Every now and then I fall apart

I have been a very busy girl. Doing what, you all wonder? I'm not really sure to be honest, but I wake up early in the morning and fall onto the couch in the evening, and I am tired. Not from working, at least not in the conventional sense. I still have no start date for my job and I am getting irritated...but all in good time, I know. It isn't up to me or I would have been there for a week already. I did visit the place this past Wednesday, I needed to pick up some literature for the brand of vehicles that we sell - I have no knowledge of one of them, have never been that kind of dealer. Because I intend to sell a few, I thought it a good idea to learn what I am talking about...and the brochures that I brought home helped, at least until the print in them got to small to read. I really like the look of the place and those that I have met seem personable enough. I can't help but be really nervous about the whole thing--not about the work, in that area I am sure of myself, but about the dynamic of the place and I have to tell you, it has been YEARS since I have worked in a place with that many young people, and I have never been employed where so much hair gel was used on the male persuasion. But they were all friendly enough and like everywhere else I ever land, I'm sure it won't take long until I am the "MOM" in this group, too.



Yesterday, I woke up in a foul mood, and declared I was not going to leave the place all day long, I have book work that needs finishing. The next thing I know...it's nearly seven in the evening, no one has had dinner, I have been running around all day with one or all of my kids, I have had company that I had not expected, my phone rang literally all day long...it was just one of those busy-busy days. It was way better than sitting here pissy all day, but I am left with unfinished work that has to get handled. Deadlines...what deadlines?



I have a new phone. It is going to be the death of me...It's a blackberry curve and I really like it. I will just never learn to work it. It rang all night long last night...every time I got an email. That is my fault, I told Janelle to hook me up all the way..but this morning, I have got to turn that feature OFF...I must get a hundred junk emails a day. This is going to be a learning experience, to put it mildly. I also have to learn a new number...as this phone is a part of the Bill family and comes from Florida, so I now even have a new area code. I know that telling this is dating myself, but back when I was a little girl in the 60's we had a party line. An old phone on the wall, with an operator on the other end when you picked it up...now just look at the phone world today. Poor old Ma Bell has most certainly rolled over in her grave several times by now... It does have several features that I will like, today I am going to buy a memory card so that I can get the full ipod effect..I have wanted one of those for quite some time now.



Poor kitty did go to the vet yesterday and he has an upper respiratory infection - in my world, that's a cold, right? He is on the pink bubble gum flavored gunk that I used to give my kids when they were little. He likes it even less than they did, way back then. It's funny how one little fourteen pound cat can fight like a world champion heavy weight when it comes to shoving a dropper down his throat. And we have a whole week of this ahead.



Today, lots of snow. GAH. We have had a taste of nice weather this week and I am so fed up with the whole winter thing. Also, youngest sister Shell is supposed to be here late in the day, so unless the weather is really bad, I will get to see my niece, Carli. I am excited about that.



Okay, so now on to the business at hand. Mark and I are separating. He is leaving tomorrow, with the dog. I am sad, there is no doubt about it. However, this is a necessary step. Hopefully, for the both of us, we will be able to work it out. If not, again for the both of us, life is too short to live unhappily. He seems to think that the outside problems have caused the issues between us. I can't say I completely agree, but they certainly have not helped. In this past year, we have made some decisions that have not turned out the way we had hoped, and I can't say if that's completely our faults, or just partly. I suppose at this time, the fault is not important, although when in the middle of this kind of mess, who's fault it is always comes up. In any event, we are not fighting, this is an agreeable situation, but it does not mean it doesn't hurt. I have not enjoyed telling those that I love about this, nor do I enjoy telling you all. In many ways, it feels like another failure but like I have been saying here on my blog for quite some time now, when is it okay to live for what you want, and not for what everyone else wants? I have decided the time is NOW. I am scared but also feel hopeful. For what, I can't say right now. I have not had the opportunity to live all alone for ... ever? I guess I have never had the luxury of doing things the way I want to do them, without having to consider the husband or the kids. I am not even sure I will like it, but one thing I am sure of: I need this. He needs this. We are not a done deal, not by any means. We still have all kinds of things that will keep us "together" in a different sense of the word. I love him very much, and he says he feels the same. But we quit being a couple quite some time ago, and now we are very good friends. I like having friends but I don't want to live with them. I dread the actual "doing" and tomorrow will not be easy. Enough said.



Happy Friday, to those of you that actually get to work and work the normal work hours. I cannot wait for that again. PLUS --- it's the 13th. Good heavens.

