of course we packed up the pics from the frames from all over the house and on the walls. I am surprised how many Mark wanted, I don't know why. I guess it stands to reason that they are his memories, too. Our wedding album, in it's box..full of photos of two very much in love, starry eyed younger versions of ourselves, with actual happiness and hope in both of our eyes. Yes, I cried, and so did he. It's helpful to know that this relationship is not all the way over, perhaps it can be repaired. We are the best of friends and for now, that helps. Not knowing what the future holds makes it hard to see how that will play out but for now, it does make the blow a bit easier.

After we did all that we were emotionally up to, we went to dinner, just he and I. Sadly, I couldn't remember the last time we did that, we go out frequently, but generally with one, two, or twenty-seven kids along for the ride. It was a good evening.

I couldn't sleep at all once I got in bed. Too much alcohol for one thing, although I didn't have that much, I just can't take it very well anymore. And way too many memories running around upstairs. Today will be rough, there is so much work to do.

On a much happier note, the Ice Cream Store is now history. That makes me happy. I wish the new owners the best of luck. :)

Happy Sunday friends. I'm out.


SOUL: said...

hey look, i'm FIRST!
well, for now.

anyhow-- you sound sad. i'm sorry for that. somehow i knew it would be hard for you , goin through the file cabinets and papers. like you--- i hold on to a LOT... and it is my life-- and the life of others in that stuff, that many call junk. it's just not junk. it is my life. many times i think that's why i have a hard time when i pack to move. because going through so much at once, it just isn't easy. so much changes over the years, and when you look at all of it in a short period of time... well, you obviously know what i mean.

i guess i don't know what to say. you have been through so much this passed couple years... so many life changing things. you always faced your fear though and came out on the other side stronger than before. i'm sure this last hurdle will be the same. you and mark both will be fine. and it's great that you can and will stay friends. and like you said, maybe later on down the road, things will work out differently. just give it time, give yourself time.

anyhow--- hope you get a nap today-- i know i need one, but tryin not to give in.

later pal

Bill said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lena said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog today. I had been reading you for a while there and lost track of you.

I was sorry to hear about you and Mark and all that you are going through right now. Sounds like you are comfortable with your decision, but I need to catch up with your story now.

Take good care.

Moohaa said...

Being able to stay good friends is much better then having to hate each other. It brings tears to read about it.

I used to hold on to so much. Now I try to get in two good clean out's per year. Now that we're in a bigger house I'm even going through boxes that have stayed packed for many years of my life. It feels good to have a good "cleanse" session.

Hugs lady.

Golden To Silver Val said...

My ex and I are on speaking terms. I wouldn't say we are friends...we never were and that was the biggest reason we couldn't stay together. But I do know that if I was in a bad predicament and needed help...he would help me (but not financially of course). I would rather have that kind of a relationship with the ex than one of hatred any day. Maybe a reconciliation somewhere in the future is a possibility for you...what better person than your best friend? In the meantime, chill out...give your brain a rest. I understand, oh so well, about mom's handwriting. When I see my mom's writing, I just stop and lovingly gaze upon it, and actually run my fingers over it. What's amazing is that our handwriting is so much alike, I have to look twice to assure that its hers and not mine. Big hugs! Enjoy the day. xxoo

Cheryl said...

The friends that left comments before said things so well. It was a sad day, but joyful too because there were so many good memories there. Bittersweet? One day at a time. Who knows what the future will bring?