And so, another new year upon us. They stack up on me these days, fly by way faster than I care for, little time for reflection, little time for enjoyment, just plug right along day after day, day after day, then BAM - here we are, another new year in my face.
The truth is, as rough as I can be, New Years Eve and New Years Day always makes me sad. Auld Lang Syne always, ALWAYS reduces me to tears. Last night, no exception. I was awake, I was out of the house, I was kissing my husband at midnight. Inside, I was crying, happy and grateful for the past year, fearful and nervous for the next one.
Because the truth is, I have taken the plunge. I have applied for (private insurance) disability, and will not be working, at least not the way I have been for the past thousand years. 2012 will be a new chapter and way of living. I know no other way, work until I fall down, literally. Work until there is little if anything left to give, nothing left to work with. Necessary for survival for myself and my family. It still is, that hasn't changed. Many more people than should depend on me for many things, financially. But I have no more left in me. I am hurting myself further, I am taking risks with my own life and more importantly, the lives of others, driving to and from each day. All of this has weighed heavily on me for months now. That fact alone, makes me sicker each day. Knowing that I am doing less than a stellar job in life, in every damned department I cover - personal and business, I am failing. I can't live with failure. I can't live knowing that I am taking from my employer more than I am giving. So, I took the plunge. The details I will keep to myself for the time being, but suffice it to say, once I have the end of year accomplished, I am done. Perhaps consulting, certainly training, but no schedules, no time clock, no expectations. Normal people would like that. Me, being the twisted woman that I am, finds this utterly terrifying. No exaggeration....terror describes the feeling. I feel that I am following my destiny, that is not in question. Even though I am now and always have been aware that I really don't pilot this vessel of my life, the illusion has always been that I do. To physically, literally walk away from the controls induces panic attacks in this old gal, and panic attacks are not my forte'.
If you pray, will you please throw one out there for me? Obviously to prevent any further issues health-wise, but also that I can let go gracefully, that I can focus what I have left in the right place, that I can take the best care of me so that there can be joy. Physically, I won't bore you all, but you must know that I wouldn't be changing every little thing in my life if the situation were not dire. No, nothing new. Just bigger, worser, more in my face, every damned day. Also, many things need to fall in place financially, for this all to work. The stress of that - the stress of worrying that things will not work out is difficult, and it will be some time before I can breathe in that area. Once again, something that is not in my control.
Happy New Year, my good friends. Thank you all for being there for me, thank you for caring.
Love and Hugs.