Wonderful Wednesday

Today is the day....today is the day that I have been dreading since I started this new job, and trust me, I have good reason. It will be a complete and total zoo, and I this zookeeper is already on her last leg. However, this being a sales driven business, money will be available to be made...and considering that I signed my LIFE away on that apartment yesterday, I had better make some serious money. Holy crap, apartments are a big business these days, aren't they? But oh, I am SO excited to get moved. Funny, I liked the apartment better yesterday than I had initially, perhaps due to having looked at many that were way under my standards? Things are really looking good - exciting even, except for the fact that I cannot physically do this job of mine. I am already ready to drop----literally, and this is only Wednesday. It was well after eight last night before I got out of there, and I have to be back in before eight this morning....and tonight? Hell, with what's coming today, I will be lucky to be out of there by midnight. Seriously. And then, there are no more rooms at the inn...so it will be all the way back home for me tonight. (Thanks pork producers!)

Thank you all for your good wishes for my family yesterday. Both surgeries went well, my poor sis is home, left to recuperate and commiserate alone for the next ten days or so. She has requested nice comments and good wishes here on my page - you guys will help her out, won't you? She is so funny -I do believe she is looking for a little sympathy, her husband is a great guy, but sympathy and patience for those that are sick or ailing is a little too much for him. Richard - my step dad, is also doing well, although his recovery time will be quite a long time, up to ten days in the hospital, then four long weeks at home gaining his strength back. However, I feel much better today about all of it, his dr seems to think that he will be fine, and while they are waiting for the pathology reports of course, he seems to think there will be no reason for chemo or radiation. That was wonderful news.

You all do your best to have a wonderful Wednesday, okay? I will do the same....Happy Humpday!

The ENERGIZER Sister

I think I might have done it, I think I have a job. Lord, I hate to use the word think, but for now that's all I can do. I also thought last week that I had a job, and I found out that I did not. However, this time I honestly believe it---let's wait until I know for sure before we mention it again, okay? I do have another interview today, with the same company but with a different person, mostly to affirm the one that I had yesterday. I won't know anything for sure until the first part of next week, and until then, I'm not saying any more so I don't jinx it. I realize these things take time, but the waiting is really difficult. Sigh...

My home is not mine anymore. I like the feeling - it is clear, not necessarily clean, but clear of things...the breezeway however, is another story. It has box after box of STUFF, priced and stacked on top of each other, ready for the sale. Seriously, for every box of junk that is out there, there have been two that have been thrown away. I am down to a closet and a half of my clothes, and some of them, if the truth were to be told, probably should be in those boxes as well. But for whatever reason, I find it impossible to let go of them, just yet. I have kept the most important things, and even those things are more than I wanted to keep, but I cannot be heartless. I keep worrying that someday I will probably lose my memory, hell-I'm not far from it now, and those things will be a reminder. But still, I feel like I have been very successful in my cleaning. It is amazing how much stuff had accumulated here.

Of course, the weather prediction for tomorrow is lousy. Storms, lots of rain and wind, just what is needed for a successful moving sale. However, in the ad that I put in the local paper, I wrote "rain or shine", so the show will go on. Saturday looks pretty good weather-wise.

My poor sister has worked her tail off, I'm certain that she is ready to get out of here, this has been a lot of work. She is such a trooper, though. After reading all of your comments, I am thinking about renting her out...she's easy to keep and only has a few funny idiosyncrasies...You pretty much just have to keep her in coffee, and half and half, she'll go forever. Honestly, she is the best.

Everyone have a great Thursday. I am planning to. :)

Me, Me, ME.

And to think that I believed this whole out of work thing would be temporary. Fool. My ego is in literal pain, and I have no earthly idea why, WHY, I do not have a job yet. I am doing everything possible to find just the right one. It has now been five weeks, don't you all think that's long enough? I am beginning to question myself, my abilities, everything about me. Am I too brash, am I too tough, not tough enough, too smart, too stupid, too...shit, everything?

I did not get the job running the truck shop that I really, really wanted. It was by far the one I was THE most qualified for, the one that made me feel the most comfortable, and the money was decent. Or at least I was told it was. However, I do believe that money played a part in their decision, and I am wondering, am I expecting too much? I had agreed to their salary cap, their top amount, and that was still nearly twenty-thousand less than I had been making. I am aware that they do NOT care what I would have made this year had I stayed in my former position, but should it NOT play a part in what I do? At this point, I would pretty much take about anything, but the lower positions that I have applied for, I do NOT hear anything from. It makes me wonder if I should "dumb down" my resume for lower type jobs...not lower in the class sense, but lower in the area of responsibility and money...just so you know. In any event, SHIT.

I am beginning to question every damned thing about ME, and that's always been something I am sure of...ME. I know what I can do, I know what I can give, I know what I need and want. Why does no one want me? And this is pretty much rhetorical, because if any of you know why no one wants me, I don't think my bruised ego can take it right now, or at least be gentle. :)

But in other news:

So much happening, so little time.

Help.

:)