Sunday, January 01, 2012

Walking away

And so, another new year upon us. They stack up on me these days, fly by way faster than I care for, little time for reflection, little time for enjoyment, just plug right along day after day, day after day, then BAM - here we are, another new year in my face.

The truth is, as rough as I can be, New Years Eve and New Years Day always makes me sad. Auld Lang Syne always, ALWAYS reduces me to tears. Last night, no exception. I was awake, I was out of the house, I was kissing my husband at midnight. Inside, I was crying, happy and grateful for the past year, fearful and nervous for the next one.

Because the truth is, I have taken the plunge. I have applied for (private insurance) disability, and will not be working, at least not the way I have been for the past thousand years. 2012 will be a new chapter and way of living. I know no other way, work until I fall down, literally. Work until there is little if anything left to give, nothing left to work with. Necessary for survival for myself and my family. It still is, that hasn't changed. Many more people than should depend on me for many things, financially. But I have no more left in me. I am hurting myself further, I am taking risks with my own life and more importantly, the lives of others, driving to and from each day. All of this has weighed heavily on me for months now. That fact alone, makes me sicker each day. Knowing that I am doing less than a stellar job in life, in every damned department I cover - personal and business, I am failing. I can't live with failure. I can't live knowing that I am taking from my employer more than I am giving. So, I took the plunge. The details I will keep to myself for the time being, but suffice it to say, once I have the end of year accomplished, I am done. Perhaps consulting, certainly training, but no schedules, no time clock, no expectations. Normal people would like that. Me, being the twisted woman that I am, finds this utterly terrifying. No exaggeration....terror describes the feeling. I feel that I am following my destiny, that is not in question. Even though I am now and always have been aware that I really don't pilot this vessel of my life, the illusion has always been that I do. To physically, literally walk away from the controls induces panic attacks in this old gal, and panic attacks are not my forte'.

If you pray, will you please throw one out there for me? Obviously to prevent any further issues health-wise, but also that I can let go gracefully, that I can focus what I have left in the right place, that I can take the best care of me so that there can be joy. Physically, I won't bore you all, but you must know that I wouldn't be changing every little thing in my life if the situation were not dire. No, nothing new. Just bigger, worser, more in my face, every damned day. Also, many things need to fall in place financially, for this all to work. The stress of that - the stress of worrying that things will not work out is difficult, and it will be some time before I can breathe in that area. Once again, something that is not in my control.

Happy New Year, my good friends. Thank you all for being there for me, thank you for caring.

Love and Hugs.

24 comments:

Cheryl said...

I'm sure you're doing the right thing. I'm sure you're scared sh$-@&?less. You're brave even though you have no choice. 2012 will be full of changes for you, but life has made you ready for the challenge. I love you, my friend.

Julianna said...

Here's the thing, you know what hasn't worked for you. Right? So doing something different can only result in two things.... things staying the same (ie: not working for you) or the possibility of things getting better.

Seize the change my friend!

I think we're all looking at changing things, not just in the way of wieght and finances... but on a nationwide concept (think occupy movement and tea party)

All and all, I think change is coming, because for the most part 2011 didn't work for many of us.

On the Road Again said...

I feel for you, I understand the feelings you describe. When I had to give up and admit that I was indeed disabled and unable to continue the job I had loved doing for 25 years, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. But I did and you can do it too. It is confusing, scary, disheartening, makes you feel worthless, hopeless. But you will do what you have to do to protect the life left in your poor overworked, over pained body. I wish you well and a Happy, Healthy New Year.

Ruth said...

Take care!

Josie Two Shoes said...

Although we knew the day would come when you would have to say "enough", I cry for you and for the unfairness of life. You are so much like me in that loss of control, the inability to keep our lives on a chosen path, is so threatening and fearful. But perhaps my dear friend, that is just the lesson God is wanting to teach us at last, "Let Go, let God". It isn't easy, but in the end it is the way of peace and hope. How can He show us what good He has in store, if we won't give him the opportunity?! It is long since time that your family grows into the responsibility of taking care of themselves and you, rather than vice versa, and I believe they will stand up to the challenge. It is also long since time that you listened to your body when it says "enough already, I am just trying to hang in here, stop driving me so hard"! Think of it this way... less struggle, less guilt over not getting done what you think you should be, less fear about driving risks, and walking dangers, and more time and energy to spend loving your husband, your children, and those beautiful little grandsons! I know in my heart that you will get thru this year of transition and you are going to be ok. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, surrounded and lifted up in prayer by every one of us who loves you! Truly, Happy New Year Dear Jamie, may it bring blessings you never dreamed possible! God has a plan for us, we know that's true!

Coffeypot said...

That is a big step, I know. I went through that when I decided to retire. There will be a term of adjustment, but I promise you, once the situation and the finances settle in, you will love it. All the time freedom and the loss of pressure to ‘do’ will make you happier. I don’t even use Tums or Rolaids AT ALL. I was going through a pack a day (thank you ‘politically correct’ and other bullshit managers have to face now days.) I am happy for you and hope the adjustment flies by faster than the year seems too.

Beau's Mom said...

When I left my job, the next day found me sitting at the table asking Joe "what now? How do I justify my existence every friggin' day?!"

Panic to the core. Now, looking back, I should have filed for SSI, but I figure if I was still able to get from room to room, I wouldn't get it.

Now I know that my doctor would have fought for me and it would have happened eventually. (I STILL haven't tried and my doctor retired)

It took me THREE YEARS to stop grieving over that damn job and my "loss".

IF ONLY we could take it as it comes and not waste what time we have bemoaning the "if only" and the "but...!!!" that plays havoc with our brains.

But that part IS in our control if we would just activate it. Practically impossible, but all the worrying and grieving don't do a magic act and change anything.

It's miserable, isn't it.

welcome to my world of poetry said...

Your mind know you are ready for the challenge, otherwise you would not be changing your life. Good luck for 2012

Yvonne.

Noofy said...

Change is scary, for all of us. I hurt for you, I know your fear. Mine was similar being laid off almost two years ago. Like you said, things have to come together for it all to work, and it will, have faith. There are other resources, although you don't think so right now. Do what you have to do for you, start there. Put yourself first. You'll see a change for the better. I'm here to help if I can and certainly listen always. Bring it on 2012!

Golden To Silver Val said...

Oh....I oh-so-know how you feel. Once again our lives seem to be running parallel. I will send you an email but remember there are a whole lot of us out here loving you and thinking of you. Yes, it's scary, but it will work out....honest. Have faith, dear friend. xo

Kristy said...

I was terrified when I filed for disablity. I didn't know how I was going to make it money wise, emotionally etc. Time worked it out and when I let go and stopped trying to control everything life worked out. Life has away of working out. I realize giving up my job was a good thing as I was in no condition to work . It wasn't fair to the people I worked for and most importantly(children) it wasnt fair to myself. It took some adjustment over the years and I actually enjoy being "retired"

Lena said...

Jamie, It sounds to me that you are listening to your inner voice and you are making the necessary changes in your life, even though it is very painful to let go.

As you take care of yourself, the ones who are dependent on you must learn to take care of themselves. It will be a growing experience for all and a postitive thing.

I know it must be so scary and painful for you right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you make this transition.

HUGS!

Mems said...

Sounds like big changes, but they will hopefully be for the best. Maybe if you're not working your body will be able to rest a little more and everything will fall into place.

Hope you & Uncle Mark had a happy new year!

Love you bunches!!! xo

R. Jacob said...

If you are not well how can you give to others. The old saw about good health being everything is so true.
You come first. All the best.

ray

Leann said...

I know that feeling out of control of one's life is very frightening. Take heart in that just as you know you are not in control of your life, someone who makes no mistakes is. Breathe, pray, take it one plodding step at a time. Try not to guess the future, visualize where you would like it to be. The universe lines up and gives you what will make you more happy than you ever thought you could be. Happy New year my dear and blessings to you always. *hugs*

Mary said...

Of course, you have my prayers. It is so hard to make these kind of changes in your life. I understand how it feels to want control of your life and have none. This is a new chapter in your life - a really hard chapter - but one that will bring you to a better next chapter.

Jamie, you are strong. You will get through this. You will find a way to make this work the best for everyone. Though, you MUST remember yourself and your needs.

Love to you, my friend.

Billy said...

Oh Jamie.....

How I have missed you and this blog. Glad to have you back! Happy New Year!

Janie Fox said...

Praying for you. Change is hard but God has a plan. His timing not ours. ((Hugs))

Noofy said...

Hope you're doing okay, it's been awhile since we've heard from you. I think of you often and keep you in my prayers. Be well my friend, not in pain. xoxo

Lena said...

Also thinking about you and praying things are falling into place more and more every day!

Maria said...

Jamie~
Happy, Happy New Year to you! I'm so sorry for all you are facing. Know that your choices are the right ones for you. It is no longer selfish to engage in ME time. Everyone in your life who loves you will want nothing but the best for you & if that means taking better care of yourself then so be it. I live with chronic pain so I know where you're coming from. I know how hard it is to feel as if you're letting everyone down, but you know what? Everyone will be just fine. Things have a way of working out. Be kind to yourself.
Take care of you for a change. Know that prayers are making their way to heaven for a healthy, peaceful, happy year for you.
Love,
Maria

M Pax said...

I hope things are falling into place for you. I understand the stress. Will keep you in my thoughts for better health and better days. Do take care of yourself.

Jo-Anne's Rambling said...

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Leslie @ Farm Fresh Fun said...

Praying that you are feeling less pain and enjoying your new life in this New Year. May God Bless you!
(((hugs)))
Leslie